Day 94 : It is always possible to fuck up with the system

                This thought emerged within me recently, in regards of me bypassing some specific system restrictions, and thus to this thought the sense of being clever, wise, or more than the system emerged as connection to this thought.

                I see, that when I did something the way of bypassing the restrictions, functionality, or the way how system works and operate, I perceived myself to be a clever, wise or more than others and more than system, because I was able to do something which the creators of the system didn’t took into consideration.

                Mostly, in regards of bypassing functionality of machines in various conditions, and by this want to benefit from this, want to have advantage and get for myself what I wanted by this actions.

                As a young boy, I was very interested of mechanics of the things, how things are created, how they work, and functionality of those things, that was the reason why I go to study electro technical school, because of this want, to want to know how things works. At my surprise, at school, no one was able to give me valid answers, how things really works, as many times how things works is simply guessed and thus this guessing is implanted to the minds of the students.

                Interestingly, we as humans are able to build various machines, and yes they do what we want from them to do, they function, and thus serve us in many ways, as without automation such build cities was be unable to built. But by paradox, humans to not know how this things works at the bottom level, and that was for me what I wanted always understood, and also by this, I came to learning about myself, how I work.

                How I was created, how I created myself and why, and within this, I am not different from the machines I use. I as a human, as a being, I programmed myself to function specific way, my mind was programmed to allow me only specific things, to trap me to specific believes, thoughts, and through this create for me the perception of living, of life, of me deciding what I do and when and how.

                Within this, I do not see how I function at bottom level of myself, as this is hidden within me, in front of me, around me, in me, as me. In this uncovering of my shits in my mind, in myself and as myself, I realized, I am fuckingly much responsible for myself what I accept and allow, because in this, it has consequences on everything.

                And I am bit shocked, because, I do not see those consequences here, I do not see more far than world around me, I just see that those consequences exists and I am creator of consequences for myself and equally for others. Within this, here, huge responsibility is in front of me, because, previously, when I fall in something, I took it the way, that whatever I fall and I go on, but now, it is a bit different, as I can’t take myself this way anymore.

                And, I am a bit scared, if I am prepared to take this responsibility, I fear if I am prepared to take responsibility for myself the way where others are considered equally to myself as whole, because, this is fucking huge responsibility.

                Everything I do, speak, has direct consequences on others and myself, and like waves resonates and jumps from persona to persona till reach last one, thus everything I allow, is reflected in humanity at whole.

                And if I see just myself, like ego and my self interest, I could say I am pretty ok, but let’s have a look on everything what is here, thus this “picture” about myself is the most terrific horror which could exist.

                And thus my question here is, what is at the bottom level of myself, If the reflection of myself as humanity is this horror? It simply means, that what is here, is everything I accepted and allowed to myself in my past, because what is here is reflection of past moments, thus what has been accepted moment ago, will reflect and have the consequences on next moment and this way moment by moment will still reflect what has been accepted and allowed, by me and by others as we call ourselves – humanity.

                Thus I still have to ask myself, this all was not enough? The destruction we manifested, is still not enough for ourselves to see and realize that we fight ourselves? That we are destructing ourselves each way possible, because this is simply the only one thing we as separated EGOs know? Destroy ourselves.

                Are we really so blind, so dumb and we really do not have value for life?

                Lets see, we are life but we threat life the most perverted ways, thus who we are?

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system, not seeing and realizing that by this I am stating that it is always possible to fuck up with myself and make myself to fall.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me keeping myself into a self justifications, separation, and secret back door why and how I can fall.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system, not seeing and realizing that am in this system thus I am responsible what Is here and thus by thinking of such thought I am accepting and allowing for myself to abuse myself, manipulate myself, as a self interest of my actions and thus acting and doing just for benefit of me, where others are disregarded and perceived that I can always fuck up with them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a statement that I want to shortcut, bypass and fuck up with the system therefore with myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of myself keeping the shortcuts of myself and my process, not seeing and realizing that by this thought I want to bypass my process and bypass the mechanics of my mind, not seeing and realizing that it is impossible, as the creators of the mind as myself fucked up with myself ages ago.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of wanting to bypass my process and bypass mechanics of this reality, that within this I desire to bypass the system and thus get benefit for myself as just ego and self interest.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of separation myself from myself, from system and from others, instead of standing here, in and as system and direct myself to change what is required to change, without any bypassing, shortcutting, and wanting to have to make things done immediately, instead of see and realize the time line which I have to walk for myself and thus face every point I accepted and allowed to myself and the humanity as whole.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me not wanting to take responsibility for myself and my actions and thus direct myself here to bring the system where everyone will be considered equally and thus horror of mankind will cease to exists forever.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point why I can fall and not stand up, as a point of fear to stand up for myself and thus for whole.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of fear to stand up within and as me, to stand up and do not allow to be directed by the mind, as I see and realize how mind utilize the thoughts to take over me and manipulate me to live within and as, as I see and realize that by accepting and allowing the thoughts I am manipulating myself, abusing myself, disregarding myself and my process, my standing, and prolonging my process, and thus prolonging the process for whole humanity.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me do not wanting to participate in this world within and as time line which is required to accumulate sufficient stability, trust, and change to show that it is possible to change the nature of man from destruction into a creation.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me wanting to keep for myself the right to destroy and destruct instead of stand up, direct myself here and change myself for real, to show all who I am, why I stand for equality, and why only this is the solution for mankind to live dignified life for each human being here on this planet.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of myself secretly wish and prey for destruction of everything here, as I feared what I created and thus I do not wanted to take the responsibility for myself and sort out myself and through this show that if I can do this for myself thus each one can do this equally for himself/herself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think the thought – that it is always possible to fuck up with the system as a point of me not wanting to see my direct responsibility on myself and the system I live in and thus others as myself.

Thanks, Juraj

               

               

Day 16 : Manipulation – Extreme self deception

                I liked to manipulate. I loved it. I desired it. I became it. I separated from others, like all my being, the desire to manipulate and prove to myself that I am capable of.

                Use everything which I could. No shame and regret. No guilt and no sorrow. Directly, aware what I am doing. Aware of my words are fake and aware that my actions are just for sake of manipulation.

                This desire to manipulate and this believe that I can manipulate matter, I fucked myself for quite some time with this, because I manipulated myself actually into such believe and from believe the desire has been born and within this I fucked myself extensively.

                From this desire and believe, I created within me the perception that I am more than others and more than matter, thus I just accumulated fuck ups within me about me.

                I lived it. Matter showed me. I have no power over matter in anyway whatsoever. It can’t be. Mater is consistent and constant here, I am not. So who is fucked? It is not matter.

                I stop. I stop manipulate myself. I stop and I stand up, I will not allow myself to manipulate myself. I do not allow. I do not allow my words be spoken in sake of manipulation.

                I do not allow my actions in sake of manipulation. I can stop it and I stopped. I proved this to me. No matter how big this desire was, I see it within me and what I created. To myself.

                My words are not spoken and will be not, in intensions to manipulate. It is simple, so simple.

                Decide, and live it. This is simplicity of direction. Make decision, live decision.

                Maybe I will find about myself points where I would like to manipulate which I am not aware, I get rid of them and I stop. This is my commitment to myself for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to manipulate myself through separation myself from myself into a believe that I can manipulate matter and from this create the desire to manipulate matter and others and thus create the perception that I am more than others and get energy from this perception and blind myself with this believe so extensively that I became this desire and lived this desire thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to became the desire of the mind instead of realizing that I am nothing of this.

Thanks, Juraj

Layers upon layers

                Recently I worked in my room on removing paintings on walls and ceiling, because of decision that flat I live in will be sold. My first intention was just to remove only some parts and re-paint it with just one color, so it should be easier.

                First few days I was just removing little areas and the wall looked really like mess, no structure, colors upon colors layered and I realized that to remove this all will take more effort than I thought before. Than information that flat will be sold came to my attention so I decided to remove it all and put on walls original white color.

                As I continued working on removing old paintings, I started to not be satisfied with my work on areas where I worked already. I decided that I will do it clearly and with quality and work systematically to make sure that I will do it properly and that there will be no need to put attention on that parts anymore.

                I tried different tools and different approaches to get that sense how to do it most effectively, on places where was only one color the removing process became fast and color gone with ease. On areas with layers of colors the removing became real pain, where centimeter over centimeter required effort and attention and over time my hands became tired and painful.

                I also received advise that water should assist with this removing significantly, firstly I was skeptical about this advise but as I tried it so the removing the one layered color on ceiling became fast process.

                In few days, I had real hard mess in everything in the room, as I didn’t covered stuff in room, so the dust and colors was literally on everything,

                Last day, the morning I woke up, I decided that I am going to finish it because I became little bit pissed off about  the mess in my room and that nothing was on its place and moving in my room became problematic, even air has that smell of colors and dust.

