Day 147 : Relationship towards me

                I experienced hard pain right in the center of my chest, pressure, even not allowing me to breathe, and within in breath pain raised and pain while breathing became so unpleasant.

                I saw the cause of this pain, as relationship I created within me towards me, and what are the points I created this relationship with me, obviously I based this on my mind, components of the mind and thus living as the mind. As the relationship I created within me towards myself, and thus shape and mold myself accordingly, is of thoughts, perceptions, ideas and believes about myself.

                And as each thought is dishonesty and self deception, thus relationship towards myself I created as self deception of me, as self dishonesty and thus accepting my living this way. As each thought is abuse and manipulation of myself, thus I created the relationship towards me based on abuse of me and manipulation of me. As the each thought is torture of physical, as each energy is pain and cruelty towards myself , thus relationship towards me I created as mind and physical became based on torture, pain and cruelty towards myself.

                Interestingly, this points I was not aware of before, and I perceived everything of this as the mind as living my life, not aware what I am really doing towards myself and why.

                To see and realize why I do what I do, how I created and why myself the way I did, is crucial point to became self honest and stable within and as breath.

                This is quite sad, that our living, we based on mind without questioning the mind and functions of, that we accepted to create ourselves on pain, torture and abuse and even not seeing and realizing that we are doing it.

                I was not aware how I tortured myself, I was not able to see how I abused me, and yes, within this is great simplicity. As each thought, is simply self-abuse, self-manipulation and self-torture. Because within this, self is saying that is less that illusion of the mind, and that what is real as flesh has to submit to an illusion.

                Question is, would you submit to an order, saying you that you have to punish yourself, abuse, manipulate, diminish and torture you, if you would be able clearly see, that this order comes up from illusion, in meaning, that something which is not real, wants you to submit to this form of living? If you would be able to see, that what or who is speaking this to you is just program, created to have control over you? Would you submit to a robot, speaking to you to live according words of program robot has been programmed?

                You probably would reply no, but within this, actually, that robot, that program, is the voice in your head, you believe, is you.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards myself based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, perceptions, ideas, believes which are of the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I deceived myself and my living and my life, that I abused, manipulated and tortured myself as life, with each thought, each component of the mind, not seeing and realizing that I am not the mind, but breath of life in equality and oneness with and as my physical body as flesh, therefore not seeing and realizing that I abused, manipulated and tortured the physical as my body with the accepting of living as the mind, as program based on polarity and thus energy friction which is generated based on this living in and as polarity design of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards myself as physical body based on that what I copied from my parents, from my environment I grew up and thus that I submitted to that which has been external influences on myself and thus create, shape and mold myself according that which influenced me as external points as behavior of people around me and thus I copied that what I liked and create the positive perception of this and create myself as opposite of the what I do not liked and thus trapped myself into and as polarity design of the mind as good / bad, likeness / do not like and thus exist as program of polarity, instead of living me as life, as flesh within moment here, equal and one with my physical body, not seeing and realizing that by my own submission to the mind I diminished myself as life and tortured myself as life each way possible.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create relationship towards myself based on illusions of the mind, and therefore that I submit the real flesh as my physical body to the illusions and became follower of this illusion and thus living the illusion, not seeing and realizing that by this I created relationship towards myself based on lie of the mind, lie of the energy experiences, lie of the ideas, believes, perceptions, projection, information and knowledge of this world, not seeing and realizing that by this I manipulated myself, tortured, diminished and dishonored and therefore accepted and allowed to myself to live a lie of the mind, to live a lie of the system, lie of the program as design created to enslave me and trap me through my own acceptances and allowances towards myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that polarity as the good / bad, nice / ugly,  superior / inferior, more / less, is real and that this polarities is real living, not seeing that but accepting polarities I simply split myself into two, where I moved within and as polarities of the mind and thus generate the energy as the friction between this polarities as judgments of myself, not seeing and realizing that this judgments are not real, not real seeing me as who I really am as physical as flesh as one, but just following the program of friction and polarity and thus living trapped in the mind, not seeing and realizing that nothing as good or bad do not exists, not seeing and realizing that nothing like superiority or inferiority is real, not seeing and realizing that nothing like more / less do not exists, not seeing that physical as life is real here, stable and one, and that I separated myself from life, from physical by judgments of myself, that I separated myself from myself through accepting to judge me, through accepting to split me, to do not live me but just design of polarities as brainwashing of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that any energy experience within my body is real, and think and believe that any of this is real, not seeing and realizing that by this believe I separated myself from myself, that I created distance from myself, because of energy experiences I believes are real, not seeing and realizing that this is not possible to be real, as what is real must remain, and what is not real have an end, and thus only what is real is physical therefore my body as flesh, as matter, and that this is only value which matters.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that here is only one constant which always remain, and that it is physical and therefore anything which do not remain is illusions, therefore I separated myself as a being from that what is real as physical because of accepting living the in and as the trap of the mind as polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that everything I know as information and knowledge is of the mind therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that anything of the thoughts and of feelings and emotions is of the mind, therefore not real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize, that only what is real will remain, thus it is my responsibility to stop to live and illusion and became equal and one with the physical as my body and stop abuse, torture and manipulation of myself with thoughts.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 82 : Relationships : I want to have money

