Day 166 : Me accept me

                I made a lot of struggles for me, I created many pains for me, I made walls in front of me, I chained me and I slaved me. I locked me in the past but desired future, feared future because I was seeing what I am doing onto me and I do not stood for me the way I am capable of, I mean, not just in and as the points I saw clearly thus I stood those points, but stood entirely as who I am.

                I had many back doors within me as excuses as attempts to run away and let behind me all the pains and worries and fears and I wanted to stop but I didn’t stopped the way I am capable of.

                I saw me and I saw many me’s and I saw what I am capable of and I saw all my evil hidden in front of me for decades. And the moments I realized each moment is the decision of who I am, my life became more peaceful despite the necessity of consequences created to come, no matter what and how I changed, consequences had to run and show me, me.

                I was in search for me and once I realized who I am as all as one, I started to fear me, I started to fear my real me as who I am as entire existence, I do not wanted to be as who I really am. The hugeness of responsibility shocked me, I remained shaken and I do not wanted to take responsibility for me, for me as all.

                I created this separated idea about me as individual, it was never real, but this idea, this believes provided me that what I wanted, thus “living” as individual as some I – I defined and I made fences and facades to keep this idea, to maintain my life and maybe possibly to be able to live somehow, not wanting to take responsibility, not wanting to step in as direction of me entirely, absolute, as who I am as life.

                I saw no reason why it should be me, why I should give up all this illusions and all points of my precious ego, despite the fact I realized that maintain any is utmost degree bullshits. I wanted to have and keep my life, which in fact never existed, nothing of my life exists, life exists as life, and that’s it.

                I do not wanted to accept all me’s as all variations and forms of life I am, I do not wanted to be the life, because I wanted to keep this illusion of my life. I wanted to keep things go according some prepared possibilities but I was wrong. I was all time wrong about my life, because my life does not exist.

                Everything I believed, projected was separation from me as life as all, to keep this little illusion of my life.

                I was choosing which points I will stand and which not, mostly those which I was absolute sure and clear about, but I was postponing my standing in very specific points as possibly shortcuts of getting out of the mess I was creating for decades and preparing things to be though.

                I thought it is you and me and that we are more than one, but I was wrong as life is one. Life is one and oneness of life is who I am I do not wanted stand for, because I feared responsibility for me, because within this everything change. And I saw moment by moment, what I am in fact accepting, what misery of life I created by my ignorance of me and turning the blind eye everywhere, because of not wanting to accept me as life as who I am.

                I thought I have to be something else, I searched for me but ignoring me in front of my eyes, because through the mind everything looks more sexy, more acceptable, more valid, more real, more true, funny is, never was. Nothing of the mind is true or valid, nothing of the mind is real, not voice, not feelings, not emotions, simply nothing. No single point of mind matches reality, because mind is not of reality. Mind is made of ideas and believes, and that’s my story of so called my life, which never existed.

                Story of ideas and believes about me, I found out none was valid. I was wrong millions times, physical was not wrong one single time.

                Physical, is always right.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 155 : Fear of future – Anxiety terror

                Many years ago, I placed myself into a situation where fear of future, as a projection of no ability to pay for stuff I had to pay took place, and I experienced anxiety within me, terrorizing myself with this experience and over some period of time, this anxiety has been suppressed within me as I had no idea how to resolve that, how come I experienced such negative emotion, how I created it, what was the cause, what directed me, why and who I was within such situation.

                After such experience, this fear of future, as anxiety as projection remained ingrained within me, and therefore part of me, me living with this anxiety even not noticing this, as I suppressed this. This was maybe 15 years ago. I blamed myself, I judged myself.

                As years start to passing, I was living the “ordinary life” from certain perspective, in meaning, living as energetic robot exactly the same way as all do, as I thought this is the way life should be.

But this projection, this fear of future, this experience of anxiety, and my self definition to this anxiety  as energetic experience I lived and this hunted me, I hunted the anxiety, I hunted myself to experience anxiety, as possibly this was the strongest energetic experience within me connected to money and my self responsibility, where I throw away responsibility for myself in this point because of hope for the best, as I even was still aware where this lack of responsibility could lead me. I do not wanted to confront myself with this point, I do not wanted to see this point, and this point was crucial for me to solve, but I didn’t, as the anxiety as fear of future I lived and became it.

As years passed, this experience of anxiety, very specific as a point of projection to the future as a fear and worry that I will have no money to pay for that what I have to, took place many times, as my lack of handling money because of vast amount of points within me connected to this experience of anxiety, I was not able to see what and why I am doing by any means, because the amount of layers, connections and points related to this was really massive.

