Day 156 : Anxiety is self delusion

                Anxiety as a fear is specific, as this fear is specific in relation of one mind, projections and connections as relationships within and without, as anxiety, represents fear of one own illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as mind design of fear as anxiety as energetic experience within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as mind projections of the future, and from this create the fear of this future because of not taken self responsibility for handling of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect money to fear and thus create within me the energetic experience as fear as anxiety in relation to money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that energetic experience as anxiety is real, instead of see and realize that this is illusion as fear of the future as mind projection.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me the projections of possible future and thus fear this future, as connection towards the money and fear that I will have no money to pay for stuff I will have to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards energetic experience of fear, as projection to the future and thus think and believe that this fear as anxiety is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as fear of the future, define myself towards this fear as mind projections and became it, instead of see and realize that I trapped myself into an illusion of fear and thus let fear to direct me, mislead me and enslave me, and that by this I accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit myself into an idea that fear is vital for life, instead of see and realize how deceptive this is, as fear is enslaving life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own mind projections.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that energetic experience within me as fear as fear of the future is real experience of me, instead of see and realize that this is just energy movement created by the mind because of acceptance and allowance of living as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything as energy experience and energy movement within myself is a lie, not seeing and realizing that mind as a whole is a lie, that anything of the mind is a lie, deception and enslavement.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as energy experience as fear towards myself, in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create positive perception towards fear as energy experience in believe that this experience is my living, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and my own enslavement within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to enslave myself through fear and separation from myself, instead of see and realize that I deluded myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like my own fears, define myself through my own fears and think and believe that this experiences I need, want and require for myself to exist, instead of stop, breathe and remain here as presence of me as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to throw away my self responsibility for handling of money because of requirement of wanting, getting and living in and as fear as anxiety, as projections to the future where because of lack of self responsibility I accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as fear of the future.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that future exists, instead of realize that future is just mind projection based on the memories of the pasts moments.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in and as past moments I lived as energy experiences as fear, as projections to the future.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself in the past through fear of the future as mind projection created of the past memories.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as a memory of my lack of handling of money and by this create and experience within me the anxiety.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into a past through memory of the moment when I spent money and start to fear the future as a mind projection as how I will pay for stuff I need to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to become a memory of my past experiences as self definitions of energy experiences as fear.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that what happened in the past have to happen in the future, and thus trap myself into a mind projection of the future because of me existing as a memory of past moments.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through existing in and as memory of fear of the future as mind projection.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 148 : Move without movement within

                I liked to dance quite lot, I liked to dance for hours and tiredness has not been the point to stop me from dancing, I enjoyed the movements and I enjoyed the sound. I forgot that those movements have been based on energy experience I created within me towards the sound, place, and people. This was years ago.

                For several years I was not attending the clubs, places where I liked to dance, I stopped. The music and sound do not created within me reactions, I do not experienced anything towards the music, and thus I have no more desire to dance and move with the sound as the energy within diminished created towards this points.

                Just few moments when I experienced energy reactions towards music last years are gone, and thus I faced interesting point.

                This night, I went to dance club to meet with friend and look around the downtown, and as I stood nearby stage, and heard the music, music of my likeness from the past, nothing moved within me. I just stood there and breathe, observed the people, lights, dj, and the place looked to be perfect for dancing, exactly matching my likeness of dancing places, and I just stood at the pillar.

                Times ago, normally I would go to dance immediately and start to rave and move, and here nothing. Just I stood and see and within me like nothing which could move me, and at the same time like the wall of resist within me to move and go dance.

When I was young, around age 10 till 14 I was extremely shy to go to dance and move, I spend hours of backchats, worrying, stressing and in nerves to push myself and go to dance. After years this shyness has been gone and it was me who has no problem immediately to jump on stage and dance without alcohol or drugs used, as the music and experiences within me was enough for me. The rave and rush of energy as movement of my body I danced and I moved with the sound and the energy I experienced.

Now, this was completely different, as only what I experienced was nothing just me breathing, and I realized, how much I used to move based on energy and experiences of this energy, and now when this energy is no existent I am no able to move, to go dance and enjoy the music and movement of me.

As I stood there, by paradox I applied SF on this point in the sound of noisy electro music and I started to move myself in the middle of the place, and I just experienced the sound beats on and with my body, all I experienced was just me breathing and the sound and the worry came up as if I am able to even dance without energy experiences but as I started to dance I let go this worry and I started to move myself with the beats of the sound, hearing just this sound and moving me, my legs, hands, my body and I move me but I do not experienced anything within me, no energy and no reaction with or towards the sound, I dance and I move and I hear and I enjoy the moments I dance and nothing just me dancing exists.

After some time I realize that I am not completely satisfied with myself as my movements, as I see that many moves of me I programmed to my body and thus some moves are heavy, some are light and like flow, some even hard to proceed and I see that this is not completely me as moves of me while dancing.

The friend comes and I see she has a worry with the points she is facing, she pretend she is ok but I always see she is not. I stopped to dance and went out with her, and the experiences of me as nothingness do not changed within moments, just worry of her came up if she will be ok, yes I see she will be but sometimes to go through some points with another is quite difficult, mainly in the stage where she is.

