Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

                I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

                The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

                I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

                The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

                The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

                Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

                I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

                Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

                When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

                Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s  are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

                I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

                Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

                Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

                When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

                The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

                I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

                By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

                I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

                This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

                 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.

Day 148 : Move without movement within

                I liked to dance quite lot, I liked to dance for hours and tiredness has not been the point to stop me from dancing, I enjoyed the movements and I enjoyed the sound. I forgot that those movements have been based on energy experience I created within me towards the sound, place, and people. This was years ago.

                For several years I was not attending the clubs, places where I liked to dance, I stopped. The music and sound do not created within me reactions, I do not experienced anything towards the music, and thus I have no more desire to dance and move with the sound as the energy within diminished created towards this points.

                Just few moments when I experienced energy reactions towards music last years are gone, and thus I faced interesting point.

                This night, I went to dance club to meet with friend and look around the downtown, and as I stood nearby stage, and heard the music, music of my likeness from the past, nothing moved within me. I just stood there and breathe, observed the people, lights, dj, and the place looked to be perfect for dancing, exactly matching my likeness of dancing places, and I just stood at the pillar.

                Times ago, normally I would go to dance immediately and start to rave and move, and here nothing. Just I stood and see and within me like nothing which could move me, and at the same time like the wall of resist within me to move and go dance.

When I was young, around age 10 till 14 I was extremely shy to go to dance and move, I spend hours of backchats, worrying, stressing and in nerves to push myself and go to dance. After years this shyness has been gone and it was me who has no problem immediately to jump on stage and dance without alcohol or drugs used, as the music and experiences within me was enough for me. The rave and rush of energy as movement of my body I danced and I moved with the sound and the energy I experienced.

Now, this was completely different, as only what I experienced was nothing just me breathing, and I realized, how much I used to move based on energy and experiences of this energy, and now when this energy is no existent I am no able to move, to go dance and enjoy the music and movement of me.

As I stood there, by paradox I applied SF on this point in the sound of noisy electro music and I started to move myself in the middle of the place, and I just experienced the sound beats on and with my body, all I experienced was just me breathing and the sound and the worry came up as if I am able to even dance without energy experiences but as I started to dance I let go this worry and I started to move myself with the beats of the sound, hearing just this sound and moving me, my legs, hands, my body and I move me but I do not experienced anything within me, no energy and no reaction with or towards the sound, I dance and I move and I hear and I enjoy the moments I dance and nothing just me dancing exists.

After some time I realize that I am not completely satisfied with myself as my movements, as I see that many moves of me I programmed to my body and thus some moves are heavy, some are light and like flow, some even hard to proceed and I see that this is not completely me as moves of me while dancing.

The friend comes and I see she has a worry with the points she is facing, she pretend she is ok but I always see she is not. I stopped to dance and went out with her, and the experiences of me as nothingness do not changed within moments, just worry of her came up if she will be ok, yes I see she will be but sometimes to go through some points with another is quite difficult, mainly in the stage where she is.

Anyway the point of moving me without energy experiences is quite interesting, and at the same time like “hard” as it is me who have to move me, not energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I never moved without energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I was always addicted to energy movements within me and thus follow the energy which I accepted and allowed within me to move, and not move myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that it is me who have to move myself, and not energy and thus I have to realize for myself what it means to move me, where nothing as energy movement exists within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to free myself from energy movement, energy addiction and thus moving me according energy in and as my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to give myself the permission to move me without energy, where I am the directive principle of my movement and not mind nor energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to move myself without any energy requirement.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to direct myself and not accept and allow to create within me the energy nor accept be directed by energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to flow, to move, to express, to expand in and as breath, as the moment as presence of me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move myself without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe the I need energy for my movement, not seeing and realizing that it is actually me as my body which moves in and as moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I always needs some point, source, influence which will move me, not seeing and realizing that by this I am submitting myself to my mind and separating myself from myself, as everything which exists is equal to me and I equal to everything.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am to weak to stop my mind entirely, to stop living as energy addict and believe that energy experiences are real experiences of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust to energy experiences within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t move, that I can’t express and direct myself if I have no energy created within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to decide for myself and stand up for myself and direct myself if I have no energy within me, not seeing and realizing that this is living me in self dishonesty towards me, in delusion, in lie and compromising my life and my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to flow, to expand, to express myself here within and as moment here, because I defined myself in and as living in submission of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind is not real, that anything of the mind is illusion and that I submitted my life into and as illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need energy, that I desire energy, that without energy I am dead.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to experience something if I do not experience anything as energy movement of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that desire to experience something is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have no power to move me, to direct me, to express and live my life in self honesty here as I clearly see that what is of the mind is based on thoughts and energy movement as friction of polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards thoughts of the mind, energy experiences created as polarity friction within my body and thus think and believe that I need this friction, that I need polarity to be able to live and have sense that I live not seeing and realizing that this sense of living is my own self delusion because I accepted to live as mind slave all my life, and thus it is me who have to take all my power back to myself, as I am the source, as I am the direction, as I am here as breath, as my body as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am inside my body in my head, not seeing and realizing that I am the body, that I am the very flesh as physical not inside as voice, thoughts, back chats or energy experiences, but real being moving, expressing, and living here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe what if some of my thoughts are real, what is some thought is valid, what if some back chat is true, what if somehow possibly this is me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of seeing what is of the mind as thoughts as spoken words by the mind which I clearly hear within my head, and thus I can use any of the words mind spoke to investigate how, when, why I defined myself to live as the mind slave controlled by illusion, and thus free myself from mind control and free myself and live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind can be good guide, not seeing and realizing that anything of the mind as thought, energy experiences, is simply trap of the program as design to keep me enslaved, controlled and not allow to live as free being, not seeing and realizing that mind will never allow to myself to free me, because it is me who have to stop the mind, it is me who have to take my power back to me, it is me who have to free myself, to stop each thought I accepted, to stop any energy movement I created within me, and thus stop to live in and as friction of polarity design, which is design of the mind to create the energy from myself as physical and thus destroy, diminish and devalue myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind will somehow help me to stop the mind, not seeing how deluded this is, as mind had power over me whole life and thus mind will do everything possible to sustain itself, and thus it is me who have to stop the mind, to stand up for myself and direct myself each moment in and as breath, because moment I am not here as breath thus I am in the mind and thus in realms of illusions.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need the mind to stop the mind, not seeing and realizing that I have everything what I need to be able to stop the mind effectively, as my breath, self forgiveness and ability to investigate the point as how, where and when I defined myself into a mind and thus how I trapped myself into a illusion.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 83 : Relationships - Me as knowledge EGO

