Day 163 : Revenge – I’ll show who you are

                As a child I have been thought about Jesus and god and all that stuff, as I grew in “average Christian family” where my father was the one who had the main word in means, how our family functions, what is followed and why.

                For me as a child, the Jesus was a son of a god, and I had no idea who this god is, or what god should be, but I could see in church the Jesus as a baby under Christmas tree, and I had the knowledge about Jesus and his life and what he thought other people. For me, Jesus was the one who was showing people how they should live, according the words of love, love of the other people even the enemy, and what love means, and that we all are equal as god as him, therefore we should love each other equally, and do not live for material things, as do not live for golden statuses, and everything that bullshit stuff which is daily promoted.

                My basic seeing of the Jesus was through love and his words of love, as equality. As I was attending the church those days, the procedures of eating the Jesus at the end of each ceremony took place, and I liked it from perspective as symbol of eating Jesus flesh transformed symbolically into this little waffle which is used in church. I understood the Jesus as being the flesh, being in everything the flesh or matter is thus me being part of this all through this ceremony.

                Once as a child, when I received this small waffle from the priest, I took that out of my mouth and put this waffle into my “praying book”, which I had as a child where was all the songs and stuff around religion, thus I placed that waffle right into the middle of the book, for me as a child seeing this as act of having the Jesus nearby me, as I was having this book in my pocket of my winter jacket, and thus I was as a child satisfied that I have a Jesus always with me and that I do not eat that waffle rather keep it sustained with me. My perception of this, was simple and innocent, according the way how I understood and saw the Jesus as persona what he lived.

                I didn’t see anything wrong in such act, just having the Jesus, this little child as me with me. Days start to pass and I continued to live my life according everything which has been normal that time for our family, till the moment of:

                My mother is calling me into a hall, the entrance room of our flat, where our jackets has been placed, and she is holding my praying book in the hands, opened in the middle and that small waffle is there, and she call my father. She is showing him this, and I just stand and look on the situation, still in my naïve innocence that I did nothing wrong. My father enters and he taking the book, and he is asking me, what it is and from where I have this. I am saying that in the church I took out this waffle and put it in this book, thus it is Eucharist, as called in Christian religion. I am still looking onto him, as I am quite small against him, my mother still stand nearby, suddenly, the eyes of my father changed. He is taking the tool which he used to use as “educational stuff” just for the purpose to beat me, I am like frozen within me, as I am not quite sure why he is doing this, and he is asking me, if I kneel down each time I came to my jacket, as a symbol of honor of Jesus or god, and I am saying no, as I saw this as very unpractical during various situations. As I said that, the eyes of my father became so strange, the anger and hatred towards me I saw in him, and he started to beat me frenetically with that tool, through all over my body, through my ass, legs, through hands, body and I just experience this big pain all over my body seeing him screaming madly that no one will make fun from the god. I am shocked, surprised, I tremble and I feel this pain, I see my father in desperate anger towards me, when he stopped, I cry, I cry as my body is in heat of pain, I am touching my body wanting to make this pain less, and I hear him that I will go to confess from this sin because I dishonored god.

                And my trust and believe in Jesus and his teaching has been broken and shaken completely, how my father can speak about god and love and Jesus, if he dare so brutally beat me just because of me wanting to have this Jesus nearby me? My father know nothing about love and Jesus and god, he do not know a shit about life, he is defending his illusion and his projections of god I dared to violate by my act. I look on my mother and I see her as a traitor. I saw her as a mother; loving being of me, but everything changed as I asked why she called my father and showed him that, I see her that she betrayed me by calling my father.

                How can my father or mother love me, if they allow this? How can they do this and on other hand promote something else? My father is no more my father and my mother is no more my mother, as they do not love me and they do not see me as a child, they do not see me, they see only their illusions and their believes, they do not know and see who I am here, they have no idea why I did what I did and they both beat me in fury and desperate anger, no matter that mother was just looking on this, she was the same way in this like my father, she do not stopped him.

                I realized that what my father live is fake and also my mother, and they broke in me my innocence by beating me, they broke my seeing of Jesus and his teaching as I see they do not live his words, they are not able to recognize what love really is, they have no idea what is equality, they do not stand for that, they speak something but do something else, I never forgave this. I never forgave to my father this and to my mother, they was blind in their actions and I separated from them even more.

                The way of my revenge started the revenge to show them who they really are, and that they do not live what they say. Despite the fact that as a child I understood equality quite well, this has been diminished completely as because of Jesus I was beaten by my the most closest personas, which was my father and my mother. I started to live the road of revenge, ingrained in me, within me, and doing the opposite of suggestions of my mother, rebelling against everything which my mother represented and father as well. I knew my time will come when I would be able to revenge to them and they will see how mistaken they was. And this was no more only about them, but about everybody who claimed something, but lived something else, my revenge became against all and everybody who speak something but do something else. The revenge I became was me, I revenging to all directly to their face, showing them how deceptive they are, how much they lie, my life became revenge in various forms, in various ways, and as time has been passing I became always satisfied with the outcome of time by itself, when I saw what life brought to the life of those I was revenging against.

