Day 161 : Revenge – You will see

                I was quite shocked when I realized how much revenge became part of my life, how much I took on way of revenge. I became living revenge even not noticing I am doing so, but I was.

                The revenge, by itself, I was always in that position, that this is not me, this is not part of me, and finally revenge has nothing to do with me. I even never looked on this point, I never investigated, as I was completely convinced that revenge, really is not the point I should look on. Actually, things have been other way round.

                I was living my revenge, my life became revenge, in silence and patient. This revenge is linked to several thoughts, to projections within me to the future and finally as revenge to those or that I experienced myself being treated not the way I would like.

                The moments father took hand on me, the mother or brothers or sister, secret revenge ignited within me, as the point, as projection – just wait, you will see.

                The revenge was not plan or something I would like to harm someone, no, just this point, projected to the future, that one day the moment will come and you will see. But as this point or this revenge has not been specified, how I would like to revenge to someone or something, thus it was like open for many scenarios when, where and how I could eventually accomplish my revenge, yes my purpose of my life.

                Revenge became the very part and very reason why I am here, I created many situations where this revenge has been accomplished, yet not noticing that I was the point who did so. This is quite disturbing, that I was not aware what I am living and what I am busy accomplishing, but on the road of self-destruction because where revenge can one lead? It is simple.

                I asked myself many times, what is the driving force which makes me to do some specific things, and yes ego but ego is created by huge amount of multiple energies based on fears, the question relevant for me was, the very reason, the very purpose, the core point.

                Revenge, I was many times desperate to find out what it is, what and why, but with no success as how I could see this if this point was complete denial within me, but actually busy planning and scheming my revenge.

                When I started to see, that I am able to plot against other within me, I was surprised how much shit I am able to produce, many forms, many scenarios, possibilities how my revenge can be fulfilled, accomplished. In several points I really took on this road, and completed my revenge, but how tricky. It would not look that way, but I see it was my revenge, why I have done several things.

                Revenge towards my father, in fact I saw him as oppressor and I just liked him when he was in fine mood, but nothing could wipe out the revenge I desired for him. The same towards my mother, to show her that her god, will never come and never help. My revenge, is specific towards her. The things I was aware she pray for me and go to church day by day to pray for me I was doing the opposite just for the reason, to show her how useless her praying’s  are and that those will never come true, but in this revenge destroying my life. My revenge towards oldest brother, is specific in fear I ignited within him and let him in his fear for decades and he never recovered and that fear became his torture I was satisfied with.

                I was able to wait for my moment, patiently, secretly, without awareness of this, yet living life one could perceive as ordinary, it was not so. My life, was not ordinary as experiences I came through convinced me, that revenge, is what I need and have to accomplish, and always it was just like silent thought, just one as the saying within me – You will see, just wait. And everything elated to this I let open. Not specified when, what or how, but when the moment come, I took on my revenge. I became satisfied from certain perspective, but yet noticing I am ruining my life.

                Obviously, I wanted to live the way how others do, but the driving force within me, was the revenge and so strong, yet so suppressed I was blind that me as ego is following the road of revenge.

                Why and how revenge has been ignited, was specific and various form situations or personas, but always after someone threated me the way I do not liked, when I experienced myself as sadness, or when I perceived myself being hurt, do not matter which way, that was my excuse and validation why my revenge is valid, why those persona deserve that revenge, and simply is amazing how fast this could be schemed and plotted within the mind, just one moment and it is done.

                When I saw my father dying, I cried as I liked him, but in the same time I saw the oppressor in agony of pain and I became satisfied. This satisfaction of my revenge, always came after time, when I saw how life of those I plotted against go, and many times my actions and words changed directions of the lives of that people, mostly the words.

                The words many times I used as a gun, the revenge as trigger and the bullets my very words and then actions. Relationship within me, towards me, as me, was based on revenge and yes, I did.

                I show to many, who they are yet who is me was never revealed, as why I should as therefore my revenge would not be able to come true.

                By this, I almost destroyed my life, and my revenge led me through though situations, anyway it is done. My life and the future of my life is very uncertain, and simply each day for me is uncertain, after everything, despite the fact what I created, I am ok with that.

                I helped to many and I hurt many, the ratio between this is for me, here completely irrelevant, as the past is what past is. Yet just few will be able to see through my words.

                This realization is for me, very liberating act, despite the fact, how long way is in front of me.

Thanks, Juraj

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that revenge towards those which hurt me is valid and they deserve my revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base my life, relationship towards myself on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek the fulfillment of my life in revenge towards those which hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based my life and the purpose of my life on revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live just for sake of revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek satisfaction in revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living revenge, not seeing and realizing that by this I am taking on road of revenge towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself by energetic experiences of sadness, feeling myself being hurt, lied, deceived and by this validate revenge I decided to accomplish and by this wanting to punish those which treated me those way, and thus live the punishment & revenge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became living punishment and revenge as the satisfaction of my life, as my very purpose of my life, hidden within my secret mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that revenge is valid because I was lied, deceived, hurt and thus I have to punish those which did so, to show them that I can hurt them also, but different way, by different means, in future when my moment come, for them to experience also the same I experienced within me when they lied me, deceived me, and hurt me and thus blame them for my experiences and want and desire to give this back to them.

