Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 40 : Fear of oversleep - Fear rules

                 Due to the various points in my past when I had some schedule for a day and thus I had to wake up to be on time at certain places, I developed within me quite amount of fear that I will not be able to wake up and thus meet the schedule I had to.

                When I started to going to school, it was the first times this fear emerged as fear of consequences when I will not came to school on time, fear of parents and their reactions and fear of teacher and their reaction on me being late to school, and therefore consequences of being late as being punished various way in front of my parents and in front of school system.

                This continues within me whole my life, where the alarm clocks have to be in place to be able to wake up, after some period I was simply not be able to even wake up after clock start to ring, thus I started to use two different alarm clocks, one scheduled at one time and second at different one, both alarm clock set up with function of repeating the ringing, both alarms at two different places to make me to do some action to stop them when I wake up and thus make me to awake.

                This fear is always triggered within the point that next day I will have to wake up till certain time, otherwise I am fucked and thus when I oversleep this time I am fucked and have to solve consequences of this oversleeping, which basically happened to me so many times, and by paradox I never wanted to create them, in my life, I was so many times asked why I came late, and always I had to repeat different points why I am late, especially to school or to work, mostly just few minutes, thus this means what makes me to finally to come to decision to wake up from bed and move myself is fear of consequences of being late.

                Sometimes, when I forgot to set up alarms for morning, at my surprise I woke up immediately at the morning, without any resistance within me, completely fresh, awaken and fresh all my day. I noticed, when I wake up with the breath, whole my day is simply different in comparison of when I wake up within and as through the mind as fear, when at the morning even thought came up, just next five minutes, I always see that within that I am fucked because I am making my waking up as process and thus whole my day is from this perspective fucked, really fucked.

                I can say, I am bit pissed off about it, as this oversleeping serve me for nothing, never ending story of repeating the same shit. Many times, I even fear to go to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep with fear that I will not wake up on time at the morning and with fear that I will sleep more than 6 hours.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to go to sleep with fear that when I will not wake up till certain time thus I will be punished in front of system thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go sleep as fear that I will not wake up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go sleep where this going to sleep is perceived as losing myself thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to go to sleep as fear of dying as fear that I will die when I go sleep and that I will not wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear sleeping and to fear to go sleep as perception of myself of dying and not being here thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as perception that when I sleep I do not know where I am or who I am thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as fear that I will die and not longer awake from sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear sleeping as not having power over me as point of decision when and how I will wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to sleep as point of not being in power and in charge of myself, instead of realizing that sleeping is just process which my body require to rest and function within the world and thus I have to allow myself to go sleep and rest as relax for my physical body where my body requires this rest because I am using the body whole day as the mind and thus physical need this rest from me as the mind where I am not equal and one with my body and directing myself within system as one but just as a parasite as a mind where I use my body as a tool for getting what I want as energy as and energy addict where my movements are according the memories of me as the mind as pictures as relationships between pictures stored within and as me and energy connections to this pictures where I build of this pictures whole schema of myself as characters as personas where I perceive and think this characters and personas are me, instead of realizing that this is all hoax I am allowing and accepting for myself to live in, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up at the morning as a persona and character of myself within and as my mind where I activate all my memories stored within my physical body as flesh as memories of my life as memories of my past which is not here anymore thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create myself and move myself according memories of my past where the fear is the trigger point of my waking up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up as memory activator at the morning where I need to access the memories from my past as schema of consequences when I will not wake up thus fear those consequences and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up just only in sake of fear when I generate within me enough fear at the morning to make myself to move and wake up and move myself from bed as fear of consequences I will create if I will not wake up and oversleep the certain time I need to go out from bed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will not wake up at the morning because of perception that I have no power over me when and how I can wake up from state of sleeping, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power over me to my mind and let mind to decide when I can wake up instead of realizing that my physical body is still just in the bed and resting thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior towards my mind and thus that mind is more then me because I do not know how to wake up from the state of sleeping thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget how to wake up within and as my breath when my body is rested and relaxed and just move myself out of bed within moment as breath as my body equal and one, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I have to use alarm clocks to remind me when is time to wake up instead of being equal and one with my body and wake up when my body is rested and refreshed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that when I will sleep less then 6 hours I will not be rested properly and that my body will be tires instead of realizing and seeing that just only mind will not be rested and replenished and I am not the mind but my body resting in the bed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that tiredness of the mind where I perceive this tiredness within and as my head is tiredness of me instead of realizing and seeing that it is not real just feeling in the head of the mind where mind is not replenished successfully and thus wanting to make me sleep more.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear that I will not be able to wake up at the morning without accessing the memories of my past and generating the energy as fear to make myself to move out of bed and wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that without energy I will not be able to wake up instead of seeing and realizing that this is of the mind and I am not the mind as I am the physical body and this body do not need to fear to wake up and do not need the energy to wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make my waking up as process of generating fear through and as the mind to make myself move out of bed thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wake up within and as fear as energy requirement to move as mind and directing my world within and as fear and thus living the day in fear as starting point of my waking up is fear of consequences when I will not wake up thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to based my living and participating in this world on fear and as fear and doing that where fear is generated thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to existing just only as a generator of fear and moving myself due to the memories where and how fear can be generated and thus direct myself to the points within my world where the fear as energy can be replenished and stored and define myself to this energy as addict of living based on energy as fear thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to access and trigger within my world the points and places where the fear can be generated, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live in constant search for generating the fear within and as me and thus live as zombie in fear and moving myself just because of fear where self movement is forgotten thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget what and how I can move myself without the fear and without the energy as fear I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget what it is to live without the fear but rather needs and require this fear to moves me thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to let mind direct me within and as energy as fear and not standing up for myself as my physical body where no fear is required to move myself equal and one with the flesh as physical as breath as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj