Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 82 : Relationships : I want to have money

                As I realized, many things in my life I did just because of the point of wanting to have the money, as I was short of. As I separated from the money, thus I created relationship with the money, as a perception that I do not have money, even when I had, and thus wanting and desiring to have money.

                When I was a child, my father usually took away from me, and thus what I perceived is mine, was never mine as always I had to give it away, thus the relationship I created with the money within me, was that I do not have money, and even when I had, thus that those money will be taken away from me, or that someone will take away those money, as the perception of my father.

                The financial education I got from my parents, was so poor, that relationship I created within me towards money as a point of separation from money, is and was simply disaster. I lacked always to consider money just as support of myself within my environment, and I always lacked to see money as me and simply as a tool to support me. I wanted to have it, even I was not aware why, but mostly because money was always taken away from me. Thus I wanted and desired to want to have something which was always taken away, as I never understood why, why my father behaved the way he did, and why I couldn’t have and use the money I worked for, even as a child I worked for money, and I never had anything from that.

                The perception, and seeing money as something, which will be always taken away from me, led me through many years of struggle of using of money, as therefore I used them the most inappropriate ways, as I always had within me this believe, that anyway I will lost them, or that money will be taken away from me, thus many times I wanted to spend money as soon as possible, directed by this perception and believe, that anyway I will not have them, and that I will lose them, or that it is not allowed for me to have money and thus use it the effective ways for myself.

                Interestingly, how I fucked myself through my childhood, and the perception of using money and handling them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that when I have money that this money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and thus create within me the relationship towards the money as a perception, idea and believe that I want them to have and handle, but within this fear that anyway money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not allowed to have money or use money or handle money for that what I need to support myself within my environment.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that when I have money, thus this money will be taken away from me and thus I will be short of again.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be pissed of my father that he always took away from myself the money I worked for, and that he do not allow me to use it the way I would like.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see money as a tool for supporting myself within the environment I live in and use them the ways which supports me to be able to live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry with my father as the point of separation myself from him and from money he always took away from me, and thus create within me the idea, perception and believe, that I am not worthy to handle money, to have money, to use money for that I would like to support myself and be able buy things for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that money are evil and bad because father always took money away from me, and thus perceive that money is something wrong, and thus judge myself for using, handling, and having money as I am doing something bad and wrong and thus I should be punished, where I create the perception, idea and believe that I should be punished for having the money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 80 : Separation – I am more, because I see more

                Within this thought which came up here, I realized, that over time as I walk my process, I see that people around me are like blind, like deaf, aware so little even if, as I see within me this point, overtime I started like to think and believe about me that I am more because I am aware more.

                Yes, I am aware more in regards of point of how I function, what I see and what are my actions, what I realized about me so far, but I can say, this all do not make from myself more than any other being here.

                I can’t be more in anyway what so over, as all and everything is me, thus I can’t be more than me. I am me, and not matter in which body what I realized so far, as within the mind of man, for some people is impossible to realize anything thus those are innocent from perspective of their abdication of self responsibility to such extent, and believe in mind that they completely and entirely gave power to their minds.

                This also do not mean that they can abuse, manipulate and harm the ways they do, but they do not see it, they do not realize it, they are no aware what they are really doing as it is impossible for them.

                Thus I can only assist and support, to show and reveal what is here, what we as humanity allowed to do onto each other, and thus eventually stop this system of abuse and annihilation of mankind, as within this, we are annihilating life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought that I am more because I see more, instead of see and realize that do not matter what I see or realize for myself, that I am always equal and one with everyone and everything which exists.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can make from myself more than others when I will see and realize for myself more, instead of see and realize that through this I am comparing myself with myself and thus judge myself and exist within and as mind polarity design more than/ less than and through this I am participating on system of inequality of myself and accepting the system of inequality as me, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to the mind design as less than / more than as mind polarity design as system of inequality, instead of stop and see and realize for myself who I am here as breath, as life, as my physical body, as equal and one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that comparison is always judgment of myself and that within this I start to judge people on those who see and realize for themselves and those who do not see and realize anything and through this participate on system and design of more than and less than as mind system design of inequality as those who walk their process I started to see as more than others, instead of stop and see and realize that no one within all existence is more than others or less than others but I am always equal with everything and everyone and thus when I see that I can assist and support someone within moment here, thus I do so.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought that because I see more thus I am more than other, instead of see and realize that I see more just only because I pushed myself and start to walk my process and that those who didn’t walked anything thus they have no chance to realize for themselves anything, thus the fact that they do not see and realize is state of their minds, thus I stop, I see and realize for myself that I am equal to each being here, that because I am walking my process I am not more and never will be, that because I see and realize for myself some points and play outs thus it do not mean that I am more or less, I stop to participate on less / more design and when and as I face the situation or attempt to make from myself more than others, I stop and breathe and release myself from such idea, believe, through self forgiveness.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 77 : Relationships : Pictures, sex and energy

                The believe that sexual energy is of pictures comes from the point when I experienced this first time, and thus this believe has been supported over years within me, as each time I got excited thus it was because of pictures I saw without or as ideas, believes and projections within my mind. Anyway it was still the pictures and the relationships I created within me towards this shapes.

                Thus believe that sex is of pictures and of energy and of excitement and release come from the period of developing myself as a mind and thus my enslavement and inferiority towards the mind, as energy slave and energy addict, because, obviously, I thought to myself everything of that was real experiences of me, myself, and that this was the way I should perceive myself.

                Simply, delusions over delusions and forgetting who I am within that.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that sex and sexuality is of pictures, of shapes, of perceptions , ideas and believes within me created because of believe that because I experienced energy within me, in my penis and in my body in front of picture and seeing of this picture as naked female body, that thus this experience is real experience of me, instead of seeing and realizing that it was of the mind as what mind operates with are pictures and energies as relationships towards this pictures as acceptance and allowance of ideas and believes, what sex should be, what possible sex can be, and what possible is sexual expression, instead of see and realize for myself that mind always try to interpret and comprehend what that or this could be, because of separation and its very own design of running on energy and thus trying and attempting to get always possible the energy to sustain itself and thus keep me entrapped and enslaved in illusion of experiences as energy movements within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from shapes, pictures, colors and presentation as picture of female body, where I start to relate and refer to this picture of female body and create within me likeness or dislike according society norms and controls of what is possibly beautiful, what is possibly acceptable, what is possibly nice and sexy, what I should like and where and when I should experience energy as sexual excitement, according ideas and believe that sexuality is of pictures and of that what I can see through my physical eyes and from this pictures create within me the energy and energy movement and thus move accordingly of this energy as energy addict and zombie in believe that this energy is something magnificent, cool and that I need it, want it as I saw that everybody around me is speaking about this and how cool it is an what they experiences are and according that I started to create within me the ideas and believes that it could be really cool to experience sex and have sex with the female and thus follow accordingly the creation of ideas and believes within my mind about sex, and what this sex and energy could be, instead of stop, see and realize for myself that it is trap of the mind how to enslave myself into generating the energy and thus sustain the mind and sustain control over my life, instead of see, comprehend, understand and realize, that simply when I stop, thus I stop and if anything move within me, thus it have to be of the mind and thus it is not real, because when I stop, thus I stop absolute.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself separate myself from picture and presentation of female body and thus think and believe that I need to be in presence of picture of female body, that I require and need to look and see female body and through this generate the energy for myself in and as believe that this energy as sexual excitement is something cool and pleasurable and that I need it and want it, not seeing and realizing for myself that through such acceptances and allowance I am consuming myself as my body through my mind, and thus diminishing and dishonoring myself as flesh ,as that what it real because of believe in illusion and thus wanting and attempting to make from that what is real an illusion because of believe that this illusion is real, not seeing and realizing g that I fooled myself and deluded myself completely through the mind, as I accepted and allow to my mind direct me through ideas, believes and perception about sex, what sex could be, and with believe that because I experienced energy and judged this energy as cool and create within me likeness that thus this energy is something worth to live for, not seeing and realizing the consequences of such acceptances and allowances, that through this I am allowing and giving my mind the power to consume and eat my body as flesh, destroy and diminish my body as physical, that through this I am allowing my mind to exist as a parasite and me just observing and letting my mind to rape my body and doing nothing with that because of believe and addition of this energy as obsession and possession of me as me, that this is life and living me, not realizing that it is so called life of the mind, but mind is not of the life but of the program as perfect design how to trap myself through my own acceptance and allowances into a believe that it is me who decide and that it is me who move not realizing that I deluded myself within this believe, that it was always my mind who moved me because followed and accepted the script and program of the mind as code of getting the energy and sustaining the energy of empowering itself and having power over me through my own addiction, through my own inferiority where I allowed to kneel down in front of my mind and say – My mind, here I am use me each way possible and I will sere you as a perfect slave, and you will get as much energy as possible until I die – instead of standing up absolute within me, standing up and merge myself with and as the mind completely and entirely as mind, as equal and one with the mind and thus see and realize myself each movement of the mind , each attempt of the mind how mind wants to direct me, and thus say stop and stand up and stop, to stop me each moment, each experience of the mind as energy stop, to take back my power as who I am as life, and thus became equal and one with my body as physical as flesh h as who I really am as life here, within and as the breath of life, instead of stop all separation within me and stop all relationships within me and investigate search and test each ways possible myself and release myself from all my own acceptance and allowances and do not allow to my mind to direct me anymore, as mind is perversion towards the life and do not deserve any respect, as what is of system do not deserve to exist as system is parasite of the life, and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became the parasite of life and abusing, killing and maintain the life just as a tool for getting the energy for myself in believe that it is for myself not seeing and realizing that it was always for my mind, and thus I allowed to kill life for energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from pictures of female bodies, to separate myself from female legs, hips, body front as pelvic area and belly, the hands, breasts and chest, the neck and face and hair and thus think and believe that I need to create the relationships within me towards the points I separated myself from, not seeing and realizing that all what I need is to stop all separation of myself from myself to be able to realize and see who I am here as physical as life as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that because I experienced energy as sexual excitement within my body and within my penis while looking and seeing female body as a doll and naked female body, that this energy experience is real experience of me and thus create within me the likeness toward this energy and separate myself from this energy because of believe and perception that it is something which I like, need and want experience, not realizing for myself that I fall into a trap of the mind of killing and abusing the flesh and physical and destruction of the physical as a program where existence of the mind is simply destruction of physical, thus destruction of me and destruction of life, not seeing and realizing that within me fall in and ass a trap of the mind, into a believe that I decide what I do, when and how, is exactly what mind wanted to myself to believe in, that it was me and not the mind as programmed system as a design of creation of enslavement and abuse and separation.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself form pictures of female asses and perceive the female as a tool for getting and generating the sexual energy within me and connect the ideas and believes and perception how it could be to touch female as, how it look, al the shapes possible and thus according my own brainwashing even judge female asses as bad, good, nice, ugly , I want / I do not want, and from this create within me the relationship and desires and believes how it could be to touch, kiss, or fuck into and as female ass from behind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from females and thus start to accept the living as separated entity from females as ego of the mind and think and believe that I need females, that I like females, that I desire to be with females, instead of see and realize that anything as movement, as energy, as desire, as believe, as ides, as projection, as fear, as anxiety, as nervousness is of the mind, instead of see the points within me directly and instantaneously and thus forgive myself and let go living in the mind as zombie as a weak addict of energy because of believe that I can’t move myself without this energy, that I need it and require it, instead of stand up and not more allow to perceive myself as weak, or that weakness exist, instead of each moment to stop, to stop till the moment I stop as absolute silence of me, until I stop as absolute direction as who I am as life here to stop everything and anything which mind use to move myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fall into and as mind believe that the experience of energy moment as excitement as sexual energy is real experience of me and thus think and believe that sex is about energy and thus act and move accordingly requirements of my mind for getting and generating this energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe and create within me the idea s about sex and sexuality and what sex could possibly be, through separation myself from myself, from my physical body, and thus create within me the relationships towards the pictures of female body as a point of my separation from myself and thus start to relate and refer to this point and move according the requirements of the mind for getting the energy to sustain itself, instead of standing up for myself and see and realize that any energy requirement is simply attempt to move me as a slave ,a  puppet, as a tool and that I am not that, that I am not the system, I am not the mind, I am not of the mind, I am of life, of physical, of breath, equal and one with everything which exist within and without.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself separate myself form female body as a picture and thus think and believe that sex and sexuality is of experiences I created within me as energy movements when I touch female body, instead of expressing myself here as physical, instead of move myself here as physical, as breath of live and express and live myself as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the relationship toward females and pictures of females instead of standing equal and one with and as pictures of females as me, as females as being, as females as life, as females as me and not allow and accept nothing less or more then equality of me, in me, as me, with me, here as breath of life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself separate myself form females and from pictures of females and thus use this as a point of energy creation for myself as a energy addict, as a energy zombie and energy slave, and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself through the separation of myself to abuse, to use, and manipulate the females into a point of getting the energy for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from female breasts, hands, chest, neck, face, hairs, eyes, lips, nose, ears and towards this point create within me the relationships and perceptions of likeness of dislikes according society brainwashing propaganda to think and believe that everything within me of energy is real experience of me, that it is me experiencing me, that I need and require to live this ideas and believes and projections ,that I need to remain separated from myself and all thus allow and accept to abuse myself through act of thinking, act of allowing the desires, needs, and want to direct me as a puppet in and through believe that it is me who decide.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect towards females picture of eyes, lips, nose, ears, face, neck, breast, hands, chest, belly, legs, pelvic area, vagina, hips, the sexual energy, the likeness, the idea and believe that I need and require to touch, to experience this energy and to connect to this the feeling of love as likeness towards the picture I can see through my physical eyes, instead of see and realize that I  accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with my eyes, that I deceived and deluded with the pictures I can see, because I separated myself from myself and thus allowed to abuse and use the females according my own fall and addiction within and as mind, where I just followed the written experiences , already pre-programmed to keep me enslave and trapped within the illusion of energy, illusion of life, instead of stop, see and realize for myself that I am here as breath, as life, as physical and that’s all and everything I am, nothing less, nothing more, me here.

 Thanks, Juraj