Day 148 : Move without movement within

                I liked to dance quite lot, I liked to dance for hours and tiredness has not been the point to stop me from dancing, I enjoyed the movements and I enjoyed the sound. I forgot that those movements have been based on energy experience I created within me towards the sound, place, and people. This was years ago.

                For several years I was not attending the clubs, places where I liked to dance, I stopped. The music and sound do not created within me reactions, I do not experienced anything towards the music, and thus I have no more desire to dance and move with the sound as the energy within diminished created towards this points.

                Just few moments when I experienced energy reactions towards music last years are gone, and thus I faced interesting point.

                This night, I went to dance club to meet with friend and look around the downtown, and as I stood nearby stage, and heard the music, music of my likeness from the past, nothing moved within me. I just stood there and breathe, observed the people, lights, dj, and the place looked to be perfect for dancing, exactly matching my likeness of dancing places, and I just stood at the pillar.

                Times ago, normally I would go to dance immediately and start to rave and move, and here nothing. Just I stood and see and within me like nothing which could move me, and at the same time like the wall of resist within me to move and go dance.

When I was young, around age 10 till 14 I was extremely shy to go to dance and move, I spend hours of backchats, worrying, stressing and in nerves to push myself and go to dance. After years this shyness has been gone and it was me who has no problem immediately to jump on stage and dance without alcohol or drugs used, as the music and experiences within me was enough for me. The rave and rush of energy as movement of my body I danced and I moved with the sound and the energy I experienced.

Now, this was completely different, as only what I experienced was nothing just me breathing, and I realized, how much I used to move based on energy and experiences of this energy, and now when this energy is no existent I am no able to move, to go dance and enjoy the music and movement of me.

As I stood there, by paradox I applied SF on this point in the sound of noisy electro music and I started to move myself in the middle of the place, and I just experienced the sound beats on and with my body, all I experienced was just me breathing and the sound and the worry came up as if I am able to even dance without energy experiences but as I started to dance I let go this worry and I started to move myself with the beats of the sound, hearing just this sound and moving me, my legs, hands, my body and I move me but I do not experienced anything within me, no energy and no reaction with or towards the sound, I dance and I move and I hear and I enjoy the moments I dance and nothing just me dancing exists.

After some time I realize that I am not completely satisfied with myself as my movements, as I see that many moves of me I programmed to my body and thus some moves are heavy, some are light and like flow, some even hard to proceed and I see that this is not completely me as moves of me while dancing.

The friend comes and I see she has a worry with the points she is facing, she pretend she is ok but I always see she is not. I stopped to dance and went out with her, and the experiences of me as nothingness do not changed within moments, just worry of her came up if she will be ok, yes I see she will be but sometimes to go through some points with another is quite difficult, mainly in the stage where she is.

Anyway the point of moving me without energy experiences is quite interesting, and at the same time like “hard” as it is me who have to move me, not energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I never moved without energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I was always addicted to energy movements within me and thus follow the energy which I accepted and allowed within me to move, and not move myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that it is me who have to move myself, and not energy and thus I have to realize for myself what it means to move me, where nothing as energy movement exists within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to free myself from energy movement, energy addiction and thus moving me according energy in and as my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to give myself the permission to move me without energy, where I am the directive principle of my movement and not mind nor energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to move myself without any energy requirement.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to direct myself and not accept and allow to create within me the energy nor accept be directed by energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to flow, to move, to express, to expand in and as breath, as the moment as presence of me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move myself without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe the I need energy for my movement, not seeing and realizing that it is actually me as my body which moves in and as moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I always needs some point, source, influence which will move me, not seeing and realizing that by this I am submitting myself to my mind and separating myself from myself, as everything which exists is equal to me and I equal to everything.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am to weak to stop my mind entirely, to stop living as energy addict and believe that energy experiences are real experiences of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust to energy experiences within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t move, that I can’t express and direct myself if I have no energy created within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to decide for myself and stand up for myself and direct myself if I have no energy within me, not seeing and realizing that this is living me in self dishonesty towards me, in delusion, in lie and compromising my life and my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to flow, to expand, to express myself here within and as moment here, because I defined myself in and as living in submission of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind is not real, that anything of the mind is illusion and that I submitted my life into and as illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need energy, that I desire energy, that without energy I am dead.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to experience something if I do not experience anything as energy movement of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that desire to experience something is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have no power to move me, to direct me, to express and live my life in self honesty here as I clearly see that what is of the mind is based on thoughts and energy movement as friction of polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards thoughts of the mind, energy experiences created as polarity friction within my body and thus think and believe that I need this friction, that I need polarity to be able to live and have sense that I live not seeing and realizing that this sense of living is my own self delusion because I accepted to live as mind slave all my life, and thus it is me who have to take all my power back to myself, as I am the source, as I am the direction, as I am here as breath, as my body as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am inside my body in my head, not seeing and realizing that I am the body, that I am the very flesh as physical not inside as voice, thoughts, back chats or energy experiences, but real being moving, expressing, and living here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe what if some of my thoughts are real, what is some thought is valid, what if some back chat is true, what if somehow possibly this is me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of seeing what is of the mind as thoughts as spoken words by the mind which I clearly hear within my head, and thus I can use any of the words mind spoke to investigate how, when, why I defined myself to live as the mind slave controlled by illusion, and thus free myself from mind control and free myself and live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind can be good guide, not seeing and realizing that anything of the mind as thought, energy experiences, is simply trap of the program as design to keep me enslaved, controlled and not allow to live as free being, not seeing and realizing that mind will never allow to myself to free me, because it is me who have to stop the mind, it is me who have to take my power back to me, it is me who have to free myself, to stop each thought I accepted, to stop any energy movement I created within me, and thus stop to live in and as friction of polarity design, which is design of the mind to create the energy from myself as physical and thus destroy, diminish and devalue myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind will somehow help me to stop the mind, not seeing how deluded this is, as mind had power over me whole life and thus mind will do everything possible to sustain itself, and thus it is me who have to stop the mind, to stand up for myself and direct myself each moment in and as breath, because moment I am not here as breath thus I am in the mind and thus in realms of illusions.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need the mind to stop the mind, not seeing and realizing that I have everything what I need to be able to stop the mind effectively, as my breath, self forgiveness and ability to investigate the point as how, where and when I defined myself into a mind and thus how I trapped myself into a illusion.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 142 : Positive and negative – Same shit

