Day 78 : Relationships – Sex and love as EGO

                Interestingly, these two points, the sex as sexual energy, and love as positive energetic feeling, used to stand together or separated within me, according situations I was facing, mainly the “type” of the girl I dated with.

                More interesting within this two points is, that those points stand as cover of fear, anxiety, anger, as self definitions as EGO, as energy movement I defined into and as, and thus my addiction on living in and as energy entity within my body.

                I used to believe, that sex goes hand in hand with love, and that sex should be performed when I feel love towards other being. Thus, it means , that within this believe I believed – That first I have to fucked myself with feeling of love, which means to fall and blind myself, and then I can have sex with a girl, which means to fuck myself even more, into and as believe of energy experience of orgasm, in absolute blindness of myself, that as first the love point stand for the fear I accepted within me because I separated from the girl I dated with and thus created the perception and ideas about losing her thus fear of lose.

                Within this, as I was already fucked with design of love and fear as energies within me, as my EGO as my definition as who I am as mind as system, thus I had sex with a girl, in perception and believe how amazing this sex is, energy within me, how cool it is to be excited, and desire those girl, again in total lost-ness of myself within ideas, believes, perceptions, and not seeing how much I am harming myself with such acceptances, and what I am creating as consequences for myself and for other being.

                Therefore, what was my ideas and believes about relationship with a girl, was fuck ups over fuck ups over fuck ups, interestingly, in believe how cool it is, how I decided this all, and not seeing that I was just fucking slave of the mind, fucking addict of energy totally enslaved within and as me, desiring even from my mind to fuck me more.

                It is not worthy. It is not worthy to accept such abuse of me, It was not and it is not and never will be. Abuse will still be abuse, and I do not accept it. Simply no.

                I am here, and I am more than just mind, I am more than just illusions of myself, and I am not saying this as superiority design within and as mind, no. I am saying that me, as life, as being, as human, that I am worthy more than to just abdicate myself into and as mind and follow the script and program I accepted for myself to live accordingly in my past.

                I am not the Ego as energies moving rampantly within me, as I am able to stop those energies, release myself from those energies and believes, thus I am not that. I can’t be, as I am still here.

                Nothing happened to me, I do not diminished, I do not depleted, I do not ceased to exist, but many my ideas and believes did, so what is real?

                Just this body, just this flesh, just physical. Only that is real. Everything and anything within and as head, is illusion. Stop .

                Stop to live illusion, stop to deceive, stop to hide, stop to desire, stop to punish, and stop to live as a slave of the mind. It is not worthy.

                Everyone is more than that, each one of us, is more and worthy more, than just to live as a fucking slave of thoughts.

                Life should be free, and not enslaved into and as illusions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love and sex should goes together within relationship, and that I have to love the girl as energy feeling within me towards a girl as my self delusion of this energy, and that than I can have sex with her again in believe that this energy as sexual build up within me is real experience of me as sex, not seeing and realizing that it was never real sex, but just abdication of myself into and as mind as system as program of energy movements within me to sustain the mind and replenish and rejuvenate the mind, because of this believe in such energies which became even stronger and stronger and thus the abdicating myself into mind more and more acceptable.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to constantly and continuously search for validation of my energy experiences in others in believes that because others also experience something as energy and they believe in it, thus it have to be real experience of me as well.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive that if I am in relationship, or that if I experience the energy feeling of love towards other being, or that if I have sex with female, that I won, that I am the winner, instead of see and realize that the relationship is deception of myself as accepted separation, that sex as energy experience is just boosting my mind, that love as energy experience is my fall and abdication of myself into and as mind, that I do not won anything by this, but mind won, instead of see and realize I accepted and allowed to myself to participate on win/lose polarity as EGO, on energy experiences as believes that those experiences are real, and I stop. I see and realize for myself the play-out of the energy fluctuations within my mind, between points as love, sex, win/lose as EGO, I take self responsibility for myself and I do not accept and allow to myself to be directed by such experiences, and I commit to myself to remain here with and as the physical,as my breath, any moment I will see that my mind attempts to manipulate myself to fall into such believes , ideas, experiences, thus I stop.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to never question each and any single energy movement within me and investigate immediately what it is, what is taking over me and trying to direct me, instead of seeing and realizing that I was not aware of possibilities of stopping of the mind, and becoming the free as life as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that only love as energy is worthy to live for, not seeing and realizing for myself that this love is simply fear because energy as love is possible only if I am separated from myself and from others, and thus through this giving the permission to my mind to trap me and enslave me because of energy feeling as love and fear at once and do not see and realize how much I am abusing myself and others just because of this energies, acceptances and believes within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself as ego as energy movements within me and create the likeness or dislikes towards this energies in separation of myself and thus judge those energies, and be separated from energies within me, instead of see and realize that separation is illusion of the mind, that separation is abdicating self responsibility for self as for all in oneness and equality of self.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that separation is real, instead of see and realize that this is perception of the mind as how mind is designed as a system running on and as physical and destroying physical as a parasite in getting the energy, and thus I became the parasite of the physical, because of believe and ideas of existence of the mind, not see and realize that anything of the mind is simply my self delusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as mind, where I created the ideas and believes through about myself, as who I could possibly be, or what I am possibly, not seeing and realize that I am already here as I always was, as physical, as breath as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot who I am in equality and oneness of life as all what exist as what is here.

               

Thanks, Juraj

Day 74 : Relationships and lies – sorrow of lost illusion

                Years ago, I started to chat with a girl, about common stuff people live, but as she had a boyfriend I considered her just as a friend, but overtime of our writings, I created within me the likeness towards her, as she as a girl was perfect match of my likeness of girl from perspective of picture, body, face.

                The stuff we wrote to each other, was extensive, about 3000 e-mails, I became completely lost within my mind, the projections, ideas, believes I created within me, with her, life with her, was so extensive that I became just a living zombie and like completely detached from reality, just existing in my mind, in this perception of love towards her and in believes that her words was true.

                I was not aware that time that I lied to her with each word I said or wrote her, and also not aware that she did the same to me. The love we promises to each other, and desire to fulfill this love, never took place, as it was impossible, as she had boyfriend and everything she wrote about braking that relationship and be with me was simply a lie, but I didn’t wanted to see it, as the lies was that what I wanted to hear.

                After some period, the everything positive within me towards her turned into frustration, sorrow, disappointment, as the reality do not matched the words we changed with each other, and I wanted and desired that words and projection and ideas to be real, to became reality, but simply, lies can not turned into something which Is real, as lies will remain just lies.

                When I came to breaking point with her and stop that bullshit I allowed to live and speak, I realized that time that everything I said to her was just a lie. My self delusion towards her, simply, I lived completely and entirely lost in love construct towards her and as this was my direction thus obviously the energy experiences within me was so extensive, that when I kissed her just once I was like drunken, and that time I was surprised, how come that I experience this, and questions start to emerge but as I was lost in mind I ignored them.

                The breaking point of stopping that relationship was because of me not able to continue such way, in such friction within me between experience of energy as love, ideas, believes, desires, sex, and the frustration, disappointment and sorrow when I saw that the world within my mind and without simply do not match in anyway what so ever. Just in few moments when yes, but it was just fragments.

                When this breaking point came, I experienced within me extensive sorrow, extensive disappointment, from her and from me, that I allowed to me to deceive me such way, to believe and to present such extensive amount of lies, and the face that I lost my illusion of the life with her, and the sorrow of losing my illusion was quite huge.

                It is interesting, that I experienced sorrow because of lost lies and lost illusions, as that was what I believed, thus it was like losing me, as I became the living lie of me, thus losing the lies of me and seeing what I accepted and allowed towards me was not nice picture, and within this, I was simply pushed to stop the illusion within my mind about me and her, and thus became again living in and as reality as what is here, as where is my body and where I really am.

                It took long period of time to recover from that illusion, as the intensity of believing of such illusions was really huge.

