Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 82 : Relationships : I want to have money

                As I realized, many things in my life I did just because of the point of wanting to have the money, as I was short of. As I separated from the money, thus I created relationship with the money, as a perception that I do not have money, even when I had, and thus wanting and desiring to have money.

                When I was a child, my father usually took away from me, and thus what I perceived is mine, was never mine as always I had to give it away, thus the relationship I created with the money within me, was that I do not have money, and even when I had, thus that those money will be taken away from me, or that someone will take away those money, as the perception of my father.

                The financial education I got from my parents, was so poor, that relationship I created within me towards money as a point of separation from money, is and was simply disaster. I lacked always to consider money just as support of myself within my environment, and I always lacked to see money as me and simply as a tool to support me. I wanted to have it, even I was not aware why, but mostly because money was always taken away from me. Thus I wanted and desired to want to have something which was always taken away, as I never understood why, why my father behaved the way he did, and why I couldn’t have and use the money I worked for, even as a child I worked for money, and I never had anything from that.

                The perception, and seeing money as something, which will be always taken away from me, led me through many years of struggle of using of money, as therefore I used them the most inappropriate ways, as I always had within me this believe, that anyway I will lost them, or that money will be taken away from me, thus many times I wanted to spend money as soon as possible, directed by this perception and believe, that anyway I will not have them, and that I will lose them, or that it is not allowed for me to have money and thus use it the effective ways for myself.

                Interestingly, how I fucked myself through my childhood, and the perception of using money and handling them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that when I have money that this money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and thus create within me the relationship towards the money as a perception, idea and believe that I want them to have and handle, but within this fear that anyway money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not allowed to have money or use money or handle money for that what I need to support myself within my environment.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that when I have money, thus this money will be taken away from me and thus I will be short of again.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be pissed of my father that he always took away from myself the money I worked for, and that he do not allow me to use it the way I would like.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see money as a tool for supporting myself within the environment I live in and use them the ways which supports me to be able to live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry with my father as the point of separation myself from him and from money he always took away from me, and thus create within me the idea, perception and believe, that I am not worthy to handle money, to have money, to use money for that I would like to support myself and be able buy things for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that money are evil and bad because father always took money away from me, and thus perceive that money is something wrong, and thus judge myself for using, handling, and having money as I am doing something bad and wrong and thus I should be punished, where I create the perception, idea and believe that I should be punished for having the money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 21 : Super EGO - I manipulated you all

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                Today morning, as I was moving from flat I was quite calm, as my days started to be like relaxing moments as I started to enjoy my process, from perspective when I started to see that I can really change and that I can change for real.

                As I moved through the town and came to the office, the thought came up within me “ I manipulated you all “, firstly I was like frightened within me, like what the fuck this thought is? Then I calm down myself, as I see here is no reason to judge it, or make from it more that what it is, just thought, I didn’t speculated about the thought by itself, but I just became curious in meaning, how even come that this thought come up, what this thought really means, and what it says about myself.

                My frightening was because of the very question, did I really manipulated all in meaning with my words, actions, writings, people here, everything I know and perceive, it was just my manipulation?

                To this thought was like connected to sense of to be more, but then I realized, how the mind with the thoughts is amazingly tricky and how fast I can go into a great shit creation within me.

                I applied SF on the thought by itself, and then I realized, how the very allowance and acceptance of thought is creating whole new complex scenario within oneself, starting with more/less play out, sense and perception, additional thought which can be connected to this, judgments, needs, desires, simply like whole new persona/character creation just of allowance of just one single thought.

                As I looked on this thought, I saw how this is based on nothing, as there is no evidence in my life that I could really manipulated all beings, or that everything I said was just for sake of manipulation of everything what I wrote, or even that realization could be manipulation. No. Thus I searched within me if I will find anything relevant to this, it was like to scan within me what I said, starting points of my actions, my writing, what I wrote, why I wrote, with whom I was with, why I was with that persona, what I spoke about, what directed me or if I directed the conversations, when and how I allowed the energy to direct me, my dishonesties, and I found nothing and I start to laugh on myself and I start to enjoy my day.

                Thus the very thought: “ I manipulated you all “ – connected sense to be more than others but seeing that it is not real.

                Why sense to be more? Coming from like unconscious comparison with others which see “ less and realize “ less. Why comparing with those who see and realize less? Te be able to create the point of to be more. Why not comparing with those who see and realize more? Because I do not see and realize what they see and realize thus like not able to compare. Also the point not able to compare what it means to see and realize all and everything within moment here as I see that I am bit far from that point.

                Why want to create the point of to be more? To charge and recreate the ego, better said the super ego of me, where the abilities would be abused and used just for sake of charging the ego and getting the energy and making more and more from myself and create the perception of others to be less and not worthy.

                Why to recreate the ego as super ego of me? To have “ option “ and ability to destroy, demolish, diminish, and eventually lead myself to complete fall of myself in all aspect of me and turn to complete dishonesty, separation, where the statement: Fuck you fucking fuckers would be the motto of my life.

