I am self-trust

               

                Inevitably, I faced many times a question within myself, as what or who I can trust? Or even what trust is, is trust real? Can trust even exists?

               So, as I was a bit struggling within me as this point, thus I came back within me, and revisited the points of realizations within me, and looked as how I acted, what I spoke and what I did after specific points I realized.

               For example, 8 years ago realization of love as oneness and equality of myself, through and by this realization, I was able to see as who I am as expression of love, and I placed this realization as my guide, map or compass, and see and understand that love is never a feeling, but I am the love. Within the realization of me as love, the experience of hug and kiss of each living being emerged within me and I trusted me as this realization and I will trust me as love forever. This realization, guided me many times when I faced a point of the love as construct of the mind, and I was able always cross reference love as me and love as mind experience, and see through my fears, hopes, wants, and needs as desire for love as a feeling. And I admit, even with this great cross reference point I placed within me, I had sometimes struggle to let go of all points related within me to and as love construct, because hundreds of dimensions emerged within me related to this point and my need of self-honesty was challenged in this point a lot, but I never lost myself in love construct again. And I never will.

               To let go and transcend, some specific points within me as love construct, was really painful, on mind level and “real” pain in me as a being. Letting go of a false love, constructed through ideas and believes, fears and separation from myself, starting on mind level and going into me as a being, required really a lot moments to see and realize before, and one of the ultimate was, as how I created this love as mind from beginning as an illusion in my mind, and sometimes even I wanted this illusion to became real, but always my compass, my guide, my map as realization as what real love is, together with self-forgiveness, I always found my ground and was able to see through, which is in fact totally great and I am so grateful for this, as I seen that my actions, and words was supported a lot thanks to me as realization of love and thus I stand me as this realization, no matter what and forever. And I can place a question, will I kiss or hug this person standing in front of me as me as expression of love? I definitely do not have to hug or kiss all beings in existence to prove this for myself, this is more a guide and always will be.

               When I realized around 10 years ago, what relationships in between men and women really are, how they are created within mind, what mind play is involved, and how many points of deception within self are involved, thus this became one of my first compasses and guides for my life, to never seek relationship with woman based on such points again, which was quite a challenge as well, but from that moment I always seen and understood, that I can never accept to form a relationship with a girl such way, because it would always be fake, deception, and lies of the mind. And from that moment I decided that I would go into relationship with a woman, which would be able to walk her process as well, and never accept anything less. In that moment, I decided that and was prepared, that I will be all my life alone, or I will met with a woman which would understand the message of equality and oneness of desteni, and decide for herself to walk out of a mind, and thus we would walk our lives together. One way, or another, I am ok with both options for myself, even I realize, that many points are easier to walk when two are together, as both can play very vital part within process of both, and help and support each other more effectively when it come to walk through the mind. But still, I can do it alone, so if this option will play out in my life, I will walk alone this earth.

               Few months after realization of me as love, realization of me as awareness, and how I experienced myself as all existence, and what this realization showed me, about me, what judgments really are, and how everything exists as polarities, for the sake of creation of fear, became my strongest point and most vital part in growing basket of compasses and guides and maps within me. And if I would have to pick one reason, as why I continue as self-forgiveness till this date, after decade ago, this one was the utmost revealing realization of me, but other played very vital part as well, thus all are the same guides for me.

               Even as how I came to this realization, was quite fascinating, because my separation was defined by one simple thought within me, which was “ I am not you “ , and this thought occurred within my mind when my brother was speaking to me when I was just a boy, and he was comparing me with one specific being, which I didn’t liked and this thought happened within me that time, and it was done, I was separated in the mind living my dream. But this realization will be my guide forever.

               When I started stopping the mind, and seeing the thoughts of myself, and starting over some period track the thoughts to their origin, and start to see mechanics in between thoughts and emotions, what I always found was, that origin of each thought within me was fear. This was quite interesting, and I was not sure what this will bring to my life, but I understood that I can trust myself and simply continue with what I was doing in context of self-forgiveness, as I simply had to see and understand for myself, I could never accept knowledge or anything, as I seen that whatever is presented to me, I would never trust if I do not see for myself, walk for myself, understand for myself, and thus live for myself.  

