Day 150 : People are unlimited idiots

                After specific scenario I faced with my flat mate, I experienced backchat as my mind telling towards people how people are idiots, specifically as the point of their blindness, as no actual understanding even what they speak, and this was because of point of anger and blame directed towards myself, by that persona.

                I had no reaction during conversation, just several periods after this back chat came up, and the seeing others as unlimited idiots, as they even are no able to communicate.

                Interestingly, because of one event, I thrown all people into one bag and marked them as idiots within my mind, because and by this I can stand separate by them and see them as stupid and myself not. Therefore polarity of superior and inferior came up, as those which do not understand what they became are seeing as less and thus myself as more, specifically those where lack of communication skills has been experienced and seen.

                Within this, I realized that I was exactly the same. I had no ability to communicate effectively, I was not able recognize what is going on within me, I didn’t understood why I said what I said, I had no clue what it is to direct myself and my words, and so, and by this, I see that I judged myself because of who I was in my past.

                This judgment is and as the point of not wanting to stand equal and one with those who direct towards myself their anger, their blame, their issues which they do not solved, and thus do not want to participate on anything with them.

                The point of this judgment also states, the perception of myself being tired to explain so called educated people the simplest points of behaviors, patterns and continuously explain even basic words and their meaning. In this judgment is merged point of seeing people which claim they are educated and have universities and claim their wisdom as absolute retards. As with this type of people I experienced most difficult conversations, because of the point of effective brainwashing which has been applied on them during studies, and simply I have no intentions to fight, but I saw people like to even during speech, and thus validate their ego, and I simply refuse.

                In this, I forgot I was exactly the same.

                The education which has been applied on each one of us, has been the theft of the true wisdom and replaced by lies and dogmas, thus each one of us simply needs to be re-educated, as the education system is abuse of each participant in such system, simply, because of lies being presented as true, thus submission and acceptance of students of such lies is inevitable if they want to live in and follow the system, as system is what each one of us became.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge others as unlimited idiots and absolute retards as the point of creating myself as superior and them as inferior and thus exist within and as mind design of superiority and inferiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge others as unlimited idiots and absolute retards as the point of separation from them and thus from myself and do not want to be involved into their issues they are facing and thus do not want to support them because of accepted and allowed creation of perception of myself being tired to explain over and over the same points to everyone.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge others as unlimited idiots and absolute retards as the point of separation from them because of perception and judgment of them as being perfectly brainwashed and by this forgot that I was exactly the same and thus I am able to assist and support them in issues they are facing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge others as unlimited idiots and absolute retards as a point of not wanting to stand equal and one with those which are directing towards myself their anger, blame and issues they experience, not seeing and realizing that what is going on within them I can support and assist them to see, realize and understood why such events are taking place.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge others as unlimited idiots and absolute retards as a point of my own anger towards myself and who I was in the past and why I became who I was and wanting to separate from the past.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge others as unlimited idiots and absolute retards as a platform to make from myself more and them to be less because they have no clue what they experience and by this wanting to be the one who is superior and thus have power over them, as I see and realize that have power over those in fear is simple, not seeing and realizing the real power is to stand equal and one with everyone and everything in and as breath and if possibility of assist and support is seen thus do so.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to separate from my past, and from the future, not seeing and realizing that this is impossible as the past do not exists and future is not created as only moment of here is real and only this one moment will exist and remain always.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that superiority and inferiority is not real, it is just design of the mind as make believe as what is real is in equality and oneness of physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to blame those in my past for that what they had done unto me, to blame them for such abuse, manipulation and lies directed towards myself, not seeing and realizing that blame and judgment is the point of separation from myself as others, not seeing and realizing that I became exactly the same as abuser, manipulator and liar and parasite of the life as parasite of physical, and thus it is my responsibility to assist and support everyone possible to stop such behavior and start to live as equals.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to participate on back chats of the mind and by this direct towards others my judgment as point of wanting to separate myself from them and do not want to stand equal and one with them and thus with myself.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 74 : Relationships and lies – sorrow of lost illusion

                Years ago, I started to chat with a girl, about common stuff people live, but as she had a boyfriend I considered her just as a friend, but overtime of our writings, I created within me the likeness towards her, as she as a girl was perfect match of my likeness of girl from perspective of picture, body, face.

                The stuff we wrote to each other, was extensive, about 3000 e-mails, I became completely lost within my mind, the projections, ideas, believes I created within me, with her, life with her, was so extensive that I became just a living zombie and like completely detached from reality, just existing in my mind, in this perception of love towards her and in believes that her words was true.

                I was not aware that time that I lied to her with each word I said or wrote her, and also not aware that she did the same to me. The love we promises to each other, and desire to fulfill this love, never took place, as it was impossible, as she had boyfriend and everything she wrote about braking that relationship and be with me was simply a lie, but I didn’t wanted to see it, as the lies was that what I wanted to hear.