                My father has been dying in the agony of pain of cancer, and yet I wished him to die as I saw that as a only point how he can go out from that misery as I never believed he will be cure but I do not cared about him. Really, I saw satisfaction in his position and where was his god? Where was god to help him, to give him love and cure him? Nowhere, his god let him dying in brutal pains for a long time, until his body became so exhausted of this cancer that could not sustain itself anymore. And I do not give a fuck, why I even should I? Why I should give a fuck about him after everything he did to me? I never took hand on him, I never screamed at him, I never said how he should live or what she should do, I never beat him, and he? How many times? And these beings have no authority to claim to be my father and I do not see myself as his son anymore, or son of my mother. I asked many times, who is my father and who is my mother then? Who it is if these beings treat me such way? They are not. And the way of me being alone here, living alone with my revenge towards all, busy as I do not wanted to follow what they live anymore, and the revenge became ingrained within me as me, I am this revenge I am living it, I am becoming this as the years are passing I see more and more lies, more and more deception, I see only people which are fake from top to the bottom, no one is living and no one is my friend, no one is my companion as I am alone with me with revenge I have to accomplish, I need and I have to, as this is my purpose and the very reason I live.

                The point of revenge became transformed into everything I did, spoke, and I was not able to see me in this, as I became it.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 143 : Mind moves – I move

                The point of EGO, and energy movement, is point of my life, as I existed as this EGO always. And to move just as me as breath, that’s the journey out of the ego.

                Today, when I get on the bus, I made just two steps inside, and I looked on a girl on left side, and as I wanted to move behind her, through my mind flashed the question – Why she stand here this way? As her standing in middle of bus simply blockade the movement through this part, and thus I had to bay pass her, but as this movement I did as following of this thought and thus in certain rush of this movement, I hurt my left knee really hard.

                The pain became extreme and I just breathe through this pain, and I realized, why and what was the point I hurt myself.

                Simply, I moved in the mind as follower of the thought in the mind, it was not me moving me, as I saw the moment breathing through the pain, that if I would move myself, it would be impossible to hurt me, because I would do that steps in more calm manner and the certain rush I created within me, showed me what is the outcome of movement in and as the mind.

                And within this, is simplicity, each time I move as the mind, thus I hurt myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to move myself as follower of the thought in the mind, to create the rush and do not be aware my breath, and thus hurt myself, instead of slow down, stop and move me as breath, as my physical body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize, that each moment mind show me any thought, I am able to stop, to be here, to breathe and move myself instead of following the thought and thus energy experience created.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 90 : Fucking sheep’s

                Today, as I was walking around the church, I saw people going out from church, and thought emerged as judgment towards those people – Fucking sheep’s just blinked through my mind.

                It was the church I was forced to go there as a young boy, and I see how much effort took for myself to stop judge myself to stop participate on religion events, to stop pray, to stop fear the idea of god, to stop follow the rules and dogmas of religious brainwashing, because when I was young I was forced to follow many years and repeat the praying and submit to the fears of religion, and control of religion.

                Within this thought, I realized, it is “sad” to see people going into church, it is sad to see people being controlled and manipulated by the fear,  as I see that no one of them would go into a church, it they would be able to see and comprehend, what it really is, what they are doing, why they are doing, and thus churches would remain empty and we would be able to destroy this building of enslavement, control and fear, or use it for some practical purposes.

                The point for myself, as this thought emerged, I judged those people as a representation of one’s under control of fear, thus I judged the fear, thus I judged control, enslavement and manipulation, because of the road I had to walk out of this religion shit and for what? I was enslaved by my parents to this, just only because the believed and thus I had to submit, and I could live without that. I could live without being brainwashed, controlled, and manipulated into living in and as fear, but it was impossible. Yes, I accepted that but within the same moments I couldn’t stood up to my parents as this was impossible. Thus anything what has been done or walked, here is not reason to judge.

                I see and realize why people follow religion, why and how they are under control of fear, thus I stop judge the fear by itself, I stop to judge manipulation and control, as it is useless, rather focus for myself how I can free myself, as within this judgment, it is me who is under control of my mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge control of the mind as something bad and thus exist within and as mind judgment of word control, in separation from word control and thus desire to break through the control of the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I am following the program of control for myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge the fear as bad as something which is enslaving, manipulating and controlling, instead of see and realize what fear really is, as just energy created within and as human being, where they believe this fear is real, and I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge the energy as something bad, instead of stand equal and one with energy for myself, to see and realize where I allowed for myself to be under control of this energy and thus release myself from this enslavement.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge manipulation as something bad and thus exist within and as mind judgment of word manipulation, in separation from word manipulation where I put negative energetic charge to word manipulation.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not like to be under control of someone or something, instead of see and realize that from my childhood till now I was always under control of my own mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not like the manipulation, instead of see and realize that whole my live I was manipulated and thus also I manipulated others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to stand equal and one with fear, control and manipulation because by this I would be able to see what I fear, where I manipulate myself and why I am under control of my own mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act, live, behave according the fears, manipulation and control of my own mind I was learned, thought and thus live according of the alignment of my memories.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be under control of my own memories, or my own past experiences and by this follow my own program of enslavement and control.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own enslavement, to fear to see each point of my enslavement directly here, my self control and my self manipulation directly, because of this I would see my own program and my own enslavement and thus I realize what I allowed to myself to live and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself because of accepted and allowed to myself to live under control, manipulation and enslavement of my mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 50 : Girls and inferiority – You are more wise – Part 4

                At my elementary school age one specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs, white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose, everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.

                When I was attending school that age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.

                But anyway, during classes, lot of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home, when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English, when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for me.

                And I was looking upon this girl and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.

                One at school the girls was asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear to speak, I spoke direct opposite.

                Many times, during lot of events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with that.

                I started to value me according amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear, where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.

                I was lot of times emotional at school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly focused on the points I liked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can speak with you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing, to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and presented in front of you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as positive/negative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger, anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj