Day 164 : Revenge – I do not care as you do not cared.

                 Many times before, I experienced various resistances to write, when point came up, but as usual, I placed the points in front of me and could see.

Here, Now, it is different, it is no more resistance to write, actually, writing is the point I really enjoy, as over time writing becomes something which is for me really intimate, allowing me to understand and see. And as the resistance is gone, something different emerged, and it is simply not wanting to write the point, holding the point within me, seeing, knowing that sooner or later I will have to let go, but this is like wanting to keep this for myself, as that which defined me a lot as all points of revenge I lived, and without revenge I am like gone. But lets have a look, why I hold to this point and why I am letting this go.

I was on the kayak tournament during the weekend and many importing things happened to me, and I was with all team on the way home. I was very young that time, and understand what happened that weekend took me almost my whole life till here.

I move out of the bus, as we stopped finally in our home town and picking my things out of the bus, talking with trainer and guys around, it is night. Little bit cold weather, I look around and people are here, which are family members of guys which was on tournament also, and as I see, for each one someone came, father, mother, brothers or sisters or whole families. And I just remained standing alone, and no one is here just me. I am looking in the dark of non-illuminated road and I see no one came. It is strange, even I do not expect no one will come, but whatever, I move up the road. Why no one came?

Blinked through my mind and I do not know answer, the road to home by tram and bus is quite strange, as that question many times emerged, and comparison of seeing all others with someone who came for them and seeing me, that from my big family nobody.

                I am entering the flat, and I see I am hardly noticed that I came, I have so plenty of things I would like to talk about, so many things happened, and I just see that family simply continues the way as always, and no one ask anything from 7 members of my family, anything about me, tournament, how it was going, no one care a shit to even ask any of kind question, no one interested at all. And thus I see, why they should care to come for me to place where bus came, if they even do not cared a shit about me and the tournament, I am starting to doubt if they maybe noticed I was not here.  Mother, father, brothers and sister continuing to talk, behave like I was not away for 2 days.

                I stand and see they do not care, I stand and see that no one is interested in anything about me, and this is hurting me so deeply, this what I see is killing me from inside. And thus I stand and realize that they even do not know that I am the best in whole team, that my technique and my drive is one of the best, they have no idea what happened this weekend and why I will probably stop with kayaks forever, what I realized, what extreme experience I came through in the canal and many more and I see they do not give a shit.

                I stand and I ask myself, as I see no one care, why I should care? Why I should care about them all if no one cared a shit about me? And you will see, as I am here I will revenge to you the same way u did to me, I will not care the very same way as you do not cared.

                This is my vengeance, this is my statement, this is what I will live and I will became the revenge. I will revenge you and you will see how this can hurt, you will see how it is if I will not give a fuck, and time will come you will need me but I will be no more here. You will not be able to get back your words, your ignorance and no matter what will happen I will ignore you, this is my living as I see who you really are.

                I will not care, I will not ask, I will not be interested, not in you and not in anybody else, as you do not know and do not wanting to know, thus be it. You will never know who I am, what I live, why I live the way I am. You will never know me, see me or comprehend me. Simply, because I will not tell you.

                And thus everything you know about me is just bullshit you believe in, because yes u know me, but only that what I allowed, the pillars and the core of me, will remain hidden in front of you, and whatever you will believe in, will be not me. And I will not care, as only once I will see you do not care, I will take on my revenge.

But, as I said before, I am giving up the revenge as me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 136 : Money and me

                Money and the usage of money, became the most misunderstood point within my life, and usage of money real horror in my life. Due to the lack of education from my parents, where religion brainwashing was really extensive, thus I created really terrible perception of money and myself within this world, and simply because of this I refused to take self responsibility for usage of money.

                Money, and how I saw myself, people, and why, the foundation of this is my father and my mother, where I wanted to be like father and better than him, and opposite of my mother.

                All other points related to perception of money, when I start to grow up was layers upon layers of bullshits and lies within me as creation of myself through acceptance of mind components.

                I was many times in that position, when I perceived that I walked for myself this money point, but after all and everything the fall of myself took place, and next and another layers come up within me, another points and another self deception and my delusion in regards of seeing money.

                The information and knowledge I have about money, is quite extensive, but this serve to me for nothing because it is knowledge, for myself to see and realize how, why and when and because of what I created the myself the way I did, I placed myself into a position of risking my life, and after all I see it was not necessary to go through everything I went through, but it is done and what I did and created for myself is something, no one would like to go through, as it was horror and just simply question is why?

                And the very simply answer is, I didn’t walked self correction in relation of money and usage of them, as to walk self correction for myself was impossible, not matter how much self forgiveness I applied, no matter how much times I tried, I simply never walked through the door I opened for myself to free myself from this deception I created within and as me as money, because I was still looking into the past and because of this still judging myself for that what I accepted within me.

                Yes, thanks self forgiveness I realized many points related to this, and one shocked me more than other, you can imagine that hundreds of self forgiveness points I applied, and when it looked I am done I fall and because of this fall I judged myself, because I was really pissed of myself and thus trapped myself into circle of applying self forgiveness, standing the point for various periods of time, and again fall, and again repeat this circle and simply, from certain perspective I am tired of this.

                I see than within this point I moved forward, but still, I am not sure if this was enough for myself to finally walk through the doors I still see opened and simply close them and never look back on this door, and let this in the past as where past should remain.

                This all, and everything I did because of money, simply means, that I never decided to stand up for myself in this point, as if I would, thus this words would be never written here.

                The points I stand for myself, are done and I do not have to go back to that points, and this point of money, now seems to me like only point which is still here, like I gave all my attention in my mind to this point, and thus made from this point the mountain if front of myself, but not seeing and realizing the simplicity of walking this point and what I really have to do to walk self correction.

                And to make from some point, the biggest point is useless, because, mountain seems to be too big to walk through, and because mountain I created in front of me, thus fear I created within me, as what if I am not able to walk through.

                It is paradox, I feared what I created within me, as me, and I placed this point as more than me, thus me as inferior and thus see myself that maybe possibly I am not able to walk it.

                But what is this about, to see, realize, and correct. Maybe, I finally realized and maybe I correct myself after all. Maybe, I finally really see what I created within me, and maybe finally I will walk this.

                Time will show.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as loser and the one who always lose and thus separate myself from success and exist within and as mind polarity of lose / success.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to myself to separate myself from my father and see my father as superior and myself as inferior, and thus accept to live the mind design of superiority / inferiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from design, systems and programs and think and believe that those are bad as those took away from myself my money and thus exist as memory of systems which are taking money away from myself in separation from myself, instead of see and realize that it was me who accepted and allowed to myself to give away my money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from time, as time is just flow of moments one by one.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I see and made money as an object of desire, in separation of myself from money as physical and thus fear money, instead of see myself and money as equal and one as physical as that what is real as paper and coins and thus use money the effective way to support myself here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that fear of money is real, and that I have to fear money and think and believe that money are bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I will never have money, and that money are the point god is against and that if I want to enter to heaven I have to live as poor, as loser, as the one who have nothing and only then I will be able to enter the heaven as god domain.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have not had to have money because of religion brainwashing of perception of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I never have money and that I have to be poor.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through money as when I have money that I am more and when I do not that I am less and thus accept myself to live as polarity of the mind more / less.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see having money as be free and have freedom and thus desire to get lot of money, to have a lot of money and by this desire separate myself from money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as a slave when I do not have money and thus do things which makes from me slave of money because I saw myself that way.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father and see him as bad because he took away my money away from me and thus think and believe that always someone will took away my money and thus act, behave the way this came true, because of this believe and because I existed in fear towards the money because of believe that money will be taken away from myself by some authority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to refuse to pay for that what I have to pay for.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father because he do not punished me when I wanted to steal in shop and when I stole money and thus think and believe that stole money is ok, because of seeing myself through punishment from my father, and thus what I was punished for see as bad and what I was not punished for see as good and ok.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through points my father punished me or not, and thus what I was punished for see as bad and judge as bad and what I was not see as good and ok, and thus exist within and as mind polarity of punished / not punished thus good / bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the energy friction as seeing myself through money and money by itself, and thus if I have money see me as superior and that I have right to talk and if not thus I have to shut up and remain silent and thus exist within and as polarity design of having / not having money and be this generate energy within me, as when I have money thus I am the one and superior and if not feel sadness, sorrow and pain and judge myself as bad and not worthy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see me through money and as that If I have money thus I am accepted and if not thus I am rejected by others, not seeing and realizing that it is me who have to accept me, not through money, but me as all as equal, no matter how much money I have.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to accept myself no matter if I have money or not.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through reward system and thus see myself that I will be rewarded by money and want to be rewarded by money if I do some action, and judge others as bad if they do not reward me with money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father as bad because ho do not gave me any money from those I found in wienna, because I desired to receive some money and expected that he will give me some money and thus exist within and as mind judgment of my father as bad because he do not fulfilled my desire and my expectation and thus separate myself from him.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge my father because he do not wanted to pay for glasses which I needed to see correctly and thus think and believe that it is ok when I do not want to pay for something I have to, and thus refuse to pay for that what I should.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and accept the money as part of me, and thus exist within and as separation from money in realms of the mind, not seeing and realizing that money as physical are the same as me, and that I am one and equal with money thus I can’t desire money I am already money also.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act, behave and create myself as opposite towards my mother as the one who think and believe that I do not need to calculate how much money I get and what I should pay for and thus use money effectively.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself through polarity of the mind as money, as having money thus see myself more than, and superior and having not money as less then thus inferior, exist within and as mind design of inferiority and superiority and compare myself with those who have more money and thus see myself inferior and that I can’t speak because I do not have money in comparison with those who have more, not seeing and realizing that within this I always compared myself with myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be as my father as he was making money by trading the stuff and thus want to also trade and prove to others that I can earn money by trading.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be good as my father in relation of getting the money, and better to provide money to my family that my family will never be short of money and have to not experience that what I did because our family was poor and thus see myself as poor and thus desire to have and get money for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that starting point as desire for wanting to have money is my self deception, as by this I am saying that I live separated from money and that I judge them.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became the slave of money because I separated myself from money and thus see them as more than me, not seeing and realizing that money are just physical as me, and that I am equal and one with money as physical.

