I missed the point - Money

I believed that such games are coincidence. I believed that if I participate on such game like roulette/lottery/poker/black jack, it is just coincidence based on physicality / physical setup of roulette for example.  Or if I put some number in lottery, that numbers which will come are simply coincidence. It is not so. It is not. I believed that if I bet some number on roulette, that it is coincidence which number will come. But it is not. I do not feel any energy, when I participated on such games, but it was not such long time ago. Years ago, it was my addiction and most problems in my life I created because of this. I was completely blinded and not able to see what I am doing because I needed to feel that energy inside me, I was completely possessed, to such extent that I simply had to participate on such games, and I do not understood why. Why is a good question? Paradox is, that I was not addicted because of money, I really didn’t care the money, I was possessed because my ego, because my knowledge, because the competition, because the feeling that I know, because, simply I knew which number will fall. Not often, but obviously, I missed the point why I know which number will fall, and why not. Years by years I was not able to resolve this question, I was not able to find out, how come that I know which number will fall, and why I experience the fear of myself to place bet on that what I know, instead of playing against me. I was playing against me, that’s interesting. But, this type of games, are not coincidence, it can looks that way, but when I started to understand, that I am not separated from anything of the existence, this change a lot. When I started to understand that feelings and emotions are fake illusions, that thoughts are the same way diversion on me allowed by me, this change a lot. I wanted to develop strategies how to consistently make profit, how to add one profit to another, and how to be independent of the system,  system of money, which I do not liked in my life. Honestly, I never liked money.  And probably, I hated the money. And maybe, I hated the money till now. I saw and I understand that most problems in this world are because of money, I saw it on my family, on behavior of my father and my mother , my brothers and sister, so much problems of money, that I never wanted the money. Not money are problem, how we live with money is fucking the biggest problem ever.

In my life, we were very poor family, lot of children and very low income, when I attended school, I was not able to even attend most of school trips and so, I had friends and I lost all, because I changed schools year by year. Because I had no money to attend and when I wanted to dance, I had no money to pay for dancing school, simply, in my life I could do only things which didn’t require any money. All sports I was doing as small child, I couldn’t continue because I had no money to pay for lessons, and most I loved was canoe trainings, I loved to be with canoe on the river and feel that nature is wild, I loved water and I loved to play with water and to be with water , once on one river I almost died and my fear has been injected.

When my father died, it was logical that my mother couldn’t pay anything for me, and I was glad that I even had school  needs and that I have pen or pencil. I never had any new things like t-shirt or trousers or new shoes,  everything what I wear that time was old stuff which my brothers did not wear anymore. But I was okey with that, I understood why this have to be and I enjoyed my life, I was able to play on my own for a hours and even forgot that time exists. I never had any real friend, which I could tell everything, i never had any person in my life which I could tell everything I would like. I looked on people and as small child I didn’t want to have the life I saw they live.

I was not able to explain for me why, but I was sure that life I see people are living is something I do not want to live. What I saw was only the same problems repeating and repeating and I wanted to die. As a small child I wanted to die because what I saw here was simply only problems repeating again and again. I wanted to see and live something different, and I do not want to grow old. I didn’t saw any solution, and I couldn’t stop the time and I had to grow and I had to enter the world of adults and I fall almost to the same type of living as others. Except one, I was deliberately throwing away all money I received, and I completely missed the points I could do with the money.

Money are not problem, problem is how we live with the money, how we speak about it, how we fear, how we participate, how we share how we desire it and how we give or receive.  Money is genuine simple tool to change stuff between participants, but we completely fucked up our reality because we completely missed the point of money. It should be equal for all, from life to death, and we can have different world, where most of problems we will be able to solve with ease and those harder ones, we can work together and never allow such fuckedness as we live in today.