Day 83 : Relationships - Me as knowledge EGO

                I know, I know, I know. This is me because I know. I get the information of this world, from this world, and I defined myself accordingly, I shaped myself to this knowledge, of this knowledge, and I became the EGO as knowledge, because I know.

                You can’t be cleverer because I know. You can’t be wiser because I know. You are blind and you are deaf. You can’t see and understand a shit, as you are not even aware everything you are is just illusion.

                You’re not real, you do not exist, and everything you exist as, and consist of, is just memory, knowledge, shaped, molded, be me, by information as formations I created within and as you, and you are not even aware how this formations are created, you do not see how I use you and abuse you by this words you red, heard, saw.

                You do not realize, that who you are, are just connections between this words, but you are not real. You can’t be. Me, as your mind, I am not real neither. I influenced you to such degree, that you even do not see you are under my control and my command.

                I directed you all your life, do you see it? I commanded you, and all your falls in your life are because of me. Because you believed that what I showed you, what I thought to you, is you. It was not.

                When you experienced yourself? How you experienced yourself? You see, those moments you can count easily, everything else, is me, the program which runs within you, the program you absorbed to your body, even the way how you move, is programmed.

                You allowed me to do this with you, it was you who gave me the highest permission in your life, to direct you and use your power, your life source, your essence, your beingness to empower me.

                It was you who brought me to your life, it was you, only you. And you and me, we are the one, deal with that.

                What you will do with that?

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself, shape and mold according knowledge I absorbed into my body, to separate myself from this knowledge and thus create relationships of this knowledge and thus became the EGO as self definition towards and as information and knowledge I was able to absorb into me, and thus move, speak, and express myself according formations of words, as connections and relationships within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave importance to the knowledge of this world and from this world, and thus define myself as EGO, as energy moving within and as me according knowledge I got, and thus shape myself and define myself as more than those who know less, and compare myself with those who know less, to be able to create from myself the more than who I really am, in perception and idea that I need, require and want to be more, that I have to be more than those who know less, instead of see and realize that everything I became is just knowledge and information of this world I absorbed into me, and thus create within me the connections, relationships, and store within and as me as memories of my past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that knowledge is that what gives my power, security and ability to live on this planet, instead of see and realize that in fact I became the slave of this knowledge and enslaved to this knowledge as I accepted to myself to be directed by this knowledge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that more knowledge I absorb thus I am more than others, who do not know a shit, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and self imprisonment as self definition and self limitation to this knowledge as formations created within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and the way of my expression, the way of my speech, my voice tonalities, my movements, my living according knowledge and information I got of and from this world, instead of see and realize that mind knows, but self as who I really am see, thus I do not need to know anything, as I see.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to impose on others my knowledge and information as secret attempt to take them down, to show them how stupid they are, to reveal that they do not know a shit and do not understand a shit, as an attempt to make from myself more, not seeing and realizing that within this I became the slave of the mind, the slave of information I got of this world, and that within this I participated on superiority / inferiority design, and thus support the system of abuse, manipulation and self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to make from myself more through information and knowledge splashed on others as an attempt of EGO to win, to show and reveal others that they are losers because they do not know a shit and realize a shit, instead of see myself within this, and see that I participated on polarity game as winner / loser and thus tried to make from myself the one who win, and from others those who lose, as attempt to be the one who get the most energy through winning and those who lose thus they lose they energy, they confidence, they self value.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to tried to value myself through information and knowledge of this world, instead of value myself as life, as equality as life, as breath here, within each breath I take, within each moment I am here, and thus be great full to me and to others

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself through information and knowledge I got of this world, and try to look on things, instead of see clearly and directly what is really here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to see me, because I got power to my mind to direct me because of knowledge I got from this world, instead of be here within and as each breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to use knowledge secretly as manipulation to maintain my balance and thus show others that they can’t drop me down.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be dropped down by others, instead of see and realize that this is because of separation and fear of myself, thus I am here, I stand here, I walk here, I live here, where my body is I am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 44 : Fear of Light – Hide in dark

                 In my young ages, I liked to hide in dark, I liked to hide in my bed, it was the one which could be opened and I move myself inside, with blanket as the cover of opened side of the bed, or sometimes I even closed the bed and I just let tiny whole there to be able to breathe inside.

                It was for me the place I like to be in, there was dark and I was within and as this dark, I felt secured, I felt be ok with me. I liked the darkness and I liked the dark, as what I saw through light mostly I didn’t liked.