                I lived a lie towards girls, and what I wanted to hear was a lies, and what I became was living lie. And thus the lies of me and my self delusions was my direction.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want and desire to hear lies spoken by girls and focus only on those words which validate this desire and need and want to hear lies and ignore actually reality as physical and what is really going on here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to hear the words as “ I love you” and “ I like you “ or “ I want to be with you” as I created and connected the idea and believe within me that those words are reflecting love of other being towards me, instead of see and realize that it was my self deception and abuse of other to manipulate them to speak those words.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to speak words as I love you, I like you, I want to be with you as manipulation and deception in front of me and in front of other to manipulated them to speak exactly those word to me back as I created and connected within me the idea and believe that if those words I speak and hear thus it have to be validation of my love towards other being and validation of love towards me, not seeing and realizing that it was just my self deception based on energy feelings accepted and created within me, not seeing and realizing that it had nothing to do with real love which is equality, where all parts of self are considered equally, as physical, as life as breath here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be manipulated with the words of likeness towards me as I accepted and allowed to manipulate others with words as I like you, I want to be with you, you are such a nice person, I feel fine in presence of you, instead of seeing and realizing that all of this was my self deception created, accepted and allowed based on ideas, believes and projection what love should be, what love can be, and what likeness can be, instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, the manipulation of myself in separation from myself, and that it was me deceiving me into accepting and living the illusion of the mind as idea and projection what love can possibly be as I perceived the love as energetic feeling within me as likeness created towards other human being as a girl and thus judge the feeling of love as positive and exist within and as mind judgment of word love as positive, in judgment of energetic feeling of love as positive, in perception of this feeling as positive and thus desire, want and require to experience such energetic feeling, as this allowed me to cover all my fears, anxieties, sorrows I accepted and allowed towards me as self as life, cover all deception of me, to cover all abuse I accepted and allowed towards me, and not seeing and realizing for myself that I abused life as me, that I raped life as me, that I dishonored life as me, that I used my body as a tool for getting the energy I wanted for myself, that I diminished the physical as what is real here to such extent, that I put value into a illusion of the mind and created the idea and believe that those illusions and energy experiences are real and think and believe that are real and thus that I want them and need them and want to follow them, instead of seeing and realizing that I accepted and allowed to myself to abuse physical as my body because I separated from physical as my body, that I dishonored my body just for the sake of getting the energy I wanted for myself as energy addict as zombie living in fear of myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing for myself that I raped the physical each possible way just for getting the energy for myself and that I destroyed the physical each way possible just for the sake of wanting and desiring to make the illusion of the mind as thoughts, and energy experiences real, as I thought and believed that it is real and therefore I accepted and allowed to think and believe myself that I can do this with the physical, that it is my right to abuse physical such way, that it is me having power over the physical as my body, not seeing and realizing that in fact, I was abusing me, raping me, killing me, destroying me, fighting with me, trying to overpower me as physical with just illusions of the mind as thoughts, ideas and believes in perception that it is my choice, my will, that it is me who decide, not seeing and realizing that it was the mind, as programmed system within and as me, infused and integrated with my flesh, my physical body, where I accepted and allowed to be directed with illusion of the mind, and everything done just for this energy illusions and experiences within me I believed are real experiences of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to rape myself, to abuse myself, to destroy, kill and use myself as my body as a tool as a puppet in believes that I can do so, that it is my right to do so, and that I can do so, and took for granted my body and thus take for granted everything which physical exist as and consist of, in thinking and believing that it is my right to do so, that because I am in my body in the mind that I can accepted and allow to abuse and rape the physical, not seeing and realizing the consequences of my acceptances, not seeing and realizing that I tried to made from illusion more than actual flesh, as my body, as physical as I separated myself from my body and thus turned into a illusions and deception of me, about me, as who I can possible be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here as my body, that I am here as my breath, that I am here as everything which my body exist as and consist of in equality and oneness as who I really am as life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 48 : Girls and Inferiority – Me as Energy Zombie – part 2

                 When I felt within me the energy towards a girl, I thought that I am the one who have to prove to a girl, who I am as male, to show her who I am in front of her, and wait for her decision if she wants to be with me or not.  It was like, here I am in front of you, I am fallen in love towards you, and it is your mercy if you take me or not, it is your mercy if you would like to be with me or not.

                I placed myself as less than thus I perceived it as a mercy, I thought that it is a girl which should decide if she wants to be with me, not seeing who she is, not seeing what she live, not seeing what she believe and not carrying who she is, just for sake to be with her and fulfill my inner needs for this energy I created and allowed within me, as this energy I perceived as love.

                The friction and fear that she will possibly reject me, the fear that she will not like me, the fear that girl I stand in front will let me be and thus I will remain alone with my love towards her. Love goes hand in hand with fear, and nothing of that is real, as love as energy equal fear, constant fear of being rejected and left alone, not seeing myself within this and my value, not seeing myself in this play out, just asking for mercy, praying for mercy to be together.

                First girl in my life, as I was around 8 years old, when I saw her, I became immediately “drunken” by the picture of her, my legs trembles in front of her, I am shy to speak with her, I started to hide immediately within me to not reveal and to not show what is going on. I couldn’t understand what it is I experience, a energy within me raised immediately and I just shake. I shake, my hands, my legs, I am unable to speech, I hardly move, I am uncertain. I feel the attraction towards this picture in front of me, I feel that this picture I like, the eyes and hairs I see, I am lost.

