Day 173: Time has come - Lengthy process of Trial and error

                Some moments passed, within my life, when I came to read the words – “Lengthy process of Trial and error”, and this words, seems to be simple, but what this means and represents, within process, is different story, as behind those just few words, are tons of points, and those words has been spoken by Bernard.

                For me, Bernard, was someone who was able to piss me off so genuinely, that his words was so pure and true, that my state of being pissed off could last only few moments, as I was able to see what he is speaking, but yet, not following what I see for me I want to exactly, despite of fact that I simply had to agree of his words, as truth is simply truth and there are no versions.

                I was not able to stood up for me, expand my potential the way I am capable of, support me the way I am doable, and Bernard, did for me the most, but way that I will eventually come to the point of starting to see what process really is, what is standing for something, what it means to let go the past, who I am and why I am, how I created myself, I was never able to give up to introspect my past, me, who I as within my life,  why I was, my decisions and starting to sort out me.

                Bernard offered me life, as life what life really is. He offered my joy, freedom, patience, discipline, skills, abilities, wisdom, and truth, seeing, understanding, carrying, being, living, love, me.

                Sunnette offered me the same different way.

                I was curious, how come, someone can offer me so much and do not want anything back?

                Anu, Enlil, Enki, Marduk, Jack, Veno, MyKey, Winged, and others showed me existence beyond mind imagination, and thus I came through most shocking realizations about myself, shocking such way and so deeply, that nothing and no one has power to bullshit me about us, mankind.

                World, as it is, do not know, do not see, is not aware who Bernard was, and what this man, just one, was capable to proceed, and what he did for everyone equally, world do not know, what world lost with los of this man.

                But here are others, which are able to see his words, and these beings walk their processes, and thus message of equality and oneness will be spread to all parts of the world, and continue and live as we will live our words.

                Bernard, and his words, resonated within me and I had to investigate, I had to see for myself, I had to realize what his words means, I had to and thus I decided to go on way of Trial and Error, as I had to prove to me, how I work, who I am, why I am, what I created for me and which way of live I decided to live for me. The way I went through some points was so extreme, that I am sometimes surprised that I am still here, but yes I am. This was really not necessary, it was not required, I could choose more peaceful way, I could but I didn’t. I could many things and once Bernard said these words to me – “you could prevent this”. I was pissed off by these 4 words so much, because yet those words were true, but for me extremely painful, because many realizations came after fail but it was too late, too late go back and took on the point differently, make other decision, or change anything, once things are done, it is over, finite, end, past and nothing more just memory of what has been done.

                I was pissed off because of me seeing his words and what his words means, yet acting many times in direct opposite of what I saw for me. But to understand for me, what I act, the way I act, was so important and crucial that I risked my life many times for this, I risked everything and I lost everything and everyone, I lost all but nothing.

                Give up all to see you gave up nothing, I choose for me very rough way, full of pain, agony, regret, almost insanity, and it was only me who decided to walk my process such way, and nothing of this was necessary, but for me, because of point of decision, direction, to see and realize.

                To see points coming up from unconscious believes, formed in early stage of my life, was leading me to self-destruction, because of my benevolence.

                My benevolence, of letting my mind to decide, letting still my mind power, letting my mind to show me where I will go or will be if I let mind decide, was not quite beneficial decision for me, yet again same way crucial to came to decision, that this way, simply is no more way I want to live, by any means.

                I simply had enough some would be shocked and would not believe if I would write what I came through in last 2 years, and especially why.

                I could use many words, but only one describes everything best, EGO.

                After all and everything I have done unto me, I simply surrender walk and live my life as EGO. I see why and where I led me as EGO, fine, this is done. I capitulate and surrender as EGO.

                Bernard said about EGO so many points, and my investigation and living me as EGO was extreme, I was many relations of his words with and as my life, my decision, and again I came to realization and seeing his explanations, and what this all represents.

                Within this, I had to come to decisions for me, to re-take what has been by my benevolence let as points of direction for my mind, and to take all my power back to me, where this power as me as being as direction of me belongs.

                Mind had authority over me almost all my life, except within some specific points in last 6 years, and this authority is not where this belongs, as simply, it is useless and serve for nothing.

                Everything I have done, and came through will be not in vein, and everything of me as me will expand to the utmost potential possible.

                Vastness of dimensions of mind, looked difficult and hard to comprehend, to put everything together, yet I have proven that this is possible to walk and stand in equality and oneness.

                One of my decision is, that my blog will be no more public, as I have to go into every intricate detail of my mind, I have to go and see utmost seemingly irrelevant blink of my life, I have to go into each possible detail of me, everything I created myself as, because if I would not, I would be never able to complete what I decided to complete for me.

                Therefore, this is last blog which is displayed publicly, and new one will be created, where access to that blog will be given only to those, which are part of Desteni, walk their process, and are part of Leadership forum.

                If over time other blogs will be posted publicly, is part of future decision.

Thanks, Juraj

                

Procrastination – Bound me to the past

               Once I postponed very specific task, I had all day to complete it but I postponed and postponed, I knew what I am doing, I was aware that I will have to complete it anyway, the deadline was next day.

                I went out at the evening, and I still had this unfinished task in my mind, it popped up and still coming back to my mind, like words “ I have to finish that, I have to make sure I will complete it, I can’t go sleep – I need to finish it, I can’t stay here, I need to complete it, I need to complete it and make sure it is done” and at the places I was, and people I spoke with, still this words coming into my head, and even the words I spoke was about this unfinished task and that I have to complete it and that I can’t stay here and enjoy my presence.

                At the night, when I completed it and it was done, I saw what I allowed and accepted to myself, and how I allowed remaining in the past and not be here.

                As the procrastination is allowed, one is actually saying “ I would rather remain in the past as the past is what I am bound to and that is all what I know, I am giving my power away and I am giving this power to my mind as instance which is my dictator and which knows better where I should be, and it is in the past. “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself postpone and procrastinate tasks, things which I know needs to be done and completed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be bounded to the past through procrastination and postponement of tasks and issues which I can solve immediately and have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like postpone and procrastinate things and through this like remaining in the past and not be here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to test how far I can procrastinate and postpone things which need to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself define myself through and as my ability to postpone things and complete it at critical moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself enjoy postpone and procrastinate that which needs to be done and my very self definition and statement of ego that I will not do it now or immediately and that I can postpone it as this is my choice and thus remain in the past as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power away to my mind through postponement and procrastination as to instance which I allowed to be my dictator and thus remain in the past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make form my mind more than me through postponement and procrastination and thus diminish my self value, my direction and who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by the mind through postponement and procrastination and thus empower mind and take over me and remain in the past.

Thanks, Juraj

Power

                 It is interesting word from perspective, that if you want to have power, very other component has to be present within others, and that is fear. If fear exists, power exists. If fear do not exists, power do not exists.

                In my life, for some period I was in charge of managing working duties about 50 people. I was very aware, that I am equal to them and that I am not more and I am not less, we was on the same boat per say, just one difference was, that I had my office where I could create the scheme for duties and so, simply to decide who will do which work, etc, everything what was needed.

                Mostly, I allowed folks more things than to myself, and within this I realized that it is maybe impossible to satisfy from some group 100 percent of participants and the point, that how orders are made and communicated, have crucial impact for this satisfaction. Simply, how leader behave, share, communicate, have very strong impact within group, as group will always look on the leader and pinpoint everything possible about him.

                Once, as around me was about 20 people and we together participated on specific type of entertaining, and everyone enjoyed it, I decided to stop and change this entertaining according my will and everyone in the very moment had to submit to this decision as I was persona in charge.

                No one spoke a word, everybody silently submitted to my will, because of point of fear within them, what I will do against them if I am in charge and how I will behave and what consequences will be, if they will dare to stand and speak.

                I was curious within moment, as there was no point to fear me they knew that I never did against them anything which could damage/harm their lives and also I never had those intensions, and nevertheless they fear to stand up and speak. This just show how strong the fear is ingrained within human beings, how deeply the lives of humans are controlled by fear, and this fear has many layers.

                After few moments I said them that I go and that they can participate on that what they was doing before, I delegated another persona to be in charge and I left.

                This illusion of me in power, by paradox came from them because of their fear. The experience of power, to be in charge, could easily change ones perceptions, one can easily trap own life in this illusion of power, in illusion to be more, and that one can dictate and decide without questions.

                I could trap myself into that idea and believe that I have power over them, but I realized that this power is not real power, and thus I let it go, because real power is to when one decide to stand up speak, act, the way which is best for all. In this acting/behaving I see real power of individual.

                The power games took place many times within relationships, I experienced it and sometimes I wanted to have power over other persona, to do what I would like from this persona to do, lot of times it looks innocent, but it is not.

To abuse this power over weaker ones, is simple, but real persona will not abuse power, never.

And this illusion of power is as energy linked to ones ego, ones judgments and perceptions, and desires to be more than what one really is.

Thanks, Juraj

Me and water

                As a child, I had maybe 8-9 years, once I swam in the lake, not big one, but for me it was enough. Approximately in the middle of the lake, it was like losing power to continue, it became harder to control my muscles.

                It frightened me as I realized that if I’ll lose all strength I’ll drown. I saw people at the ground as people are tanning at the summer days and I wanted to scream on them and ask for help, but I even did not had strength to scream.

                So I realized that if I can’t ask for help and no one is around me to help me, it is me who have to help myself and it is me who have to do it and get all powers needed to get back on the ground.

                Thus I focused just only on that movement, on swimming, on muscles, breathe, nothing else. No fear, no useless anything, just me doing what’s necessary.

                I successfully get back on the ground, and at the same time I was really proud on myself, that I did it. No one knew this, no one I told to, why should I, it was just me and water.

                Thanks, Juraj

Man-I-pull-ate

                 There was a times, when I loved to manipulate others, because of my own falls, desires, needs and wants. I tried everything possible, to get what I wanted.

                Because the mind, wants, needs, desire so much, that have no problem to do everything, to abuse all powers one have, to get what mind needs.

                Question is, what is the object of desire, what is that what mind needs and wants? Energy fulfillment - That which is separated and needs to be received to create the illusions of receiving and fulfilling.

                And the mind will use the MAN as I to PULL the energy and ATE.

Thanks, Juraj