                I can say, I didn’t liked how our family functioned, I didn’t liked school system, and I didn’t liked play out of the friendships, as always interactions with anybody brings always various conflicts, various misunderstandings, and questions and questions rising within and as me, from my childhood but no answers, nowhere valid answers.

                I asked and I tried to communicate in my life with everybody, and always this led to misunderstandings, I saw that here is something wrong, I never could explain to me what I see as wrong at this place.

                I saw the people around me, and I saw something is wrong but I was not able to see what it is.  Thus I start to hide within me, I start to hide in front of others, I started to suppress myself as I didn’t wanted to be confronted with others, as I never liked conflicts, conflicts was for me always like traumas, even tiny ones, thus I created within and as me the character as persona as funny guy, as protection from others, as protection to be harmed, I started to love jokes, and I became the one who always make others to laugh, as I had tons of jokes prepared always, I was the one who was creating the fun for others, but all this fun was fake.

                All the fun and jokes, presented within and as me, was just my funny character, it was not who I really am, it was not me living, it was just me making others to laugh to cover deep sadness within me. This sadness, I tried to uncover many many times, without success to see what it is, why this sadness is part of me, why and what I see.

                This sadness, is coming from that what I see through light, what I see we do to each other, what I see how we live, that we do not live. No one of us, no one of us is really enjoying the life, no one is here and no one is honest. Everything which is built and everything what has been done, was just for sake of abuse, manipulation, rape, ego, and as a young boy as I saw that what it here, and how people function and how the interaction between people is going, I started to simply fear to see it.

                I do not wanted to see what is going on here, I do not wanted to be part of this, I even do no understand why I have to be here, if this place is simply terrific. Yes, living on this planet is horror and what have been allowed and accepted towards life is beyond any measure, it is beyond any imagination, it is beyond any justification and any excuse.

                Millennia over millennia the Man is abusing life, the Man is killing life, Man is dishonoring life, Man is raping life, Man is lying, Man is hiding, Man is making slaves even not noticing that the Man is slave, Man is divided and split, Man is in never ending cycle between polarities, Man is in constant judgment, Man is in deluded, Man believe in zillions of gods and angels, Man live the illusion and the Man call this illusion life and dare to claim that the Man is god.

                There is no good Man in this place and there is no goodness at all. Have a look. Have a look what is going on this planet, maybe you will see.

                You can put all horror movies together which mankind created already, and still it will be just nothing if we compare what mankind allowed to be done towards the life which is here.

                And I didn’t wanted be part of this, and I didn’t wanted to see that I am also the one who is responsible for everything which is here, thus I started to fear the light and the darkness was my companion. Because within and as darkness I do not had to look on what is going on here, thus in my life I started to enjoy places where the darkness was, I liked to live in the dark and sleep during the day, sometimes I wanted to simply sleep forever, or simply go somewhere else, but where I should go? It is no place where to hide, it is no place where to go, everything is still here.

                But thanks to light I can’t deny what I see, thanks to light I can’t run away, but thanks to light I can’t ignore what we as mankind are doing to each other.

                It is not acceptable to continue this way. Simply, it is not acceptable. Mankind has to awake from the dream which mankind is living – and this dream is called – MIND.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as fear to see what is going on here on this planet and what we as humanity is collectively accepting and allowing to live I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as point of fear to see that I am responsible for that what is here and that I am part of this all and that I am part of mankind and thus it is my responsibility to awake myself from the mind and help and support others to awake to stop torturing the life and abusing the life thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not want to take responsibility to show others what has been allowed and accepted and just rather remain hidden in the darkness of myself where I do not have to see what is going on here and how we as humanity are blind to each other and deaf to each other as we live each one of us in own self created bubble of our minds full of deception, lies, manipulation made of ideas and believes about ourselves and thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create for myself ideas and believes about me and life to do not have to see and realize what I am living and what I am accepting towards myself and towards others where I lived as ego as separated entity within and as my mind ignoring the most prominent fact here which is that life has been hijacked, that life has been abused by man to utmost degree possible and that I am responsible to show and reveal everything what has been done to awake myself and others to stop this madness which we are living here on earth.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 16 : Manipulation – Extreme self deception

                I liked to manipulate. I loved it. I desired it. I became it. I separated from others, like all my being, the desire to manipulate and prove to myself that I am capable of.

                Use everything which I could. No shame and regret. No guilt and no sorrow. Directly, aware what I am doing. Aware of my words are fake and aware that my actions are just for sake of manipulation.

                This desire to manipulate and this believe that I can manipulate matter, I fucked myself for quite some time with this, because I manipulated myself actually into such believe and from believe the desire has been born and within this I fucked myself extensively.

