Day 145 : Respect and value of me

                As I was born to this world, and grow up and observed what is around me, many orders, restrictions and commands I heard as a points from those which thought they know what it means to educate child.

                They was wrong as they had no idea what they spoke to me and why, they was not aware what they imposed on me, they do not saw and realized how they abused me, that everything was said just for sake of wanting to have control over me, to make me of their image and likeness, to make me submit they will and follow and live their believes, ideas and their life.

                No one cared who I really am, no one cared what I would like to really live, no one respected me as a being and no one respected me as their equals. No one said to me to respect myself, no one said to me to like myself and enjoy myself, no one said to me to value myself and honor myself, no one said to me to cherish me. No one wanted to give me freedom and show me what freedom is, no one in my life ever teach me what I should really know and understand.

                No one as all was blind and deaf, no one as all was innocent in their blindness, no on as they was not knowing, seeing and realizing what they really do and why.

                It is paradox, but no one lived their lives as free beings, not directed and enslaved by the mind. As we are all, trapped and living the illusion of the life, thinking and believing.

                Who really see the madness of this so called “life”? Who see what we created? Who see this world the way it is? Who see, that we all are responsible for this creation? Who see that we created this? Who see that we are creators of this misery what is here?

                Who really see? That we forgot to respect and value life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget to value life and respect life and therefore to respect and value myself as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget to value mind and energy experiences more than physical therefore more than life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not give value, respect and honor to myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not cherish myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not give attention to myself each moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not respect myself each moment I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not enjoy myself each moment I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not care about those who are not fortunate as me and thus accept and allow separating myself from them and thinking and believing that I can’t help or care about them.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am too weak to help those who are less fortunate than me to make this world for all enjoyable place.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not value others as me, because I do not valued myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from others because of believes, perceptions and ideas about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from here, because of very living in and as the mind, where mind is never here but always in the past.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see what is here, what has been accepted and allowed on this place as horror and pain of majority of being living on this planet.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 64 : I am not good enough

                This judgment and perception of me opened up. The seeing me as a not good enough, as not good enough as a partner, as not good enough as a child, as a son, as a friend, as a living being, as not enough in that what I live in perception, how others could perceive me, girls, mother, etc.

                I even do not know what does mean to be good enough, or what I should be to be good enough. Should I even be something to be good enough? Should I match some criteria for others to be good enough? My mother was never satisfied with me, my brothers the same, I never heard anything from my mother in meaning of her satisfaction with myself, as I see it was impossible to hear those words from her. And in front of girls, it was always the similar points as I am good enough as a male for them? Does they perceive my as enough?

                This judgment of me comes from comparison of myself with other males, as this comparison is about how my body as male body looks, how much money I have or them, which girls they date and me, simply all scenarios I saw during my life time, thus this judgment ingrained within and as me, as being not good enough, but by paradox, this judgment of myself is pure bullshit, as what does that mean to be good enough?

                To be good enough do not exist, as I can be just self honest with me and that’s it.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge, perceive myself as not being good enough in front of my mother, in front of my brothers and sister, in front of girls where I compared myself with another males, according shape of my body and their bodies, according money I have and they have, according girls they date and I, and from this create within me the superiority and inferiority polarity, where I perceived and judged myself as not being good enough and thus perceive myself as inferior and others and superior.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in polarity of the mind as good and bad, and judge myself and perceive myself as not being good enough, not seeing and realizing that this judgment of not being good enough comes from lack of self trust, where I put my trust into and as my mind to tells me who I am and how I should perceive myself and thus trusting the mind and not myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself and perceive myself as not being good enough as judging myself according the muscles I have and defined myself according the shapes of my body and from this creating within and as me inferiority and perception of not being good enough for girls and I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself that I am not good enough for my mother, brothers and sister as I do not followed my life according what they expected from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge and perceive myself as not being good enough and exist within and as polarity of the mind as good and bad, where I judged myself as bad and that I do not deserve for myself anything just being rejected, laughed and punished.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to torture myself with the judgment of myself as not being good enough, not seeing and realizing that nothing like be good enough or not be good enough do not exist and that this is just judgment of myself coming from comparison and competition I allowed and accepted for myself to live in separation from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think that I have to follow some expectations from others in regards of how I live, what I live and who and what I am to be good enough for them, not seeing and realizing that living me is not about following anything of this word but just be self honest with myself, equal and one with my body, do not judge myself and do not compare myself to anybody and anything and live me here, as breath and honor the life as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself towards others in separation from myself and thus create within me the judgment of not being good enough, that I do not deserve to be respected, to be seen, and recognized, instead of realizing that it was me who do not respected, seen and recognized myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget about myself and not see myself and not respect myself in equality of me here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see myself as equal to others, to do not recognized myself as equal and one with others, to do not respect myself as equal and one with others.

I commit to myself to stop the judgments of myself, to investigate each judgment I lived and accepted, to forgive myself and stop living the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water – Calm and Wild

                 I went through strong water turbulence with my kayak called “ bath “ and after I get off from “ bath “ the protection around my hips which is placed to prevent water pouring inside the kayak was withheld and I saw that in my boat lot of water get in.

                I felt that kayak became hardly controllable as with such big amount of water in it became slightly sinking down.

                I realized that I will be not able to get through next water curves and “baths “ as the last part of the water canal was really wild so I wanted to get with kayak near waterside to get off successfully.

                But the water jet was stronger than my ability to control boat and I realized that I will not be able to even get to water side and that I have to go through last part of water canal and through all baths there and curves.

                So I was just able to made last maneuver to straighten the boat with the water jet but it was hard, almost sinking and as the protection was down I realized that I will not be able to go through as next bath will drown me down completely.

                Simply, at the moment I knew I will go under water with kayak as the water stream was to strong, at the moment I knew I will not do it, impossible in such circumstances.

                As I was in the middle of the bath the kayak became completely full of water and uncontrollable and the water starts to play its own game. I was just able to throw away paddle and prepare myself to get off from boat while I will be under the water.

                Kayak and I turned to right and I am in the water, not breathing, just cold and darkness around me. I just feel strong turbulences of water, I catch the sides of kayak with my hands and I want to pull out myself, but something is wrong. My legs stuck in.

                Also the position of the boat was not “usual “as the beginning of kayak remained stuck under some rock and the end was up, the fact that boat was full of water complicated all of this.

                I tried to fight the situation and involve as much power as possible, nothing happened, but I didn’t panic, I was prepared for such situations, not exactly this one but I practiced different ones before.

                Fast moments passing and I realized that I let my legs on sides of kayak so I couldn’t pull myself out so I straighten the legs and finally get off, how easy it was.

                I had to get at the water side which was problematic in such water jet but I did it, slowly moving myself on the ground with hands, legs, completely exhausted, tired, just breathing and sitting there.

                Nothing existed in the moment.

                I had to go two times more through that canal that day, but something happened within me, inside me. I started to feel strong anxiety within me, I knew that this experiences changes a lot.

                I lost the courage to go again, so I used all excuses possible to my couch to do not force me to go again. He didn’t.

                Next day I practiced on that canal, the maneuvers in the water and waves, I noticed something, the way how I approached it changed.

                I lost courage, I lost trust in me. The respect I started to put in the waves in front of me, and experience from previous day, where I created anxiety within me, was end of the sport I loved the most.

                Kayak on wild water, and me, I loved that, and at the same time I started to feat it. No one I told to, why should I, it was just me and water.

Thanks, Juraj