Inevitably, I faced many times a question within myself, as what or who I can trust? Or even what trust is, is trust real? Can trust even exists?
So, as I was a bit struggling within me as this point, thus I came back within me, and revisited the points of realizations within me, and looked as how I acted, what I spoke and what I did after specific points I realized.
For example, 8 years ago realization of love as oneness and equality of myself, through and by this realization, I was able to see as who I am as expression of love, and I placed this realization as my guide, map or compass, and see and understand that love is never a feeling, but I am the love. Within the realization of me as love, the experience of hug and kiss of each living being emerged within me and I trusted me as this realization and I will trust me as love forever. This realization, guided me many times when I faced a point of the love as construct of the mind, and I was able always cross reference love as me and love as mind experience, and see through my fears, hopes, wants, and needs as desire for love as a feeling. And I admit, even with this great cross reference point I placed within me, I had sometimes struggle to let go of all points related within me to and as love construct, because hundreds of dimensions emerged within me related to this point and my need of self-honesty was challenged in this point a lot, but I never lost myself in love construct again. And I never will.
To let go and transcend, some specific points within me as love construct, was really painful, on mind level and “real” pain in me as a being. Letting go of a false love, constructed through ideas and believes, fears and separation from myself, starting on mind level and going into me as a being, required really a lot moments to see and realize before, and one of the ultimate was, as how I created this love as mind from beginning as an illusion in my mind, and sometimes even I wanted this illusion to became real, but always my compass, my guide, my map as realization as what real love is, together with self-forgiveness, I always found my ground and was able to see through, which is in fact totally great and I am so grateful for this, as I seen that my actions, and words was supported a lot thanks to me as realization of love and thus I stand me as this realization, no matter what and forever. And I can place a question, will I kiss or hug this person standing in front of me as me as expression of love? I definitely do not have to hug or kiss all beings in existence to prove this for myself, this is more a guide and always will be.
When I realized around 10 years ago, what relationships in between men and women really are, how they are created within mind, what mind play is involved, and how many points of deception within self are involved, thus this became one of my first compasses and guides for my life, to never seek relationship with woman based on such points again, which was quite a challenge as well, but from that moment I always seen and understood, that I can never accept to form a relationship with a girl such way, because it would always be fake, deception, and lies of the mind. And from that moment I decided that I would go into relationship with a woman, which would be able to walk her process as well, and never accept anything less. In that moment, I decided that and was prepared, that I will be all my life alone, or I will met with a woman which would understand the message of equality and oneness of desteni, and decide for herself to walk out of a mind, and thus we would walk our lives together. One way, or another, I am ok with both options for myself, even I realize, that many points are easier to walk when two are together, as both can play very vital part within process of both, and help and support each other more effectively when it come to walk through the mind. But still, I can do it alone, so if this option will play out in my life, I will walk alone this earth.
Few months after realization of me as love, realization of me as awareness, and how I experienced myself as all existence, and what this realization showed me, about me, what judgments really are, and how everything exists as polarities, for the sake of creation of fear, became my strongest point and most vital part in growing basket of compasses and guides and maps within me. And if I would have to pick one reason, as why I continue as self-forgiveness till this date, after decade ago, this one was the utmost revealing realization of me, but other played very vital part as well, thus all are the same guides for me.
Even as how I came to this realization, was quite fascinating, because my separation was defined by one simple thought within me, which was “ I am not you “ , and this thought occurred within my mind when my brother was speaking to me when I was just a boy, and he was comparing me with one specific being, which I didn’t liked and this thought happened within me that time, and it was done, I was separated in the mind living my dream. But this realization will be my guide forever.
When I started stopping the mind, and seeing the thoughts of myself, and starting over some period track the thoughts to their origin, and start to see mechanics in between thoughts and emotions, what I always found was, that origin of each thought within me was fear. This was quite interesting, and I was not sure what this will bring to my life, but I understood that I can trust myself and simply continue with what I was doing in context of self-forgiveness, as I simply had to see and understand for myself, I could never accept knowledge or anything, as I seen that whatever is presented to me, I would never trust if I do not see for myself, walk for myself, understand for myself, and thus live for myself.
Sure, I was not able to see everything as what is ahead of me that time, but anyway I am grateful that I never stopped, because, this seeing and understating as how fear is created within me, and which thought and feeling or emotions emerged from it, was another guide in the basket, and thus I could never let any thought within me unnoticed, or emotion, and I always had to start to see deeper because I always seen, that it is never just a thought, but much more to this is always.
From points above, emerged realization of sexual energy, and seeing and understanding, that all sexual energy I experienced within me, is in fact always fear. Sexual energy, simply equals fear. And this fear has many facets, many forms, and comes with many dimensions, and here I can say, this was the most hard, challenging and lengthy point within me to walk.
From begging, when I started to investigate my fears as sexual energy, my insecurities about myself, doubts, judgments, polarities, and possible actions, I was not able to see as how many I accepted within me to be part of me as me, but this realization, that all sexual energy is fear, I added to my basket of guides, and thus more I walked my life, more compasses I created for myself, to never again fall in the trap of the mind. And extensively great amount of my power has been given by me to my mind, to play with me and use me.
Walking sexual points within me, took me more like 8 years, one by one, day by day, year by year, and you would never believe as what I did for myself to be able to push myself through this, and I pushed myself, me as the mind, me as a being, and me as a body, to real limits of me, where I was aware that I can possibly lead myself into a collapse of me and make some epic mistake for myself, but I had always one point in consideration for this, that I will do anything and everything possible for myself, to walk through the fears of me, but whatever I will do I will never harm myself. Physical well being of me was always the priority for me, and I can say, this was a great compass for me, because I never seriously harmed myself or damaged anything of my body, yet I had some tiny little issues after some specific points, or some mistakes, because body can handle only what body can handle, and I can say, I am grateful for my body, because what I body did for myself, and stood with me, and to show me what I accepted as fear to live in and as, was sometimes really crazy, but I had to do it. And if I would have to go back, I would do it the very same way, with some little improvements, but basically it was a cool way to work with the points within me, with my fear, and explore anything and everything possible within me.
Within the walking sexual energy within me, I was after years always like, so this is it, this was the last point, and the another point emerged, and I understood that maybe I will never resolve this, or it will take how much it will take, and sometimes I was even pissed of or surprised as how this is possible so many points connected to this. But I continued, until one very specific moment, when I realized, what really happened within me and why and what I accepted and how it is even possible that such moment existed within me, when I was a young boy, as experience of fear within me, when I looked on a girl, I had this paralyzing and trembling experience of myself, when I saw her, and all my life, I thought that it was fear, or love, or likeness of her, or whatever, but in the moment of realization, as what this really meant, and what really happened, finally I seen for myself. That all sexual energy, I experienced, lived, wanted, needed, or desired, was in fact, fear of myself. All sexual energies, thus fears, which I had through my entire life, was in fact, fear of myself, as projection, as what I will possibly do, or not, and this was linked to polarity of more and less, and I let my mind to abuse me each way possible and keep me trapped in this fear of myself, because I was no able to se that time, how I created it. And even, as a young boy, I had no chance to see this, nor understand, or realize. This was the blueprint and creation and specifically tailored experience of my mind for myself, to eat it, and start to live it.
And here, I was able to see, how was possible that I believed that experience, why I believed it, Why I followed it all my life, and what that experience meant. All my fears, all my life, all my actions, all my words, was linked to this one very specific experience of fear, I could say, more like initial or starting point of me accepting fear, and this was decided, and tailored for myself much sooner, and according my realizations, I would say from begging of the existence.
What was the most interesting point, within such realization was, that in fact, it was something completely else, so well hidden, and presented by my mind such genius way, that from that moment it was almost certain that I will never find out or realize, and thus I have to say, that mind and creation of the mind, and how mind can use self-deception to trap one within, is pure genius. 8 years or more took me, to came to this point, even some specific points I realized earlier in my life, but in context of me actively working and participating on this, it was such time.
Fear of myself, is starting point for all fears within self, because self is not able to see, comprehend and understood, that self in fact exists as one. But separation, brings this illusion, that it is something else.
And if you will reach this point within you, you will see, what it really means, when Anu said, where and how he placed himself as a part of a body.
So, if you are experiencing sexual energy within you, you can always be sure, that you are deceiving yourself, and that in fact you are experiencing the fear in its purest form. If you are horny, be sure, that it is fear you do not see how you are creating it within you, and accepting within you. If you are horny, or sexually driven by energy within you, be sure you are just a slave of the mind, which uses you, like a tool, like a puppet, and you will give into and you will give the mind all the fears you can, and mind will hold you in this trap of you, because even you want and desire it. But, at the end, it is always fear, and this fear starts within you, where you are fearing yourself.
Fear of self, is starting point for all possible fears you can experience within you, all judgments, all polarities, it all starts within you, as you, as who you are, and what you really fear of yourself.
This points I walked for myself, and what I realized, was one of the hardest, really hardest, and most sophisticated creation within my mind as the mind, because I would never thought or guess the real reason, as how and why I accepted fear within me, and what part polarity of more and less plays as projection to the future of my future actions, of myself towards a girl really is. I am so grateful that I pushed myself to walk all of this, and I am so grateful for my body, and I am so grateful for myself, that despite all the odds, I am forever grateful for this opportunity which I gave myself, to see and realize how I created all of this, and thus give myself opportunity to live me as a being, no longer trapped in self-deception of fear.
And thus, I have a basket, where is a map, on that map, are placed realizations of me which I accepted as me, and this map and realizations guided me as a compass in my life, almost for a decade. And, I will forever.
So I trust myself, and became the trust of self, that I will never fall into a mind games again, or that even if by any chance I would, thanks to this, I trust myself that with my map, I will always find the way out, no matter what.
So I dare you, do anything and everything possible to see through the fear of yourself, push yourself as much as you can, and when you reach the point of self-realization as how and why you existed the way you did, you will, smile. 😊
You will smile because you will see, that all of it, was never real. You will smile and honor yourself, because you will see how all another parts which mind consist of and exists as and which you accepted to be and live and become, and which mind uses against you, as guilt, remorse, regret, sadness, anger, you name it, was your allowance, your acceptance, from begging of you and that nothing of that, was ever real, just a mirage of you. And here you give yourself opportunity, to became real you. As who you really are, as presence, as awareness, as love, as direction, as playfulness, as self-acceptance, as everything you can give to yourself, no more trapped in your self-delusion.
Alone or together, I am trust of me, forever.