Day 51 : Inferiority – Revenge of the EGO – Part 5

                Within a lot of different situations in my life, when I “felt” to be hurt, hurt as a EGO as only EGO can be hurt, or attacked, or abused, or used, or everything which hit me within me, I wanted to revenge to persona whom directed this points on me, as I took it personal.

                The revenge of the EGO, as me, I wanted to direct back towards such persona, to show them, that they will not fuck up with me, to show them who I am as EGO, who I am and what I am capable of, how much I can hurt them back, how much I can harm them, to scare them, but by paradox, I never did.

                It was always in my mind, the thoughts how I can direct things back on them, the constructions of situations, what I can use on my advantage, how I can make them less than me because in the moment I felt hurt I was less than them, as I placed myself in such way.

                Interestingly, EGO, and existence as EGO, is inferiority, but acting out seems to be very dominant, secure, strong, powerful, and it is just polarity, where one as EGO as energy fluctuations within are not understood thus acting out is direct opposite.

                And thus acting as ego is interesting, where inferiority wants to be replaced by superiority, but it is still the same, just perception is changed according such events, where self move from point of being inferior to point of being superior, not seeing that how fucked it is, not realizing how irrelevant, selfish, illusionary such acting is, as it has nothing to do with real situation as EGO is blind, EGO do not see a shit as it is impossible, as EGO is limitation to such degree, that one can have open eyes, but is blind.

                When and as my mind, I wanted to act the way against people as revenge of the EGO, and I didn’t, thus over time, which was from 1 day to weeks, I always realized how “stupid” such acting is, how useless mess EGO create, how I can involve myself to extreme bullshits.

                Revenge, is separation, revenge is judgment, revenge is blindness, revenge is desire to kill oneself in separation from self, revenge is not valuing self, revenge is not valuing life.

                Revenge is fear, fear is illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to act as revenge of the EGO towards myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing that Ego as me is insecurity, anger and fear and thus when I wanted act such way I was insecure, fearful, and angry towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself the thoughts as “ I’ll show him” I’ll show her” “ they will not fuck up with me” “ they are assholes” “I’ll strike back” “ I’ will destroy him/her” “ I’ll make them less” “ I will do this or that”  not seeing and realizing that such type of thoughts comes from my own insecurity, my own inferiority, my own fear, my own anger towards me where I exist in separation from myself and thus want to direct towards myself the opposite of my experience and thus make from myself more and superior to balance myself instead of realizing that my balance is my breath here, that my balance is not in the mind within and as inferiority/superiority, that my stability is in physical within and as my body, equal to physical here, in and as my breath.

I forgive myself that I haven’t  allowed and accepted to myself to see and realize that EGO is always polarity play out of the mind, where self moves from one energy polarity to another energy polarity, not seeing and realizing that me as self, that I am responsible for such energy fluctuations of creations and allowance such energy in me, not seeing and realizing that it is not my real experience of me, but experience of the mind as energy where I allowed and accepted to myself to split into two parts of polarity as inferiority/superiority instead of find my own stability as presence of me, myself in and as breath here, in physical, in flesh as that what is here, as that what is stable and thus stability of myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel insecure, imbalanced, fearful, not stable, angry not seeing that through such allowances I am allowing to live as a mind, as a system, as a program of energy creation through very thoughts as “ I’ll show him” I’ll show her” “ they will not fuck up with me” “ they are assholes” “I’ll strike back” “ I’ will destroy him/her” “ I’ll make them less” “ I will do this or that” and thus project my actions to the future as revenge of the EGO towards myself, where I allowed exist as separated entity of the mind as EGO, limited, fearful, insecure and imbalanced energy fluctuation not seeing and realizing that it is not real experience and expression of myself here, but living in and as mind, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind entity separated from my body, from my breath, from physical as that what is here, instead of remain here with my breath, here with my body, here with my surroundings as physical word around me and stop living in past/future projections of EGO as energy as selfish addict on energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior towards specific females and males and thus support my Ego and support my living as EGO, where from my own inferiority I allowed and accepted to live in fear towards myself, not seeing everyone equal to myself and myself equal to them thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from other human beings through living in fear and insecurity as EGO, not seeing and realizing that EGO is not real, that EGO is created and fabricated according energy allowances within and as my mind according memories I lived and according emotions/feeling I allowed and accepted myself to live and thus living myself just as a reflection of my past, not being here with my body in and as physical, equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist as reflection of my past as mirror of energy I allowed and accepted to myself to live, not seeing and realizing that through this very allowance I separated myself from what is here, I diminished myself and placed myself as inferior, where the memories of me and energy attached to this memories became my direction and my living, not expressing myself here, not living myself here in and as physical, but just a illusion of the mind as idea and believe, what I should be, how I should behave, what I should experience, not realizing that everything of this is just energy I became addicted onto, addicted on my mind, addicted on mind to tell me what to do, how to move, how to behave, how to speak, what to speak, where I allowed and accepted to my mind to be my direction, my savior, my god, my higher call to say and speak to me what and how I should live, what life is, what things around me is, instead or trusting my breath, instead of trusting physical, instead of trusting that what is real, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place my trust into a illusions of the mind as energy and not trusting myself as physical, as breath here, as my own stability and presence within and as world I am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 50 : Girls and inferiority – You are more wise – Part 4

                At my elementary school age one specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs, white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose, everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.

                When I was attending school that age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.

                But anyway, during classes, lot of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home, when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English, when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for me.

                And I was looking upon this girl and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.

                One at school the girls was asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear to speak, I spoke direct opposite.

                Many times, during lot of events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with that.

                I started to value me according amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear, where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.

                I was lot of times emotional at school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly focused on the points I liked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can speak with you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing, to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and presented in front of you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as positive/negative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger, anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj

Inequality as foundation for backchat

                 I had quite “ sad “ realization, that my back chat has been created and founded by inequality where I placed myself as more as other living forms.

                The thought, that I can kill and not let live other forms, the position of ego, the superiority as human. That I can kill because I am human, not for purpose as to sustain my body, but to kill because I can.

                Everywhere is human placed as the top of living forms, you can see it daily, where humans are presented as the top of living species, and I did this within me.

                I placed myself as more than others, my backchat showed me.

Thanks, Juraj