After certain period, I started to realize, that I have a big problem with this, that this controls me extensively, but the real question why, was many years not understood and seen. As I started to solve this point, and wanted to solve this, I fall to stood it so many times, that I started to think and believe that I am not possibly able to stand this point, and thus I have to remain fallen forever. But this is not so.

After accumulated anxiety, stress and nervousness I created within me, became by paradox the terror of me by me, because I became addicted to this energy experience, I became thirsty for this energy, even I saw what I do, how and where this can lead me, but I was no able to hear any advices, any suggestions, and I almost always did the opposite of the suggestions I got for this point, because the energy as anxiety created by me, me defined to this energy became my living, my precious energy, my precious fear of the future, my loving one I became, my love of this energy.

Yes, I loved my fear, I loved my anxiety, I loved this energy as I created positive perception, positive seeing of this energy, because of sense of experiencing something, thus in believe I live, even this experience was negative, lead me almost to self destruction, almost because I am still here.

Why I had such struggle to walk this point, is because I never wanted to give up the energy experience I got from this, despite the fact how much bullshits I created because of this, despite the fact and seeing how useless my actions are, despite the fact I saw the destruction of me I am creating, the energy I got was my loving one. To love own fear, even love and fear are illusions is extensive fuck up one can accept and allow within self, and to get out of this, is the same way terrific experience, because it is me who have to simply give up living this energy, it is me who have to give up this self definition towards this specific fear as anxiety I became living and accepting as me.

To complete the understating of fuck up I created within me, as point of anxiety and why that is, is that I became to fear to give up my own fear, because I became living and loving this.

It would take me many days to explain how much bullshits I created because of this fear, but this is done. I do not judge myself anymore for this, and I do not see the past of me as my fall, even in some periods I lived in constant fall.

After years of accepting and accumulating this specific anxiety, specific fear as energy experience, I manipulated myself to such extreme situation, where my mind almost took over me completely when I realized, where I really lead myself, and one moment in the mind was the most terrific experience I ever experienced, from perspective of massive amount of this anxiety.

And thus I breathe, and as I jump into a mind, even projection, even thought, even everything is anxiety, the fear and this experience is so overwhelming, that I am not able to move myself, I am paralyzed and I am glad I am able to breathe.

I am looking for savior for myself to get out of this anxiety, I am looking for someone to help me out of this, but this is no possible, as I created this, only I can stop this and release myself from such bullshit.

This experience, few weeks ago, is so extensive, so massive, I can’t explain this by words as this was beyond and words, and I would suggest anyone to do not lead oneself to such extreme as I did, as it is really not worthy.

The point is, that is much more cool to release self from such deception mind is, than do the opposite and accumulate the energy within self, as the experience one will lead oneself to is really not worth it, and can possibly be destructive.

As I was walking many points, many self definitions and many fears, by paradox, this specific anxiety and fear of future I was accumulating within me, this one, this most precious one I really never wanted to give up and stand up.

Another point is, that simply I have to, I have to give up all fears as if I would not, I will never free myself and I will never be able living example of trustworthy being if I will not give up all fears of me I became living, addicted to and loving.

It is paradox that I loved my fears, and I wanted to give up all, except this one, as this one, was the most impressive, most strong, and most powerful fear I experienced ever, thus everything else was like nothing in comparison of this fear.

We, humans, live in fear, and we love our fears, because we have no “ idea” what it could be, how amazing life really is, if we gave up all our fears and start to live for real.

Fear, by any means, is not real, it is not real experience, and it is not worthy to follow this, because each fear, is a fall of self, where self accept separation and submission towards the mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 151 : Inner Anger – Believing in system

                Last days, I started to experience various multiple points, and the major one is my inner anger towards myself because I trusted to the system, because I trusted the mind, my mind and the mind of others.

                I realized that nothing is possible to be trusted, and everything have to be questioned every way possible to do not fuck up with myself anymore. I saw people lying to me directly, and even they maybe do not noticed they did, but I had within me this anger towards me, that I fall into this trap of the mind.

                The deception of the mind is so extensive, that walk points by points seems to be sometimes never ending journey, but yes one moment this will eventually stop, and this will be the moment I will give up everything I became. Interestingly, if this will happen, or when, is unpredictable, maybe yes, maybe not.

                This relationships stored within me towards me, are like the heavy chains, like keeping me fucked and not allowing to me to be, but yes to be, means to be here, and never in the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of believing in the system, in the mind, in the perceptions, projections, ideas and believe, not realizing that by this I abused and manipulated myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist in and as anger towards myself because of my own acceptances and allowances of living in submission of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that this inner anger within me is real, that to be angry on myself is valid and required, that to torture myself with this anger is fine, not seeing and realizing that by any emotion I just fueled the mind and validate the existence of the mind, myself as the mind, and thus gave power away to my mind, not seeing and realizing that anger is not real, that anger as energy experience is fuck up and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up many times ago I saw I can and that I could, and thus trap myself into anger, blame and resentment towards myself because I didn’t stood up for myself even when I saw the moments as windows of opportunity for me to stand and say no, I do not accept this thoughts, ideas, believes, projections and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up for myself each moment in each breath, and let the things go to extreme, where the circumstances have to made me to stand up for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself and exist within and as anger towards myself because I has been keeping on falling instead of keeping of standing in specific points and each moment I saw I am able to stand up for myself but I didn’t because I defined myself towards energy and as energy addict and thus I accepted and allowed to myself to be directed by mind to get this energy, denying and diminishing myself, pretending that this falls are ok and nothing serious is happening, but within this see myself acting in self dishonesty, each moment I accepted to myself to fall and thus be this became angry on myself and even trying to be surprised and wonder why I keep on falling, but I saw that I didn’t investigated the points I fall in absolute detail as I let back door opened within and as me and thus accepting self dishonesty rather to stand up and became self honest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw my decisions made in self dishonesty and thus became angry on myself as being self dishonest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of lack of investigation of the points I faced and thus became angry on myself because of my postponing, waiting for moments what will happen, instead of my being the directive principle and thus decide for myself each moment I am here as who I am, what I accept and why, in self honesty as I see and realize the components of the mind, how mind manipulate and how I enslaved myself into living in and as self dishonest being.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw that I can act differently but I didn’t because of my own acceptance of manipulation of myself by the mind, because each time I was aware which thought directs me, and that it is not me who directs but accepting to be directed.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw the thoughts which directed me and even by this accepted those thoughts and pretend it was my decision, and thus became angry on myself as I saw, realized and understood that those decisions was not decided and directed by myself as who I am in and as breath here, but accepted to be directed by the mind.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 111 : Fear as make believe – Fear of making decisions

                Fear by essence, is make believe within one head, as experience of energy, because of various points, this variety of point why one experience fear is extensive, thus extensive type of fears one is able to experience, always in believe that this fear as experience is real.

                But let have a look why this fear is created and what is foundation or building blog of this fear, thus one will always see and realize that it was just believe of this fear, believe of existence of fear, and because of believe in energy experience to be real experiences.

                I realized, interesting fear, as fear of making decisions and on other hand fear of decisions made by others. The fear of me making decision come from my own insecurity and lack of self trust in regards of perception that I can fuck up myself, or that if I will do some specific decisions thus I will lost something, or that when I will decide, what if I will come to realization that decision was wrong, and that I will not be able to take back this decision, thus by itself it is also fear of making mistakes.

                In regards of others, the decisions I fear are those one which will have effect on my life, or type of decisions which would eventually create for myself harder living conditions, or decision which will cut from my life things I would like not to be cut away.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to do my own decision here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to make mistakes.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I will not understand something properly and thus I will make wrong decision.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I will make wrong decision, not seeing and realizing that nothing like wrong decisions exists, because within this is clear if decisions are self honest thus it is for my clear why I made those decisions or if decision is not self honest thus I perceived that as wrong decision.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that decisions I made and perceived as wrong are those I was not self honest with myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge making decision as ok or wrong, and within this participate on mind polarity design of good/bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I will not be able to see what is self honest or not, instead of see and realize simplicity of this, as I see and realize that everything of the mind is self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I will do wrong decisions for myself, instead of see that simply everything I need to base my decision making on self honesty thus I will never do wrong decision.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that making the decision in self honesty is thus making the commitments within and as me, in front of me, with me, as who I am and what I accept and what not, as the principle of equality and oneness is I stand for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I will harm myself with my decision or that I will lost something with decision made, instead of see and realize that each decision based on self honesty is me saying who I am as being here, saying what I am accepting for myself and others, and thus I can never harm myself or make something that I would lost anything, as harm and lost are perceptions of the mind, and I am not the mind as I am here as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that each my decision should be based on that what is based for all, thus best for myself, as within this I am accepting all as me and seeing everything in existence as me as myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that making decision is hard, instead of see simplicity of self honesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive and fear that I am not able to make for myself clear, not changeable, not negotiable decisions as who I am here, what I stand for and why, as me as life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am to week to make decisions eternal.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that decision made by others will cause me problems, will create for me worst conditions for my life, and that this decision will affect me the way that I will suffer.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that others want to harm me with their decisions, punish me, or diminish me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that others are making the decision towards myself to abuse me, to manipulate me, and to take advantage on me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that I can be diminished, neglected, rejected, abused harmed by decisions of others, instead of see and realize that it is only me what I accept and allow to and for myself.

Thanks, Juraj