Day 151 : Inner Anger – Believing in system

                Last days, I started to experience various multiple points, and the major one is my inner anger towards myself because I trusted to the system, because I trusted the mind, my mind and the mind of others.

                I realized that nothing is possible to be trusted, and everything have to be questioned every way possible to do not fuck up with myself anymore. I saw people lying to me directly, and even they maybe do not noticed they did, but I had within me this anger towards me, that I fall into this trap of the mind.

                The deception of the mind is so extensive, that walk points by points seems to be sometimes never ending journey, but yes one moment this will eventually stop, and this will be the moment I will give up everything I became. Interestingly, if this will happen, or when, is unpredictable, maybe yes, maybe not.

                This relationships stored within me towards me, are like the heavy chains, like keeping me fucked and not allowing to me to be, but yes to be, means to be here, and never in the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of believing in the system, in the mind, in the perceptions, projections, ideas and believe, not realizing that by this I abused and manipulated myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist in and as anger towards myself because of my own acceptances and allowances of living in submission of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that this inner anger within me is real, that to be angry on myself is valid and required, that to torture myself with this anger is fine, not seeing and realizing that by any emotion I just fueled the mind and validate the existence of the mind, myself as the mind, and thus gave power away to my mind, not seeing and realizing that anger is not real, that anger as energy experience is fuck up and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up many times ago I saw I can and that I could, and thus trap myself into anger, blame and resentment towards myself because I didn’t stood up for myself even when I saw the moments as windows of opportunity for me to stand and say no, I do not accept this thoughts, ideas, believes, projections and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I didn’t stood up for myself each moment in each breath, and let the things go to extreme, where the circumstances have to made me to stand up for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself and exist within and as anger towards myself because I has been keeping on falling instead of keeping of standing in specific points and each moment I saw I am able to stand up for myself but I didn’t because I defined myself towards energy and as energy addict and thus I accepted and allowed to myself to be directed by mind to get this energy, denying and diminishing myself, pretending that this falls are ok and nothing serious is happening, but within this see myself acting in self dishonesty, each moment I accepted to myself to fall and thus be this became angry on myself and even trying to be surprised and wonder why I keep on falling, but I saw that I didn’t investigated the points I fall in absolute detail as I let back door opened within and as me and thus accepting self dishonesty rather to stand up and became self honest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw my decisions made in self dishonesty and thus became angry on myself as being self dishonest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because of lack of investigation of the points I faced and thus became angry on myself because of my postponing, waiting for moments what will happen, instead of my being the directive principle and thus decide for myself each moment I am here as who I am, what I accept and why, in self honesty as I see and realize the components of the mind, how mind manipulate and how I enslaved myself into living in and as self dishonest being.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw that I can act differently but I didn’t because of my own acceptance of manipulation of myself by the mind, because each time I was aware which thought directs me, and that it is not me who directs but accepting to be directed.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry on myself because I saw the thoughts which directed me and even by this accepted those thoughts and pretend it was my decision, and thus became angry on myself as I saw, realized and understood that those decisions was not decided and directed by myself as who I am in and as breath here, but accepted to be directed by the mind.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 126 : Standing up

                I realized, that is possible only in and as moment here, as presence of me within moment as breath, where I decide within and as me to stand up within me and do not accept what mind present me.

                To stand up, can’t be done in the mind as participating on backchats or thoughts, as within this one is already in mind and thus fallen. Stand up can’t be done in participating on memories, or projections, or desires, or looking in mind to the future.

                Only here can be done what needs to be done.

I commit myself to stand up within and as me for myself till I will stand absolute.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to realize, that to stand up is possible only in and as moment here, as presence of me as breath and thus stand up as breath for myself.

                 I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see within me what it is directing me when I do not want to stand up for myself but rather accepting to follow the program and script of the mind, and thus accepting to remaining enslaved as programmed robot.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to realize, that here is everything what is, and anything else is of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to realize who and what I am as presence of breath in equality and oneness with my body.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 124 : Experiences of me

                 Interesting point is, that when I experienced myself as me as awareness of who I am as whole existence as penetrating through everything and anything which exists, I do not experience myself each moment I am here, but still remaining trapped as experiences of the mind.

                Therefore, this means, that it is me who have to stand up for myself as who I really am as existence as me, and not submit myself into and as living in and as mind.

                My question is, how I am going to do this? How I can stand up within and as me for me as who I am as existence which is here, in equality and oneness of me, as one as all?

                I realized who I am and that I am not the mind, yet this is like be in and as mind and have to walk and face that what I accepted and allowed to myself to be done unto me to be able to stand up for myself as who I really am.

                Thus, to realize is one point, to live and stand for myself each moment I am here is another. Interestingly, to see what has been allowed, is possible only in the moment I faced me.

                To stand up within and as self, and do not accept anything less, this is quite skill worth to achieve, skill of skills.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to wait that someone will stand up for myself as who I really am as awareness of me as existence as whole, instead of see, realize and understood, that it is only me who have to stand up for myself, that it is only me who have to find way how to became equal with the physical, that it is only me who have to realize how I separated myself from myself, and that finally it is again only me who have to merge back everything of me and stand for myself in equality and oneness of me here as living example as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 100 : Standing versus Falling

                The point of standing up from of the mind, and stand the point is to be here, with and as breath. If one is here with the breath, thus fall is impossible.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to realize, that the point why I fall into mind is that I am not with and as breath here.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to realize, that once I am falling in the mind, I am losing myself and falling into the realm of the mind can take me, and therefore create for myself and others consequences which I can stop once I am here, with and as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to realize that stand up absolute means to be here as breath absolute.

Thanks, Juraj

 

Day 99 : Embrace the darkness – Embrace evil as life to live

                The truth of me in darkness of me as darkness of me is evil and this evil has been hidden in front of me, yet many times this evil I had right in front of my eyes and I do not realized it is me and the evil of me I am looking on.

                I was not able to see this evil what I am when I looked through the eyes and through the light, as light provided me the illusion of separation and thus believe I am not seeing myself.

                But I can’t deny what I see in me, as me when I see into me, the truth of me I wanted to not see and there was a moments I could realize what was part of me but I denied. But I can’t now and I can’t anymore here.

                Many years ago, I faced the point I stood up within and as me and I changed my life completely, within one decision, within one moment, I decided to stood up, where only me was present, and where only I faced the point I accepted and allowed, and I stood and I stopped myself. I was aware that within this decision I changed everything, yet I was not able to see consequences, I see those consequences here and only thanks to my standing up I am here and only thanks to that decision I am now writing here, because of me able to stand up.

                Thus I realized, that I am able to stand up each point of evil which is part of me, as the first time I did was 13 years ago. And this evil of me, the brutality, bestiality, violence and misery showed me the relationship I created within me, to me, towards me, as me. Hidden in darkness of me, the possessions and demons waiting how and where could take over of me and thus me waiting how I could generate sufficient energy for myself, by the acts I described above. I was surprised and also not surprised when I saw this points in me, because I was aware many years something like this is the part of me, but I never did anymore, as within my standing I decided to simply stand that point and I stood till here.

                There was a point of me wanting to bound myself to myself, to enslave myself, by the hands and the legs, to show and reveal that only to me I will belong, but this showed me how I separated myself from myself and thus how I deluded myself. And I did because of light and looking through the light because I wanted to see me in and through the light, I deceived myself, as to see in darkness of me I do not require the light as the darkness is what and who I am.

                Thus I see and realize what I accepted and allowed to myself to exist as towards myself, and thus I simply decided to stand up. That’s all.

                The first time I stood up, the very first time I decided to stop, I realized that by this I gave myself the life and that I allowed myself to live here, thus this implies, that every point I am able to stand up and stand eternally, thus by this I am giving myself the life equally eternal.

                This simply means, that by standing the points for myself and as myself as all, that by ability to take each point and stand up for this point, which I proved myself I am able to, that by taking everything which is required to stand up for, thus by this I will give myself the eternal life.

                By seeing the evil of me, and standing up from this evil and do not accept and allow this evil anymore, means simply give life and start to live.

                See the evil you are, and live.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think, believe and define seeing as looking through the light and see the light and see myself through the light, instead of see and realize that mind looks as information and knowledge but I do not need and require light or information or knowledge to see myself, to see into me as who I am, what I became and why I exist the way I exist.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that to see me I require light, instead of see and realize what and who I am as darkness of me as evil I became.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide myself in the light in believe that by the light I will be invisible and thus I will not have to see into me, instead of realize that the light will cease to exist and thus I will have to see me, into me, what I have became.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide the evil of me in the light as the light provide me the ability to create the false façade of me, the false picture of me, in believe that what is as the dark of me will not bee seen.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself define the light as good and dark as bad and thus exist in and as polarity of the mind as light and dark and thus move myself between light and dark within the hope and believe that light will gave me the ability to cover the evil of me I exist as dark.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself fear to see into me directly as darkness of me as who I am and what I became and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that be fearing to see the darkness of me as me I will not have to face me and see into me as using fear as protecting mechanism in front of myself to not see me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and thus want and desire to enslave myself by the hands and by the ankles of legs to make myself belong only to me, not seeing and realizing that I am already here as all as me as wherever I am thus I am, thus I do not desire to enslave me anymore, to bound me or trap myself as I am here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to let myself die as separation myself form myself because of wanting and desiring myself to enslave me and trap me into a bondage.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own evil and to fear to see the evil as life of me, what I became and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the relationship towards me as violence, bestiality and enslavement of myself into traps of the mind as energy experiences I generated for myself because of believe that this energy experiences are real experiences of me, thus  living in and as believe that I need this energy for myself and that I require this energy and thus accept and allow to manipulate me, abuse me, desire to enslave me, to make friction as good and bad and by this generate energy for myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look on violence towards me and think and believe that this is good because it provides me the energy I wanted for myself, and thus live in the enslavement of me as separation of myself through violence of me as living zombie for energy.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to embrace the evil as evilness of me as darkness of me because of judgment of myself as bad, instead of see and realize that I existed always as darkness of me thus I embrace myself as darkness of me and I accept and allow myself to see everything I exist and consist of as darkness of evil as me as I do not fear to see me anymore and I do not allow myself to judge myself for what who I became, as I see and realize that judgment and fear of myself blind me and do not allow me to live thus I stop the fear of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards me as polarity as good/bad and superior/inferior and nice/ugly not seeing that all of this are my own made up illusions of the mind of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I cannot stand up each single point for myself alone and as all and stand up for myself as life and live because of believe that I am too weak and unable to stand up, instead of see and realize that I proved to myself that I am able to stand up within and as me, for myself alone and thus for all and thus do not allow to blind myself anymore.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as a separated from myself and thus from all, instead of realize that I made up this illusion of separation in and as my mind and thus fall into a believe that I am separated from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself through the light into a believe that I need to see me, that I desire to see me, that I want to see me, that I have to look for me and search what and who I am, instead of realize and see that I am already here as I always was as existence of physical, as breath of life, as darkness of me in silence of me as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into a believe that what I see through my eyes as reflection of light is not me and thus start to desire to be with me and see me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to enslave myself because of my fear and separation from myself and thus fear that I will be not with myself any more.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the enslavement of myself as a fear of not being with me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the enslavement of me as desire to have power over me, instead of realize and see that I am the power of me as breath of life, that I am the real power of myself as existence as physical, that I am real direction of me thus I do not require to have power, as I am the power.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the enslavement as starting point of wanting and desiring to be the one, to be the one in charge and in power because I separated myself from myself, not realize and see that I wanted and desired to be that what I already am, as one as all here, and that I wanted to direct myself through illusion of power over me because I separated from myself, instead of direct myself as one as all as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the enslavement as desire to bound myself to myself to be with myself forever, not seeing and realizing that I did because I separated myself from myself and thus trapped myself that I have to somehow bound myself back to me, instead of stand up for myself as one as all as who I really am here, as existence of life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the enslavement as a separation from myself as a starting point of wanting to be a dictator, not seeing that I wanted and desired to dictate to myself what and who I am, what and how I should live, instead of live me, express me and voice me as a living being as a living word.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the enslavement of me as a punishment of myself for the not getting to myself what I desired and want, not realize and see for myself that by this I wanted to punish myself for that what I refused to give to myself because I separated from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the punishment of myself and enslavement of myself because of wanting and desiring to get attention, acceptance, freedom, respect and dignity from myself, not realizing and seeing that I wanted and desired this because I separated myself form myself and thus I was unable to give myself and accept myself, instead of realize that by this I was unable to give myself the attention, acceptance, freedom respect and dignity because I separated myself from myself.

Thanks, Juraj