                The positive blind me to see what is part of myself as negative, the negative shows me what I became and why.

                The positive directs me away from me, the negative destroy and dishonor me.

                The positive, delude me and trap into illusions, negative shows how I judge myself and why.

No matter which polarity is within and as me, which polarity is still part of “my life”, it is the same bullshit and same energy and same addiction of energy.

                It is cool to see and realize, that positive and negative, is simply not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself as positive and negative in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live in polarities of the mind as positive and negative, instead of be here present within and as the moment and see and realize that nothing of polarities is real, just delusions of the mind as desires, projections, ideas, believes, definitions, judgments, separation myself from myself because of accepted living as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself do not stop each moment here.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I am able to stop everything and anything which is of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to myself to see and realize that I am able to be directive principle of my life in self honesty with myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 130 : Fear of experiencing nothing

                I realized interesting point, this is like being scared, or frightened if I do not experience nothing, thus this is like wanting to experience something thus create within and as me frightening that I experience nothing and how come nothing is within me, thus by creating this experience I can again experience something, which is energy movement as fear.

                By paradox, I am stopping energy experiences, releasing myself from this experiences and when I get to a point where I experiences nothing, thus I became scared or frighten and thus from this want to experience something, but this, is simply separation.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to experience something within and as me and thus from this create the desire of want to experience something and thus became scared and frightened of myself not experiencing anything within and as me, to be able again experience something, instead of see and realize that this is just game of the mind to take me always back to energy experiences within and as me and make me trust to this experiences and believe to this experiences that it is me experiencing me, instead of see and realize, each moment consistently that anything of energy movements within and as me is always of the mind and thus not me, because I separated from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not stand clear and stable within and as breath when I experience nothing within and as be but only breathing, as an attempt and desire to want to experiences something.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am wrong or that I am not ok when I do not experience anything within me, but me just breathing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to, that I must experience anything within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to express myself instead of doing so.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that do not experiencing energy movements within me is not ok and that I am not ok when I do not experience energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me fear that what if I will never experience anything if I do not experience energy movements for a while and thus by this create within me energy as fear of not experiencing myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that each moment I breathe thus I am with me here and that is all I am, me as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to experience something more than me breath because of living my life on and as energy experiences of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and desire to experience more than myself, more than who I really am as breath as me, and by this separate myself from myself and create friction within and as me as desire to experience me, instead of breathe here each moment.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 124 : Experiences of me

                 Interesting point is, that when I experienced myself as me as awareness of who I am as whole existence as penetrating through everything and anything which exists, I do not experience myself each moment I am here, but still remaining trapped as experiences of the mind.

                Therefore, this means, that it is me who have to stand up for myself as who I really am as existence as me, and not submit myself into and as living in and as mind.

                My question is, how I am going to do this? How I can stand up within and as me for me as who I am as existence which is here, in equality and oneness of me, as one as all?

                I realized who I am and that I am not the mind, yet this is like be in and as mind and have to walk and face that what I accepted and allowed to myself to be done unto me to be able to stand up for myself as who I really am.

                Thus, to realize is one point, to live and stand for myself each moment I am here is another. Interestingly, to see what has been allowed, is possible only in the moment I faced me.

                To stand up within and as self, and do not accept anything less, this is quite skill worth to achieve, skill of skills.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to wait that someone will stand up for myself as who I really am as awareness of me as existence as whole, instead of see, realize and understood, that it is only me who have to stand up for myself, that it is only me who have to find way how to became equal with the physical, that it is only me who have to realize how I separated myself from myself, and that finally it is again only me who have to merge back everything of me and stand for myself in equality and oneness of me here as living example as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj