Day 65 : I have no money – I have no value - Money slave

                Point came up, the money, my perception of money and the value I am giving into money, and into myself through the money, and within this judgment of myself because of not having money, and thus not valuing myself as basically, I am without money, as this is comparison with those who have more and not seeing the plenty less fortunate than me.

                It is also the point seeing my through the money, who I am if I have money and who I am if I do not have, seeing the world here as establishment of money and dictate of money, and thus hidden anger, frustration, as why everything here in this world is basically determined just only because of money?

                Simply, we built this world just only on one value, and this one value is money. Within money point I see coming up many other points within my world, thus I will probably cover this in more writings.

                Why I sit here in cafeteria and enjoy the coffee is just only because I have money to afford this. Thus the very reason I can sit here, are money. The point why I can write this all on laptop is only money as I work for company which provides me this money and this resource. Why I have the shoes, trousers and shirt on myself are just only because I had money to buy it. The reason why I can to spend time with writing this is only money, as I do not need to be in some other job to work for money, in meaning, that my spending for my living are less than my earnings thus I can afford to spend time this way. The reason why I can enjoy myself here, are only money as through this money I can “buy” time for myself, and thus “buy” the enjoyment of myself.

                I could continue with other points, but as I see, everything is made up of and based on money, and money by itself are illusion, as money have no real value as money represents debt. Thus the very reason I am here, because I allowed myself to go into debt for my living, where in the future I will have to pay back for that what I live, the reason I am here, is because I allowed myself to use the debt of myself, the debt of my living in illusion and for illusion as a debt slave.

                Money are representation of debt, illusion, made up story out of nothing. I made up my living because of illusion and debt of myself, because I allowed myself the slavery of myself, and through this, I dared to judge myself and diminish myself and not value myself, as where I put value in my life are money, thus I put value into a illusion and into a debt.

                Nice fuck up.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as not having value, as not worthy and as not worthy and good enough as a point of comparison myself with those who has more money and thus perceive myself as not fortunate enough for living my life, and not seeing plenty of those who have literally nothing and die in starvation each day and not seeing those which live in horror and pain because they have no money and thus rather wish to die.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to regret my life and not valuing myself as life because I put value into money and see myself through money as debt, energy, and slavery and thus I allowed and accepted to myself the slavery of myself through debt and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as a point of seeing myself through money and thus seeing myself through energy, illusion and debt of myself as a point of what I will have to pay back into a future, how much energy I will have to give back, how much illusions I will have to create back and how much debt I will have to allow and accept to stop the slavery of myself, not seeing and realizing that I created myself and my perception of living within and as the point of have/not have money, and thus equally as a point of having/not having the energy for my living and thus searching the places, people, words, situations where and how I could get money/energy for myself to sustain my living, not seeing and realizing that all of this is delusion of myself and delusion of myself that I live.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live and accept the system based on energy/illusion/debt as system of value and thus valuing myself accordingly as a point of comparison as how much energy/illusions/debt as money I can get for myself and thus live my so called life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to delude myself and my life with the money and the amount of money I have, to enslave myself into a seeing myself through money I have or I can get, and enslave myself into a thinking and living accordingly money I can spent or use for myself and for my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wish to win a lot of money, to wish to be more fortunate as a point of changing my life if I would win a lot of money, as a point of excuse that than I will change myself and change my living and change my life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to determine my self honesty through the point of money and as a point of how much money I have, and thus shape myself, my living, my words accordingly as how much money I can spend, instead of seeing and realizing that this is self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my decisions only on money I have or I can spend or afford, and not seeing myself as life as and only value which exist but valuing myself through money I have.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish myself, to regret myself, to judge myself accordingly of amount of money I have, can get, can earn or get and not living myself, not speaking myself, not standing up for myself, but shape and mold myself according illusion, of money, debt of money, and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself with others according the amount of money I have and they have and thus exist within and as mind system as comparison myself in separation from myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be jealous on those who are more fortunate and have more money and be jealous on life they can live and how they live as a point of going into a work or not having go into a work as a point of amount of money I have and they have and through this be dishonest within and as me, to delude myself and enslave myself into living a mind, a system of energy and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see myself as life, equal with life, not honor myself as life because of separation myself from the money, judging money as bad, seeing money as evil and judging money as root of all evil, instead of realizing that through this I am judging myself and living just as a zombie for money and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from money through judging money as bad, through judging the system as bad as the system is based on money, thus judging myself as bad as I am within the system and participant in the system, not seeing and realizing that through this very judgment I am the problem why system of money exist this way, as I separated myself from the money, judged them and desiring to have money and be jealous on those who have more money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself according the amount of money I have, according the money I can spend and the stuff I can spend money on, to define myself according the debt/energy/illusion money represents and became the living entity of definition of myself towards money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to have money, to fear to earn a lot of money, to fear to handle money as a fear of what or who I would became if I would have those money.