                As I realized, many things in my life I did just because of the point of wanting to have the money, as I was short of. As I separated from the money, thus I created relationship with the money, as a perception that I do not have money, even when I had, and thus wanting and desiring to have money.

                When I was a child, my father usually took away from me, and thus what I perceived is mine, was never mine as always I had to give it away, thus the relationship I created with the money within me, was that I do not have money, and even when I had, thus that those money will be taken away from me, or that someone will take away those money, as the perception of my father.

                The financial education I got from my parents, was so poor, that relationship I created within me towards money as a point of separation from money, is and was simply disaster. I lacked always to consider money just as support of myself within my environment, and I always lacked to see money as me and simply as a tool to support me. I wanted to have it, even I was not aware why, but mostly because money was always taken away from me. Thus I wanted and desired to want to have something which was always taken away, as I never understood why, why my father behaved the way he did, and why I couldn’t have and use the money I worked for, even as a child I worked for money, and I never had anything from that.

                The perception, and seeing money as something, which will be always taken away from me, led me through many years of struggle of using of money, as therefore I used them the most inappropriate ways, as I always had within me this believe, that anyway I will lost them, or that money will be taken away from me, thus many times I wanted to spend money as soon as possible, directed by this perception and believe, that anyway I will not have them, and that I will lose them, or that it is not allowed for me to have money and thus use it the effective ways for myself.

                Interestingly, how I fucked myself through my childhood, and the perception of using money and handling them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that when I have money that this money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and thus create within me the relationship towards the money as a perception, idea and believe that I want them to have and handle, but within this fear that anyway money will be taken away from me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not allowed to have money or use money or handle money for that what I need to support myself within my environment.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear that when I have money, thus this money will be taken away from me and thus I will be short of again.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be pissed of my father that he always took away from myself the money I worked for, and that he do not allow me to use it the way I would like.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see money as a tool for supporting myself within the environment I live in and use them the ways which supports me to be able to live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be angry with my father as the point of separation myself from him and from money he always took away from me, and thus create within me the idea, perception and believe, that I am not worthy to handle money, to have money, to use money for that I would like to support myself and be able buy things for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that money are evil and bad because father always took money away from me, and thus perceive that money is something wrong, and thus judge myself for using, handling, and having money as I am doing something bad and wrong and thus I should be punished, where I create the perception, idea and believe that I should be punished for having the money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 70 : Relationship – Abdication of self responsibility

                The very existence of relationship, as point of separation, exists as a point of not taking self responsibility for one’s world entirely, absolutely, within each moment here.

                Till separation exists within me, equality and oneness do not exist as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself the separation exist as a relationships between parts of me to have the points for blaming, not taking self responsibility, excusing myself and validating why I can remain within and as my mind, separated in my own chamber of EGO and do nothing for life, for myself, and just wait and observe how things go around me, instead of standing up for myself and for my world as me and direct myself to complete what needs to be completed, as stop living in the mind and became the directive principle in my life and for life each moment I am here.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 69 : Relationship – What is the origin?