                From this desire and believe, I created within me the perception that I am more than others and more than matter, thus I just accumulated fuck ups within me about me.

                I lived it. Matter showed me. I have no power over matter in anyway whatsoever. It can’t be. Mater is consistent and constant here, I am not. So who is fucked? It is not matter.

                I stop. I stop manipulate myself. I stop and I stand up, I will not allow myself to manipulate myself. I do not allow. I do not allow my words be spoken in sake of manipulation.

                I do not allow my actions in sake of manipulation. I can stop it and I stopped. I proved this to me. No matter how big this desire was, I see it within me and what I created. To myself.

                My words are not spoken and will be not, in intensions to manipulate. It is simple, so simple.

                Decide, and live it. This is simplicity of direction. Make decision, live decision.

                Maybe I will find about myself points where I would like to manipulate which I am not aware, I get rid of them and I stop. This is my commitment to myself for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate myself through separation myself from myself into a believe that I can manipulate matter and from this create the desire to manipulate matter and others and thus create the perception that I am more than others and get energy from this perception and blind myself with this believe so extensively that I became this desire and lived this desire thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became the desire of the mind instead of realizing that I am nothing of this.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 6 : Eyes – I am separated

                 The world I see through my physical eyes, gives me perception of world and myself that I am separated from everything and everyone and this seems to be very valid, very trustworthy, and definitely very acceptable point of view of myself and the world without.

                Someone in my world, had to tell me what I should see, how I should interpret that what I see, and which names I should put on things I see accordingly, to fit into society and into a system and do not step out from accepted facts by majority about the world and system by itself.

                You are unique, you are individual, you are the only one very special, no one is like you, those words I heard many times and the eyes gives me the perception and validate those to such extent, that I became those words and I became living entity as separated from everything and everyone.

                To make the fuckup really perfect and hit the nail, I separated from my body through the words I heard within my head in absolute trust that those words are me and that I am those words and thus I started to live in my head and reactions, back chats within my mind, and mind delivers me on golden plate those words, very likely to make sure that I will remain in accepted prison of myself – in the head as words popping in the mind.

                I realized, that eyes deceive me, the pictures I see and how I learned to interpret them and what value I gave into a pictures and what meaning I connected to them, have perfect ability to deceive me in absolutely professional manner, just through my acceptance.

                Are the things the way I perceive? Are those pictures everything I can see? Am I separated just only because I see things that way and accept that way? Am I living in a reality or In my mind? Is the reality picture based?

                No, I just learned to interpret reality as pictures. And extensively judge.

                But let’s have a look on words, what words one speak carry, what is the meaning and what Is the point one is speaking about. What is behind those words and why one speaks those words?

 Is interesting to see through the words and through the picture one present, as to look at the words gives one ability to be no more deceived.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my physical eyes to such extent, that from this trust I created within me believe that I am separated from everything and everyone I can see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my physical eyes as perception that what I can see is separated from me and through this validate myself as ego and as separated entity from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to put different value to different pictures and different colors I can see through my eyes and from this value derive likeness or not likeness of that what I see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I see reality as pictures separated from me, that thanks to this acceptance I can manipulate and abuse reality according my will and desires and needs.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire and want that what is here to function according my needs/wants/and projections instead of realizing that through this I am living as the mind in separation from myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from myself and from what is here through my physical eyes in believing that because I see reality as pictures thus I have to be separated.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate from my body through the voice I hear in my head and gave value and attention to this words and think and believe I am those words.

I commit myself to investigate the values I placed into each and single one picture I can see and investigate the energy creation through this pictures and my living as energy.

Thanks, Juraj

Deception of love – I killed flower for you

                Some years ago, when I wanted show love towards a girl, I bought a flower and said to a girl, that – “I am giving you this from my heart, it is the mark of my love”

                In my country this is very common to buy flowers to women as a sign that male care, notice, or love a woman.

                But what is behind such common act as a buy a flower, and give to a woman?  Many starting points could be written but mostly hidden manipulation, deception and abuse.

                But, in this act, man is actually saying: I killed a flower and I am giving to you a flower which is dying in my hands as a sign that I do not care life, as a sign that my ego is so big that I really do not care for life, and I will kill as many flowers as possible to manipulate you to like me, to adore me, and love as I love you, and we will remain in this deception of love, which we call it, but actually it is just our energy play out and have nothing to do with real love, because we do not care for life.

                Is love to kill life, innocent life just to bring a picture in front of eyes a persona we would like to manipulate and mainly because we would like to fuck this persona ?

                Isn’t this a great perversion towards a life?

Thanks, Juraj