Day 45 : Guilt – Expression is killed

                Guilt and the perception of being guilty, comes from self judgment, it is friction between good and bad, I noticed, when I did something what I judged within and as me as bad, thus I created experience of me being guilty, because of this very self judgment.

                Hand in hand with guilt goes hiding, as through this hiding is more simple live, to not reveal what one judged as bad within and thus to not look on own experience of guilt, not seeing that it is just religion and society brainwashing – because when one stick to the principle of oneness and equality – guilt can’t not exists.

                When I faced the point of decision, to break the relationship with girl, and thus say this decision to her, I experienced myself to be guilty, that I am the one who is “betraying” our love, our relationship, and our living together and our vision of our life together to the future.

                That time I was not able to see and understand all this love play-out between partners, energy motions and self definitions, that time I just do not “felt” to love here anymore, as obviously the energy which I was able to generate towards her dropped within me and thus I was not able to generate this energy within me anymore, thus the feeling of “love” disappeared and I was confronted with reality of me and her, and thus had to break this relationship. I wanted to tell this to her most “soft” way, to do not harm her and her emotions, as I felt myself guilty already just for the decision to break this relationship. As I perceived that it is me who is doing something bad and thus I judged myself that I am doing bad thing that I am breaking this relationship, but I had to as I saw no point how we could continue together.

                When I spoke with her, I tried to excuse myself in front of her, to do not experience this guilt, but anyway I did, and after this event it was like the stone falling out of myself, when I said what I wanted said, but interesting was, that to come to this decision to break this relationship, I had to have something which I could use against her, something as reason why I am breaking this relationship, thus I used the point of her kissing with my friend, denying that she did this because of wanting to make myself jealous on him and because of want to be with me, but one way or another, it was still bullshit, and I didn’t want to reveal that this decision was because of me of lost ability to generate energy towards her, as that time I didn’t understood this clearly.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that guilt exist and that feeling of guilt is real experience of me, instead of realizing and seeing that guilt as energy is coming from self judgment of myself as polarity between good/bad and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself exist within and as mind polarity between good/bad and thus create energy friction within and as me and thus kill myself as my self expression within and as experience of guilt thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive that when I did something which I judged within and as me as bad thus I have to experience guilt and feeling of being guilty, instead of realizing that this feeling is not real experience of myself but of the mind and thus investigating what I judge within and as me as bad, forgive myself and let it go to release myself from the energy experiences of the mind I built myself onto, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel and experience myself to be guilty when I came to the decision of breaking relationship between me and my girlfriend as perception that I am harming her feelings and thus that I am the one who is bad and that I am the one who is guilty for this as breaking the relationship, instead of realizing and seeing that what we lived as each other was just our energy play out within and as our minds as perception and self delusion of love.

Thanks, Juraj

Self forgiveness

                Firstly I understood forgiveness from religion concept that something wrong had to happen and than it could be forgiven. If I do something wrong than I ask for forgiveness or I forgive to someone.

                But let’s have a look, if nothing wrong/bad exists and nothing good/right exists from polarity point of view, how than I could do something bad or judge myself as bad if it is just my perception, my judgment, and therefore my own created sense of sin or guilt ? And ask for forgiveness?

                How can I forgive someone else, if the behavior of others is based on their own judgments and has nothing to do with me?

                But if I look on this from perspective of self forgiveness, it is different. Bernard was/is/will be right about this point, that self forgiveness is procrastinated, avoided, laughed on, avoided, denied, etc.

                Because, self forgiveness has really nothing to do with any concept which humanity created, especially nothing with any religion.

                Firstly, I really didn’t understand at all why I should forgive to me anything, I thought I am fine. I was not. I started to use self forgiveness, I started to write, I started to speak, and mostly I experienced huge tiredness, immense that I was hardly able to hold myself awake or move the body or do anything, I simply had to rest. Effect of the mind, where through self forgiveness mind is “ hacked  “ .

                I mostly wrote the self forgiveness points and sometimes I spoke it, I see that to do it as combination - write it and then speak it is more effective.

                I went through the points Bernard mentioned in the book, mostly in my case it was procrastination with self forgiveness, avoiding it, or wanting to hold to some specific point and not to let it go, or not doing self forgiveness complete, or even abuse it, or condition my self forgiveness, or use it only on things within me which I didn’t liked and not on things I liked, or forgive only specific thoughts and some remained as part of me.

                Interesting if one comes to the point, to forgive oneself, and let it go as the past which is not here. Most effective I was in regards of my emotions, things which I judged within me and things which I really didn’t liked to experience as anxiety, fear, imagination, sexuality, perception of my body, thoughts and judgments, with breathing also, of course.

                Still I see, many more points will come, as I am aware which points within me I was not able to transcend and I am still holding into, also I am aware what I was able to change.

                I have to say, as I slowed down, how my daily experiences, moments, reactions, thoughts, etc, started to changing and stopping, I started to see differently people around me, my environment and firstly, I started to see differently me.

                Mainly, my experiences, the calmness which started to enter into my life, rush and energy is fading away, slowly and surely my inner peace started to enter into my life, and still, I am saying, I am far from the point where my inner peace will be wholeness as silence as me.

                Once I look on my life, this is the way which is really worth, self forgiveness is the way one can open the door for inner peace to enter into one’s life, to open the door for real self to stand and let go the fake personalities.

                In last period, I wrote lot of SF points, I didn’t publish it, why not? I thought to me that anyway no one is reading my SF, or no one is interested, or no one care, this point comes from my childhood when I experienced myself as alone where no one care about me.

                But anyway, if this will help someone, or if my SF will be inspiration for someone to step forward and try for himself/herself and utilize it, it will be cool.

                So I will publish my SF points, of course those which are written.  J

                Enjoy, thanks, Juraj