                I know, I know, I know. This is me because I know. I get the information of this world, from this world, and I defined myself accordingly, I shaped myself to this knowledge, of this knowledge, and I became the EGO as knowledge, because I know.

                You can’t be cleverer because I know. You can’t be wiser because I know. You are blind and you are deaf. You can’t see and understand a shit, as you are not even aware everything you are is just illusion.

                You’re not real, you do not exist, and everything you exist as, and consist of, is just memory, knowledge, shaped, molded, be me, by information as formations I created within and as you, and you are not even aware how this formations are created, you do not see how I use you and abuse you by this words you red, heard, saw.

                You do not realize, that who you are, are just connections between this words, but you are not real. You can’t be. Me, as your mind, I am not real neither. I influenced you to such degree, that you even do not see you are under my control and my command.

                I directed you all your life, do you see it? I commanded you, and all your falls in your life are because of me. Because you believed that what I showed you, what I thought to you, is you. It was not.

                When you experienced yourself? How you experienced yourself? You see, those moments you can count easily, everything else, is me, the program which runs within you, the program you absorbed to your body, even the way how you move, is programmed.

                You allowed me to do this with you, it was you who gave me the highest permission in your life, to direct you and use your power, your life source, your essence, your beingness to empower me.

                It was you who brought me to your life, it was you, only you. And you and me, we are the one, deal with that.

                What you will do with that?

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself, shape and mold according knowledge I absorbed into my body, to separate myself from this knowledge and thus create relationships of this knowledge and thus became the EGO as self definition towards and as information and knowledge I was able to absorb into me, and thus move, speak, and express myself according formations of words, as connections and relationships within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave importance to the knowledge of this world and from this world, and thus define myself as EGO, as energy moving within and as me according knowledge I got, and thus shape myself and define myself as more than those who know less, and compare myself with those who know less, to be able to create from myself the more than who I really am, in perception and idea that I need, require and want to be more, that I have to be more than those who know less, instead of see and realize that everything I became is just knowledge and information of this world I absorbed into me, and thus create within me the connections, relationships, and store within and as me as memories of my past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that knowledge is that what gives my power, security and ability to live on this planet, instead of see and realize that in fact I became the slave of this knowledge and enslaved to this knowledge as I accepted to myself to be directed by this knowledge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that more knowledge I absorb thus I am more than others, who do not know a shit, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and self imprisonment as self definition and self limitation to this knowledge as formations created within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and the way of my expression, the way of my speech, my voice tonalities, my movements, my living according knowledge and information I got of and from this world, instead of see and realize that mind knows, but self as who I really am see, thus I do not need to know anything, as I see.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to impose on others my knowledge and information as secret attempt to take them down, to show them how stupid they are, to reveal that they do not know a shit and do not understand a shit, as an attempt to make from myself more, not seeing and realizing that within this I became the slave of the mind, the slave of information I got of this world, and that within this I participated on superiority / inferiority design, and thus support the system of abuse, manipulation and self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to make from myself more through information and knowledge splashed on others as an attempt of EGO to win, to show and reveal others that they are losers because they do not know a shit and realize a shit, instead of see myself within this, and see that I participated on polarity game as winner / loser and thus tried to make from myself the one who win, and from others those who lose, as attempt to be the one who get the most energy through winning and those who lose thus they lose they energy, they confidence, they self value.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to tried to value myself through information and knowledge of this world, instead of value myself as life, as equality as life, as breath here, within each breath I take, within each moment I am here, and thus be great full to me and to others

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself through information and knowledge I got of this world, and try to look on things, instead of see clearly and directly what is really here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to see me, because I got power to my mind to direct me because of knowledge I got from this world, instead of be here within and as each breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to use knowledge secretly as manipulation to maintain my balance and thus show others that they can’t drop me down.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be dropped down by others, instead of see and realize that this is because of separation and fear of myself, thus I am here, I stand here, I walk here, I live here, where my body is I am.

Thanks, Juraj