                The accepted and allowed existence of relationships within me, simply means that I accept and allow the separation to exist, that I allow myself to live as EGO, where this I as EGO stand separately from everything and just connect and refer to other points I perceive and believe that are not me.

                Why and how I accepted to myself to separate myself, is the experiences I had during events which took place in my life, in believe that those experiences are real, as I became living entity as creation of relationships between points in my life.

                The relationships I started to accept and create and store within me have foundation in my family, where the father and the mother were the building blogs for me to separate myself from them and thus perceive them as more than me and thus follow their teachings. Therefore the platform and the origin for myself for my EGO and living me just as a EGO, was the father, mother, the relationship between them I saw and accepted, and then the brothers and sister, were we was 5 brothers and 1 sister, and therefore behavior between us as a males towards her as a female, the perception of her, the acceptance of her as she was the oldest one and therefore perception of myself, how I started to see myself in front of others, through my eyes.

                The events I saw during childhood, through my eyes, molded and shaped how I started to see myself, thus first point is me seeing me inferior towards my parents, than me inferior towards my sister and older brothers, and me equal to younger brothers as I never perceived myself as more than them.

                Thus basis for myself was simply inferiority and relationships towards those which I saw superior because of the point of authority as parents, the point of age where I perceived that because of age and that someone is older than me thus this persona must be more clever, wise, know more and thus I am less than.

                The perception of myself to be inferior towards girls comes from the point of looking upon my sister, and how we as brothers behaved towards her, as we respected her as she was the oldest one, the way how she behaved towards us, and also the sexuality and creation of sexual energy and perception of this energy originate from my sister, as my perception of female gender, how females behave, how they speak, how they move, what they wear and that I played and spoke with brothers a bit differently than with her, as I never fought with her, but with brothers yes. Therefore she was the basic platform for myself how I created myself and my behavior towards females, and the perception of females, and looking upon her, as she was the only one as a girl within family, thus I copied this perception and believe from this moments, and each time I date with a girl, I looked on that girl as the only one and simply always the existence of other females has been denied as the copied likeness towards my sister as a representation of female gender, thus I acted this way towards girls I date with because of this copied likeness and perception of only one and therefore my acting and speech towards as inferior, looking upon a girl and perceived her as the only one, thus relationships I always created within me this way.

                The point of creation of sexual energy, as starting point of experience of energy within me, comes indirectly from my sister as well, as the toys she played with was different then me, and once I played with her doll and this doll was a female and naked, I stretched the legs of this toy during play and I experienced suddenly the energy within my penis, I was about 6 years old, and it was for me something I never experienced before, thus I started to like this energy, this sense in my penis and I started to brush my body towards the bed as thus brushing intensified this feeling I experienced, and the starting point as relationship between my body, my penis, the perception of female body as a doll I can do with whatever I can, the relationship of my body, bed and energy I experienced has been accepted, allowed, stored within me, and thus believed that all this play out during this moments was real experience of myself, of me and that it is real. Within this, the platform for creation the sexual experiences and energies has been established within me and everything what I accepted and allowed from this moments has been just adding more and more dimensions of this one point as creation of sexual energy within me, where to this point the variable other relationships has been added, between me and females, as possibilities according projections, ideas and fantasies, what I could do with the body of the female and how, to intensify my feeling and experience as sexual energy, where to this building platform was obviously the pictures seen through my eyes, and the pictures I saw where I separated myself from the shapes of woman body, where I perceived woman body as something else, where I saw through my eyes that woman body is a doll, as I experienced this energy while playing with a doll, and thus this perception remained within as I did not understand what really happened within this moment.

                My parents, taught me to believe in god which they believed, they spoke to me about the sins and what god perceive as sin, they showed me what I have do and how and that I have to follow their order if I do not want to be punished and harmed. They showed me their power which they had over me, they thought me the hierarchy within family and that this family obeys to some god and the living and believing for god, where my father was a bit fanatic in this.

