Day 167 : I accept who I am

                Why I searched so many times me, is the point of me accepting mind and not who I am as presence of me here. The very acceptance of the mind and thus becoming and believing of this is the reason why I became no more here, living, breathing, expressing, enjoying, accepting, sharing, carrying.

                I start to limit myself, and within this limitation forgetting who I am, forgetting equality and oneness of me, forgetting me as life, and losing me, within and as realms of the mind, and this is strange, it is so strange, as my very question was – why I accepted and allowed this all?

                I asked this question because I saw everything of me within moment, and I saw everything I accepted towards me as life. How come, why, I accepted such separation, and from this such misery of life on this planet?

                Why I separated from me? Why I separated myself from life? Why I separated myself from physical? Why I forgot who I am as all as one? Why I forgot my oneness of me? Why I forgot equality of me? Why I became blind and why I stopped to see me? Why I accepted fear of me? Why I accepted to believe in fear?

                Why, why, why, actually, the answer is simpler that I could thought, because I wanted and desired to be something else than what and who I really am. I was fool and within my foolishness I started to think about me, instead of living me, accepting and enjoying the life and simplicity of life, simplicity of oneness and equality of me.

                I started to complicate everything and creating billions of points, reasons, ways and I became blind, I was not able to see me anymore, I was not able to enjoy me anymore, and I was not able to live, because I died. I died the moment I accepted the very first thought within me, and this thought became my doom, pain and fall.

                I was broken, and I was weak, I was fear-full and I was sick, I was shaken.

                But no more I accept such lies. No more I accept to be blind. I am life and that’s all of me as who I am.

                Nothing more, nothing less, just life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I see, instead of see and realize that I am using the mind to interpret what Is here, what this here should be because I separated myself from physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became blind and no more see me as equality and oneness of me, as life, as my presence and everything which exists as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see the sound.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to be sound.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to be something else than sound.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that sound is not who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that silence is not who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that silence is not real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget me as sound and silence.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget me being sound but rather separate myself from into and as mind, and became following blindly what mind see, what mind says, what mind show, what mind thinks, and do not see and realize that I am not this, nothing, no single point.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see into me each moment I am here, but rather turns into the mind to have this idea and believe about seeing, not realizing that by this I am giving my power away from me, and thus diminishing and dishonoring me as life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t be physical, that I can’t be of life, that I can’t be of sound and silence as me being here, seeing here, expressing here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that here is what I see as pictures through my eyes, that here is what I hear through my ears, not seeing and realizing that what Is here is me as moment which exists in and as equality and oneness of me as all.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself look on me through information and knowledge of the mind, and not see directly, instantly, everything and everywhere of me as who I am as life within equality and oneness of me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look on me through the mind and thus look on me through polarity system, and forget to see me as equality and oneness as life as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to use the energy as the point of separation from myself, because of thinking and believing that energy is real, that energy is something more than life than physical than sound, not seeing and realizing such deception I created for me, not seeing and realizing how I enslaved myself into and as energy because of this believe.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like energy more than me as who I am as life, to deceive myself with such believe, and think that my believes, must be real.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe everything else but not to trust the only one point which is real, thus physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that something more than physical must exist and that it is possibly me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to turn blind eye and ignore the physical as what is here, but rather think and believe that physical is something which is less than the mind, not seeing and realizing that I deceived me, not seeing that mind is subject to physical and thus mind needs physical, but physical do not need mind, not seeing and realizing that physical exist without the mind, but mind can’t exist without physical, that physical is what is real and what exists and not mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself do not accept myself as physical, to do not want to be physical, to do not want to be here, to do not want to be equal and one with physical as me, but desire to be something else, something more, something more profound, more special, more interesting, because of my very judgment towards the physical and seeing the physical as something less than mind, not seeing and realizing my self deception within this, my dishonor of myself and my illusion of me about me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of me as being as one with me as all as one as who I really am as life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical, because of idea and believe that what I think, what I experience as energy movement is more than physical, thus within this live as believe and idea about me, in search for me, in search to find out who I am, not seeing and realizing that I am always here, that I was always here, and I will be always here as moment of me, my presence within and as silence of life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust the mind, to trust what mind see, to desire to trust the mind, to trust the energy of the mind, to mislead myself with placing trust to the mind, instead of trusting me as who I really am, instead of standing for me as absolute presence of I, as I as life, as I as here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be and became benevolent in my standing for me, instead of standing for me absolute, instead of me standing for me and for all to my biggest potential, unshakable, unbreakable, as all as one as who I am as equality and oneness of life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not take all my power back to me, to do not accept anything of the mind which mind consist and exist as, and do not became the solution for me, solution for all, solution for life on this planet and what life could really be for all, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not stand in and as clarity of me, to do not stand as absolute presence of me as the moment, to do not stand to my greatest potential which I am capable of, to do not stand as absolute expression of life within and as self-honesty of me, to do not stand as example for all to see what is possible to be and became as life, as equality and oneness of life, to do not stand for life and what life really is.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am weak to stand absolute, to think and believe that I can’t stand absolute, that I am not strong enough, that I am not powerful enough, that I am not worthy enough to stand for me as who I am as life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t be the life, that I do not deserve to be life, that I must and have to be punished for everything I have done towards the life, not seeing and realizing, that what have been done is of the past and thus point of me no more accepting such separation, dishonesty as everything what have been done, was enough.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I can’t see me within and as equality of life as who I really am, because I thought that I have to be punished somehow for everything I have done, not seeing and realizing that only self-punishment exist because of very shame, regret and  judgment of myself for everything I have done unto me as life, not seeing and realizing within this opportunity for myself to simply – stand absolute and no more accept anything less or more than life, honor the life and make everything possible to my greatest potential to bring dignity and value of life here, for all as one, within the principle of equality and oneness I stand for.

