Day 164 : Revenge – I do not care as you do not cared.

                 Many times before, I experienced various resistances to write, when point came up, but as usual, I placed the points in front of me and could see.

Here, Now, it is different, it is no more resistance to write, actually, writing is the point I really enjoy, as over time writing becomes something which is for me really intimate, allowing me to understand and see. And as the resistance is gone, something different emerged, and it is simply not wanting to write the point, holding the point within me, seeing, knowing that sooner or later I will have to let go, but this is like wanting to keep this for myself, as that which defined me a lot as all points of revenge I lived, and without revenge I am like gone. But lets have a look, why I hold to this point and why I am letting this go.

I was on the kayak tournament during the weekend and many importing things happened to me, and I was with all team on the way home. I was very young that time, and understand what happened that weekend took me almost my whole life till here.

I move out of the bus, as we stopped finally in our home town and picking my things out of the bus, talking with trainer and guys around, it is night. Little bit cold weather, I look around and people are here, which are family members of guys which was on tournament also, and as I see, for each one someone came, father, mother, brothers or sisters or whole families. And I just remained standing alone, and no one is here just me. I am looking in the dark of non-illuminated road and I see no one came. It is strange, even I do not expect no one will come, but whatever, I move up the road. Why no one came?

Blinked through my mind and I do not know answer, the road to home by tram and bus is quite strange, as that question many times emerged, and comparison of seeing all others with someone who came for them and seeing me, that from my big family nobody.

                I am entering the flat, and I see I am hardly noticed that I came, I have so plenty of things I would like to talk about, so many things happened, and I just see that family simply continues the way as always, and no one ask anything from 7 members of my family, anything about me, tournament, how it was going, no one care a shit to even ask any of kind question, no one interested at all. And thus I see, why they should care to come for me to place where bus came, if they even do not cared a shit about me and the tournament, I am starting to doubt if they maybe noticed I was not here.  Mother, father, brothers and sister continuing to talk, behave like I was not away for 2 days.

                I stand and see they do not care, I stand and see that no one is interested in anything about me, and this is hurting me so deeply, this what I see is killing me from inside. And thus I stand and realize that they even do not know that I am the best in whole team, that my technique and my drive is one of the best, they have no idea what happened this weekend and why I will probably stop with kayaks forever, what I realized, what extreme experience I came through in the canal and many more and I see they do not give a shit.

                I stand and I ask myself, as I see no one care, why I should care? Why I should care about them all if no one cared a shit about me? And you will see, as I am here I will revenge to you the same way u did to me, I will not care the very same way as you do not cared.

                This is my vengeance, this is my statement, this is what I will live and I will became the revenge. I will revenge you and you will see how this can hurt, you will see how it is if I will not give a fuck, and time will come you will need me but I will be no more here. You will not be able to get back your words, your ignorance and no matter what will happen I will ignore you, this is my living as I see who you really are.

                I will not care, I will not ask, I will not be interested, not in you and not in anybody else, as you do not know and do not wanting to know, thus be it. You will never know who I am, what I live, why I live the way I am. You will never know me, see me or comprehend me. Simply, because I will not tell you.

                And thus everything you know about me is just bullshit you believe in, because yes u know me, but only that what I allowed, the pillars and the core of me, will remain hidden in front of you, and whatever you will believe in, will be not me. And I will not care, as only once I will see you do not care, I will take on my revenge.

But, as I said before, I am giving up the revenge as me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

                I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

                The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

                I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

                The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

                The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

                Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

                I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

                Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

                When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

                Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s  are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

                I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

                Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

                Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

                When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

                The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

                I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

                By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

                I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

                This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

                 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.

Day 127 : Relationships as me

                I lived many relationships and each one has been projection of me towards myself, because I separated from me and thus I created idea and believe what and who I am and within this forgave myself as life but rather followed this ideas.

                Interestingly, as I started to release myself from such relationships as energy charges towards the points I created as positive, the negative polarity start to emerge within and as me as energy definitions created and thus lived, and I was many times surprised when I saw what was part of me as negative, and yet sometimes this is like surprising me still when I find something which I was not able to see before.

                It is challenge to see this negative part, as this is the real true of myself what I lived and what I accepted towards myself within this world to happen to me. This is the pure evil of me, and interestingly this can’t be judged. Because if yes, thus to stop this negative polarity is impossible.

                Let’s have a look on this world, it can’t be denied who we are, as the world is simply mirror of ourselves, yet many will deny this, but I see.

                Let’s have a look on this world and you will see what I became, what I accepted towards myself in separation of me, let’s see it without judgment, let’s see this without energy movement, let’s see this without blame. It is not nice.

                But I will not allow the world to continue this way forever, as it is useless, as I do not allow to myself to remain as slave of the mind.

                Through time, each one of this world will have to see and realize what has been accepted and allowed, sooner or later each one will face the real true, and finally, at the end of days, we will be all free.