                They thought me to have relationship to this god, and to this believe in god, and respect this idea of god which they thought me as the highest order in my life to follow.

                Thus relationships I accepted within me, towards my parents, towards brothers and sister, and the god as idea within my head and energies I experienced during that time from age of 3 till 7 was good enough to prepare myself to start to live my life as a system, as a robot which will follow, as a sheep which will submit the life into a illusionary world completely and entirely detached from reality called mind. I say from 3 because I am not able to recall or remember anything before this age, just only after the age or 3-4 years comes fragments of memories what I lived and what I accepted.

                Thus this relationships which I accepted for myself to live, was always based on mind polarities, as superior/inferior, good/bad, nice/ugly but the acceptance of absolute platform of this polarities was fear, fear as energy experience within me towards my parents if I will not submit to their order.

                Therefore, the relationships I accepted to create within me, have foundation in fear, therefore it means everything I lived in my life were just fear.

                From the acceptance of my relationship towards the energy experience within me as fear, the acceptance of mind polarities has been born to be able to live, and from mind polarities as I became already separated within family the derivatives as believes, ideas, projections, insecurities, anxieties, wants, needs, desires – I start to accept and live, in absolute delusion in front of myself and I started to call this living the life, but by paradox constantly and continuously avoiding the very fact of myself, that everything I accepted and allowed to create within me and live, was the relationships created and based on fear.

                The relationship towards my body as physical has been created also on fear, as the teaching by parents was in manner that human being sins with the body, that body parts are not equal, that my body is not worthy as what is worthy is god, and that I have to hide some specific parts of my body, never talk about it, and even never mention and the explanation about energy experiences completely missed as my parents had absolute no seeing into them what’s going on within them, thus obviously they couldn’t teach me anything real or relevant, just only ideas about myself, which I obviously copied.

                Therefore, the relationships I created and accepted within me, as towards my body, towards my mind, towards others, towards environment, was completely and entirely based on one singular point – Fear.

                Therefore, the separation I accepted and allowed myself to live as relationships between pictures and experiences of energy attached to these pictures, and call my life is again completely and entirely based on one point – Fear.

                Therefore, Relationship is fear, Separation is fear, where I forgot me as a origin, where I forgot what is me as origin, where I forgot who I am as origin as life, equal and one with everything and anything which exist, and what is real, therefore that what is directly in front of my eyes and what I am in and within as physical, as matter, as that what is here.

                Thus because of fear and separation as relationships I accepted within me, I forgot who I am as life, equal and one with myself, with me, as who I am as matter.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself the relationship as a separation myself from myself to exist and thus separate myself as a point of referring and relating to the point I separated myself from as a platform to have within me and my world the point of not having to take responsibility for myself and my world, for existence as me and direct myself as who I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself because of experienced fear within and as me as a energy movement and believe that this energy experience is real experience of me, instead of seeing and realizing that through acceptance and allowance the fear as energy within me I am accepting and allowing the separation from myself, that I am empowering my mind with energy and supporting existence of the fear within and as me and in my world, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give power to my mind through separation and relationship created within and as me towards the energy experience of fear in believe that this experience is real experience of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the energetic relationship towards my body because of experience of fear towards myself as point of separation from, myself and thus my body as physical and accept and allow to be directed by fear in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship within me with my father and my mother as energetic experience of fear towards them in separation from them through fear of them, and thus accept and allow to speak with them, behave in front of them, in fear and as expression of fear, instead of realizing that because I accepted and allowed to separate myself from them thus I experienced the fear as energetic experience of being punished, as a fear of the future that when I will not behave accordingly of their teaching of me that I will be harmed, punished, or pushed to live according that what they want from myself to live and how, instead of seeing and realizing that they had no ideas what they speak, why they speak and what they present and that they are innocent in their behavior towards me in meaning that they lived just their believes and tried to impose those believes on me and wanted from me to live those believes as them.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and forgot who I am as the origin as matter as life and thus create within me the relationship towards me in separation from myself and deny and do not want to see who I really am as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and live in relationship towards myself and think and believe that because I separated from myself thus I am not that what is here as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and my physical body through energetic experience of fear because of believe that this experience of fear is real experience of me and thus forget who I am as physical, as my body, who I am as that what exist as matter.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am superior over the matter because of believe that mind is more than matter, but seeing and realizing that I am subject to matter and not matter to me thus became angry on matter that I have no power over matter and that matter will not submit to my will and my desires and my wishes and that I can’t have power over the matter and thus became angry because of seeing that in fact I am less than matter because I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from matter through fear as energy experience in believe that this is real, and thus deny the fact that what is real is physical, as my body, as that what I can physically move myself in and as in equality of me with me as physical and thus deny what is real as physical but start to believe and turn into a illusion of mind as energetic experiences within and as me I can experience through separation from myself into and as mind as judgments, projections, ideas, believes, desires, wishes of me, instead of drop the illusion as relationships I created within me as energy movements because of accepted and allowed living of the mind, instead of standing up for myself as my body, as physical and everything I consist of and exist as in equality of myself, here, as breath of life as who I really am as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget who I am as physical because I accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and thus forgot who I am as physical and what is the real experience of the physical as me, in equality and oneness of myself with my body as that what is constantly here, in and as the breath of life as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget who I am as life because of projections, ideas, believes about life and what life could be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am already life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical through ideas, believes and projections what could be real, what is real, through believe in energy experiences as experiences of me and thus deny the fact, that what is real is always in front of my eyes, and that what is real has been always in front of me, but because I separated from myself I was not able to see me, to see who I am, to experience me here, to live me here, because I deny that what was in front of me always, that I am seeing myself and that everything I can see is always me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through idea and believe that something else must exist, instead of seeing and realizing that what exist is me but because of fear from myself I forgot who I am here, I forgot that I see always me, I forgot that I am equal and one always with that what I see.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see me and who I am here as physical, because of fear of me, because of fear who I really am here, because of fear to see into me directly and instantaneously and thus I rather turned into a illusions about me, into a ideas and believes that what I see couldn’t be me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationships between pictures I can see through my physical eyes because this relationships provides me the energetic experiences I became addicted into and thus exist and live as mind design of relationships between pictures in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live according mind design of relationships between two and more points which I separated myself from and thus follow and live the design of judgments of me because I accepted and allowed to myself the separation to exist within and as me, instead of standing up and stop all separation and stop all relationships I accepted and allowed within me to create and thus stand up for me absolute, stand up and show who I am as life here, to stand up who I am in equality and oneness with myself as the existence as matter which exist here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to hide in front of myself through idea and believe that what I see couldn’t be me and thus deny that I always lived hidden in front of myself in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to be separated from myself because this separation provides me the energy I can get from this relationships I created and accepted within me because I became addicted on energy experiences because of believe that this experiences are real, and thus forgot what is real experience of me as matter, as physical as that what is here in equality and oneness of me, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot what is equality of me, what it means to stand up for myself and for others as one, what it means to stand up for life and for myself absolute and do not accept and allow to be directed by illusions of the mind anymore.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am too weak and to powerless to stand up for myself because I separated myself from myself to such degree that I forgot that real power is equality, that real power is to live me as equal to me and honor me as life as that what is only value as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to see what I accepted and allowed to myself because of fear and idea and believe that I am too weak and too powerless to stand up for myself in absolute no matter what, to stand up and direct myself where no more bullshits are accepted and allowed, to stand up for myself as who I am as physical in equality of me, instead of seeing and realizing that through any idea, believe, judgment, energy experience thought, I am giving power to my mind, to a system, to a program to direct my life, instead of taking this power to me, to myself, to me as origin as who I am as life, to me as origin as who I am as physical, to me as who I am as all and one as origin of me as part of me which forgot the same way as me that we are the one and equal to each other, that we all are the origin and that we all are equal and one.

Thanks, Juraj