                 I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up my revenge, because my revenge became me, me became the revenge and purpose of my life, and thus I cannot give up my life, because my life became revenge by itself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hold onto the memories of being hurt, deceived and lied and thus live in the past of this memories as wanting to punish and revenge to those which was responsible for such moments because I blamed them for my experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge to everybody who I believed my revenge should be directed to.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see revenge and punishment as valid point how to show others what they have done and that punishment will come and that they will not be aware why and how that happened, because they will not remember the moment when and how they lied, deceived or hurt me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to revenge so much, that I ignored consequences which this will bring to my life and for myself, because me as the revenge was my very purpose why I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be satisfied when I saw the misery and trauma of those which deceived me, lied to me or hurt me, because this was the point of fulfilling and accomplishing my revenge because of my believe they deserve that.

Day 147 : Relationship towards me

                I experienced hard pain right in the center of my chest, pressure, even not allowing me to breathe, and within in breath pain raised and pain while breathing became so unpleasant.

                I saw the cause of this pain, as relationship I created within me towards me, and what are the points I created this relationship with me, obviously I based this on my mind, components of the mind and thus living as the mind. As the relationship I created within me towards myself, and thus shape and mold myself accordingly, is of thoughts, perceptions, ideas and believes about myself.

                And as each thought is dishonesty and self deception, thus relationship towards myself I created as self deception of me, as self dishonesty and thus accepting my living this way. As each thought is abuse and manipulation of myself, thus I created the relationship towards me based on abuse of me and manipulation of me. As the each thought is torture of physical, as each energy is pain and cruelty towards myself , thus relationship towards me I created as mind and physical became based on torture, pain and cruelty towards myself.

                Interestingly, this points I was not aware of before, and I perceived everything of this as the mind as living my life, not aware what I am really doing towards myself and why.

                To see and realize why I do what I do, how I created and why myself the way I did, is crucial point to became self honest and stable within and as breath.

                This is quite sad, that our living, we based on mind without questioning the mind and functions of, that we accepted to create ourselves on pain, torture and abuse and even not seeing and realizing that we are doing it.

                I was not aware how I tortured myself, I was not able to see how I abused me, and yes, within this is great simplicity. As each thought, is simply self-abuse, self-manipulation and self-torture. Because within this, self is saying that is less that illusion of the mind, and that what is real as flesh has to submit to an illusion.

                Question is, would you submit to an order, saying you that you have to punish yourself, abuse, manipulate, diminish and torture you, if you would be able clearly see, that this order comes up from illusion, in meaning, that something which is not real, wants you to submit to this form of living? If you would be able to see, that what or who is speaking this to you is just program, created to have control over you? Would you submit to a robot, speaking to you to live according words of program robot has been programmed?

                You probably would reply no, but within this, actually, that robot, that program, is the voice in your head, you believe, is you.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards myself based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, believes which are of the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I deceived myself and my living and my life, that I abused, manipulated and tortured myself as life, with each thought, each component of the mind, not seeing and realizing that I am not the mind, but breath of life in equality and oneness with and as my physical body as flesh, therefore not seeing and realizing that I abused, manipulated and tortured the physical as my body with the accepting of living as the mind, as program based on polarity and thus energy friction which is generated based on this living in and as polarity design of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards myself as physical body based on that what I copied from my parents, from my environment I grew up and thus that I submitted to that which has been external influences on myself and thus create, shape and mold myself according that which influenced me as external points as behavior of people around me and thus I copied that what I liked and create the positive perception of this and create myself as opposite of the what I do not liked and thus trapped myself into and as polarity design of the mind as good / bad, likeness / do not like and thus exist as program of polarity, instead of living me as life, as flesh within moment here, equal and one with my physical body, not seeing and realizing that by my own submission to the mind I diminished myself as life and tortured myself as life each way possible.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create relationship towards myself based on illusions of the mind, and therefore that I submit the real flesh as my physical body to the illusions and became follower of this illusion and thus living the illusion, not seeing and realizing that by this I created relationship towards myself based on lie of the mind, lie of the energy experiences, lie of the ideas, believes, perceptions, projection, information and knowledge of this world, not seeing and realizing that by this I manipulated myself, tortured, diminished and dishonored and therefore accepted and allowed to myself to live a lie of the mind, to live a lie of the system, lie of the program as design created to enslave me and trap me through my own acceptances and allowances towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that polarity as the good / bad, nice / ugly,  superior / inferior, more / less, is real and that this polarities is real living, not seeing that but accepting polarities I simply split myself into two, where I moved within and as polarities of the mind and thus generate the energy as the friction between this polarities as judgments of myself, not seeing and realizing that this judgments are not real, not real seeing me as who I really am as physical as flesh as one, but just following the program of friction and polarity and thus living trapped in the mind, not seeing and realizing that nothing as good or bad do not exists, not seeing and realizing that nothing like superiority or inferiority is real, not seeing and realizing that nothing like more / less do not exists, not seeing that physical as life is real here, stable and one, and that I separated myself from life, from physical by judgments of myself, that I separated myself from myself through accepting to judge me, through accepting to split me, to do not live me but just design of polarities as brainwashing of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that any energy experience within my body is real, and think and believe that any of this is real, not seeing and realizing that by this believe I separated myself from myself, that I created distance from myself, because of energy experiences I believes are real, not seeing and realizing that this is not possible to be real, as what is real must remain, and what is not real have an end, and thus only what is real is physical therefore my body as flesh, as matter, and that this is only value which matters.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that here is only one constant which always remain, and that it is physical and therefore anything which do not remain is illusions, therefore I separated myself as a being from that what is real as physical because of accepting living the in and as the trap of the mind as polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that everything I know as information and knowledge is of the mind therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything of the thoughts and of feelings and emotions is of the mind, therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that only what is real will remain, thus it is my responsibility to stop to live and illusion and became equal and one with the physical as my body and stop abuse, torture and manipulation of myself with thoughts.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 135 : To realize – Real I see

                Within my process, I was falling many times, because I wanted to stand up because of comparison, information and knowledge and thus through this knowing wanting to change myself and let go the past as creation of me as a program.

                Many times I has been asking myself similar questions in regards of points I fall and why, and I was like in circle of wanting to stand up, but fall, wanting to prove others, and fall, wanting to show others, but fall, wanting to save others, but fall, wanting to live me, but fall, wanting to stop the mind, but fall.

                In certain period, my process became constant falling, everything I existed as was falling, falling and falling, what supported me most was my breath and self-forgiveness.

                I can say, that was almost certain, that I will be no longer here, but only to my breath and self forgiveness I am able to write this, and see myself and the world therefore from very different perspective.

                When I realized how much and how deep my self dishonesty go, I was like very sad from myself, as everything I became was just this being, trapped in the mind in many ways, not able to even decide one decision in self honesty.

                But after many falls, I realized, very simply point, and simplicity of standing the point, that simply, I do not have to do that, what mind tells me, that I do not have to follow the ideas, projections, believes, that I do not have to think, that I do not have to believe, hope or participate on any feeling or emotion, but just only see myself, and what I do and how the way how it really is.

                To see me, to see how and why I created myself as a program, is sometimes shocking, from perspective of seeing the consequences and mess of bullshits I created, and when I started to see this, I wanted simply get out of the mess I created, but I wanted to get out as the mind, and thus create even more mess for myself.

                There are several points I stopped within me, and I see why I did, but thus I remained falling and falling was because of simple point – my self dishonesty and patterns I created of myself about myself and my life, how I saw myself and why.

                I was not able to see how I can stand up for myself, I was not able to recognize, comprehend and realize for myself what are the points I fall and why, because of my very own dishonest nature, as simply living as the mind, as the one who needed everything what mind consist of to be able to live.

                When I started to see and realize for myself, that simply I am able to stop, I start to look only to the past when I fall, and thus see only that how cool it was when I stood point and how it is fucked all when I fall the point, thus instead of seeing here what I can do, how I can do, to stand the point again and really for myself, I was in the mind only looking how fucked it is when I fall, and thus compare myself in the mind with myself in the past, and gave all attention within me to my falls and thus I became simply incapable to really work effectively on the point, to take into consideration each part of me and thus see why I fall, and utilize this fall effectively.

                And because of this, some specific falls I repeated so many times, and also tried to solve so many times, that I became like completely lost in this point, instead of do the most simple thing I could, which I did finally for myself today.

                To  simply, place myself and everything related to this point in front of myself on the paper, and thus finally see what I became, why, and what are the secrets within me related to this point, and thus see why I keep on falling in this point.

                And I realized, that I wanted to stop because of others, because of information and knowledge, because of my separation from myself, because of me lying to me, because of me hiding, because of my own self dishonesty, because of my ego, because of judgment, because of perception of me and many other points related to this.

                And the most simply point was, that I did not realized, but I knew and simply, it is impossible to stand up and stop and let go, if one know, because knowing is of the mind, see and realize is self.

                And the question came up one being said:

We will see who really see, I see, do you see? And this seeing that being mentioned, means to realize the truth of ourselves. And to realize the truth, one simply have to became self-honest, there is not another way.

Thanks, Juraj