                When you notice me, I am shy, I am shy to look into your eyes because maybe you will see that I am lost already, I lost myself in the picture and the eyes which are looking on me. I lost myself through picture I see looking on me, I fear this picture looking on me, I fear this eyes and I tremble. The energy within and as me is immense, my heart beats, my pulse is rising, I am unstable. Why? Why this? How come I experience this? What it is? I do not know, I do not understand, uncertainty within and as me.

                I would like to tell you, I do not know what to tell you or how. I fear to speech. I know where you live. I am looking upon you when you look on me from the balcony you are. I am looking upon the balcony each time I pass around, I am looking upon if she will notice, when I see you look on me, or you notice me, I am pleased, the energy within me, the thoughts, I would like to be with you, just in your presence, maybe I can kiss you, maybe I can hold your hands, maybe you would like to be with me. I thinks I have to prove to you who I am, I am young boy thus I ran, I ran and I jump, the constructions around, I just jump to show you what I am capable of, I ran to show you how strong I am, I am like in zoo. Like the animal in zoo presenting to you who I am and what I am capable of, as I lost me in energy experience I feel towards you. I am blind already.

                I do not see who I am anymore here, I do not see myself anymore, as I look only on this energy, what I experience when I am noticed by you. I do not know a shit about you, I see only this picture and this eyes looking on me and I am pleased as I think and believe you like me, maybe.

                I want from you, to save me in my feeling, to say you like me, to say you would like to be with me, to save me from my own uncertainty, I am separated from you, I see you as more than me as I lost myself, I lost myself as who I am, but you are doing nothing, I desire to be with you, I desire you, your movements when I see you, I am amazed, your expression I am “drunken”, your hairs, so beautiful, so dark, you eyes, you have to dark eyes, this eyes when look on me, I am trembling just as I see you see me, I am nervous, I am sacrificing myself for you and your eyes I see, and the hope and the idea that you will probably like me is moving me towards you.

                Each time I see you, I desire you and at the same time I am shy and hidden, as I do not understand, that it is only energy I allowed within me, to ignite the hope, the idea about you and me, the projection of me and you, I see you as only one I would like to be with, I see you as the only woman from all women, as what I experience is only towards you, not realizing how I fucked myself in this.

                You allowed me to came to your home, we sit together and we speak, child speech, about school, and I count the stuff in your place, I want to make myself interesting, I want to show you that I am worthy your attention, as I lost attention towards me and I stop seeing me.

                Once, we stand in front of us, you speak something and you are rejecting me, I am young boy and I do not understand why you speak what you speak, why this, anger ignites within me, you laugh on me and I do not understand. The anger in me, I took you by shoulders and throw you on floor. I am shocked what I did, I am scared from myself, I regret what did and I regret that moment, as I see that I throw you away from me in anger, as anger, because you laugh on me.

                I stand upon you, and I speak to you – you deserved this because you laughed on me.  My ego, I acted as ego of me as male as the male which is strong and when ego is hit thus ego act, I acted towards you to show you who is stronger, who can throw you away, as I do not wanted to allow and accept that you rejected me.

                I regret what I did and I see no excuse within and as me, as I would like to excuse what I did, but I can’t , I feel guilt within me, that I throw away my love, the only girl I loved, the only girl I was looking upon, the only girl I wanted to life for, as I lost myself, as in anger and as anger I did this.

                I said to me, I will never ever allow myself to hit the girl, or throw girl away, or in any means hurt a girl, which I hold all my life. But as a ego, I wanted to be the one who is rejecting you, I couldn’t stand you are doing this to me, that is why I did it, I wanted to excuse it that you deserved it, but it was because of my ego, as I couldn’t handle that within moment of hearing such words, that it is real and what I hear from your mouth is true.

                I felt sorrow and I felt shame, guilt, I will not more be with my love, I will no more look into your eyes, I will be no more noticed by you.

                I pray for your forgiveness, I prey you to forgive me, but you are silent. I judge me, I judge myself but I pray, I sit and I pray. I lost myself as I do not get your forgiveness, I do not understand how come all of this happened, why I allowed all of this, what is going on within and as me, I desired you, to be in your presence, and everything went wrong way.

                I would like to fix it but I see it is impossible, and the years over years I keep you within and as me, I keep you inside me, I enslaved myself to this moment, to this regret and sorrow, to this pain inside me, as I never experienced such energy towards any girl and I was looking everywhere, you was the only one, thus the believe that I lost my love forever come to place, only fear remained within me, regret and sorrow, I asked you for forgiveness, but you remained silent. And your silence and your no answer tortured me, punished me, as I tortured myself and punished myself.

