Day 135 : To realize – Real I see

                Within my process, I was falling many times, because I wanted to stand up because of comparison, information and knowledge and thus through this knowing wanting to change myself and let go the past as creation of me as a program.

                Many times I has been asking myself similar questions in regards of points I fall and why, and I was like in circle of wanting to stand up, but fall, wanting to prove others, and fall, wanting to show others, but fall, wanting to save others, but fall, wanting to live me, but fall, wanting to stop the mind, but fall.

                In certain period, my process became constant falling, everything I existed as was falling, falling and falling, what supported me most was my breath and self-forgiveness.

                I can say, that was almost certain, that I will be no longer here, but only to my breath and self forgiveness I am able to write this, and see myself and the world therefore from very different perspective.

                When I realized how much and how deep my self dishonesty go, I was like very sad from myself, as everything I became was just this being, trapped in the mind in many ways, not able to even decide one decision in self honesty.

                But after many falls, I realized, very simply point, and simplicity of standing the point, that simply, I do not have to do that, what mind tells me, that I do not have to follow the ideas, projections, believes, that I do not have to think, that I do not have to believe, hope or participate on any feeling or emotion, but just only see myself, and what I do and how the way how it really is.

                To see me, to see how and why I created myself as a program, is sometimes shocking, from perspective of seeing the consequences and mess of bullshits I created, and when I started to see this, I wanted simply get out of the mess I created, but I wanted to get out as the mind, and thus create even more mess for myself.

                There are several points I stopped within me, and I see why I did, but thus I remained falling and falling was because of simple point – my self dishonesty and patterns I created of myself about myself and my life, how I saw myself and why.

                I was not able to see how I can stand up for myself, I was not able to recognize, comprehend and realize for myself what are the points I fall and why, because of my very own dishonest nature, as simply living as the mind, as the one who needed everything what mind consist of to be able to live.

                When I started to see and realize for myself, that simply I am able to stop, I start to look only to the past when I fall, and thus see only that how cool it was when I stood point and how it is fucked all when I fall the point, thus instead of seeing here what I can do, how I can do, to stand the point again and really for myself, I was in the mind only looking how fucked it is when I fall, and thus compare myself in the mind with myself in the past, and gave all attention within me to my falls and thus I became simply incapable to really work effectively on the point, to take into consideration each part of me and thus see why I fall, and utilize this fall effectively.

                And because of this, some specific falls I repeated so many times, and also tried to solve so many times, that I became like completely lost in this point, instead of do the most simple thing I could, which I did finally for myself today.

                To  simply, place myself and everything related to this point in front of myself on the paper, and thus finally see what I became, why, and what are the secrets within me related to this point, and thus see why I keep on falling in this point.

                And I realized, that I wanted to stop because of others, because of information and knowledge, because of my separation from myself, because of me lying to me, because of me hiding, because of my own self dishonesty, because of my ego, because of judgment, because of perception of me and many other points related to this.

                And the most simply point was, that I did not realized, but I knew and simply, it is impossible to stand up and stop and let go, if one know, because knowing is of the mind, see and realize is self.

                And the question came up one being said:

We will see who really see, I see, do you see? And this seeing that being mentioned, means to realize the truth of ourselves. And to realize the truth, one simply have to became self-honest, there is not another way.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 98 : Embrace the darkness – Embrace myself

                I can see the light, yes the light to be and shine something has to be destroyed, depleted, till eventually light will deplete and cease to exist. Thus what will remain at the end of ends, at the end of days?

                The Darkness. The darkness will remain as darkness is and darkness does not have to be created, generated, darkness can and exists without light.

                Light is the subject to the darkness, not vice versa. Everything light exist as, consist of, is subject to darkness where light will stop when stopped to be generated, produced.

                And the light I can see provides me the ability to see the word the way I want to see it, and deny what I want to deny, but if I do so, will that I do not want to see cease to exists? No. Everything what is here will be here exactly the way it is, no matter how I would like to deny, to do not want to see. Thus to deny is silly.

                Do I really see when I see the light? Or this light is simply delusion of me, to interpret reality the way to be shiny and cool?

                What I see when I do not see light, when light do not exists, what I am? If the light can be turned off, thus I can’t be light. I light can be turned off, and I am not the light, I must be that what will remain thus darkness.

                Darkness is me and the darkness is who I am, but what is hidden in this darkness of me to not be seen and revealed?

                The evil of darkness in darkness as me I exist as. True self of me, the darkness of me, the evil of me, the beast as who I am. I am this darkness where mirrors are not necessary as wherever darkness is I am thus me thus I do not reflect myself to me as I am.

                I embrace myself as the evil of me, I embrace myself as beast of myself, as horror and terror of my beingness, as this is the nature of I exist in me, as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to accept myself as who I really am as darkness as evil of me, to do not embrace the beast of me, to do not embrace the horror and terror of myself I exist as and consist of.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to embrace myself as who I really am as darkness, here as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see the darkness of me, the evil of me but hide true me in the light.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see me but rather turn to light to do not see what and who I am as evil of me as darkness as who I am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 59 : Hide in fear – Hide in illusion

                 It is possible to hide oneself in fear? Yes it is. It is possible to remain hidden in fear? Yes it is. Is fear real? No. Fear is just energy experienced during events when one became frightened because of separation from oneself and not seeing directly in such events what really happened in reality, as to experience fear or frightening one have to be in mind, in thoughts, one have to already have the platform within mind created of what can possibly frighten oneself, and thus experience of fear manifest, apparently for one experiencing fear it came very real, as one within moment do not see it is just self delusion.

                Have a look. What is real is therefore real for everybody, as reality around us, the trees, the wind, the nature, we all see it and we all can experience such events and physical impact of nature, of sun, of wind, water and so. Thus this is only what is real. What you can touch, with your hands.

                The energy experiences within ones body, can’t be touched, and not matter how real it appears to oneself experiencing such energy movements, it is simply never real, as it is only self delusion of persona experiencing such energy flows, and thus, created by thoughts, which are based on past experiences, and therefore just repeating over and over again, as that is what is already contained within mind and can’t be anything new, just past, over and over and over.

                Stop thinking, and you will became real being, living here in reality, experiencing and living the life, directing and supporting life, not because of energy, as energy will be no more, but self as expression of self and what self really is.

                Try to explore, how it could be, to live without thoughts in mind. It is more than “pleasure”

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of myself in separation from myself through believe, fear and idea of myself of who I am, instead of being here within and as moment of breath, equal to me, equal with me, living me and expressing me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that hiding can protect me from being harmed, hurt, laughed on me, that hiding is my protection and that I need protection from myself as I separated myself from myself through ideas, believes, fear, and past experiences of being hurt, harmed and thus hold myself into such events, not seeing and not realizing that this events do not exist anymore, not seeing and realizing that anything I experienced is not more here, it is just container of memories within and as my mind I allowed and accepted to myself to live, to became and reflect.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize for myself that only one moment exist, always, and that I am equal and one within and as moment which is here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define here and being here as presence within and as my memories activated through act of thinking and participating on thinking, creating energy experiences for myself and therefore think and believe that thus I am here, instead of seeing and realizing that any thought which came up, means I am not more here but in the mind, that any energy flow I experience is not real, that and projection in my mind is not real, that any idea, believe, has been told to me and thus I copied accordingly my likeness and my self definition towards such idea, believe, projection.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define being here as being present in the mind, as being in and as my mind, as living the mind, as accepting the mind, as a system, as a program of myself I allowed to live, instead of seeing and realizing for myself, that being here is simplicity of breath, in breath and out breath as moment which exist, equal and one with, equal and one with body as flesh as physical which exists and which I can touch.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see the simplicity of living here, with and as breath of life which I am, but allowing and accepting to live as reflection of my past, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create myself on fear, my living on fear, the experiences of myself on fear in separation from myself, and not allowing and accepting myself to break all fears I allowed to live and define myself into.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 57 : Fear of sexual expression

                When I became teenager and the sexual fantasies and projections became within me so unfulfilled, and when I started to date with first girl or start to have first sexual experiences, and then first sexual intercourse, I became a bit surprised, this is sex?

                My fantasies, and what sex could be, was a bit different then what was happening in reality, after first sex with a girl I became a bit surprised, as I expected something “mind blowing” but nothing like that happened, the energy experience was even worse than during masturbation.

                It was like, something is wrong here, maybe with me, maybe with the perception of sex and sexuality I imagined, as it was years and year of fantasies till I became “old” enough to have sex. And then, like disappointment took place. After some period it was better, but my fantasies was never fulfilled, as I had within me tons and tons of possibilities what I could do with a girl, but due to the various circumstances lot of fantasies I never did, as simply according rules, dogmas and perception within me, girl I was with and society thus was impossible to “make it real “. But to fulfill desires is anyway irrelevant, as it was always just only a desire, never real expression of me.

                From the time I first kissed a girl, this type of thoughts came up within me during all period of my sexual experiences with girls: Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body? …and many, many more.

                What is the point of all questions written above? Fear. Only one point why I asked those questions is simply fear. As sexuality was not understood at all within me, at sexuality within and as me was always based on imagination, projections, desires, fear, expectations and energy movement within me, thus I shaped myself accordingly and created myself as a reflections of such points, where physical sexual expression absolutely missed, always. I was never here, present as breathe as me, simply never. Everything I experienced with girls, was simply mind based, and therefore based on fear.

                I never expressed in front of any girl as who I am as sexual expression as me, as physical movement of myself, physical touch, simple never.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to express myself sexually, as sex of myself as sex of me as sex of my physical body as who I am as physical here, within and as breath, equal and one.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me projections, fantasies, expectations, desires, perception about sex and what sex could be, and what I should experience and how instead of being here within and as my breath and express myself as who I am as my physical body as sex as touch of the physical.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to touch myself in separation from myself, to fear to express myself as touch as a worry and fear what will girl in front of me think.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body and thus fear to express myself as touch here, as who I am as physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my expression as sex on the thoughts in and as my mind, to define myself with and towards the thoughts of fear within me as : “Did I kiss her correctly? Did she like it? It was ok to kiss this way? Can I touch her? Can I touch her this way? Can I touch her ass? How she will react? Is she ok with me? Does she like me? Does she want to touch me? Can I put this dress down from her? Does she like my body? Does she perceive me like a male? Do I behave correctly as a male? Should I be gentler to her? Or should I be rougher to her? Should I just grab her? Can I push on her? Does she want to have sex with me? How can I make her to want to have sex with me? Can I observe her body in front of her? What she will think if I will observe her body? Can I say her what I like? Can I say her I like her body?” where I allowed to be directed by fear and not seeing and realizing that through this I am living the mind and not myself as presence of me, as presence within and as moment which is here as breath, equal and one with my body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my movements with my hands, my legs, my body and the words I say in front of girl on fear, on fear in separation myself form myself, where I feared myself and not seeing and realizing that I expressed myself within and as fear of the mind and thus nothing of such expression was real expression of me, but just following the program of fear as energy as energy enslavement of myself into and as fear.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to dance with a girl in moment as a fear and worry what she will think about me, how she will react and what she will say and from this hide myself in fear in front of girl and hide myself into and as my mind, instead of being here within and as breath equal and one with my body and do not allow and accept to myself to be directed by the mind as fear of expressing myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to enslave myself within and as fear of the mind as projections, worries, thoughts, desires in separation myself form myself and thus hide myself in front of myself, hide and tremble in fear to express myself equal and one with me body, here in presence of me in and as my breath, as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore my body, to fear to experience my body as physical, to fear to be equal and one within and as breath with my body here, as a fear and worry to be ashamed, laughed when I express myself equal and one as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of myself as a fear of being ashamed and laughed when I express myself as sex, as sex as physical movements of myself, equal and one with my breath.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to explore who I am as sex as sexual expression of me as my physical body.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself and my expression of sex as physical touch, movement of my body into and as a mind energy entity, where through projections, ideas, believes I allowed imagine what sex should be instead of expression myself as sex as sexual expression of me.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide and separate myself from my body through ideas, and believes about sex , projections and desires what sex should be, imagination of how I should experience sex or what this experiences should be, instead of expression myself equal and one with my physical body as sex, instead of expressing myself equal and one as movement and touch of my body here, equal with and as breath as who I am here.

Thanks, Juraj