                As I looked on this, it is quite interesting, where and how can one simple thought lead, what can one simple thought create, and what could be the outcome of allowance such thought and of course, consequences of one’s living based on thoughts.

                Let’s stop each thought, it create really nice fuck-ups.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of comparison with those who see and realize less than me to get the valid platform for creation the point of to be more than others and perceive myself more than them and be able to see them less and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of recreation of my super ego where I would use my abilities, realizations, understanding and seeing as a point of abuse, dishonesty, separation, and making from myself more than others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a very desire to want to be more than others and thus can feel better about me and not have to look within me at my own dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point for creation of better feeling about myself and creating the sense of to be more than others as a reason and validation why I can remain fucked within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of separation from everyone and everything where all are seen as less than me and thus charge my super ego with energy and thus creating and getting energy for myself from this allowance and acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of to me more than others and perceived as winner in competition where winner gets all and looser loose all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point for validation of polarity as more than/less than and want and desire to be in the side of to be more than.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of perception of myself that because I am able to be more effective within my living thus I have to be more than those who struggle in their lives and have miserable lives.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a comparison with others and wanting to see myself as more than them and through this giving my mind the power to compare.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of existing comparison within me as a secret competition within others to be a winner and to be a more than them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of validation of my ego that I am so good manipulator that I am capable to manipulate all, instead of realizing that this is just illusion of my mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of wanting to validate my ability to manipulate and thus wanting to create the perception of being one who can be able to manipulate all.

I commit myself to stop all manipulation.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 8 : Ego, Energy go, I go – I am separated

                Who is this I as Ego, What is this I as Ego, Ego as Energy as energy moving and going from there and back and forth and moving, seeking, searching where can get more energy to experience the bliss and drink this energy and apparently think that this energy experience energy is real.

                That is me as Ego, me as energy movement, separated just because of energy creation and self definitions to this energy.

                The thought is the very origin of any energy experience but the thought can be stopped. Thus energy creation can be stopped. Thus energy experience can be stopped it will even be not experienced as it will be not created thus it will never come and thus no one can say it is real as it was never created and experienced.

                Thus if I allow the very thought and from this thought create energy as Ego as me I believe I am, am I real? Is this real? How can be if this can be stopped?

                Therefore, it means, simply, that this I, me as Ego, all I know and ever thought about myself, can be stopped and therefore will be no more real. If this all about me can be stopped, thus will be not created and thus will be not real and will not come. If the I as energy can be stopped, because this I was created and developed according thoughts, thus this I can be stopped and be no existent, nothing, diminished, as never allowed to be.

                Therefore, I as Ego as Energy, I am not real. I can’t be as I can be stopped. If I stop the I as energy, what will therefore remain? If that what is not real can be stopped, thus that what is real should remain. What is than real about me, what is this me, this I as I am?

                Can I even say that I am? How can be I sure that I am if all I know is this I based on thoughts? Did I ever experienced myself as who I really am? Or all was just energy experiences and thus never real experience of me as who I really am?

                If the thought can be stopped and if energy can be stopped and if I can release myself from energy experience and let it go thus the real I will remain, the real me, who I really am will remain and it will be not possible be stopped as what remain must be real.

                Thus what I have to stop? Everything I know, each thought and each energy experience as this blinds me that I even can’t see who I really am as I even can’t experience myself as who I really am.

                I separated from myself as energy experiences and fluctuations within me in believing that this experiences are experiences of me, it is not so. It is not me and it is not experience of me, it is not who I really am, it is just what I thought what it should be or what it is or what it can be, and it is just the judgment of energy and judgment what this energy is in and within polarity of the mind I allowed and accepted to myself to live.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself judge energy as polarity as bad and good.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself exist within and as mind judgment of energy as bad and good in separation from energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experiences as negative and positive are real experiences of me as who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself define myself according energy experiences as negative and positive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I need and require energy to function and exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself desire energy and energy experiences and became addicted on it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to move according energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to express myself according energy experiences.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to abuse myself and manipulate myself within and as believe that I need and require energy for myself to live and function and exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to deceive myself with believe that I need to experience energy to feel that I am or that I exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself that I need to feel and experience energy as a prove that I am and that I exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experiences are that what makes me alive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experiences is that what is worth to live for.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to deceive others according my energy experiences.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy is all what I am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that what makes me alive is energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can’t experience myself and express myself if I do not experience energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as polarity of the mind as judgment of energy as positive and thus as desire/need I want and require this energy and as judgment of energy as negative and thus not likeness/disgust/fear towards this energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that if I will have no energy thus I will not exist.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that if all my energy will deplete that I will deplete as well.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will no more experience myself if I will let go energy as my self definition towards energy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself fear to experience myself as who I really am in believing that energy experiences are real experiences of me.

I commit myself to investigate each energy experience I had/have and release myself from this experience.

Thanks, Juraj