                So after removing all the color, I re-painted the walls with white and I last just one wall with painting, because this one I like so when it will be really necessary I’ll remove it.

                To clear all the dust and clear the mess took several hours, when I finished, I was surprised about myself that I did it. It was like, hard to believe that I finished it and that it is done. But yes, it was done and the order came to my room again.

                While completing this, I realized, the process of stopping the mind, removing patterns, systems, is very similar to this. Where self create one layer of fuck up thus it could be really easy to remove, where self layered the bullshit upon bullshit it could be harder and thus it could require more attention and discipline to remove what needs to be removed.

                And where self created lot of layers upon layers of the same system, thus to remove this could be real pain and require dedication and maybe all effort needed to remove and see what has not been seen and realized, what is real if just painting and facade is removed.

Thanks, Juraj

Rejection as foundation for backchat

                There was a different kind of experiences in my life, when I have been rejected by different type of people, going through friends, girl-friends, family members, co-workers.

                Mostly I was not aware the reason why, as my investigation why started in my mind, as back chats where I found possible reason and took it as the answer why.

                In lots of cases I just let it be and didn’t care, in some cases where I involved my desires or expectations back chat has been much more extensive.

                So instead of investigation directly with the person, I investigated in my back-chat. Nice fuck up.

Thanks, Juraj

What is fuck up?

My last two days, are the most silent days in my life.

Not arguing within me, not fighting, I am calm and focusing on my breath became more natural, even hard to describe, calmness I experience is amazing.

I experienced yesterday bursts of projections within me, like creating speeches, talking, projected to the future, I focused on physical, what is real, on my breath, in few moments I stopped it and remained calm and silent.

I do what I have to do, I speak and I direct what I speak, sounds around me, people, world, I interact but I do not interact with my mind.

Yet still thoughts came up, slowly and I let them go. I will have to stop them before they pop up.

Nothing is disturbing me, I do not experience reactions towards my environment as I am stable, it is interesting experience.

Physical around is great support, breath is great support, to stop what needs to be stopped, and to remain here and not to jump into mind.

Only what is here is real, everything else is fuck up.

Thanks, Juraj

The origin of idea

I woke up today morning, but I stayed in the bed breathing, the dream started in my mind and I decided not to interact with anything, just to let it flow and see what happens. I was aware that it is a dream, I knew I can direct the flow of dream but wanted to let it flow.

                The girl has been sitting on my legs, I noticed that I am excited, interestingly not by her, not by any picture, we were both dressed. I was excited by the idea that she likes me, that she wants me, that she wants to touch me. This idea was so strong, that in the moment she unexpectedly touched my penis, the semen poured out, I felt nothing just only pouring the liquid out of my body and constrictions of the muscles which makes this possible. This in the dream.

               

                I realized, when I woke up, how my ideas shape reality around me, my perception is just only mine and have nothing to do with actual reality around me, if I allow any ideas, any believes, I am in the mind locked in self created reality. Then I walked backwards searching when I allowed this idea to influence me, when I created this and when I allowed it.

                I was walking in the office, looked on right side and there was sitting girl in front of computer, she looked on me and smiled, I smiled on her and continued walking towards my place. Here was the moment I allowed the idea of her, that she smiled on me because she probably liked me, this is fuck up.

The reason why she smiled could be anything, people used to smile because many variable reason, starting with fear, desires, manipulations, hiding, etc, so If I allow just only one point why others do something, I fucked up with me, because, literally, I never know why others do something, what is behind their smiles, their actions.

I have to be clear and stable each moment I am here, without any allowance of ideas nor creation of them within me, because otherwise, I will fuck up with me.

Thanks, Juraj

Hope dies as last

I used to hope, to hope that something will happen, believe to that, hoping that maybe possibly, this time it will go well.

My life, was based on such believe, that maybe possibly somehow, something will be delivered to me, because I hope.

But hope, is not real. It is self delusion, self limitation, self stuck in such believe. I have been taught to think that hope is the last what dies in someone, and that I need to hope, that I have to hope, because without it, nothing exists.

I do not hope anymore, with self responsibility, hope is not necessary, hope is irrelevant, hope is ridiculous, hope is fuck up.

I let the hope gone and I let hope die and I let die everything which is not real, which is not of the life, moment by moment, let die everything which I allowed to enslave me.

Thanks, Juraj