I commit myself to investigate how I defined myself towards money and stop living as a zombie for money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 64 : I am not good enough

                This judgment and perception of me opened up. The seeing me as a not good enough, as not good enough as a partner, as not good enough as a child, as a son, as a friend, as a living being, as not enough in that what I live in perception, how others could perceive me, girls, mother, etc.

                I even do not know what does mean to be good enough, or what I should be to be good enough. Should I even be something to be good enough? Should I match some criteria for others to be good enough? My mother was never satisfied with me, my brothers the same, I never heard anything from my mother in meaning of her satisfaction with myself, as I see it was impossible to hear those words from her. And in front of girls, it was always the similar points as I am good enough as a male for them? Does they perceive my as enough?

                This judgment of me comes from comparison of myself with other males, as this comparison is about how my body as male body looks, how much money I have or them, which girls they date and me, simply all scenarios I saw during my life time, thus this judgment ingrained within and as me, as being not good enough, but by paradox, this judgment of myself is pure bullshit, as what does that mean to be good enough?

                To be good enough do not exist, as I can be just self honest with me and that’s it.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge, perceive myself as not being good enough in front of my mother, in front of my brothers and sister, in front of girls where I compared myself with another males, according shape of my body and their bodies, according money I have and they have, according girls they date and I, and from this create within me the superiority and inferiority polarity, where I perceived and judged myself as not being good enough and thus perceive myself as inferior and others and superior.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in polarity of the mind as good and bad, and judge myself and perceive myself as not being good enough, not seeing and realizing that this judgment of not being good enough comes from lack of self trust, where I put my trust into and as my mind to tells me who I am and how I should perceive myself and thus trusting the mind and not myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself and perceive myself as not being good enough as judging myself according the muscles I have and defined myself according the shapes of my body and from this creating within and as me inferiority and perception of not being good enough for girls and I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself that I am not good enough for my mother, brothers and sister as I do not followed my life according what they expected from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge and perceive myself as not being good enough and exist within and as polarity of the mind as good and bad, where I judged myself as bad and that I do not deserve for myself anything just being rejected, laughed and punished.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to torture myself with the judgment of myself as not being good enough, not seeing and realizing that nothing like be good enough or not be good enough do not exist and that this is just judgment of myself coming from comparison and competition I allowed and accepted for myself to live in separation from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think that I have to follow some expectations from others in regards of how I live, what I live and who and what I am to be good enough for them, not seeing and realizing that living me is not about following anything of this word but just be self honest with myself, equal and one with my body, do not judge myself and do not compare myself to anybody and anything and live me here, as breath and honor the life as me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself towards others in separation from myself and thus create within me the judgment of not being good enough, that I do not deserve to be respected, to be seen, and recognized, instead of realizing that it was me who do not respected, seen and recognized myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget about myself and not see myself and not respect myself in equality of me here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see myself as equal to others, to do not recognized myself as equal and one with others, to do not respect myself as equal and one with others.

I commit to myself to stop the judgments of myself, to investigate each judgment I lived and accepted, to forgive myself and stop living the mind.

Thanks, Juraj