Day 119 : I am male EGO – Woman can’t pay for me

                Several times, I experienced within moments when woman paid for myself in the restaurant, or at coffee bar, nervousness, the perception that I am a male and I should not allow woman to pay came almost always to my mind.

                I felt always uncomfortable, and I had problems to accept the point that woman paid, as the perception, believe and idea that I as a male should show woman that I have money, that I am able to pay, that I must pay for woman, especially for the one I would like to be with, date with, be in relationship with.

                If I had money to pay, I always wanted to be the one who pay, and show that I can, and if woman wanted to pay I felt bad about myself, as perception that I can’t accept that, that I am the one who have to pay, as believe that me as male should always be the one who show money, thus my self definitions and my self brainwashing within and as money and woman became clear.

                Or that I as a male, when became short of money, that it is unacceptable to speak true that I have no money in front of woman, or that I am less if I am short of money, or that the way how woman will look on me will change if I will say true that I have no money.

                The brainwashing of myself, in front of woman, and different attitude to those which I would like to be with, almost ruined me from certain perspective, and finally I had to come out with true, that I am without money. After this, the perception, believe come up, that me as a male is less than, if I run out of money, because if I would take responsibility for myself thus this would never happen.

                What this showed me, is quite interesting, also the perception and idea that thus I came out of money, thus I have no “right” to ask a woman to be with me, because if I am without money, thus I am not worthy, or that she do not want to be with me, as how she could if I am not with money.

                The perception, idea and believe that girls look on money and scan a male through a money as potential partner became part of me, as this I saw uncountable many times. As per saying – No money – no love. And by paradox, I do not wanted to buy love of the woman, but show myself in a light of a male with money, even when I was short of and I really couldn’t afford to pay anything, I was dishonest with me many times and rather paid that what I couldn’t afford, just to do not have to say I can’t.

                The brainwashing of myself, when woman supported me with money, and the experience that I am less than, unworthy or not interesting came up, and idea, believe, perception and guessing how she perceive myself now, if I placed myself into such situation.

                My self definitions as a male, towards the money and a woman, became quite simple, as perception that I have always show that I have money, even when I was in bad situation, by paradox I went to that bad situation just because I was dishonest with myself, and spent money the way I couldn’t afford.

                And everything what was just required, was just my own self honesty, within many different situations in front of women.

                It is so simple, just be self honest. That’s all.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to show woman that I have money and that through this I will be interesting for her, that I have to always pay and that I have to act the way to do not show that I am short of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say to woman that I am short of money, that I will not be interesting for the and that she would like not want to be with me, speak with me, be in my presence.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t accept that woman will pay for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say that I do not have money, that I am unworthy in the eyes of woman.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself through money as a male as a male EGO where I thought and believe that me as male have to show that I am able to get money for everything what is necessary and if not thus I am less than others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to compare myself with other males and the amount of money I have and they and through this see myself and compare and define myself as less than if I compared myself with those ones which have more money than me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be in relationship with girl only when I will show her that I have money and that she will accept me only if I will show that I have money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept myself as human being but instead define myself and my life through money I have or I do not have.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define relationship between male and female through money and that I as a male have to make sure money are maintained.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not such good as others if I do not have money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to feel bad about myself and experience myself in resistance, rejection and resistance when woman paid for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to feel negative energy as self definition of not being good enough if female supported me with money, paid for myself or bought something for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept the equality within using of money between male and female.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act in front of myself in self dishonesty in using of money in front of woman I was interested in for possible relationship.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be dishonest with me in using of money, and do not consider practical point with using of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that self dishonesty with using of money is ok.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and do not accept money just as a tool within the system for practical points, how I can support myself and others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself as being bad or unworthy if I ran out of money, instead of see and realize that everything what was required for myself was just be self honest within and as me with using of money, no matter what moment, point, or person I am facing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that girls always scan male through amount of money male have and thus through this decide about male as possible partner or not.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge women as those ones which looks on male only through money, instead of see and realize that it was me who was looking on myself through money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see my through money and amount of money I have or do not have, and within this participate in mind design of more than and less than and follow the mind design of superiority and inferiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fuck up myself with money and define myself just because of papers with colors on and through coins, instead of see practicality of money within system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I have no money thus I have no right to want to be with woman in relationship, or to be in presence of woman, because of self judgment of not being good enough or not being worthy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not take responsibility for myself and for money I earn ,get, and act with money in self dishonest way and thus create for myself and others consequences which could be easily stopped, instead of see and realize that I can’t put my life into emergency or life of others because of not wanting take self responsibility for money, that I have accept myself as myself and use it the way to support myself and others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create not necessary consequences with using of money in self dishonest way, because of not wanting take self responsibility and see and realize what money really is within system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see life through money, define life through money and thus enslave life into and as illusion of money.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 83 : Relationships - Me as knowledge EGO

                I know, I know, I know. This is me because I know. I get the information of this world, from this world, and I defined myself accordingly, I shaped myself to this knowledge, of this knowledge, and I became the EGO as knowledge, because I know.