. Thanks, Juraj

Day 135 : To realize – Real I see

                Within my process, I was falling many times, because I wanted to stand up because of comparison, information and knowledge and thus through this knowing wanting to change myself and let go the past as creation of me as a program.

                Many times I has been asking myself similar questions in regards of points I fall and why, and I was like in circle of wanting to stand up, but fall, wanting to prove others, and fall, wanting to show others, but fall, wanting to save others, but fall, wanting to live me, but fall, wanting to stop the mind, but fall.

                In certain period, my process became constant falling, everything I existed as was falling, falling and falling, what supported me most was my breath and self-forgiveness.

                I can say, that was almost certain, that I will be no longer here, but only to my breath and self forgiveness I am able to write this, and see myself and the world therefore from very different perspective.

                When I realized how much and how deep my self dishonesty go, I was like very sad from myself, as everything I became was just this being, trapped in the mind in many ways, not able to even decide one decision in self honesty.

                But after many falls, I realized, very simply point, and simplicity of standing the point, that simply, I do not have to do that, what mind tells me, that I do not have to follow the ideas, projections, believes, that I do not have to think, that I do not have to believe, hope or participate on any feeling or emotion, but just only see myself, and what I do and how the way how it really is.

                To see me, to see how and why I created myself as a program, is sometimes shocking, from perspective of seeing the consequences and mess of bullshits I created, and when I started to see this, I wanted simply get out of the mess I created, but I wanted to get out as the mind, and thus create even more mess for myself.

                There are several points I stopped within me, and I see why I did, but thus I remained falling and falling was because of simple point – my self dishonesty and patterns I created of myself about myself and my life, how I saw myself and why.

                I was not able to see how I can stand up for myself, I was not able to recognize, comprehend and realize for myself what are the points I fall and why, because of my very own dishonest nature, as simply living as the mind, as the one who needed everything what mind consist of to be able to live.

                When I started to see and realize for myself, that simply I am able to stop, I start to look only to the past when I fall, and thus see only that how cool it was when I stood point and how it is fucked all when I fall the point, thus instead of seeing here what I can do, how I can do, to stand the point again and really for myself, I was in the mind only looking how fucked it is when I fall, and thus compare myself in the mind with myself in the past, and gave all attention within me to my falls and thus I became simply incapable to really work effectively on the point, to take into consideration each part of me and thus see why I fall, and utilize this fall effectively.

                And because of this, some specific falls I repeated so many times, and also tried to solve so many times, that I became like completely lost in this point, instead of do the most simple thing I could, which I did finally for myself today.

                To  simply, place myself and everything related to this point in front of myself on the paper, and thus finally see what I became, why, and what are the secrets within me related to this point, and thus see why I keep on falling in this point.

                And I realized, that I wanted to stop because of others, because of information and knowledge, because of my separation from myself, because of me lying to me, because of me hiding, because of my own self dishonesty, because of my ego, because of judgment, because of perception of me and many other points related to this.

                And the most simply point was, that I did not realized, but I knew and simply, it is impossible to stand up and stop and let go, if one know, because knowing is of the mind, see and realize is self.

                And the question came up one being said:

We will see who really see, I see, do you see? And this seeing that being mentioned, means to realize the truth of ourselves. And to realize the truth, one simply have to became self-honest, there is not another way.

Thanks, Juraj