Part of the journey, is The End.

     When I took first step in this journey more than decade ago, I had no idea into which I decided to go into. And here I am speechless, and within this I was able to see how silence is the sound and what this means.

     Me as the realization, that I am all of the existence, penetrating all which exists, as the creator, became the foundation of me walking the days, the moments. Here two points emerged, and it looked simple, stop all judgement as all is me, and unite all polarities as all exists as those.

     Within this, my curiosity became shattered, as I seen that everything and anything I would encounter, would be me.

     I stand and I see while speaking to "others" that all physical is me, hugging myself as expression of love.

     As the breath of me, I see that real love is expression of oneness and equality, and anything else is deception, lies, you name it as you live it, therefore love do not exists as oneness and equality do not exists within humans at all. And I seen millions stand for noble reasons and claim and describe love but unfortunately, all of them live in deception of themselves the very same way as I used to. It is a pity ? Shame ? No. It is what it is, as each being, deal within themselves with polarities and judgement as own creation.

     I could create this illusion of me separating myself from everyone and everything, and live happy life, which would be not real, but for mind, this doesn't matter. Mind by itself do not differentiate between dream, illusion, or reality, as for the mind, comprehension of what is real do not exists and can't exist and never will as mind by itself is not real. And something as the mind, which is not real and never will, therefore will never exists understanding of reality, because this would be always in separation.

    And this is not even a purpose of the mind, to see what is real, or understand, or love, as mind can't do this, because mind is polarity creation with judgement to create this lovely energy, in separation from anything and everything.

     Going way back, too far to very begging, this idea, that I can't be alone, and someone or something else must exists, was a fall of me and for everyone else, as through this I created infinite separation and emergence of infinite beings as awareness of me, all forgotten and lost that all is me, unfortunately manifested to very situation we are all in here.

     Many could see this as a problem, and want to fix this, but here is nothing to be fixed. I created illusion of infinite separation from myself, and here all live it. And this can't be fixed as all believe in it, all became it. I could spend life times with each being, walking together, to explaining, to share, always with the same outcome, as mind has always the same outcomes, no matter what I would do, as I tested this through thousands of iterations, and I will not go into more as I proven this to myself already.

     Within the prove, by paradox nothing can be proven for anyone, yet mind so desperately requires prove, but can not prove itself into existence  as mind always dies.

     We could all live in harmony on this planet, as expression of love and oneness of ourselves, but this will never happen here. Yes, many tried this, many are trying, many will try, and all of that actions, all of those words, all of everything will be always futile. Until the moment mind exists as a system powered, until that moment love is not possible.

     Here maybe few sees, that slave is the master. How is this possible is quite interesting, as many could say that master is simply over the slave, but this is in fact other way round.

     Few beings wanted to be masters of all, not seeing that they deceived themselves into submission of this creation, as me, and that what they enslaved was in fact always their master. Through simple act, of will, to place oneself as less then, masters could emerge and through the same act as placing oneself as equals masters diminishes. It was never real yet dozens of beings came through this and will.

     Within me seeing all is me, I was really surprised to be attacked by those who claims their stand, for asking a simple yes or no question, or being bullied for simple statement, or being deceived by those who claims to be real. And I had to start question myself from point of view I never did before, and re-explore polarities creation within myself.

     The act of will, and decision, can not be forced to anyone. No matter, how hard you would be, which roads you would make, which lifetimes you would chose to place anyone through, it would
never matter, and it would have no effect, simply, if any being chose anything, it can not be changed by any force no matter how strong such force would be, as being as awareness is by itself the strongest force which could possibly exists, as each being is creator, therefore GOD, and you can not force GOD.

     I had this desire, when I lived as a woman in previous lives, to know and explore how it is to be a man, interestingly each life time me being a man ended the same way, as a woman I was always the same, and as a man I was the same, as a being experiencing animal form I always encountered the point I shattered. Interestingly, each man comes from a woman, therefore man a woman polarity is so funny deception all live by, as each woman is a man at the same moment each man is a woman, because of polarities all live by, yet beings love to determine themselves in this polarities. O yeh, I am The MAN. Here I am, the WOMAN power. Really ? How so ? And who would you be when you lose your dick and your vagina ? You know, death is waiting. Death has infinite time and will always come, and the standing as the death is quite a task, to strip each being of everything.

     Would you stand as a death ? To invite each being into your hug, and within this hug take away from them literally everything ? Would you call this absolute cruelty or a gift ? Yet, even death is powerless over the being in point of your will and your awareness can not be taken away. Therefore you could choose separation from yourself for eternity, and no power would be able to change your decision. Therefore, violence, war, destruction, will never bring anything and never change anything and never make anything better.

     Each being here, exists as separation from themselves, and separation means lack of something, and lack of something means you are in negative state of being, which could bring you positive, and thus close the loop of polarity of your mind and state, therefore positive will never be answer as positive is deception. And as each being exists in negative and became it, thus on this planet things will never go to better, but by paradox worse.

     Until each being reaches by own decision into deepest depths of themselves and see their negative and resolve this negative point, until then, love is not possible nor real. Bring here real love, is a task worth stand for, who will chose this, must be also prepared that it will never play out.

     I choose the road out of curiosity and while walking this road curiosity within me died. I choose this road to explore everything yet I lost everything. I choose this road to understand and see the words yet I became speechless. I lost everything, for nothing. And nothing, is the highest reward I could possibly gave to myself, as only nothing is real, every be, ever was. Nothing is silence and silence is sound.

Everything else, is only your illusion.

If you dare to question yourself, and walk into nothingness, I invite you.

     My journey ends, maybe yours begins as me, and I will stand with me as love of myself as equality and oneness of me, no matter which roads you chose. Even death.

I will always love me.

Juraj

Day x174x – Impossible love.

         I loved to dance but I do not dance anymore, I loved to make paintings, but I do not paint anymore. I loved to meat people, I do not meet anyone. I loved to speak, most days I am silent as there is no one around anymore to speak with. I loved to love, I do not love anymore. I loved to touch a girl, look into her eyes, yet I do not anymore as year by year I am single. I loved to write, I do not write anymore, except this article. I loved to think, imagine, hope, to the future, I do not anymore as I do not see future anymore. I loved to walk memories of me but what remained? Nothing more to check within and as past. I loved myself, I do not anymore. I’ve been sad, and sadness defined me, but not anymore.

         I’ve been in regret and sorrow, in shame, in judgment, I am not anymore. I loved to explain, check, investigate, I do not anymore. I loved my family, friends, I do not have anymore any of that. I loved my car, I do not have any. I loved the sun, yet it is winter. I loved the breeze, yet I do not experience this.

         I loved to see myself, in future, as who I will be, yet everything is different, what I would never imagined. I loved to overcome obstacles, yet nothing to overcome, as nothing will come.

         What happened, Juraj, to love you have been? Where that love went? And I am not saying about love in context of positive feeling, nor feeling of love at all, as love, is not a feeling, my words before, explains what and how I see and understand love, yet love I do not use towards anyone in any context as a word. Juraj, where is love as you?

         I asked myself, thousands of times, who I am, how come I am. Am I? Yet many may think that I stopped to walk m process, as my activity everywhere I stopped, yet I never stopped to investigate myself, and walk me, and challenges and difficulties. I never stopped to breathe, as my breath was only thing, with self-forgiveness, thanks to which I am here.

         Thousands of times, walked the same points, thousands of times, stood the odds, thousands of times, stood up. Thousands of times, fallen. Those who watched me, through all my days, through the years, should I thank you or should I ask you to leave? Yes, I see, can not ask to leave any part of me, you was always with me. But we can laugh about it, how many times, you looked at me, and wondered, how come I did it again, despite all that knowledge, all that realizations, despite all points walked, despite all of everything, despite all, again. To stop judgment, but hey, what this word even means, it make no sense.

         So many polarities witnessed and understood, so many stopped, and yet I have to ask myself, how I can create life?

         Yes life, because in creation of death, I lost myself, I have no idea how to create life, what life means, of what life is, yet I am life. I have no idea, what I am as life. This seeing, where creation of death led me, not seeing how to create life, how? Thousands to questions answered, can be great support to anyone, yet not doing so, because of this one fall?