                After some period, the everything positive within me towards her turned into frustration, sorrow, disappointment, as the reality do not matched the words we changed with each other, and I wanted and desired that words and projection and ideas to be real, to became reality, but simply, lies can not turned into something which Is real, as lies will remain just lies.

                When I came to breaking point with her and stop that bullshit I allowed to live and speak, I realized that time that everything I said to her was just a lie. My self delusion towards her, simply, I lived completely and entirely lost in love construct towards her and as this was my direction thus obviously the energy experiences within me was so extensive, that when I kissed her just once I was like drunken, and that time I was surprised, how come that I experience this, and questions start to emerge but as I was lost in mind I ignored them.

                The breaking point of stopping that relationship was because of me not able to continue such way, in such friction within me between experience of energy as love, ideas, believes, desires, sex, and the frustration, disappointment and sorrow when I saw that the world within my mind and without simply do not match in anyway what so ever. Just in few moments when yes, but it was just fragments.

                When this breaking point came, I experienced within me extensive sorrow, extensive disappointment, from her and from me, that I allowed to me to deceive me such way, to believe and to present such extensive amount of lies, and the face that I lost my illusion of the life with her, and the sorrow of losing my illusion was quite huge.

                It is interesting, that I experienced sorrow because of lost lies and lost illusions, as that was what I believed, thus it was like losing me, as I became the living lie of me, thus losing the lies of me and seeing what I accepted and allowed towards me was not nice picture, and within this, I was simply pushed to stop the illusion within my mind about me and her, and thus became again living in and as reality as what is here, as where is my body and where I really am.

                It took long period of time to recover from that illusion, as the intensity of believing of such illusions was really huge.

                I lived a lie towards girls, and what I wanted to hear was a lies, and what I became was living lie. And thus the lies of me and my self delusions was my direction.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want and desire to hear lies spoken by girls and focus only on those words which validate this desire and need and want to hear lies and ignore actually reality as physical and what is really going on here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to hear the words as “ I love you” and “ I like you “ or “ I want to be with you” as I created and connected the idea and believe within me that those words are reflecting love of other being towards me, instead of see and realize that it was my self deception and abuse of other to manipulate them to speak those words.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to speak words as I love you, I like you, I want to be with you as manipulation and deception in front of me and in front of other to manipulated them to speak exactly those word to me back as I created and connected within me the idea and believe that if those words I speak and hear thus it have to be validation of my love towards other being and validation of love towards me, not seeing and realizing that it was just my self deception based on energy feelings accepted and created within me, not seeing and realizing that it had nothing to do with real love which is equality, where all parts of self are considered equally, as physical, as life as breath here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be manipulated with the words of likeness towards me as I accepted and allowed to manipulate others with words as I like you, I want to be with you, you are such a nice person, I feel fine in presence of you, instead of seeing and realizing that all of this was my self deception created, accepted and allowed based on ideas, believes and projection what love should be, what love can be, and what likeness can be, instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, the manipulation of myself in separation from myself, and that it was me deceiving me into accepting and living the illusion of the mind as idea and projection what love can possibly be as I perceived the love as energetic feeling within me as likeness created towards other human being as a girl and thus judge the feeling of love as positive and exist within and as mind judgment of word love as positive, in judgment of energetic feeling of love as positive, in perception of this feeling as positive and thus desire, want and require to experience such energetic feeling, as this allowed me to cover all my fears, anxieties, sorrows I accepted and allowed towards me as self as life, cover all deception of me, to cover all abuse I accepted and allowed towards me, and not seeing and realizing for myself that I abused life as me, that I raped life as me, that I dishonored life as me, that I used my body as a tool for getting the energy I wanted for myself, that I diminished the physical as what is real here to such extent, that I put value into a illusion of the mind and created the idea and believe that those illusions and energy experiences are real and think and believe that are real and thus that I want them and need them and want to follow them, instead of seeing and realizing that I accepted and allowed to myself to abuse physical as my body because I separated from physical as my body, that I dishonored my body just for the sake of getting the energy I wanted for myself as energy addict as zombie living in fear of myself in separation from myself, not seeing and realizing for myself that I raped the physical each possible way just for getting the energy for myself and that I destroyed the physical each way possible just for the sake of wanting and desiring to make the illusion of the mind as thoughts, and energy experiences real, as I thought and believed that it is real and therefore I accepted and allowed to think and believe myself that I can do this with the physical, that it is my right to abuse physical such way, that it is me having power over the physical as my body, not seeing and realizing that in fact, I was abusing me, raping me, killing me, destroying me, fighting with me, trying to overpower me as physical with just illusions of the mind as thoughts, ideas and believes in perception that it is my choice, my will, that it is me who decide, not seeing and realizing that it was the mind, as programmed system within and as me, infused and integrated with my flesh, my physical body, where I accepted and allowed to be directed with illusion of the mind, and everything done just for this energy illusions and experiences within me I believed are real experiences of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to rape myself, to abuse myself, to destroy, kill and use myself as my body as a tool as a puppet in believes that I can do so, that it is my right to do so, and that I can do so, and took for granted my body and thus take for granted everything which physical exist as and consist of, in thinking and believing that it is my right to do so, that because I am in my body in the mind that I can accepted and allow to abuse and rape the physical, not seeing and realizing the consequences of my acceptances, not seeing and realizing that I tried to made from illusion more than actual flesh, as my body, as physical as I separated myself from my body and thus turned into a illusions and deception of me, about me, as who I can possible be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here as my body, that I am here as my breath, that I am here as everything which my body exist as and consist of in equality and oneness as who I really am as life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 57 : Fear of sexual expression

