Day 147 : Relationship towards me

                I experienced hard pain right in the center of my chest, pressure, even not allowing me to breathe, and within in breath pain raised and pain while breathing became so unpleasant.

                I saw the cause of this pain, as relationship I created within me towards me, and what are the points I created this relationship with me, obviously I based this on my mind, components of the mind and thus living as the mind. As the relationship I created within me towards myself, and thus shape and mold myself accordingly, is of thoughts, perceptions, ideas and believes about myself.

                And as each thought is dishonesty and self deception, thus relationship towards myself I created as self deception of me, as self dishonesty and thus accepting my living this way. As each thought is abuse and manipulation of myself, thus I created the relationship towards me based on abuse of me and manipulation of me. As the each thought is torture of physical, as each energy is pain and cruelty towards myself , thus relationship towards me I created as mind and physical became based on torture, pain and cruelty towards myself.

                Interestingly, this points I was not aware of before, and I perceived everything of this as the mind as living my life, not aware what I am really doing towards myself and why.

                To see and realize why I do what I do, how I created and why myself the way I did, is crucial point to became self honest and stable within and as breath.

                This is quite sad, that our living, we based on mind without questioning the mind and functions of, that we accepted to create ourselves on pain, torture and abuse and even not seeing and realizing that we are doing it.

                I was not aware how I tortured myself, I was not able to see how I abused me, and yes, within this is great simplicity. As each thought, is simply self-abuse, self-manipulation and self-torture. Because within this, self is saying that is less that illusion of the mind, and that what is real as flesh has to submit to an illusion.

                Question is, would you submit to an order, saying you that you have to punish yourself, abuse, manipulate, diminish and torture you, if you would be able clearly see, that this order comes up from illusion, in meaning, that something which is not real, wants you to submit to this form of living? If you would be able to see, that what or who is speaking this to you is just program, created to have control over you? Would you submit to a robot, speaking to you to live according words of program robot has been programmed?

                You probably would reply no, but within this, actually, that robot, that program, is the voice in your head, you believe, is you.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards myself based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, believes which are of the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I deceived myself and my living and my life, that I abused, manipulated and tortured myself as life, with each thought, each component of the mind, not seeing and realizing that I am not the mind, but breath of life in equality and oneness with and as my physical body as flesh, therefore not seeing and realizing that I abused, manipulated and tortured the physical as my body with the accepting of living as the mind, as program based on polarity and thus energy friction which is generated based on this living in and as polarity design of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards myself as physical body based on that what I copied from my parents, from my environment I grew up and thus that I submitted to that which has been external influences on myself and thus create, shape and mold myself according that which influenced me as external points as behavior of people around me and thus I copied that what I liked and create the positive perception of this and create myself as opposite of the what I do not liked and thus trapped myself into and as polarity design of the mind as good / bad, likeness / do not like and thus exist as program of polarity, instead of living me as life, as flesh within moment here, equal and one with my physical body, not seeing and realizing that by my own submission to the mind I diminished myself as life and tortured myself as life each way possible.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create relationship towards myself based on illusions of the mind, and therefore that I submit the real flesh as my physical body to the illusions and became follower of this illusion and thus living the illusion, not seeing and realizing that by this I created relationship towards myself based on lie of the mind, lie of the energy experiences, lie of the ideas, believes, perceptions, projection, information and knowledge of this world, not seeing and realizing that by this I manipulated myself, tortured, diminished and dishonored and therefore accepted and allowed to myself to live a lie of the mind, to live a lie of the system, lie of the program as design created to enslave me and trap me through my own acceptances and allowances towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that polarity as the good / bad, nice / ugly,  superior / inferior, more / less, is real and that this polarities is real living, not seeing that but accepting polarities I simply split myself into two, where I moved within and as polarities of the mind and thus generate the energy as the friction between this polarities as judgments of myself, not seeing and realizing that this judgments are not real, not real seeing me as who I really am as physical as flesh as one, but just following the program of friction and polarity and thus living trapped in the mind, not seeing and realizing that nothing as good or bad do not exists, not seeing and realizing that nothing like superiority or inferiority is real, not seeing and realizing that nothing like more / less do not exists, not seeing that physical as life is real here, stable and one, and that I separated myself from life, from physical by judgments of myself, that I separated myself from myself through accepting to judge me, through accepting to split me, to do not live me but just design of polarities as brainwashing of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that any energy experience within my body is real, and think and believe that any of this is real, not seeing and realizing that by this believe I separated myself from myself, that I created distance from myself, because of energy experiences I believes are real, not seeing and realizing that this is not possible to be real, as what is real must remain, and what is not real have an end, and thus only what is real is physical therefore my body as flesh, as matter, and that this is only value which matters.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that here is only one constant which always remain, and that it is physical and therefore anything which do not remain is illusions, therefore I separated myself as a being from that what is real as physical because of accepting living the in and as the trap of the mind as polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that everything I know as information and knowledge is of the mind therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything of the thoughts and of feelings and emotions is of the mind, therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that only what is real will remain, thus it is my responsibility to stop to live and illusion and became equal and one with the physical as my body and stop abuse, torture and manipulation of myself with thoughts.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 135 : To realize – Real I see

                Within my process, I was falling many times, because I wanted to stand up because of comparison, information and knowledge and thus through this knowing wanting to change myself and let go the past as creation of me as a program.

