Day x174x – Impossible love.

         I loved to dance but I do not dance anymore, I loved to make paintings, but I do not paint anymore. I loved to meat people, I do not meet anyone. I loved to speak, most days I am silent as there is no one around anymore to speak with. I loved to love, I do not love anymore. I loved to touch a girl, look into her eyes, yet I do not anymore as year by year I am single. I loved to write, I do not write anymore, except this article. I loved to think, imagine, hope, to the future, I do not anymore as I do not see future anymore. I loved to walk memories of me but what remained? Nothing more to check within and as past. I loved myself, I do not anymore. I’ve been sad, and sadness defined me, but not anymore.

         I’ve been in regret and sorrow, in shame, in judgment, I am not anymore. I loved to explain, check, investigate, I do not anymore. I loved my family, friends, I do not have anymore any of that. I loved my car, I do not have any. I loved the sun, yet it is winter. I loved the breeze, yet I do not experience this.

         I loved to see myself, in future, as who I will be, yet everything is different, what I would never imagined. I loved to overcome obstacles, yet nothing to overcome, as nothing will come.

         What happened, Juraj, to love you have been? Where that love went? And I am not saying about love in context of positive feeling, nor feeling of love at all, as love, is not a feeling, my words before, explains what and how I see and understand love, yet love I do not use towards anyone in any context as a word. Juraj, where is love as you?

         I asked myself, thousands of times, who I am, how come I am. Am I? Yet many may think that I stopped to walk m process, as my activity everywhere I stopped, yet I never stopped to investigate myself, and walk me, and challenges and difficulties. I never stopped to breathe, as my breath was only thing, with self-forgiveness, thanks to which I am here.

         Thousands of times, walked the same points, thousands of times, stood the odds, thousands of times, stood up. Thousands of times, fallen. Those who watched me, through all my days, through the years, should I thank you or should I ask you to leave? Yes, I see, can not ask to leave any part of me, you was always with me. But we can laugh about it, how many times, you looked at me, and wondered, how come I did it again, despite all that knowledge, all that realizations, despite all points walked, despite all of everything, despite all, again. To stop judgment, but hey, what this word even means, it make no sense.

         So many polarities witnessed and understood, so many stopped, and yet I have to ask myself, how I can create life?

         Yes life, because in creation of death, I lost myself, I have no idea how to create life, what life means, of what life is, yet I am life. I have no idea, what I am as life. This seeing, where creation of death led me, not seeing how to create life, how? Thousands to questions answered, can be great support to anyone, yet not doing so, because of this one fall?

         I watched your lives, yet mine and yours, are so different, that none of you, can see it, except those who walked with me. So different yet the same, this paradoxes I see, I have no words to describe this. I have no words to describe me, as who I am, as words. I tried, I had to use many and still it was not valid, not valid description of me.

         And standing water, as me, crashed the rock of me, water more solid then rock, yet still, who can understand this words, except those who walked those roads of clashing powers?

         So much I could say, but not anymore, as who understand? I tried, not anymore, I loved to speak, yet where’s that love?

         Faded, still not gave up on me, as I asked, why? Why you simply don’t?

         Shining, through lies, standing in storms of hate, transforming yet not knowing next day will come. Still here, always, not knowing next day will be, but still is. This day, is still, stand still.

         And those words, using, as me, and I said thus will be and is and was, yet many of them, not of me, not from me, not me, some of those words, are not mine, how is it possible ?

         Created impossible, and had to face the revenge of me, through impossibility of creation, yet still done. But only for that reason to face those points ? Seems to be silly, so much effort, so much patience, so much details, and this precision of this creation, where I amazed stood and watched this to face only this point and again everything lost as had to move on. How I can explain this, if only you, who walk with me, saw it. Even, can I, to anyone? How much books I would have to write, to explain all those details, linked together, in creation of such moments.