         I watched your lives, yet mine and yours, are so different, that none of you, can see it, except those who walked with me. So different yet the same, this paradoxes I see, I have no words to describe this. I have no words to describe me, as who I am, as words. I tried, I had to use many and still it was not valid, not valid description of me.

         And standing water, as me, crashed the rock of me, water more solid then rock, yet still, who can understand this words, except those who walked those roads of clashing powers?

         So much I could say, but not anymore, as who understand? I tried, not anymore, I loved to speak, yet where’s that love?

         Faded, still not gave up on me, as I asked, why? Why you simply don’t?

         Shining, through lies, standing in storms of hate, transforming yet not knowing next day will come. Still here, always, not knowing next day will be, but still is. This day, is still, stand still.

         And those words, using, as me, and I said thus will be and is and was, yet many of them, not of me, not from me, not me, some of those words, are not mine, how is it possible ?

         Created impossible, and had to face the revenge of me, through impossibility of creation, yet still done. But only for that reason to face those points ? Seems to be silly, so much effort, so much patience, so much details, and this precision of this creation, where I amazed stood and watched this to face only this point and again everything lost as had to move on. How I can explain this, if only you, who walk with me, saw it. Even, can I, to anyone? How much books I would have to write, to explain all those details, linked together, in creation of such moments.

         And this seeing, in and as moments, as how much points had to come together, within and as impossible precision, still manged to happen, for this one point. Is it worthy? Or even, should be? What even this word means, as I asked.

         And I wanted, someone would understand, and see, what it was, and yet it again only you, no one else can, as you was the creator and you witnessed it all, only you.

         Will you ever give up?

         The words, do not exists, yet you create them, you bring into existence that what do not exists, how is that possible, how you can, to resonate through space, where distance is not valid, how you can, negate distance?

  

         How you can, make distance obsolete, how you can, make impossible possible?

         How you can be me?

Thanks, Juraj

Day 169: I will all-ways Love you

                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 163 : Revenge – I’ll show who you are

                As a child I have been thought about Jesus and god and all that stuff, as I grew in “average Christian family” where my father was the one who had the main word in means, how our family functions, what is followed and why.

                For me as a child, the Jesus was a son of a god, and I had no idea who this god is, or what god should be, but I could see in church the Jesus as a baby under Christmas tree, and I had the knowledge about Jesus and his life and what he thought other people. For me, Jesus was the one who was showing people how they should live, according the words of love, love of the other people even the enemy, and what love means, and that we all are equal as god as him, therefore we should love each other equally, and do not live for material things, as do not live for golden statuses, and everything that bullshit stuff which is daily promoted.

                My basic seeing of the Jesus was through love and his words of love, as equality. As I was attending the church those days, the procedures of eating the Jesus at the end of each ceremony took place, and I liked it from perspective as symbol of eating Jesus flesh transformed symbolically into this little waffle which is used in church. I understood the Jesus as being the flesh, being in everything the flesh or matter is thus me being part of this all through this ceremony.

                Once as a child, when I received this small waffle from the priest, I took that out of my mouth and put this waffle into my “praying book”, which I had as a child where was all the songs and stuff around religion, thus I placed that waffle right into the middle of the book, for me as a child seeing this as act of having the Jesus nearby me, as I was having this book in my pocket of my winter jacket, and thus I was as a child satisfied that I have a Jesus always with me and that I do not eat that waffle rather keep it sustained with me. My perception of this, was simple and innocent, according the way how I understood and saw the Jesus as persona what he lived.

                I didn’t see anything wrong in such act, just having the Jesus, this little child as me with me. Days start to pass and I continued to live my life according everything which has been normal that time for our family, till the moment of:

                My mother is calling me into a hall, the entrance room of our flat, where our jackets has been placed, and she is holding my praying book in the hands, opened in the middle and that small waffle is there, and she call my father. She is showing him this, and I just stand and look on the situation, still in my naïve innocence that I did nothing wrong. My father enters and he taking the book, and he is asking me, what it is and from where I have this. I am saying that in the church I took out this waffle and put it in this book, thus it is Eucharist, as called in Christian religion. I am still looking onto him, as I am quite small against him, my mother still stand nearby, suddenly, the eyes of my father changed. He is taking the tool which he used to use as “educational stuff” just for the purpose to beat me, I am like frozen within me, as I am not quite sure why he is doing this, and he is asking me, if I kneel down each time I came to my jacket, as a symbol of honor of Jesus or god, and I am saying no, as I saw this as very unpractical during various situations. As I said that, the eyes of my father became so strange, the anger and hatred towards me I saw in him, and he started to beat me frenetically with that tool, through all over my body, through my ass, legs, through hands, body and I just experience this big pain all over my body seeing him screaming madly that no one will make fun from the god. I am shocked, surprised, I tremble and I feel this pain, I see my father in desperate anger towards me, when he stopped, I cry, I cry as my body is in heat of pain, I am touching my body wanting to make this pain less, and I hear him that I will go to confess from this sin because I dishonored god.

                And my trust and believe in Jesus and his teaching has been broken and shaken completely, how my father can speak about god and love and Jesus, if he dare so brutally beat me just because of me wanting to have this Jesus nearby me? My father know nothing about love and Jesus and god, he do not know a shit about life, he is defending his illusion and his projections of god I dared to violate by my act. I look on my mother and I see her as a traitor. I saw her as a mother; loving being of me, but everything changed as I asked why she called my father and showed him that, I see her that she betrayed me by calling my father.

                How can my father or mother love me, if they allow this? How can they do this and on other hand promote something else? My father is no more my father and my mother is no more my mother, as they do not love me and they do not see me as a child, they do not see me, they see only their illusions and their believes, they do not know and see who I am here, they have no idea why I did what I did and they both beat me in fury and desperate anger, no matter that mother was just looking on this, she was the same way in this like my father, she do not stopped him.

                I realized that what my father live is fake and also my mother, and they broke in me my innocence by beating me, they broke my seeing of Jesus and his teaching as I see they do not live his words, they are not able to recognize what love really is, they have no idea what is equality, they do not stand for that, they speak something but do something else, I never forgave this. I never forgave to my father this and to my mother, they was blind in their actions and I separated from them even more.

                The way of my revenge started the revenge to show them who they really are, and that they do not live what they say. Despite the fact that as a child I understood equality quite well, this has been diminished completely as because of Jesus I was beaten by my the most closest personas, which was my father and my mother. I started to live the road of revenge, ingrained in me, within me, and doing the opposite of suggestions of my mother, rebelling against everything which my mother represented and father as well. I knew my time will come when I would be able to revenge to them and they will see how mistaken they was. And this was no more only about them, but about everybody who claimed something, but lived something else, my revenge became against all and everybody who speak something but do something else. The revenge I became was me, I revenging to all directly to their face, showing them how deceptive they are, how much they lie, my life became revenge in various forms, in various ways, and as time has been passing I became always satisfied with the outcome of time by itself, when I saw what life brought to the life of those I was revenging against.

                My father has been dying in the agony of pain of cancer, and yet I wished him to die as I saw that as a only point how he can go out from that misery as I never believed he will be cure but I do not cared about him. Really, I saw satisfaction in his position and where was his god? Where was god to help him, to give him love and cure him? Nowhere, his god let him dying in brutal pains for a long time, until his body became so exhausted of this cancer that could not sustain itself anymore. And I do not give a fuck, why I even should I? Why I should give a fuck about him after everything he did to me? I never took hand on him, I never screamed at him, I never said how he should live or what she should do, I never beat him, and he? How many times? And these beings have no authority to claim to be my father and I do not see myself as his son anymore, or son of my mother. I asked many times, who is my father and who is my mother then? Who it is if these beings treat me such way? They are not. And the way of me being alone here, living alone with my revenge towards all, busy as I do not wanted to follow what they live anymore, and the revenge became ingrained within me as me, I am this revenge I am living it, I am becoming this as the years are passing I see more and more lies, more and more deception, I see only people which are fake from top to the bottom, no one is living and no one is my friend, no one is my companion as I am alone with me with revenge I have to accomplish, I need and I have to, as this is my purpose and the very reason I live.

                The point of revenge became transformed into everything I did, spoke, and I was not able to see me in this, as I became it.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj