Within my process, I was falling
many times, because I wanted to stand up because of comparison, information and
knowledge and thus through this knowing wanting to change myself and let go the
past as creation of me as a program.
Many times I has been asking
myself similar questions in regards of points I fall and why, and I was like in
circle of wanting to stand up, but fall, wanting to prove others, and fall,
wanting to show others, but fall, wanting to save others, but fall, wanting to
live me, but fall, wanting to stop the mind, but fall.
In certain period, my process
became constant falling, everything I existed as was falling, falling and
falling, what supported me most was my breath and self-forgiveness.
I can say, that was almost
certain, that I will be no longer here, but only to my breath and self
forgiveness I am able to write this, and see myself and the world therefore
from very different perspective.
When I realized how much and how
deep my self dishonesty go, I was like very sad from myself, as everything I became
was just this being, trapped in the mind in many ways, not able to even decide
one decision in self honesty.
But after many falls, I realized,
very simply point, and simplicity of standing the point, that simply, I do not
have to do that, what mind tells me, that I do not have to follow the ideas,
projections, believes, that I do not have to think, that I do not have to
believe, hope or participate on any feeling or emotion, but just only see
myself, and what I do and how the way how it really is.
To see me, to see how and why I created
myself as a program, is sometimes shocking, from perspective of seeing the
consequences and mess of bullshits I created, and when I started to see this, I
wanted simply get out of the mess I created, but I wanted to get out as the
mind, and thus create even more mess for myself.
There are several points I stopped
within me, and I see why I did, but thus I remained falling and falling was
because of simple point – my self dishonesty and patterns I created of myself
about myself and my life, how I saw myself and why.
I was not able to see how I can
stand up for myself, I was not able to recognize, comprehend and realize for
myself what are the points I fall and why, because of my very own dishonest
nature, as simply living as the mind, as the one who needed everything what
mind consist of to be able to live.
When I started to see and
realize for myself, that simply I am able to stop, I start to look only to the
past when I fall, and thus see only that how cool it was when I stood point and
how it is fucked all when I fall the point, thus instead of seeing here what I can
do, how I can do, to stand the point again and really for myself, I was in the
mind only looking how fucked it is when I fall, and thus compare myself in the
mind with myself in the past, and gave all attention within me to my falls and
thus I became simply incapable to really work effectively on the point, to take
into consideration each part of me and thus see why I fall, and utilize this
fall effectively.
And because of this, some
specific falls I repeated so many times, and also tried to solve so many times,
that I became like completely lost in this point, instead of do the most simple
thing I could, which I did finally for myself today.
To simply, place myself and everything related to
this point in front of myself on the paper, and thus finally see what I became,
why, and what are the secrets within me related to this point, and thus see why
I keep on falling in this point.
And I realized, that I wanted to
stop because of others, because of information and knowledge, because of my
separation from myself, because of me lying to me, because of me hiding,
because of my own self dishonesty, because of my ego, because of judgment,
because of perception of me and many other points related to this.
And the most simply point was,
that I did not realized, but I knew and simply, it is impossible to stand up
and stop and let go, if one know, because knowing is of the mind, see and
realize is self.
And the question came up one
being said:
We will see
who really see, I see, do you see? And this seeing that being mentioned, means
to realize the truth of ourselves. And to realize the truth, one simply have to
became self-honest, there is not another way.
Thanks,
Juraj