         And this seeing, in and as moments, as how much points had to come together, within and as impossible precision, still manged to happen, for this one point. Is it worthy? Or even, should be? What even this word means, as I asked.

         And I wanted, someone would understand, and see, what it was, and yet it again only you, no one else can, as you was the creator and you witnessed it all, only you.

         Will you ever give up?

         The words, do not exists, yet you create them, you bring into existence that what do not exists, how is that possible, how you can, to resonate through space, where distance is not valid, how you can, negate distance?

  

         How you can, make distance obsolete, how you can, make impossible possible?

         How you can be me?

Thanks, Juraj

Day 173: Time has come - Lengthy process of Trial and error

                Some moments passed, within my life, when I came to read the words – “Lengthy process of Trial and error”, and this words, seems to be simple, but what this means and represents, within process, is different story, as behind those just few words, are tons of points, and those words has been spoken by Bernard.

                For me, Bernard, was someone who was able to piss me off so genuinely, that his words was so pure and true, that my state of being pissed off could last only few moments, as I was able to see what he is speaking, but yet, not following what I see for me I want to exactly, despite of fact that I simply had to agree of his words, as truth is simply truth and there are no versions.

                I was not able to stood up for me, expand my potential the way I am capable of, support me the way I am doable, and Bernard, did for me the most, but way that I will eventually come to the point of starting to see what process really is, what is standing for something, what it means to let go the past, who I am and why I am, how I created myself, I was never able to give up to introspect my past, me, who I as within my life,  why I was, my decisions and starting to sort out me.

                Bernard offered me life, as life what life really is. He offered my joy, freedom, patience, discipline, skills, abilities, wisdom, and truth, seeing, understanding, carrying, being, living, love, me.

                Sunnette offered me the same different way.

                I was curious, how come, someone can offer me so much and do not want anything back?

                Anu, Enlil, Enki, Marduk, Jack, Veno, MyKey, Winged, and others showed me existence beyond mind imagination, and thus I came through most shocking realizations about myself, shocking such way and so deeply, that nothing and no one has power to bullshit me about us, mankind.

                World, as it is, do not know, do not see, is not aware who Bernard was, and what this man, just one, was capable to proceed, and what he did for everyone equally, world do not know, what world lost with los of this man.

                But here are others, which are able to see his words, and these beings walk their processes, and thus message of equality and oneness will be spread to all parts of the world, and continue and live as we will live our words.

                Bernard, and his words, resonated within me and I had to investigate, I had to see for myself, I had to realize what his words means, I had to and thus I decided to go on way of Trial and Error, as I had to prove to me, how I work, who I am, why I am, what I created for me and which way of live I decided to live for me. The way I went through some points was so extreme, that I am sometimes surprised that I am still here, but yes I am. This was really not necessary, it was not required, I could choose more peaceful way, I could but I didn’t. I could many things and once Bernard said these words to me – “you could prevent this”. I was pissed off by these 4 words so much, because yet those words were true, but for me extremely painful, because many realizations came after fail but it was too late, too late go back and took on the point differently, make other decision, or change anything, once things are done, it is over, finite, end, past and nothing more just memory of what has been done.

                I was pissed off because of me seeing his words and what his words means, yet acting many times in direct opposite of what I saw for me. But to understand for me, what I act, the way I act, was so important and crucial that I risked my life many times for this, I risked everything and I lost everything and everyone, I lost all but nothing.

                Give up all to see you gave up nothing, I choose for me very rough way, full of pain, agony, regret, almost insanity, and it was only me who decided to walk my process such way, and nothing of this was necessary, but for me, because of point of decision, direction, to see and realize.

                To see points coming up from unconscious believes, formed in early stage of my life, was leading me to self-destruction, because of my benevolence.

                My benevolence, of letting my mind to decide, letting still my mind power, letting my mind to show me where I will go or will be if I let mind decide, was not quite beneficial decision for me, yet again same way crucial to came to decision, that this way, simply is no more way I want to live, by any means.

