Day 124 : Experiences of me

                 Interesting point is, that when I experienced myself as me as awareness of who I am as whole existence as penetrating through everything and anything which exists, I do not experience myself each moment I am here, but still remaining trapped as experiences of the mind.

                Therefore, this means, that it is me who have to stand up for myself as who I really am as existence as me, and not submit myself into and as living in and as mind.

                My question is, how I am going to do this? How I can stand up within and as me for me as who I am as existence which is here, in equality and oneness of me, as one as all?

                I realized who I am and that I am not the mind, yet this is like be in and as mind and have to walk and face that what I accepted and allowed to myself to be done unto me to be able to stand up for myself as who I really am.

                Thus, to realize is one point, to live and stand for myself each moment I am here is another. Interestingly, to see what has been allowed, is possible only in the moment I faced me.

                To stand up within and as self, and do not accept anything less, this is quite skill worth to achieve, skill of skills.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to wait that someone will stand up for myself as who I really am as awareness of me as existence as whole, instead of see, realize and understood, that it is only me who have to stand up for myself, that it is only me who have to find way how to became equal with the physical, that it is only me who have to realize how I separated myself from myself, and that finally it is again only me who have to merge back everything of me and stand for myself in equality and oneness of me here as living example as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 94 : It is always possible to fuck up with the system

                This thought emerged within me recently, in regards of me bypassing some specific system restrictions, and thus to this thought the sense of being clever, wise, or more than the system emerged as connection to this thought.

                I see, that when I did something the way of bypassing the restrictions, functionality, or the way how system works and operate, I perceived myself to be a clever, wise or more than others and more than system, because I was able to do something which the creators of the system didn’t took into consideration.

                Mostly, in regards of bypassing functionality of machines in various conditions, and by this want to benefit from this, want to have advantage and get for myself what I wanted by this actions.

                As a young boy, I was very interested of mechanics of the things, how things are created, how they work, and functionality of those things, that was the reason why I go to study electro technical school, because of this want, to want to know how things works. At my surprise, at school, no one was able to give me valid answers, how things really works, as many times how things works is simply guessed and thus this guessing is implanted to the minds of the students.

                Interestingly, we as humans are able to build various machines, and yes they do what we want from them to do, they function, and thus serve us in many ways, as without automation such build cities was be unable to built. But by paradox, humans to not know how this things works at the bottom level, and that was for me what I wanted always understood, and also by this, I came to learning about myself, how I work.

                How I was created, how I created myself and why, and within this, I am not different from the machines I use. I as a human, as a being, I programmed myself to function specific way, my mind was programmed to allow me only specific things, to trap me to specific believes, thoughts, and through this create for me the perception of living, of life, of me deciding what I do and when and how.

                Within this, I do not see how I function at bottom level of myself, as this is hidden within me, in front of me, around me, in me, as me. In this uncovering of my shits in my mind, in myself and as myself, I realized, I am fuckingly much responsible for myself what I accept and allow, because in this, it has consequences on everything.

                And I am bit shocked, because, I do not see those consequences here, I do not see more far than world around me, I just see that those consequences exists and I am creator of consequences for myself and equally for others. Within this, here, huge responsibility is in front of me, because, previously, when I fall in something, I took it the way, that whatever I fall and I go on, but now, it is a bit different, as I can’t take myself this way anymore.

                And, I am a bit scared, if I am prepared to take this responsibility, I fear if I am prepared to take responsibility for myself the way where others are considered equally to myself as whole, because, this is fucking huge responsibility.

                Everything I do, speak, has direct consequences on others and myself, and like waves resonates and jumps from persona to persona till reach last one, thus everything I allow, is reflected in humanity at whole.

                And if I see just myself, like ego and my self interest, I could say I am pretty ok, but let’s have a look on everything what is here, thus this “picture” about myself is the most terrific horror which could exist.