                When I became teenager and the sexual fantasies and projections became within me so unfulfilled, and when I started to date with first girl or start to have first sexual experiences, and then first sexual intercourse, I became a bit surprised, this is sex?

                My fantasies, and what sex could be, was a bit different then what was happening in reality, after first sex with a girl I became a bit surprised, as I expected something “mind blowing” but nothing like that happened, the energy experience was even worse than during masturbation.

                It was like, something is wrong here, maybe with me, maybe with the perception of sex and sexuality I imagined, as it was years and year of fantasies till I became “old” enough to have sex. And then, like disappointment took place. After some period it was better, but my fantasies was never fulfilled, as I had within me tons and tons of possibilities what I could do with a girl, but due to the various circumstances lot of fantasies I never did, as simply according rules, dogmas and perception within me, girl I was with and society thus was impossible to “make it real “. But to fulfill desires is anyway irrelevant, as it was always just only a desire, never real expression of me.

                From the time I first kissed a girl, this type of thoughts came up within me during all period of my sexual experiences with girls: Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body? …and many, many more.

                What is the point of all questions written above? Fear. Only one point why I asked those questions is simply fear. As sexuality was not understood at all within me, at sexuality within and as me was always based on imagination, projections, desires, fear, expectations and energy movement within me, thus I shaped myself accordingly and created myself as a reflections of such points, where physical sexual expression absolutely missed, always. I was never here, present as breathe as me, simply never. Everything I experienced with girls, was simply mind based, and therefore based on fear.

                I never expressed in front of any girl as who I am as sexual expression as me, as physical movement of myself, physical touch, simple never.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to express myself sexually, as sex of myself as sex of me as sex of my physical body as who I am as physical here, within and as breath, equal and one.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me projections, fantasies, expectations, desires, perception about sex and what sex could be, and what I should experience and how instead of being here within and as my breath and express myself as who I am as my physical body as sex as touch of the physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to touch myself in separation from myself, to fear to express myself as touch as a worry and fear what will girl in front of me think.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body and thus fear to express myself as touch here, as who I am as physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my expression as sex on the thoughts in and as my mind, to define myself with and towards the thoughts of fear within me as : “Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body?” where I allowed to be directed by fear and not seeing and realizing that through this I am living the mind and not myself as presence of me, as presence within and as moment which is here as breath, equal and one with my body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my movements with my hands, my legs, my body and the words I say in front of girl on fear, on fear in separation myself form myself, where I feared myself and not seeing and realizing that I expressed myself within and as fear of the mind and thus nothing of such expression was real expression of me, but just following the program of fear as energy as energy enslavement of myself into and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to dance with a girl in moment as a fear and worry what she will think about me, how she will react and what she will say and from this hide myself in fear in front of girl and hide myself into and as my mind, instead of being here within and as breath equal and one with my body and do not allow and accept to myself to be directed by the mind as fear of expressing myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to enslave myself within and as fear of the mind as projections, worries, thoughts, desires in separation myself form myself and thus hide myself in front of myself, hide and tremble in fear to express myself equal and one with me body, here in presence of me in and as my breath, as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore my body, to fear to experience my body as physical, to fear to be equal and one within and as breath with my body here, as a fear and worry to be ashamed, laughed when I express myself equal and one as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of myself as a fear of being ashamed and laughed when I express myself as sex, as sex as physical movements of myself, equal and one with my breath.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore who I am as sex as sexual expression of me as my physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself and my expression of sex as physical touch, movement of my body into and as a mind energy entity, where through projections, ideas, believes I allowed imagine what sex should be instead of expression myself as sex as sexual expression of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide and separate myself from my body through ideas, and believes about sex , projections and desires what sex should be, imagination of how I should experience sex or what this experiences should be, instead of expression myself equal and one with my physical body as sex, instead of expressing myself equal and one as movement and touch of my body here, equal with and as breath as who I am here.

Thanks, Juraj