                I was 8 years old boy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experience, trembling, shaking, nervousness, anxiety and fear are real experiences and that I allowed to connect this experiences towards the picture presentation of a girl in front of me, towards the eyes and hairs, towards the face and when I noticed that I was noticed by this girl.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that what I experienced towards girl when I was eight that it was love towards her not seeing and not realizing that it is just energy experience and not real experience of me, and thus I do not realized that through this I allowed to lost myself within and as this energy experience through believe that this experience is me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be in presence of a girl when I was eight, to think and believe that I need to be in her presence to think and believe that I need and require to be noticed by her,  and because of this I allowed to enslave myself into and as energy experience of the mind, thinking and believe that this energy I require, think and believe that this energy is love, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me the opposite experience of this love as fear, as fear that I will lost this love and that I can love only you this way and think and believe that it is only you I can love in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to experience guilt, sorrow pain and shame when I thrown you away at floor and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pity myself for what I did, that I allowed and accepted to me to acted as a hurt ego of me as male, where my very inner desire, want and need was not fulfilled but hurt, thus I allowed and accepted within and as me anger towards you because I feat to be betrayed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want to show you who is stronger, to want to show you that I am male and that I can do it and that you are too weak to resist me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to harm you are a act of hurt ego where I separated myself from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pray you for forgiveness and pray you to save me from my regret and my sorrow, to pray to take me back as a very desire to be with you, as the energy experience I believed is experience of me, I perceived as love and thus believe that this love is real  ignited within and as me, where I lost myself and I separated myself from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to pray you to save me as I lost myself within and as energy I allowed and accepted within and as me thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to looking upon you and place you as more than me, and that I adored you and perceive and think and believe that you are more than me, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want and desire to show you as a male what I am capable of, that I desired from myself the make a point of your interest as I lost myself within energy I experienced within me, I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be noticed by you and desire to be touched by you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to believe that only you can save me, that nervousness, fear and anxiety I experienced within me are real experiences of me, not seeing and not realizing that it is energy experience of the mind I allowed myself to define myself into and think and believe that this energy is real and I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see you equal as me and see myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that you are the only one girl I will love ever, as the energy experience within and as me I believe is real love towards you, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel guilt, regret and sorrow when I hurt you as a act of ego, as a act of my dominance over you where I couldn’t stand and understand that you reject me and not like me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hurt you as a act of ego where my ego was hurt by your words and I felt betrayed by love I experienced within and as me and betrayed by you and thus ignite within and as me the anger towards you and within and as this anger to hurt you and through this I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to regret what I did, to judge myself for what I did, to torture myself and punish myself , that I hurt everything what I loved, not seeing and realizing that everything of this was energy play out within me as love-fear, ego as male dominance and energy as sorrow, regret, shame, guilt, nervousness, uncertainty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I am doomed forever as you didn’t forgive me that what I did, and thus I will have to pay forever for this very act and that I will have to remain in sorrow, pain and doom of me till the end of days.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to want and desire to be save by your forgiveness but torture myself because of you silence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hold myself into a picture of you, into a energy experience of likeness and perceived love towards you, towards the dark brown eyes of you, you dark long hairs and the picture I saw in front of me as energy experience towards this picture, and from this derive the fear, sadness, sorrow and nervousness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wait on you, to wait on your forgiveness and thus wait on myself and wait on me forgiving me what I have done and experienced within and as me, that I have allowed and accepted to lost me within and as energy experience in believe that it is real experience of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not live myself because of waiting on you and you forgiveness for that what I have done, not expressing myself here and not living myself here but waiting on a day when you will come and forgive me what I have done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as less than a woman because I hurt you and thus perceive myself as unworthy, because you rejected me and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have no value because I was rejected instead of realizing and seeing within and as me the energy payout which took place.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from myself in front of you because of very allowance and acceptance of energy and believe in this energy and thinking that this energy is love and that I need it to live and not seeing myself equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to adore you because of picture I perceived in front of me, to adore you because of your eyes and hairs and because of desire within and as me to be with you, instead of my being with me here, in and as my breath, equal and one to you and see you equal and one to me as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to adore you because you was the woman and I judged and perceived woman as the gender which should be taken gently, behave towards gently and thus judge myself because I hurt you.

Thanks, Juraj