                And thus my question here is, what is at the bottom level of myself, If the reflection of myself as humanity is this horror? It simply means, that what is here, is everything I accepted and allowed to myself in my past, because what is here is reflection of past moments, thus what has been accepted moment ago, will reflect and have the consequences on next moment and this way moment by moment will still reflect what has been accepted and allowed, by me and by others as we call ourselves – humanity.

                Thus I still have to ask myself, this all was not enough? The destruction we manifested, is still not enough for ourselves to see and realize that we fight ourselves? That we are destructing ourselves each way possible, because this is simply the only one thing we as separated EGOs know? Destroy ourselves.

                Are we really so blind, so dumb and we really do not have value for life?

                Lets see, we are life but we threat life the most perverted ways, thus who we are?

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system, not seeing and realizing that by this I am stating that it is always possible to fuck up with myself and make myself to fall.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me keeping myself into a self justifications, separation, and secret back door why and how I can fall.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system, not seeing and realizing that am in this system thus I am responsible what Is here and thus by thinking of such thought I am accepting and allowing for myself to abuse myself, manipulate myself, as a self interest of my actions and thus acting and doing just for benefit of me, where others are disregarded and perceived that I can always fuck up with them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a statement that I want to shortcut, bypass and fuck up with the system therefore with myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of myself keeping the shortcuts of myself and my process, not seeing and realizing that by this thought I want to bypass my process and bypass the mechanics of my mind, not seeing and realizing that it is impossible, as the creators of the mind as myself fucked up with myself ages ago.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of wanting to bypass my process and bypass mechanics of this reality, that within this I desire to bypass the system and thus get benefit for myself as just ego and self interest.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of separation myself from myself, from system and from others, instead of standing here, in and as system and direct myself to change what is required to change, without any bypassing, shortcutting, and wanting to have to make things done immediately, instead of see and realize the time line which I have to walk for myself and thus face every point I accepted and allowed to myself and the humanity as whole.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me not wanting to take responsibility for myself and my actions and thus direct myself here to bring the system where everyone will be considered equally and thus horror of mankind will cease to exists forever.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point why I can fall and not stand up, as a point of fear to stand up for myself and thus for whole.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of fear to stand up within and as me, to stand up and do not allow to be directed by the mind, as I see and realize how mind utilize the thoughts to take over me and manipulate me to live within and as, as I see and realize that by accepting and allowing the thoughts I am manipulating myself, abusing myself, disregarding myself and my process, my standing, and prolonging my process, and thus prolonging the process for whole humanity.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me do not wanting to participate in this world within and as time line which is required to accumulate sufficient stability, trust, and change to show that it is possible to change the nature of man from destruction into a creation.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me wanting to keep for myself the right to destroy and destruct instead of stand up, direct myself here and change myself for real, to show all who I am, why I stand for equality, and why only this is the solution for mankind to live dignified life for each human being here on this planet.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of myself secretly wish and prey for destruction of everything here, as I feared what I created and thus I do not wanted to take the responsibility for myself and sort out myself and through this show that if I can do this for myself thus each one can do this equally for himself/herself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me not wanting to see my direct responsibility on myself and the system I live in and thus others as myself.

Thanks, Juraj

               

               

Day 76 : Relationships : Female body and sex

                From my young age, the relationship towards energy as sex and perception of this energy as sex or sexual energy started as perception of pictures of female bodies, where I started to perceive my body as a tool for experiencing this energy, and my mind which can this energy deliver to me.

                The perception, that my mind is a tool, and my body is a tool, I fooled myself into a believe and idea that I am the one who decide what I am doing, thus the relationship towards my mind and my body has been created and I perceived myself as the one who choose.

                I missed the fact, that this was exactly how mind operated and function, to let me perceive, that I am the one who choose, but not see that I was already fallen in and as this believe, as the system as the mind thus always got the energy required to sustain itself and control me and have power over me.

                Interestingly this perception was really strong, and thus the likeness towards the sexual energy within me has been created and thus relationship as my separated from energy and desire this energy to experience it, where I defined and perceive myself and manipulated myself that I need this energy, that it is cool, that this energy is something magnificent, not seeing and realizing that within this all I was already enslaved into most intricate delusion by itself, that in fact sex is anger, excitement is anxiety, love is fear.