                I simply had enough some would be shocked and would not believe if I would write what I came through in last 2 years, and especially why.

                I could use many words, but only one describes everything best, EGO.

                After all and everything I have done unto me, I simply surrender walk and live my life as EGO. I see why and where I led me as EGO, fine, this is done. I capitulate and surrender as EGO.

                Bernard said about EGO so many points, and my investigation and living me as EGO was extreme, I was many relations of his words with and as my life, my decision, and again I came to realization and seeing his explanations, and what this all represents.

                Within this, I had to come to decisions for me, to re-take what has been by my benevolence let as points of direction for my mind, and to take all my power back to me, where this power as me as being as direction of me belongs.

                Mind had authority over me almost all my life, except within some specific points in last 6 years, and this authority is not where this belongs, as simply, it is useless and serve for nothing.

                Everything I have done, and came through will be not in vein, and everything of me as me will expand to the utmost potential possible.

                Vastness of dimensions of mind, looked difficult and hard to comprehend, to put everything together, yet I have proven that this is possible to walk and stand in equality and oneness.

                One of my decision is, that my blog will be no more public, as I have to go into every intricate detail of my mind, I have to go and see utmost seemingly irrelevant blink of my life, I have to go into each possible detail of me, everything I created myself as, because if I would not, I would be never able to complete what I decided to complete for me.

                Therefore, this is last blog which is displayed publicly, and new one will be created, where access to that blog will be given only to those, which are part of Desteni, walk their process, and are part of Leadership forum.

                If over time other blogs will be posted publicly, is part of future decision.

Thanks, Juraj

                

Day 172 : Let go the past – Let go the knowledge

                I found, hard and difficult, for me to step beyond this point and embrace this point as me, as it which I separated from, as it point, not me as self.

                I see what I do not see and what I deny as me, this is difficult to see.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 169: I will all-ways Love you

                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 167 : I accept who I am

                Why I searched so many times me, is the point of me accepting mind and not who I am as presence of me here. The very acceptance of the mind and thus becoming and believing of this is the reason why I became no more here, living, breathing, expressing, enjoying, accepting, sharing, carrying.

                I start to limit myself, and within this limitation forgetting who I am, forgetting equality and oneness of me, forgetting me as life, and losing me, within and as realms of the mind, and this is strange, it is so strange, as my very question was – why I accepted and allowed this all?

                I asked this question because I saw everything of me within moment, and I saw everything I accepted towards me as life. How come, why, I accepted such separation, and from this such misery of life on this planet?

                Why I separated from me? Why I separated myself from life? Why I separated myself from physical? Why I forgot who I am as all as one? Why I forgot my oneness of me? Why I forgot equality of me? Why I became blind and why I stopped to see me? Why I accepted fear of me? Why I accepted to believe in fear?

                Why, why, why, actually, the answer is simpler that I could thought, because I wanted and desired to be something else than what and who I really am. I was fool and within my foolishness I started to think about me, instead of living me, accepting and enjoying the life and simplicity of life, simplicity of oneness and equality of me.

                I started to complicate everything and creating billions of points, reasons, ways and I became blind, I was not able to see me anymore, I was not able to enjoy me anymore, and I was not able to live, because I died. I died the moment I accepted the very first thought within me, and this thought became my doom, pain and fall.

                I was broken, and I was weak, I was fear-full and I was sick, I was shaken.

                But no more I accept such lies. No more I accept to be blind. I am life and that’s all of me as who I am.

