Day 65 : I have no money – I have no value - Money slave

                Point came up, the money, my perception of money and the value I am giving into money, and into myself through the money, and within this judgment of myself because of not having money, and thus not valuing myself as basically, I am without money, as this is comparison with those who have more and not seeing the plenty less fortunate than me.

                It is also the point seeing my through the money, who I am if I have money and who I am if I do not have, seeing the world here as establishment of money and dictate of money, and thus hidden anger, frustration, as why everything here in this world is basically determined just only because of money?

                Simply, we built this world just only on one value, and this one value is money. Within money point I see coming up many other points within my world, thus I will probably cover this in more writings.

                Why I sit here in cafeteria and enjoy the coffee is just only because I have money to afford this. Thus the very reason I can sit here, are money. The point why I can write this all on laptop is only money as I work for company which provides me this money and this resource. Why I have the shoes, trousers and shirt on myself are just only because I had money to buy it. The reason why I can to spend time with writing this is only money, as I do not need to be in some other job to work for money, in meaning, that my spending for my living are less than my earnings thus I can afford to spend time this way. The reason why I can enjoy myself here, are only money as through this money I can “buy” time for myself, and thus “buy” the enjoyment of myself.

                I could continue with other points, but as I see, everything is made up of and based on money, and money by itself are illusion, as money have no real value as money represents debt. Thus the very reason I am here, because I allowed myself to go into debt for my living, where in the future I will have to pay back for that what I live, the reason I am here, is because I allowed myself to use the debt of myself, the debt of my living in illusion and for illusion as a debt slave.

                Money are representation of debt, illusion, made up story out of nothing. I made up my living because of illusion and debt of myself, because I allowed myself the slavery of myself, and through this, I dared to judge myself and diminish myself and not value myself, as where I put value in my life are money, thus I put value into a illusion and into a debt.

                Nice fuck up.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as not having value, as not worthy and as not worthy and good enough as a point of comparison myself with those who has more money and thus perceive myself as not fortunate enough for living my life, and not seeing plenty of those who have literally nothing and die in starvation each day and not seeing those which live in horror and pain because they have no money and thus rather wish to die.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to regret my life and not valuing myself as life because I put value into money and see myself through money as debt, energy, and slavery and thus I allowed and accepted to myself the slavery of myself through debt and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as a point of seeing myself through money and thus seeing myself through energy, illusion and debt of myself as a point of what I will have to pay back into a future, how much energy I will have to give back, how much illusions I will have to create back and how much debt I will have to allow and accept to stop the slavery of myself, not seeing and realizing that I created myself and my perception of living within and as the point of have/not have money, and thus equally as a point of having/not having the energy for my living and thus searching the places, people, words, situations where and how I could get money/energy for myself to sustain my living, not seeing and realizing that all of this is delusion of myself and delusion of myself that I live.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live and accept the system based on energy/illusion/debt as system of value and thus valuing myself accordingly as a point of comparison as how much energy/illusions/debt as money I can get for myself and thus live my so called life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to delude myself and my life with the money and the amount of money I have, to enslave myself into a seeing myself through money I have or I can get, and enslave myself into a thinking and living accordingly money I can spent or use for myself and for my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wish to win a lot of money, to wish to be more fortunate as a point of changing my life if I would win a lot of money, as a point of excuse that than I will change myself and change my living and change my life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to determine my self honesty through the point of money and as a point of how much money I have, and thus shape myself, my living, my words accordingly as how much money I can spend, instead of seeing and realizing that this is self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my decisions only on money I have or I can spend or afford, and not seeing myself as life as and only value which exist but valuing myself through money I have.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish myself, to regret myself, to judge myself accordingly of amount of money I have, can get, can earn or get and not living myself, not speaking myself, not standing up for myself, but shape and mold myself according illusion, of money, debt of money, and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself with others according the amount of money I have and they have and thus exist within and as mind system as comparison myself in separation from myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be jealous on those who are more fortunate and have more money and be jealous on life they can live and how they live as a point of going into a work or not having go into a work as a point of amount of money I have and they have and through this be dishonest within and as me, to delude myself and enslave myself into living a mind, a system of energy and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see myself as life, equal with life, not honor myself as life because of separation myself from the money, judging money as bad, seeing money as evil and judging money as root of all evil, instead of realizing that through this I am judging myself and living just as a zombie for money and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from money through judging money as bad, through judging the system as bad as the system is based on money, thus judging myself as bad as I am within the system and participant in the system, not seeing and realizing that through this very judgment I am the problem why system of money exist this way, as I separated myself from the money, judged them and desiring to have money and be jealous on those who have more money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself according the amount of money I have, according the money I can spend and the stuff I can spend money on, to define myself according the debt/energy/illusion money represents and became the living entity of definition of myself towards money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to have money, to fear to earn a lot of money, to fear to handle money as a fear of what or who I would became if I would have those money.