Sure, I was not able to see everything as what is ahead of me that time, but anyway I am grateful that I never stopped, because, this seeing and understating as how fear is created within me, and which thought and feeling or emotions emerged from it, was another guide in the basket, and thus I could never let any thought within me unnoticed, or emotion, and I always had to start to see deeper because I always seen, that it is never just a thought, but much more to this is always.

               From points above, emerged realization of sexual energy, and seeing and understanding, that all sexual energy I experienced within me, is in fact always fear. Sexual energy, simply equals fear. And this fear has many facets, many forms, and comes with many dimensions, and here I can say, this was the most hard, challenging and lengthy point within me to walk.

               From begging, when I started to investigate my fears as sexual energy, my insecurities about myself, doubts, judgments, polarities, and possible actions, I was not able to see as how many I accepted within me to be part of me as me, but this realization, that all sexual energy is fear, I added to my basket of guides, and thus more I walked my life, more compasses I created for myself, to never again fall in the trap of the mind. And extensively great amount of my power has been given by me to my mind, to play with me and use me.

                Walking sexual points within me, took me more like 8 years, one by one, day by day, year by year, and you would never believe as what I did for myself to be able to push myself through this, and I pushed myself, me as the mind, me as a being, and me as a body, to real limits of me, where I was aware that I can possibly lead myself into a collapse of me and make some epic mistake for myself, but I had always one point in consideration for this, that I will do anything and everything possible for myself, to walk through the fears of me, but whatever I will do I will never harm myself. Physical well being of me was always the priority for me, and I can say, this was a great compass for me, because I never seriously harmed myself or damaged anything of my body, yet I had some tiny little issues after some specific points, or some mistakes, because body can handle only what body can handle, and I can say, I am grateful for my body, because what I body did for myself, and stood with me, and to show me what I accepted as fear to live in and as, was sometimes really crazy, but I had to do it. And if I would have to go back, I would do it the very same way, with some little improvements, but basically it was a cool way to work with the points within me, with my fear, and explore anything and everything possible within me.

               Within the walking sexual energy within me, I was after years always like, so this is it, this was the last point, and the another point emerged, and I understood that maybe I will never resolve this, or it will take how much it will take, and sometimes I was even pissed of or surprised as how this is possible so many points connected to this. But I continued, until one very specific moment, when I realized, what really happened within me and why and what I accepted and how it is even possible that such moment existed within me, when I was a young boy, as experience of fear within me, when I looked on a girl,  I had this paralyzing and trembling experience of myself, when I saw her, and all my life, I thought that it was fear, or love, or likeness of her, or whatever, but in the moment of realization, as what this really meant, and what really happened, finally I seen for myself. That all sexual energy, I experienced, lived, wanted, needed, or desired, was in fact, fear of myself. All sexual energies, thus fears, which I had through my entire life, was in fact, fear of myself, as projection, as what I will possibly do, or not, and this was linked to polarity of more and less, and I let my mind to abuse me each way possible and keep me trapped in this fear of myself, because I was no able to se that time, how I created it. And even, as a young boy, I had no chance to see this, nor understand, or realize. This was the blueprint and creation and specifically tailored experience of my mind for myself, to eat it, and start to live it.

               And here, I was able to see, how was possible that I believed that experience, why I believed it, Why I followed it all my life, and what that experience meant. All my fears, all my life, all my actions, all my words, was linked to this one very specific experience of fear, I could say, more like initial or starting point of me accepting fear, and this was decided, and tailored for myself much sooner, and according my realizations, I would say from begging of the existence.

               What was the most interesting point, within such realization was, that in fact, it was something completely else, so well hidden, and presented by my mind such genius way, that from that moment it was almost certain that I will never find out or realize, and thus I have to say, that mind and creation of the mind, and how mind can use self-deception to trap one within, is pure genius. 8 years or more took me, to came to this point, even some specific points I realized earlier in my life, but in context of me actively working and participating on this, it was such time.

               Fear of myself, is starting point for all fears within self, because self is not able to see, comprehend and understood, that self in fact exists as one. But separation, brings this illusion, that it is something else.

               And if you will reach this point within you, you will see, what it really means, when Anu said, where and how he placed himself as a part of a body.

               So, if you are experiencing sexual energy within you, you can always be sure, that you are deceiving yourself, and that in fact you are experiencing the fear in its purest form. If you are horny, be sure, that it is fear you do not see how you are creating it within you, and accepting within you. If you are horny, or sexually driven by energy within you, be sure you are just a slave of the mind, which uses you, like a tool, like a puppet, and you will give into and you will give the mind all the fears you can, and mind will hold you in this trap of you, because even you want and desire it. But, at the end, it is always fear, and this fear starts within you, where you are fearing yourself.

               Fear of self, is starting point for all possible fears you can experience within you, all judgments, all polarities, it all starts within you, as you, as who you are, and what you really fear of yourself.

               This points I walked for myself, and what I realized, was one of the hardest, really hardest, and most sophisticated creation within my mind as the mind, because I would never thought or guess the real reason, as how and why I accepted fear within me, and what part polarity of more and less plays as projection to the future of my future actions, of myself towards a girl really is. I am so grateful that I pushed myself to walk all of this, and I am so grateful for my body, and I am so grateful for myself, that despite all the odds, I am forever grateful for this opportunity which I gave myself, to see and realize how I created all of this, and thus give myself opportunity to live me as a being, no longer trapped in self-deception of fear.

               And thus, I have a basket, where is a map, on that map, are placed realizations of me which I accepted as me, and this map and realizations guided me as a compass in my life, almost for a decade. And, I will forever.

 So I trust myself, and became the trust of self, that I will never fall into a mind games again, or that even if by any chance I would, thanks to this, I trust myself that with my map, I will always find the way out, no matter what.

So I dare you, do anything and everything possible to see through the fear of yourself, push yourself as much as you can, and when you reach the point of self-realization as how and why you existed the way you did, you will, smile. 😊

You will smile because you will see, that all of it, was never real. You will smile and honor yourself, because you will see how all another parts which mind consist of and exists as and which you accepted to be and live and become, and which mind uses against you, as guilt, remorse, regret, sadness, anger, you name it, was your allowance, your acceptance, from begging of you and that nothing of that, was ever real, just a mirage of you. And here you give yourself opportunity, to became real you. As who you really are, as presence, as awareness, as love, as direction, as playfulness, as self-acceptance, as everything you can give to yourself, no more trapped in your self-delusion.

Alone or together, I am trust of me, forever.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 159 : Who I am, Who I became, Who I will be

                I am not able to express and write or speak who I am as I am not able to describe who I am. I am not able through words describe me, what this me is. I can’t define who I am and I can’t determine this me. As I am here I can walk my inner bullshits and sort out my demons, and maybe finally to get to a point to deal with the demon of me as mind I became.

                I have to say, that I was surprised, what I saw within me, as me, what is part of me, and what eventually was as me or me as that all the time but I was just not able to see within me all this shits deep within.

                To uncover the thoughts, and what thoughts represent is from certain perspective simple, yet mind as me, me as mind is trying to hide the truth of me each time I see within.

                And yet, once one stop to judge that what is real within, I was really surprised about myself. There is nothing like positive energy, positive thoughts, or positive attitude, nor negative or that what should be presented as negative. Nope. As me, in me, there is specific point, and that I my dear ego.

                My EGO, me as the one who stand separated from everything and everyone, and anything which exists I simply deny through and as my ego. Me as ego, is that what is true face of me, and yet I never said to anyone, what I see within and as me. Maybe this is not necessary anyway, as each time I let something go thus this no more direct me, determine or define me, or better say, I do not consist and exist as that point I solved, and what I solve and what I walked for real simply never came back.

                But what is still coming back, is simply me as the ego as eye, as how I see myself and everything else separated, and that way I experience myself, just here within and as my body, to certain level my body as I am not able to put my head down and say that yes I am equal and one with my body, as this is simply nonsense, as I am not aware of my body so much stuff, that this is now irrelevant to solve. Yes the touch, almost all of those I make I am aware, once breathing and focusing on this, but my body is not just that. Each cell and each atom, molecule my body is made of, I am not aware at all as I am separated from everything my body exist as, because the energy influences I accepted to separate myself from my body. Even so, the level of awareness of my physicality goes into a point of me breathing, and the touches I made, but everything else, is simply hidden because of the ego I became.

                The ego of me, and what I walked, and what starts to unfold within and as me, what I started to see, many times I was firstly ashamed, I felt guilt of me, surprise and wonder how come this is me, how come this exist as me, how come that this is in me, as me. How come that I am this and how come that I exist as this. And always I have to search back within my life to see the relevance of past moments I accepted myself to create and based myself on.

                The ego I became, the ego I created, the ego I am, is to the most level possible influenced by pictures of my environment, as simply I believed of anything which pictures presented to me and I forgot to ask the truth behind, as each picture carry the truth behind but the picture is not this truth by itself.

                The very reason, the very fact I am able to see this world as pictures in front of me, is learned because others told me so, and I accepted those words from others and thus I became this believe, this believe in pictures and that world exist as this pictures. But the eyes, mislead very well, as I used my eyes to see as mind thus as the one point of me, one singular point of the eye of me as EGO I became.

                And the eye of the mind, the eye I am as ego as me, is not the space nor physical nor anything, just this one point which exists as pillar of me I became that, as believe I am this one point I see world and others and everything which is here.

                This one point, because I became this ego, is simply the bubble of me, where everything serves as protection of this self created bubble, and me as the ego, is hijacking everything around to protect this, this ego as me, is sabotaging every way possible everything to sustain itself, me as ego is so fuckingly scared to give up this ego, this bubble, that even to myself it seems impossible to give this up.

                But the perspective of my life, and the ego I created as me, is heading to one certain point, certainty of this point, which will come as inevitability is death.

                And the death by itself, is only one point I am absolutely sure that this will happen, and I have no doubts that I will die. What will come in my life, what I will face, what will be the stuff I will have to deal with, everything of this is to certain level placed already, as I created the consequence of my life and thus this is known, but the many possibilities which will come as well are unknown and hidden and to certain level determined by decisions I will make.

                But, again, anyway, simply do not matter which decisions I will make, and what will be outcome of this decisions, and what consequences I will create or stop, everything I will do, speak, write, will lead me with absolute certainty to the point of death.

                This point of death of me, is the point of my last breath I will breathe out, and in and as this last breath I will die. Within the moment of me dying, the ego I created as me will cease to exist, no matter how much I tried to protect this, as I am aware that I will have no longer have access to memories as past moments I created myself as.

                Within this, what I am as ego, is simply, maybe sad fact, but not real. I am not real. I live in self delusion of me, created because of that what I lived, and who I am as life, is forgotten.

                And maybe the most sad fact is, that the existence of me as ego, is because of one point and believe, that me as the mind, is more than life.

                Me as mind, me as this one point, I fall into and as believe, that I am something more that life, because of believe that I exist, but this existence I call myself, are just activated memories of my so called life I accepted myself believe as, and this fact, is simply not sexy.

                I thought to myself to be superior over the life, but in fact, it is way around. I am absolutely dependent on my physical body, and subject to my body, and I exist as this one point within and as the mind, as EGO.

                And this one point I became, is demon I am, demon I became, demon locked and imprisoned as the mind. Everything else, are just relationships towards this one point I am.

                Within this, I am interested, if I will be able to give up this me as demon as point I defined myself as, because so far, I am not able to see into such depth of me, because, there are lot of things to sort out at first.

Thanks, Juraj  

Day 154 : Thinking is root cause of all problems

                As I started to realize years ago what thoughts really are, as deception of self, as that what has been programmed and created to enslave human being, and therefore myself, I became interested of living without a thoughts within me, and thus I start to apply breathing, self forgiveness and I have to say, at the beginning of my process, the amount of thoughts within me has been so extensive, that it seems to me that to stop all of them is simply impossible.

                But it is possible, and even is possible to be, exist, live, move without a thought in the head. Therefore question is, what the thoughts really represent, if one is able to exist without? What is the purpose of thoughts, if those thoughts can be stopped, released and let go, simply, all of them. Who remain if all thoughts are released?

                Then who we are as beings, if we are not able to recognize the simplicity of living without a thoughts, therefore being, existing, expressing ourselves as who we really are as beings without being directed with such deception as thoughts represent?

                  As I became aware of me breathing, and focusing on my breath, interesting points I started to realize in regards of thoughts, that I became aware exactly which thoughts directs me, within situation, what thoughts are part of me, and at the beginning I had tendency to judge some thoughts and thus suppress them and do not want to look on those which showed me what is also part of me.