Thanks, Juraj   

Day 76 : Relationships : Female body and sex

                From my young age, the relationship towards energy as sex and perception of this energy as sex or sexual energy started as perception of pictures of female bodies, where I started to perceive my body as a tool for experiencing this energy, and my mind which can this energy deliver to me.

                The perception, that my mind is a tool, and my body is a tool, I fooled myself into a believe and idea that I am the one who decide what I am doing, thus the relationship towards my mind and my body has been created and I perceived myself as the one who choose.

                I missed the fact, that this was exactly how mind operated and function, to let me perceive, that I am the one who choose, but not see that I was already fallen in and as this believe, as the system as the mind thus always got the energy required to sustain itself and control me and have power over me.

                Interestingly this perception was really strong, and thus the likeness towards the sexual energy within me has been created and thus relationship as my separated from energy and desire this energy to experience it, where I defined and perceive myself and manipulated myself that I need this energy, that it is cool, that this energy is something magnificent, not seeing and realizing that within this all I was already enslaved into most intricate delusion by itself, that in fact sex is anger, excitement is anxiety, love is fear.

                 Within the perception that I am the one who choose what I like or not, I started to create the relationships as separation from pictures and from bodies of females, first one was the perception of female body as legs, hips, vagina, thus female body like split into two parts, down part from belly down, and upper part from belly up.

                The representation of part down of female body, was that where I connected and created within me the perception of sex and sexuality, towards upper part of female body I added the feeling of love, as the upper part represents the chest, breasts, hands, neck and face with hairs.

                Thus down part equals sex, upper part equal love, that was how I designed within me the ideas, believes, and relationships within me towards female body.

                Down part represents the sexual energy, ignition, maternity, child, perversion, excitement, desire, etc, upper part represents gentleness, love, attention, seeing, looking, cuddling, kissing, the feeling of love and likeness and words, and what words spoken represents for me.

                Within looking and seeing the female body, I connected the specific fears of how I can look on female or how I scan the female according the likeness of that what I want to see, and thus just from this seeing of this picture and how I scanned the female body and which parts and points represent which specific connections and relationships within me, thus acceptance and allowance of energy creation within me.

                Back part of female, represents for me mainly sex, sexual energy, movement, or letting go.

                The definition, creation and starting point of sexual energy creation within me is the female ass, and front of between her legs, thus whole pelvic area, then thighs, lower back, section down of belly and up of knees. This area of female body I scan if I want to attempt the creation of sexual energy within me, just through seeing this picture, the thoughts are not necessary, as the starting point was seeing just picture of female body.

                The ideas an d believe of sexual energy comes from not understanding of mechanics of creation of emotions and feeling, the separation from female body and perception me as male, thus ego creation within me as a male ego where I was the one who take if the point is sex, and I am the one who give if goes of point love. Thus superiority of me created in sex, inferiority in feeling of love.

                The sex point and love point sometimes stood together within me, within specific situation it was only sex point, or only love point, thus moving myself constantly between superiority and inferiority.

                The picture of seeing female ass, the shape of her as, the size of her ass and the overall strength of her muscles as ass determine if I create the likeness towards female ass or dislike, thus judgment of female body and thus polarity of like – dislike.

                The front of female body, the pelvic area, represents my separation from female body and thus desire to be with female and that what I do not have as perception that I want it to touch, feel in hands, play with it, experience the sexual energy I created as relationships within me towards this points of female body, where the ideas and believes of sex has been positioned within me, upper part represent my separation and search for love and thus desire to be with a girl accordingly of likeness of dislikes of picture seen.

                This all, is just picture, and this picture of female connects and represents for me many points which each one relate to each other, where the energy friction is possible and thus the energy experience within and as me.

                Female body, as a whole represents as picture of being for me, the specific parts, where I scan different sections, represents for me the energies and possibility of energy creation and acceptances.

                The sounds, words and voice tonalities of female represents for me who she is, how I see her and what I see in her through her words about and of her.

               

                Picture is one point as a whole, where split and cut into sections represents many points related together as sex and love, and sounds as words represents a being as who she is.

                Within the perception and seeing the being, the most prominent and relevant point for me is, who she is as the words and what this words represents, the second point is body as a whole picture, the points as love and sex, where according different intentions the priorities of this points moved within me according that what I wanted get from a female.

                If sex, thus words and picture as a whole became irrelevant, if love thus deception and upper part of body, if agreement/relationship, thus words as the primarily point of who the being in front of me is, what are believes of this being, is possible for this being to comprehend something which is beyond any imagination of the mind, what is that what this girl understood and realize for herself, what she lived and why, how she see herself, does she wants for herself something more than just life of system, and so.

                Therefore, the sexual point is quite extensive, but this is all connected to one point of female pelvic area. This is the starting point of my sexual energy acceptances and allowances, and everything else are just relationships of this point towards other parts of female body and therefore created ideas, perceptions, believes, senses, likeness, touches, fears, anxieties, desires etc towards the parts of female body.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 70 : Relationship – Abdication of self responsibility

                The very existence of relationship, as point of separation, exists as a point of not taking self responsibility for one’s world entirely, absolutely, within each moment here.

                Till separation exists within me, equality and oneness do not exist as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself the separation exist as a relationships between parts of me to have the points for blaming, not taking self responsibility, excusing myself and validating why I can remain within and as my mind, separated in my own chamber of EGO and do nothing for life, for myself, and just wait and observe how things go around me, instead of standing up for myself and for my world as me and direct myself to complete what needs to be completed, as stop living in the mind and became the directive principle in my life and for life each moment I am here.

Thanks, Juraj