                You can’t be cleverer because I know. You can’t be wiser because I know. You are blind and you are deaf. You can’t see and understand a shit, as you are not even aware everything you are is just illusion.

                You’re not real, you do not exist, and everything you exist as, and consist of, is just memory, knowledge, shaped, molded, be me, by information as formations I created within and as you, and you are not even aware how this formations are created, you do not see how I use you and abuse you by this words you red, heard, saw.

                You do not realize, that who you are, are just connections between this words, but you are not real. You can’t be. Me, as your mind, I am not real neither. I influenced you to such degree, that you even do not see you are under my control and my command.

                I directed you all your life, do you see it? I commanded you, and all your falls in your life are because of me. Because you believed that what I showed you, what I thought to you, is you. It was not.

                When you experienced yourself? How you experienced yourself? You see, those moments you can count easily, everything else, is me, the program which runs within you, the program you absorbed to your body, even the way how you move, is programmed.

                You allowed me to do this with you, it was you who gave me the highest permission in your life, to direct you and use your power, your life source, your essence, your beingness to empower me.

                It was you who brought me to your life, it was you, only you. And you and me, we are the one, deal with that.

                What you will do with that?

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself, shape and mold according knowledge I absorbed into my body, to separate myself from this knowledge and thus create relationships of this knowledge and thus became the EGO as self definition towards and as information and knowledge I was able to absorb into me, and thus move, speak, and express myself according formations of words, as connections and relationships within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave importance to the knowledge of this world and from this world, and thus define myself as EGO, as energy moving within and as me according knowledge I got, and thus shape myself and define myself as more than those who know less, and compare myself with those who know less, to be able to create from myself the more than who I really am, in perception and idea that I need, require and want to be more, that I have to be more than those who know less, instead of see and realize that everything I became is just knowledge and information of this world I absorbed into me, and thus create within me the connections, relationships, and store within and as me as memories of my past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that knowledge is that what gives my power, security and ability to live on this planet, instead of see and realize that in fact I became the slave of this knowledge and enslaved to this knowledge as I accepted to myself to be directed by this knowledge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that more knowledge I absorb thus I am more than others, who do not know a shit, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and self imprisonment as self definition and self limitation to this knowledge as formations created within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and the way of my expression, the way of my speech, my voice tonalities, my movements, my living according knowledge and information I got of and from this world, instead of see and realize that mind knows, but self as who I really am see, thus I do not need to know anything, as I see.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to impose on others my knowledge and information as secret attempt to take them down, to show them how stupid they are, to reveal that they do not know a shit and do not understand a shit, as an attempt to make from myself more, not seeing and realizing that within this I became the slave of the mind, the slave of information I got of this world, and that within this I participated on superiority / inferiority design, and thus support the system of abuse, manipulation and self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to make from myself more through information and knowledge splashed on others as an attempt of EGO to win, to show and reveal others that they are losers because they do not know a shit and realize a shit, instead of see myself within this, and see that I participated on polarity game as winner / loser and thus tried to make from myself the one who win, and from others those who lose, as attempt to be the one who get the most energy through winning and those who lose thus they lose they energy, they confidence, they self value.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to tried to value myself through information and knowledge of this world, instead of value myself as life, as equality as life, as breath here, within each breath I take, within each moment I am here, and thus be great full to me and to others

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself through information and knowledge I got of this world, and try to look on things, instead of see clearly and directly what is really here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to see me, because I got power to my mind to direct me because of knowledge I got from this world, instead of be here within and as each breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to use knowledge secretly as manipulation to maintain my balance and thus show others that they can’t drop me down.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be dropped down by others, instead of see and realize that this is because of separation and fear of myself, thus I am here, I stand here, I walk here, I live here, where my body is I am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 78 : Relationships – Sex and love as EGO

                Interestingly, these two points, the sex as sexual energy, and love as positive energetic feeling, used to stand together or separated within me, according situations I was facing, mainly the “type” of the girl I dated with.

                More interesting within this two points is, that those points stand as cover of fear, anxiety, anger, as self definitions as EGO, as energy movement I defined into and as, and thus my addiction on living in and as energy entity within my body.

                I used to believe, that sex goes hand in hand with love, and that sex should be performed when I feel love towards other being. Thus, it means , that within this believe I believed – That first I have to fucked myself with feeling of love, which means to fall and blind myself, and then I can have sex with a girl, which means to fuck myself even more, into and as believe of energy experience of orgasm, in absolute blindness of myself, that as first the love point stand for the fear I accepted within me because I separated from the girl I dated with and thus created the perception and ideas about losing her thus fear of lose.