                Many times I has been asking myself similar questions in regards of points I fall and why, and I was like in circle of wanting to stand up, but fall, wanting to prove others, and fall, wanting to show others, but fall, wanting to save others, but fall, wanting to live me, but fall, wanting to stop the mind, but fall.

                In certain period, my process became constant falling, everything I existed as was falling, falling and falling, what supported me most was my breath and self-forgiveness.

                I can say, that was almost certain, that I will be no longer here, but only to my breath and self forgiveness I am able to write this, and see myself and the world therefore from very different perspective.

                When I realized how much and how deep my self dishonesty go, I was like very sad from myself, as everything I became was just this being, trapped in the mind in many ways, not able to even decide one decision in self honesty.

                But after many falls, I realized, very simply point, and simplicity of standing the point, that simply, I do not have to do that, what mind tells me, that I do not have to follow the ideas, projections, believes, that I do not have to think, that I do not have to believe, hope or participate on any feeling or emotion, but just only see myself, and what I do and how the way how it really is.

                To see me, to see how and why I created myself as a program, is sometimes shocking, from perspective of seeing the consequences and mess of bullshits I created, and when I started to see this, I wanted simply get out of the mess I created, but I wanted to get out as the mind, and thus create even more mess for myself.

                There are several points I stopped within me, and I see why I did, but thus I remained falling and falling was because of simple point – my self dishonesty and patterns I created of myself about myself and my life, how I saw myself and why.

                I was not able to see how I can stand up for myself, I was not able to recognize, comprehend and realize for myself what are the points I fall and why, because of my very own dishonest nature, as simply living as the mind, as the one who needed everything what mind consist of to be able to live.

                When I started to see and realize for myself, that simply I am able to stop, I start to look only to the past when I fall, and thus see only that how cool it was when I stood point and how it is fucked all when I fall the point, thus instead of seeing here what I can do, how I can do, to stand the point again and really for myself, I was in the mind only looking how fucked it is when I fall, and thus compare myself in the mind with myself in the past, and gave all attention within me to my falls and thus I became simply incapable to really work effectively on the point, to take into consideration each part of me and thus see why I fall, and utilize this fall effectively.

                And because of this, some specific falls I repeated so many times, and also tried to solve so many times, that I became like completely lost in this point, instead of do the most simple thing I could, which I did finally for myself today.

                To  simply, place myself and everything related to this point in front of myself on the paper, and thus finally see what I became, why, and what are the secrets within me related to this point, and thus see why I keep on falling in this point.

                And I realized, that I wanted to stop because of others, because of information and knowledge, because of my separation from myself, because of me lying to me, because of me hiding, because of my own self dishonesty, because of my ego, because of judgment, because of perception of me and many other points related to this.

                And the most simply point was, that I did not realized, but I knew and simply, it is impossible to stand up and stop and let go, if one know, because knowing is of the mind, see and realize is self.

                And the question came up one being said:

We will see who really see, I see, do you see? And this seeing that being mentioned, means to realize the truth of ourselves. And to realize the truth, one simply have to became self-honest, there is not another way.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 128 : Eye movement – programming of self

                I realized interesting point, that within my eye movement, I can see what my program is, how I look and see the world outside, what are the points I seek and look one, how I move with my eyes, how often I blink with me eyes, which pictures I see with my eyes, how I search for energy through eyes.

                Interestingly, mind utilize eyes each moment of movement, just question is, is this eye movement automatic? If yes, observe just for a while, how you move with your eyes and why, what true reason of this movement is, place questions for this movements, search and seek why you move with your eyes the way you do.

                Within this, you will see the polarity play-out, when and how often you are inferior or superior, what the likeness as what you like is, and what not, within the eyes and movements of eyes you can find many points, to be able to see and realize how you programmed yourself.

                The school, is one of the strongest point, and education system for this eye movements, as getting information into and as mind as the reading has been utilized to receive knowledge and thus provide to the mind what mind requires, knowledge and information of this world, but after all, everything is in place to keep humans enslaved, trapped, and to conform the rules of society and never place question towards the points which has been read.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see, that education system of this world is in place to program myself through information and knowledge to keep me as the mind busy, and do not question information in front of me, and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to receive, store and get information as knowledge from the books in the school and do not question this information.

Thanks, Juraj