                 Within the perception that I am the one who choose what I like or not, I started to create the relationships as separation from pictures and from bodies of females, first one was the perception of female body as legs, hips, vagina, thus female body like split into two parts, down part from belly down, and upper part from belly up.

                The representation of part down of female body, was that where I connected and created within me the perception of sex and sexuality, towards upper part of female body I added the feeling of love, as the upper part represents the chest, breasts, hands, neck and face with hairs.

                Thus down part equals sex, upper part equal love, that was how I designed within me the ideas, believes, and relationships within me towards female body.

                Down part represents the sexual energy, ignition, maternity, child, perversion, excitement, desire, etc, upper part represents gentleness, love, attention, seeing, looking, cuddling, kissing, the feeling of love and likeness and words, and what words spoken represents for me.

                Within looking and seeing the female body, I connected the specific fears of how I can look on female or how I scan the female according the likeness of that what I want to see, and thus just from this seeing of this picture and how I scanned the female body and which parts and points represent which specific connections and relationships within me, thus acceptance and allowance of energy creation within me.

                Back part of female, represents for me mainly sex, sexual energy, movement, or letting go.

                The definition, creation and starting point of sexual energy creation within me is the female ass, and front of between her legs, thus whole pelvic area, then thighs, lower back, section down of belly and up of knees. This area of female body I scan if I want to attempt the creation of sexual energy within me, just through seeing this picture, the thoughts are not necessary, as the starting point was seeing just picture of female body.

                The ideas an d believe of sexual energy comes from not understanding of mechanics of creation of emotions and feeling, the separation from female body and perception me as male, thus ego creation within me as a male ego where I was the one who take if the point is sex, and I am the one who give if goes of point love. Thus superiority of me created in sex, inferiority in feeling of love.

                The sex point and love point sometimes stood together within me, within specific situation it was only sex point, or only love point, thus moving myself constantly between superiority and inferiority.

                The picture of seeing female ass, the shape of her as, the size of her ass and the overall strength of her muscles as ass determine if I create the likeness towards female ass or dislike, thus judgment of female body and thus polarity of like – dislike.

                The front of female body, the pelvic area, represents my separation from female body and thus desire to be with female and that what I do not have as perception that I want it to touch, feel in hands, play with it, experience the sexual energy I created as relationships within me towards this points of female body, where the ideas and believes of sex has been positioned within me, upper part represent my separation and search for love and thus desire to be with a girl accordingly of likeness of dislikes of picture seen.

                This all, is just picture, and this picture of female connects and represents for me many points which each one relate to each other, where the energy friction is possible and thus the energy experience within and as me.

                Female body, as a whole represents as picture of being for me, the specific parts, where I scan different sections, represents for me the energies and possibility of energy creation and acceptances.

                The sounds, words and voice tonalities of female represents for me who she is, how I see her and what I see in her through her words about and of her.

               

                Picture is one point as a whole, where split and cut into sections represents many points related together as sex and love, and sounds as words represents a being as who she is.

                Within the perception and seeing the being, the most prominent and relevant point for me is, who she is as the words and what this words represents, the second point is body as a whole picture, the points as love and sex, where according different intentions the priorities of this points moved within me according that what I wanted get from a female.

                If sex, thus words and picture as a whole became irrelevant, if love thus deception and upper part of body, if agreement/relationship, thus words as the primarily point of who the being in front of me is, what are believes of this being, is possible for this being to comprehend something which is beyond any imagination of the mind, what is that what this girl understood and realize for herself, what she lived and why, how she see herself, does she wants for herself something more than just life of system, and so.

                Therefore, the sexual point is quite extensive, but this is all connected to one point of female pelvic area. This is the starting point of my sexual energy acceptances and allowances, and everything else are just relationships of this point towards other parts of female body and therefore created ideas, perceptions, believes, senses, likeness, touches, fears, anxieties, desires etc towards the parts of female body.

Thanks, Juraj