Day 79 : Suppression of myself

                I pressured on me to do not expressed me within moments here because of accepted way of living by society and definition and ideas what this living is and thus fit into society. I pressured on me to do not express me because of existence in the mind, accepted living in the mind and not here.

                It was me who pressured on me to do not allow me to live here, because of inferiority I accepted to live towards my mind, through various believes about me or life, or people, how things works, many other points.

                But why? What I feared?  I feared to live me? I feared to accept me as life and accept me as expression of life as breath here? I pressed on me to do not express me because I am adult and thus adults behave certain way and thus adults can’t express specific points? What is this definition to be adult and why I allowed living according ideas and believing what it means to be adult? Is this therefore life or living when I just copied from grownups how they behave, how they speech and how they exist?

                Thus I submit myself into a order of the mind as a copy of that what I saw in my environment, in meaning, how people behave around me and thus I accepted to myself to be brainwashed by my own observations of that what I saw, as all I took into consideration was pictures, thoughts and emotions/feelings of other when I was in process of growing up, I never realized that times that behind this pictures is vast amount of fuck up of those I observed.

                Interestingly, thus I allowed to suppress me because of observed fucked way of living of others and their words and their believes, and I forgot to take into consideration me, to see me within those moments, I do not allowed to myself to express me as I was in process of coping fuck ups into myself and thus define myself according that, I allowed to take the shit of others into me and thus created and define myself accordingly.

                Anyway, it is completely irrelevant what others accept, what are they believes, what they fear and why, because I do not take shit of others anymore.

                I accept only equality and oneness, that’s the point which is relevant for me, as within this principle everything is considered, everything is took into attention, but not the shits, not the deception, not the lies as why should be? No reason exists for lies, for deception, for abuse, for manipulation, for the way of living people accepted to live, as it is just submission into a mind where mind is the dictator and human beings just the slaves of this dictatorship, and thus questions is, where is freedom?

                Where is the real freedom of humanity, of human beings, if they are not even able to see how they are controlled by the mind? Where is the free will, if the humanity is not able to see that the prison people lives are they submission of the mind? Where is this free will? Dosed this free will even exists within people? How this could exist, if people can’t see how much they brainwashed are just because of their own fears?

                Freedom does not exist and free will neither, until all systems die, free will as free life as expression can’t exist.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself within and as my mind, through acceptances and allowances of living in and as submission of the mind as a programmed behavioral patterns I observed through my eyes in my environment and thus think and believe that those patterns I observed is that what I should live and express, instead of see and realize that I within this I didn’t expressed myself as who I am here as breath but just copied patterns of others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to copy into my the patterns of speech, behavior, the way of movements and the way of expression from my father and from my mother, from my friends and from teachers, from adults as looking upon them as those who know more and lived more, instead of see and realize that everything I observed was programmed and served just for the purpose of programming myself into and as mind system as automated robot who just repeat patterns of movements, speech, expression and thus not living myself as expression of breath here, but just limited designed system by me of copy and duplicated expressions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot what I my real expression here as breath as life because of my accepted and allowed suppression of myself because of observed pattern around me within those grownups I was looking upon as I believed they know more and thus I should follow what they lived and what they expressed, not seeing and realize that by this I became just repeating program of myself, where I just wait suppressed within my body and gave power to my mind to initiate the patterns and programs as behaviors, speech, movements of myself, not  seeing and realizing that those patterns are ignited by thoughts of the mind and reactions as energy movements of the mind, and I am not the mind, I am here  as my physical body, as breath.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to pushed on myself and thus suppressed myself because of copied, observed behavior around me and thus think and believe that should move, speech, express myself accordingly, and thus create the ideas and believes about myself and thus limit myself and my self expression just into and as mind ideas, believes, projections of my as what, who I should be within moments I am here, instead of express myself as breath as my physical body here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to see me and express me within situations and moments I am facing and submit myself into and as patterns of copied movements, behaviors, ideas and believes about me, instead of express myself here as the breath.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to express myself here, as accepted and allowed suppression of me through ideas and believe about myself, about life, and what living should be, as copied behavior, movements and the way I move according those I observed within the reality.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to push through my own resistance of expressing myself here, and rather remain suppressed within and as my mind, as a protection mechanism of myself in believe that once I am suppressed and hidden thus I can’t be harmed.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to stand up within and as me and express myself as who I am here as breath, but rather remain enslaved in and as ideas and believe of the mind about me, about the movements, behaviors and speech of me, as how I should behave to do not create the friction, conflict because of fear of friction and fear of conflict, instead of see and realize that fear is just my own idea and believe about protection of myself, as everything I wanted thus protect myself, instead of stand up as me, as breath here and live me as equal to me, and equal to others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself because of idea and believe and fear that I can be harmed or punished and because of fear of conflict, instead of stand up each moment I am here, and face that what I need to face to bring equality and oneness into and as this world, as reflection of me as who I am as life, as what is possible as living example of breath and life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself because of perception of authority and that I am less than, instead of see and realize that I am never less and never more, I am as who I am as equal and one to myself as all.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself because of ideas and believe that within the existence are those who are more and those who are less, instead of see and realize that it was just my own fuck up accepted as idea by me as mind, and thus lived accordingly, instead of stand up and express myself as breath as equal to me, equal to my body, and equal to those I am facing within and as my world.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself as a point of waiting on something which could possibly allow me to give permission to express me, instead of stand up within and as me as breath, see and realize that it is me who is giving permission to me to express, to live, to be here, and not defined and suppressed within and as my mind, thus I am giving permission to me to express me in self honesty and live me no matter what.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 57 : Fear of sexual expression

                When I became teenager and the sexual fantasies and projections became within me so unfulfilled, and when I started to date with first girl or start to have first sexual experiences, and then first sexual intercourse, I became a bit surprised, this is sex?

                My fantasies, and what sex could be, was a bit different then what was happening in reality, after first sex with a girl I became a bit surprised, as I expected something “mind blowing” but nothing like that happened, the energy experience was even worse than during masturbation.

                It was like, something is wrong here, maybe with me, maybe with the perception of sex and sexuality I imagined, as it was years and year of fantasies till I became “old” enough to have sex. And then, like disappointment took place. After some period it was better, but my fantasies was never fulfilled, as I had within me tons and tons of possibilities what I could do with a girl, but due to the various circumstances lot of fantasies I never did, as simply according rules, dogmas and perception within me, girl I was with and society thus was impossible to “make it real “. But to fulfill desires is anyway irrelevant, as it was always just only a desire, never real expression of me.

                From the time I first kissed a girl, this type of thoughts came up within me during all period of my sexual experiences with girls: Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body? …and many, many more.

                What is the point of all questions written above? Fear. Only one point why I asked those questions is simply fear. As sexuality was not understood at all within me, at sexuality within and as me was always based on imagination, projections, desires, fear, expectations and energy movement within me, thus I shaped myself accordingly and created myself as a reflections of such points, where physical sexual expression absolutely missed, always. I was never here, present as breathe as me, simply never. Everything I experienced with girls, was simply mind based, and therefore based on fear.