I commit myself to investigate how I defined myself towards money and stop living as a zombie for money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 44 : Fear of Light – Hide in dark

                 In my young ages, I liked to hide in dark, I liked to hide in my bed, it was the one which could be opened and I move myself inside, with blanket as the cover of opened side of the bed, or sometimes I even closed the bed and I just let tiny whole there to be able to breathe inside.

                It was for me the place I like to be in, there was dark and I was within and as this dark, I felt secured, I felt be ok with me. I liked the darkness and I liked the dark, as what I saw through light mostly I didn’t liked.

                I can say, I didn’t liked how our family functioned, I didn’t liked school system, and I didn’t liked play out of the friendships, as always interactions with anybody brings always various conflicts, various misunderstandings, and questions and questions rising within and as me, from my childhood but no answers, nowhere valid answers.

                I asked and I tried to communicate in my life with everybody, and always this led to misunderstandings, I saw that here is something wrong, I never could explain to me what I see as wrong at this place.

                I saw the people around me, and I saw something is wrong but I was not able to see what it is.  Thus I start to hide within me, I start to hide in front of others, I started to suppress myself as I didn’t wanted to be confronted with others, as I never liked conflicts, conflicts was for me always like traumas, even tiny ones, thus I created within and as me the character as persona as funny guy, as protection from others, as protection to be harmed, I started to love jokes, and I became the one who always make others to laugh, as I had tons of jokes prepared always, I was the one who was creating the fun for others, but all this fun was fake.

                All the fun and jokes, presented within and as me, was just my funny character, it was not who I really am, it was not me living, it was just me making others to laugh to cover deep sadness within me. This sadness, I tried to uncover many many times, without success to see what it is, why this sadness is part of me, why and what I see.

                This sadness, is coming from that what I see through light, what I see we do to each other, what I see how we live, that we do not live. No one of us, no one of us is really enjoying the life, no one is here and no one is honest. Everything which is built and everything what has been done, was just for sake of abuse, manipulation, rape, ego, and as a young boy as I saw that what it here, and how people function and how the interaction between people is going, I started to simply fear to see it.

                I do not wanted to see what is going on here, I do not wanted to be part of this, I even do no understand why I have to be here, if this place is simply terrific. Yes, living on this planet is horror and what have been allowed and accepted towards life is beyond any measure, it is beyond any imagination, it is beyond any justification and any excuse.

                Millennia over millennia the Man is abusing life, the Man is killing life, Man is dishonoring life, Man is raping life, Man is lying, Man is hiding, Man is making slaves even not noticing that the Man is slave, Man is divided and split, Man is in never ending cycle between polarities, Man is in constant judgment, Man is in deluded, Man believe in zillions of gods and angels, Man live the illusion and the Man call this illusion life and dare to claim that the Man is god.

                There is no good Man in this place and there is no goodness at all. Have a look. Have a look what is going on this planet, maybe you will see.

                You can put all horror movies together which mankind created already, and still it will be just nothing if we compare what mankind allowed to be done towards the life which is here.

                And I didn’t wanted be part of this, and I didn’t wanted to see that I am also the one who is responsible for everything which is here, thus I started to fear the light and the darkness was my companion. Because within and as darkness I do not had to look on what is going on here, thus in my life I started to enjoy places where the darkness was, I liked to live in the dark and sleep during the day, sometimes I wanted to simply sleep forever, or simply go somewhere else, but where I should go? It is no place where to hide, it is no place where to go, everything is still here.

                But thanks to light I can’t deny what I see, thanks to light I can’t run away, but thanks to light I can’t ignore what we as mankind are doing to each other.

                It is not acceptable to continue this way. Simply, it is not acceptable. Mankind has to awake from the dream which mankind is living – and this dream is called – MIND.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as fear to see what is going on here on this planet and what we as humanity is collectively accepting and allowing to live I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as point of fear to see that I am responsible for that what is here and that I am part of this all and that I am part of mankind and thus it is my responsibility to awake myself from the mind and help and support others to awake to stop torturing the life and abusing the life thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not want to take responsibility to show others what has been allowed and accepted and just rather remain hidden in the darkness of myself where I do not have to see what is going on here and how we as humanity are blind to each other and deaf to each other as we live each one of us in own self created bubble of our minds full of deception, lies, manipulation made of ideas and believes about ourselves and thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create for myself ideas and believes about me and life to do not have to see and realize what I am living and what I am accepting towards myself and towards others where I lived as ego as separated entity within and as my mind ignoring the most prominent fact here which is that life has been hijacked, that life has been abused by man to utmost degree possible and that I am responsible to show and reveal everything what has been done to awake myself and others to stop this madness which we are living here on earth.

Thanks, Juraj