                Within this, as I was already fucked with design of love and fear as energies within me, as my EGO as my definition as who I am as mind as system, thus I had sex with a girl, in perception and believe how amazing this sex is, energy within me, how cool it is to be excited, and desire those girl, again in total lost-ness of myself within ideas, believes, perceptions, and not seeing how much I am harming myself with such acceptances, and what I am creating as consequences for myself and for other being.

                Therefore, what was my ideas and believes about relationship with a girl, was fuck ups over fuck ups over fuck ups, interestingly, in believe how cool it is, how I decided this all, and not seeing that I was just fucking slave of the mind, fucking addict of energy totally enslaved within and as me, desiring even from my mind to fuck me more.

                It is not worthy. It is not worthy to accept such abuse of me, It was not and it is not and never will be. Abuse will still be abuse, and I do not accept it. Simply no.

                I am here, and I am more than just mind, I am more than just illusions of myself, and I am not saying this as superiority design within and as mind, no. I am saying that me, as life, as being, as human, that I am worthy more than to just abdicate myself into and as mind and follow the script and program I accepted for myself to live accordingly in my past.

                I am not the Ego as energies moving rampantly within me, as I am able to stop those energies, release myself from those energies and believes, thus I am not that. I can’t be, as I am still here.

                Nothing happened to me, I do not diminished, I do not depleted, I do not ceased to exist, but many my ideas and believes did, so what is real?

                Just this body, just this flesh, just physical. Only that is real. Everything and anything within and as head, is illusion. Stop .

                Stop to live illusion, stop to deceive, stop to hide, stop to desire, stop to punish, and stop to live as a slave of the mind. It is not worthy.

                Everyone is more than that, each one of us, is more and worthy more, than just to live as a fucking slave of thoughts.

                Life should be free, and not enslaved into and as illusions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love and sex should goes together within relationship, and that I have to love the girl as energy feeling within me towards a girl as my self delusion of this energy, and that than I can have sex with her again in believe that this energy as sexual build up within me is real experience of me as sex, not seeing and realizing that it was never real sex, but just abdication of myself into and as mind as system as program of energy movements within me to sustain the mind and replenish and rejuvenate the mind, because of this believe in such energies which became even stronger and stronger and thus the abdicating myself into mind more and more acceptable.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to constantly and continuously search for validation of my energy experiences in others in believes that because others also experience something as energy and they believe in it, thus it have to be real experience of me as well.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive that if I am in relationship, or that if I experience the energy feeling of love towards other being, or that if I have sex with female, that I won, that I am the winner, instead of see and realize that the relationship is deception of myself as accepted separation, that sex as energy experience is just boosting my mind, that love as energy experience is my fall and abdication of myself into and as mind, that I do not won anything by this, but mind won, instead of see and realize I accepted and allowed to myself to participate on win/lose polarity as EGO, on energy experiences as believes that those experiences are real, and I stop. I see and realize for myself the play-out of the energy fluctuations within my mind, between points as love, sex, win/lose as EGO, I take self responsibility for myself and I do not accept and allow to myself to be directed by such experiences, and I commit to myself to remain here with and as the physical,as my breath, any moment I will see that my mind attempts to manipulate myself to fall into such believes , ideas, experiences, thus I stop.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to never question each and any single energy movement within me and investigate immediately what it is, what is taking over me and trying to direct me, instead of seeing and realizing that I was not aware of possibilities of stopping of the mind, and becoming the free as life as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that only love as energy is worthy to live for, not seeing and realizing for myself that this love is simply fear because energy as love is possible only if I am separated from myself and from others, and thus through this giving the permission to my mind to trap me and enslave me because of energy feeling as love and fear at once and do not see and realize how much I am abusing myself and others just because of this energies, acceptances and believes within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself as ego as energy movements within me and create the likeness or dislikes towards this energies in separation of myself and thus judge those energies, and be separated from energies within me, instead of see and realize that separation is illusion of the mind, that separation is abdicating self responsibility for self as for all in oneness and equality of self.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that separation is real, instead of see and realize that this is perception of the mind as how mind is designed as a system running on and as physical and destroying physical as a parasite in getting the energy, and thus I became the parasite of the physical, because of believe and ideas of existence of the mind, not see and realize that anything of the mind is simply my self delusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as mind, where I created the ideas and believes through about myself, as who I could possibly be, or what I am possibly, not seeing and realize that I am already here as I always was, as physical, as breath as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot who I am in equality and oneness of life as all what exist as what is here.

               

Thanks, Juraj