                I never expressed in front of any girl as who I am as sexual expression as me, as physical movement of myself, physical touch, simple never.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to express myself sexually, as sex of myself as sex of me as sex of my physical body as who I am as physical here, within and as breath, equal and one.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me projections, fantasies, expectations, desires, perception about sex and what sex could be, and what I should experience and how instead of being here within and as my breath and express myself as who I am as my physical body as sex as touch of the physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to touch myself in separation from myself, to fear to express myself as touch as a worry and fear what will girl in front of me think.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body and thus fear to express myself as touch here, as who I am as physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my expression as sex on the thoughts in and as my mind, to define myself with and towards the thoughts of fear within me as : “Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body?” where I allowed to be directed by fear and not seeing and realizing that through this I am living the mind and not myself as presence of me, as presence within and as moment which is here as breath, equal and one with my body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my movements with my hands, my legs, my body and the words I say in front of girl on fear, on fear in separation myself form myself, where I feared myself and not seeing and realizing that I expressed myself within and as fear of the mind and thus nothing of such expression was real expression of me, but just following the program of fear as energy as energy enslavement of myself into and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to dance with a girl in moment as a fear and worry what she will think about me, how she will react and what she will say and from this hide myself in fear in front of girl and hide myself into and as my mind, instead of being here within and as breath equal and one with my body and do not allow and accept to myself to be directed by the mind as fear of expressing myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to enslave myself within and as fear of the mind as projections, worries, thoughts, desires in separation myself form myself and thus hide myself in front of myself, hide and tremble in fear to express myself equal and one with me body, here in presence of me in and as my breath, as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore my body, to fear to experience my body as physical, to fear to be equal and one within and as breath with my body here, as a fear and worry to be ashamed, laughed when I express myself equal and one as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of myself as a fear of being ashamed and laughed when I express myself as sex, as sex as physical movements of myself, equal and one with my breath.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore who I am as sex as sexual expression of me as my physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself and my expression of sex as physical touch, movement of my body into and as a mind energy entity, where through projections, ideas, believes I allowed imagine what sex should be instead of expression myself as sex as sexual expression of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide and separate myself from my body through ideas, and believes about sex , projections and desires what sex should be, imagination of how I should experience sex or what this experiences should be, instead of expression myself equal and one with my physical body as sex, instead of expressing myself equal and one as movement and touch of my body here, equal with and as breath as who I am here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 45 : Guilt – Expression is killed

                Guilt and the perception of being guilty, comes from self judgment, it is friction between good and bad, I noticed, when I did something what I judged within and as me as bad, thus I created experience of me being guilty, because of this very self judgment.

                Hand in hand with guilt goes hiding, as through this hiding is more simple live, to not reveal what one judged as bad within and thus to not look on own experience of guilt, not seeing that it is just religion and society brainwashing – because when one stick to the principle of oneness and equality – guilt can’t not exists.

                When I faced the point of decision, to break the relationship with girl, and thus say this decision to her, I experienced myself to be guilty, that I am the one who is “betraying” our love, our relationship, and our living together and our vision of our life together to the future.

                That time I was not able to see and understand all this love play-out between partners, energy motions and self definitions, that time I just do not “felt” to love here anymore, as obviously the energy which I was able to generate towards her dropped within me and thus I was not able to generate this energy within me anymore, thus the feeling of “love” disappeared and I was confronted with reality of me and her, and thus had to break this relationship. I wanted to tell this to her most “soft” way, to do not harm her and her emotions, as I felt myself guilty already just for the decision to break this relationship. As I perceived that it is me who is doing something bad and thus I judged myself that I am doing bad thing that I am breaking this relationship, but I had to as I saw no point how we could continue together.

                When I spoke with her, I tried to excuse myself in front of her, to do not experience this guilt, but anyway I did, and after this event it was like the stone falling out of myself, when I said what I wanted said, but interesting was, that to come to this decision to break this relationship, I had to have something which I could use against her, something as reason why I am breaking this relationship, thus I used the point of her kissing with my friend, denying that she did this because of wanting to make myself jealous on him and because of want to be with me, but one way or another, it was still bullshit, and I didn’t want to reveal that this decision was because of me of lost ability to generate energy towards her, as that time I didn’t understood this clearly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that guilt exist and that feeling of guilt is real experience of me, instead of realizing and seeing that guilt as energy is coming from self judgment of myself as polarity between good/bad and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself exist within and as mind polarity between good/bad and thus create energy friction within and as me and thus kill myself as my self expression within and as experience of guilt thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive that when I did something which I judged within and as me as bad thus I have to experience guilt and feeling of being guilty, instead of realizing that this feeling is not real experience of myself but of the mind and thus investigating what I judge within and as me as bad, forgive myself and let it go to release myself from the energy experiences of the mind I built myself onto, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel and experience myself to be guilty when I came to the decision of breaking relationship between me and my girlfriend as perception that I am harming her feelings and thus that I am the one who is bad and that I am the one who is guilty for this as breaking the relationship, instead of realizing and seeing that what we lived as each other was just our energy play out within and as our minds as perception and self delusion of love.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 38 : Love the fear – Fear the love

                As a child I had no idea about love, and I had no clue what it is fear. I was here and I just enjoyed the I live, nothing else existed.

                First time when I experienced fear, it was towards my parents, over time towards my brothers and sister, after some period towards the friends, then towards the school, then authorities within system, then teachers, then my girlfriends, then money, then drugs, then words, then anger, then movements, then looks, then lips, then touch, then sex, then pictures, then thoughts, then myself.

                Or vice versa.

                First time I experienced love as energy thus towards energy, then towards fear, then towards parents, then brothers and sister, then friends, then girlfriends, then money ,then sex, then desire, then thoughts, then ego.

                What I missed? Myself – I never had energy experience of love towards myself. Anyway, it is still irrelevant as it is still just energy.

I do not experienced real love all my life, as expression of life as me within moment, where all are equal as me as expression of me as love, except one very specific moment.

                Thus here I can say with absolute clarity, that if anyone experience love as energy feeling towards someone or something, thus you are absolutely blind and lost, love as energy is perversion and disgust, love as energy is ego, self interest, love as energy is absolute deception. Love as energy is fear, love as energy is separation, love as energy is that what kill life, love as energy is that where only self interest and self satisfaction is searched, love as energy is separation, love as energy feeling is horror, love as energy is absolute evil.

                Why do I say that?

                I breathed out and the breeze of my breath as my breath unfolded “coldness” into my body equally, where the breath reached at the same moments all parts of my body, and I experienced myself as love, I experienced myself that I am love, not as a feeling nor energy, the expression within and as moment of me as love stretched through my body towards myself and all beings, where the expression of love stretched all beings equally and the likeness to hug and kiss all of them within same moment took place, to hug all as me as myself as love as purity and innocence as living beings.

                Why do I do not experience myself as innocence of love as my expression towards myself as life and others equally?

                Answer, is very simple. Fear – FEAR – F E A R – Fear of sound – Fear of love.

                Why I fear love? Why I fear sound? Because all I know and understand is ego and inequality. All I know and understand is my prison within and as my mind as fears. I built my prison of myself based on multiple layers of fears towards myself through separation from myself.

                This means I fear equality.

                Once I thought I do not fear anything, but it was simply my denial to do not have to look on my fears and deny what is the most prominent point within me as me.

I live in absolute fear – to love myself equally.

This fear is what I call my way of living and my way of life and experiencing myself to be alive. But also I can say with clarity, that it is not so. It is not real and it is not who I really am, all are just memories I learned to “live” myself as character as persona where I act who I am, but it is not who I really am. I act myself and I play myself according memories I learned what works within system and what not, what brings me energy and what not, I have to laugh on myself.

How ridiculous this is, that I became actor of my life – Not seeing and realizing who I really am as life here, and thus not live myself in self-honesty.

You may ask, what real love is, and the answer is just one word – Equality.

Equality is just one word but this one word covers everything in absolute. But to really grasp what equality is, that is quite journey, journey into the exploring most amazing point in existence called – Life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 20 : I like

 

                Why I like something? Or, why I should even like something? Should I like something? What the likeness of something/someone says about me? What is the point to like?

                Is the likeness always based on energy gathering from the point of likeness?

 The likeness as expression of me here, as I can like myself as expression of me, as enjoyment of myself.

                For some points I could count lot of criteria why I like something, what it is I like on that/this etc.

                The likeness for me or what I like is reflection of me, who I am thus I like, who I would like not be thus I do not like, just polarity, the nice play out. I notice, when I do not like something, and I forgive to myself this not likeness of that point, often it is no more not likeness, or vice versa, if I like something, and I forgive this energy connection, I do not like it anymore the way I did before.

                I like that differently, as there is no more energy charge connected.

                I like questions. J Question brings me opportunity to find answers, which for me, is like amazing journey into me.

I commit myself to investigate each point of likeness/not likeness based on energy charge towards point of likeness/not likeness and release myself from it.

Thanks, Juraj