                Nothing more, nothing less, just life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I see, instead of see and realize that I am using the mind to interpret what Is here, what this here should be because I separated myself from physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became blind and no more see me as equality and oneness of me, as life, as my presence and everything which exists as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see the sound.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to be sound.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to be something else than sound.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that sound is not who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that silence is not who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that silence is not real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget me as sound and silence.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget me being sound but rather separate myself from into and as mind, and became following blindly what mind see, what mind says, what mind show, what mind thinks, and do not see and realize that I am not this, nothing, no single point.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see into me each moment I am here, but rather turns into the mind to have this idea and believe about seeing, not realizing that by this I am giving my power away from me, and thus diminishing and dishonoring me as life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t be physical, that I can’t be of life, that I can’t be of sound and silence as me being here, seeing here, expressing here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that here is what I see as pictures through my eyes, that here is what I hear through my ears, not seeing and realizing that what Is here is me as moment which exists in and as equality and oneness of me as all.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself look on me through information and knowledge of the mind, and not see directly, instantly, everything and everywhere of me as who I am as life within equality and oneness of me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look on me through the mind and thus look on me through polarity system, and forget to see me as equality and oneness as life as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to use the energy as the point of separation from myself, because of thinking and believing that energy is real, that energy is something more than life than physical than sound, not seeing and realizing such deception I created for me, not seeing and realizing how I enslaved myself into and as energy because of this believe.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like energy more than me as who I am as life, to deceive myself with such believe, and think that my believes, must be real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe everything else but not to trust the only one point which is real, thus physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that something more than physical must exist and that it is possibly me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to turn blind eye and ignore the physical as what is here, but rather think and believe that physical is something which is less than the mind, not seeing and realizing that I deceived me, not seeing that mind is subject to physical and thus mind needs physical, but physical do not need mind, not seeing and realizing that physical exist without the mind, but mind can’t exist without physical, that physical is what is real and what exists and not mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself do not accept myself as physical, to do not want to be physical, to do not want to be here, to do not want to be equal and one with physical as me, but desire to be something else, something more, something more profound, more special, more interesting, because of my very judgment towards the physical and seeing the physical as something less than mind, not seeing and realizing my self deception within this, my dishonor of myself and my illusion of me about me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of me as being as one with me as all as one as who I really am as life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical, because of idea and believe that what I think, what I experience as energy movement is more than physical, thus within this live as believe and idea about me, in search for me, in search to find out who I am, not seeing and realizing that I am always here, that I was always here, and I will be always here as moment of me, my presence within and as silence of life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust the mind, to trust what mind see, to desire to trust the mind, to trust the energy of the mind, to mislead myself with placing trust to the mind, instead of trusting me as who I really am, instead of standing for me as absolute presence of I, as I as life, as I as here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be and became benevolent in my standing for me, instead of standing for me absolute, instead of me standing for me and for all to my biggest potential, unshakable, unbreakable, as all as one as who I am as equality and oneness of life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not take all my power back to me, to do not accept anything of the mind which mind consist and exist as, and do not became the solution for me, solution for all, solution for life on this planet and what life could really be for all, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not stand in and as clarity of me, to do not stand as absolute presence of me as the moment, to do not stand to my greatest potential which I am capable of, to do not stand as absolute expression of life within and as self-honesty of me, to do not stand as example for all to see what is possible to be and became as life, as equality and oneness of life, to do not stand for life and what life really is.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am weak to stand absolute, to think and believe that I can’t stand absolute, that I am not strong enough, that I am not powerful enough, that I am not worthy enough to stand for me as who I am as life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t be the life, that I do not deserve to be life, that I must and have to be punished for everything I have done towards the life, not seeing and realizing, that what have been done is of the past and thus point of me no more accepting such separation, dishonesty as everything what have been done, was enough.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I can’t see me within and as equality of life as who I really am, because I thought that I have to be punished somehow for everything I have done, not seeing and realizing that only self-punishment exist because of very shame, regret and  judgment of myself for everything I have done unto me as life, not seeing and realizing within this opportunity for myself to simply – stand absolute and no more accept anything less or more than life, honor the life and make everything possible to my greatest potential to bring dignity and value of life here, for all as one, within the principle of equality and oneness I stand for.

Thanks, Juraj