                As I stopped to judge my own thoughts, and became aware that those thoughts are all equal, no matter how those or that thought can look, it is simply a thought, nothing else, nothing more.

                After a certain period, I realized that this thoughts which repeats by itself, have specific structure, pattern, and thus the thoughts simply are not random, even if this can look that way. Why, when and which thought pops up in my head, had specific structure, as patterns connecting to each other, therefore like small programs keeping running in my head, and thus I was just follower of this small programs.

                But as I started to stop those thoughts, I start to face specific problem, and that was the trust, believe in my own back chat, as this believe has been so strong that to break this looked really being impossible, as this back chat had tendency to came back over and over at the beginning almost in each situations I moved within environment, and thus years ago I faced interesting point, when I realized that I can’t trust this back chat, as simply I faced the point of me, when nothing of my own back chat matched reality, therefore that just showed me how deceptive in nature back chat is.

                After some period, the back chat start to emerge again and I started to hear that back chat as I fall in believe that maybe possibly this is who me is, and the nature of back chat became simply different. After specific period, as I started to walk my process more fast in meaning, applying breath more effectively, writing more often, applying sf more, and developed trust in self forgiveness, I start to face the root cause of my biggest believes, strongest perceptions and ideas about myself, in meaning, my own self interest.

                And my own self interest I started to see, realize and understood what this really is, was the biggest problem I faced, as the self interest is energy. I started to see and realize how I defined myself through the energy I required for myself, and within this interesting points emerged for myself to see and realize, that the positive energy I had tendency to perceive I look for, was not the cause of my own self interest, even this can look that way, but in fact my own self definitions as negative was the points I wanted and required for myself, and the positive was just balance of negative and deception to not see what are parts of me as negative.

                Therefore I started to see and realize, that what I was living as fear, and existing in and as fear as the definition of me towards this energy, thus that I let my mind to direct myself to get this experience as fear. And therefore the fear was that what I required for myself and all derivatives of this fear, in perception and believe that this energy I get is simply me living me, but it was never so.

                Other layers of fear had been mostly not understood, recognized and seen by me, as mostly I misplaced the experience I had and thought it is something good, nice, and positive, that what I like, but again it was fear.

                As I started to walk the points of fear, to see and realize how I trapped myself in energy experiences of fear, another suppressed points start to emerge day by day, always linked to specific back chats from past or present, and thus always I got to the point of seeing, that root cause was my own thoughts and fear I lived.

                Fear by itself, was basic platform of every energy experience I had. Thus fear as energy has been simply the point of self interest as well, as fear as energy experience is in fact only energy experience humans live. Yes there are many believes it is not so, that all other energy experiences are something else, nice, positive, but going deeper to this experiences, one always find the fear as basic platform of this.

                Therefore, thoughts by itself are representation of fear, and fear is that what directs humans, because of fear of themselves, ourselves, as who we are, because we separated from ourselves, through fear.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 128 : Eye movement – programming of self

                I realized interesting point, that within my eye movement, I can see what my program is, how I look and see the world outside, what are the points I seek and look one, how I move with my eyes, how often I blink with me eyes, which pictures I see with my eyes, how I search for energy through eyes.

                Interestingly, mind utilize eyes each moment of movement, just question is, is this eye movement automatic? If yes, observe just for a while, how you move with your eyes and why, what true reason of this movement is, place questions for this movements, search and seek why you move with your eyes the way you do.

                Within this, you will see the polarity play-out, when and how often you are inferior or superior, what the likeness as what you like is, and what not, within the eyes and movements of eyes you can find many points, to be able to see and realize how you programmed yourself.

                The school, is one of the strongest point, and education system for this eye movements, as getting information into and as mind as the reading has been utilized to receive knowledge and thus provide to the mind what mind requires, knowledge and information of this world, but after all, everything is in place to keep humans enslaved, trapped, and to conform the rules of society and never place question towards the points which has been read.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see, that education system of this world is in place to program myself through information and knowledge to keep me as the mind busy, and do not question information in front of me, and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to receive, store and get information as knowledge from the books in the school and do not question this information.

Thanks, Juraj