Anyway the point of moving me without energy experiences is quite interesting, and at the same time like “hard” as it is me who have to move me, not energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I never moved without energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I was always addicted to energy movements within me and thus follow the energy which I accepted and allowed within me to move, and not move myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that it is me who have to move myself, and not energy and thus I have to realize for myself what it means to move me, where nothing as energy movement exists within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to free myself from energy movement, energy addiction and thus moving me according energy in and as my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to give myself the permission to move me without energy, where I am the directive principle of my movement and not mind nor energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to move myself without any energy requirement.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to direct myself and not accept and allow to create within me the energy nor accept be directed by energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to flow, to move, to express, to expand in and as breath, as the moment as presence of me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move myself without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe the I need energy for my movement, not seeing and realizing that it is actually me as my body which moves in and as moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I always needs some point, source, influence which will move me, not seeing and realizing that by this I am submitting myself to my mind and separating myself from myself, as everything which exists is equal to me and I equal to everything.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am to weak to stop my mind entirely, to stop living as energy addict and believe that energy experiences are real experiences of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust to energy experiences within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t move, that I can’t express and direct myself if I have no energy created within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to decide for myself and stand up for myself and direct myself if I have no energy within me, not seeing and realizing that this is living me in self dishonesty towards me, in delusion, in lie and compromising my life and my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to flow, to expand, to express myself here within and as moment here, because I defined myself in and as living in submission of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind is not real, that anything of the mind is illusion and that I submitted my life into and as illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need energy, that I desire energy, that without energy I am dead.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to experience something if I do not experience anything as energy movement of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that desire to experience something is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have no power to move me, to direct me, to express and live my life in self honesty here as I clearly see that what is of the mind is based on thoughts and energy movement as friction of polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards thoughts of the mind, energy experiences created as polarity friction within my body and thus think and believe that I need this friction, that I need polarity to be able to live and have sense that I live not seeing and realizing that this sense of living is my own self delusion because I accepted to live as mind slave all my life, and thus it is me who have to take all my power back to myself, as I am the source, as I am the direction, as I am here as breath, as my body as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am inside my body in my head, not seeing and realizing that I am the body, that I am the very flesh as physical not inside as voice, thoughts, back chats or energy experiences, but real being moving, expressing, and living here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe what if some of my thoughts are real, what is some thought is valid, what if some back chat is true, what if somehow possibly this is me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of seeing what is of the mind as thoughts as spoken words by the mind which I clearly hear within my head, and thus I can use any of the words mind spoke to investigate how, when, why I defined myself to live as the mind slave controlled by illusion, and thus free myself from mind control and free myself and live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind can be good guide, not seeing and realizing that anything of the mind as thought, energy experiences, is simply trap of the program as design to keep me enslaved, controlled and not allow to live as free being, not seeing and realizing that mind will never allow to myself to free me, because it is me who have to stop the mind, it is me who have to take my power back to me, it is me who have to free myself, to stop each thought I accepted, to stop any energy movement I created within me, and thus stop to live in and as friction of polarity design, which is design of the mind to create the energy from myself as physical and thus destroy, diminish and devalue myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind will somehow help me to stop the mind, not seeing how deluded this is, as mind had power over me whole life and thus mind will do everything possible to sustain itself, and thus it is me who have to stop the mind, to stand up for myself and direct myself each moment in and as breath, because moment I am not here as breath thus I am in the mind and thus in realms of illusions.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need the mind to stop the mind, not seeing and realizing that I have everything what I need to be able to stop the mind effectively, as my breath, self forgiveness and ability to investigate the point as how, where and when I defined myself into a mind and thus how I trapped myself into a illusion.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 145 : Respect and value of me

                As I was born to this world, and grow up and observed what is around me, many orders, restrictions and commands I heard as a points from those which thought they know what it means to educate child.

                They was wrong as they had no idea what they spoke to me and why, they was not aware what they imposed on me, they do not saw and realized how they abused me, that everything was said just for sake of wanting to have control over me, to make me of their image and likeness, to make me submit they will and follow and live their believes, ideas and their life.

                No one cared who I really am, no one cared what I would like to really live, no one respected me as a being and no one respected me as their equals. No one said to me to respect myself, no one said to me to like myself and enjoy myself, no one said to me to value myself and honor myself, no one said to me to cherish me. No one wanted to give me freedom and show me what freedom is, no one in my life ever teach me what I should really know and understand.

                No one as all was blind and deaf, no one as all was innocent in their blindness, no on as they was not knowing, seeing and realizing what they really do and why.

                It is paradox, but no one lived their lives as free beings, not directed and enslaved by the mind. As we are all, trapped and living the illusion of the life, thinking and believing.

                Who really see the madness of this so called “life”? Who see what we created? Who see this world the way it is? Who see, that we all are responsible for this creation? Who see that we created this? Who see that we are creators of this misery what is here?

                Who really see? That we forgot to respect and value life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget to value life and respect life and therefore to respect and value myself as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget to value mind and energy experiences more than physical therefore more than life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not give value, respect and honor to myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not cherish myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not give attention to myself each moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not respect myself each moment I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not enjoy myself each moment I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not care about those who are not fortunate as me and thus accept and allow separating myself from them and thinking and believing that I can’t help or care about them.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am too weak to help those who are less fortunate than me to make this world for all enjoyable place.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not value others as me, because I do not valued myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from others because of believes, perceptions and ideas about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from here, because of very living in and as the mind, where mind is never here but always in the past.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see what is here, what has been accepted and allowed on this place as horror and pain of majority of being living on this planet.

Thanks, Juraj