                No one is free, if all are not free.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to keep myself in trance in separation of myself from myself and through this deny what has been done unto me, what has been accepted and allowed, as attempt to hide myself from myself, and do not want to take responsibility for myself as whole.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 125 : I will not influence people and their lives

                Some time ago, I made decision that I will not influence people and their lives, as I saw that it is almost impossible to speak with people, as the believes people live about life and themselves are so strong, that I saw no point to even try to communicate about anything with those where I do not saw any possibility to speak.

                I can say that for years I tried to speak with people and communicate everything possible, to see if I can share with them more, but the fear I saw people have in themselves even after few minutes of speech, is like barricade and thus I saw no point to try to break the walls they created in themselves in front of this world.

                To challenge the believe system of people, is like challenge their entire life and thus challenge all demons and insanity of the mind, yet they can’t see and even can’t accept that they could be wrong.

                After years of sharing various points with people, no one remained in my presence, as the fear within people is probably the strongest point of their influence, and thus if I do not fed their ego I became persona non grata. But I am not here to masturbate anybody ego nor mine.

                After years of walking of my process, I made many mistakes and many misinterpretations, I created within me many demons and thus I had to remove them, I was many time like bumping from one side of the border to another but still not giving up on myself as I see and realize why I am walking what I am walking.

                I was wrong with any of my perception, I was wrong with each ideas, each believe, I was wrong with each thought and any projection. I was wrong with the many words and my attitude, and I was wrong with and as myself, as relationship to me I created and thus lived. I was wrong with my entire life, and as I started to see and realize why this all happened, I started to walk my process, and absolutely do not cared what others will think about the words I speak and share, as I see what I speak.

                The road I chosen, is probably the hardest road to walk and yet most simple as well, as only one exists, and it is seeing into me and what I became and thus challenge me and challenge my entire mind system I accepted to myself to live.

                But, after all period, all people I knew are gone, and only one I met which I could share as much as possible in such short period of time, where this persona even tried to apply SF and try to find for herself if this is also the way she would like to go. If she will, I do not know.

                The world how it exists today, is no possible to stand back and do not influence others, it is not possible to have no impact, as some people fear me just because of my presence, which is interesting. We have influence on each other, and thus what we speak is crucial as this has probably the most influential point we have, what and how I speak. Interesting point is, when I speak, without any intention to create the fear in people, they create this fear just only because I speak and what I speak, thus people even fear the words which do not fit into their believe system and thus into their life.

                Isn’t this insanity? Isn’t this so obvious, how much we used to live in fear, that even we do not see we live it? Is this living? To constantly hide, to fear everybody and everyone, the words, behaviors, everything is ingrained by fear, and we call this fear life and living. How come humanity, that the life has been forgotten and that only fear is only driving force?

                This planet, our lives, everything could be different way, life can be really pleasure for anybody here, life can be enjoyment and real happiness each day we are here, but it is not so.

                Joy and happiness do not exists, lets have a look, in each country, in each city, people starving, people dying, people lost and yet others claim to be happy. But this happiness, is just ignorance of others, and yet we as humanity we are not able to cover absolute basics needs of each human being on this planet.

                How could, that we are no capable to do the basic? How come, that we are no able to care about each other, how come we are rather destroying everything which do not fits into our believes? From where this believes come, and who inserted this believes into us.

                Thus, where is freedom? Do not exist.  Where is free will? And even question is, what is free will? Who comprehend what even free will could be? Everywhere is just insanity of demons as the humans accept within and as themselves, as possession of mind creation.

                Where we go as humanity, is clear. Into a destruction and age of psycho zombies running everywhere. And this, we even dare to call : intelligence. This is empty word and no human is intelligent.

                We based the life on money, yet those money are fake as are printed by elites and distributing according their will to keep humans enslaved into and as papers and coins.

                Our lives, became determined by paper and coins. This is the biggest insanity, we accepted to ourselves, this is the biggest fall of mankind, as that what is of life, is determined by numbers printed on paper.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to determine life and value of the life by money as papers, coins and thus make from this higher value than life and thus accept and allow to participate on system of abuse and manipulation where money system is in place just for sake of controlling people.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be controlled by money through the relationship I created within and as me towards money in separation from them, and thus accept the system of control and relationship within and as me as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exists within and as perception of the world through money, through papers and coins, and define life and value of the life by this money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give value to money and not see money as a tool.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that money are system of inequality.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that money are in place to keep people enslaved through survival and fear.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself and others through illusionary value of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to do not influence people, instead of see and realize that everything I do, speak is direct influence on others, thus it is me who have to be living example of my words I speak.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to separate from others and do not have to influence them, not seeing and realizing that this is impossible as I am here in and as all.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to be responsible for life of others, instead of see that I am responsible by each of my action, word as consequences of that what I do and speak.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see consequences of my words and actions and do not want to take responsibility for others by words I speak.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to let go this word the way it is heading, instead of stand up for myself as who I really am and direct myself the most effective ways to be able bring change on this planet, not as a savior or hero, but as life as the only value which is here in equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj