Anger

          Triggered within a moment, ignited and exploded, the explosion of anger within my body and within this I see and realize that If I will allow this anger grow my actions will led me to situation I would like not be in.

The anger coming from conflicts, not fulfilled expectations, or as defense against those who pushed on me to submit according their will, many aspects why I ignited anger within me.

As a young boy I start to realize that this anger I can let grow and let myself to be controlled and even from certain perspective enjoy this anger, but within this I realized that it always led me to various points which are creating more mess, more drama, more bullshits, harm, conflicts, judging etc.

I was curious, that I can let it grow, and I can stop it, I believed that anger is real and thus experience of me, but I was curious that I can let it grow or stop. It was like allowance within me, in the very moment as the anger has been ignited, the same moment allowing it grow and penetrate my body where my body even start to tremble from amount of anger produced, or within the same moment stop and diminish and let it go.

I didn’t understood that time the mechanics of the anger, I didn’t saw that time why this exist and why I believe that it is real, I was not aware that this is energy based and I was completely missing that ego, separation, and polarity of the mind plays major role within this.

I could not comprehend that times why this frictions occur, from my perspective I didn’t liked the anger, this emotion was not one of my likeness, and I never liked the outcome of it, because the moments I allowed to be overwhelmed by anger, I created what I do not wanted, and thus I had to face that shit and consequence I let behind me just supported existence of anger within others.

In my life, it was rare situations, as the anger came to play within me occasionally, and lots of time I stopped and let it go, but as I see the moments I let it grow, complete blindness of me took place, quite interesting.

And the anger, is of the mind, the moment I experience this energy burst as anger, I know I fall, and within this question occur, why?

What is the point I am separating myself from and what is the point I judge and what is the point I do not want to face? And within this one can support oneself, to find out, what is really going on behind the face of being called human.

Thanks, Juraj

Allowance of thought

                I saw bus coming and I was not sure about its direction so I guessed and thought – That maybe possibly it will go to direction where I would like to go.

                I was wrong, bus turned different way and my way became more longer, so I had to take bus way back and then from my previous starting point to move to the point where I wanted to go.

                Mind will always mislead.

Thanks, Juraj

Failure as foundation for back chat

                Lot of times I has been solving within me in my back chat, when I did something which I judged as wrong or as mistake, that I could do it different way or that I could do something else.

                This was basically in many areas, in communication with people, in handling with money or in relationships which I participated in.

                And thus when something went “ wrong “, different way as I wanted and desired, I solved within me, looking back and arguing what I did and why I did, what other side said, etc.

                But that was because of energetic connection, because I didn’t understood what I am doing at all. I was not able to see through my actions, that I let myself to be deceived and manipulated. I allowed that as the way of living, I accepted it as my life, just puppet, I accepted me that way, living in believes and desires, constantly not satisfied with anything, because my inner world has been destroyed several times.

                The imagined stuff lot of times has been broken, thus I took it as my failure in eyes of others, I judged me, I was not able to let go, and in my back chat placing myself inferior, because of failure, and I stored this “ failure “ moments within me and I acted the way to prevent such failure again.

                But, I was creating such failures again and again, because I was not able to see me.

Thanks, Juraj

Fear as foundation for back chat

                 As a child, lot of times I did something else as my parents wanted from me to do, or I didn’t hold the promise I said.

                For example, I went out and promised, that I will come at 7 at the evening, instead of holding this promise, I played out till down and let the time pass, it was 8 or 9 and I knew I have to come home. I was aware of the consequences of my broken promise, I created fear within me, what will happen to me, what my parents will tell to me, how they will behave and possibly they will punish me.

                So I started to search for valid excuses, even I changed the time on my watch to have an excuse that I was not aware which time is it, because I feared to face the consequences and wanted to go out from the situation with excuse and without punishment, which I expected.

                Lot of times I promised to do my duties, lot of times I broke this, countless promising and breaking the promises, and from that back chatting with possible outcome, searching for excuses and justifications, because not wanting to face myself.

                And it is so simple, everything what was required, was just to hold what I said, just do what I said, and stand for my own words. But no, I rather choose the way of breaking the words, hiding, running away, and because of what? Was this all worth something?

                Everything I created, and the fear from that, was just illusions of my mind, worth nothing.

    But I see the simplicity in this, how simple can life be, if one is able to stand for the words spoken,  there is equality in this, what is spoken is hold, what is spoken is valid, and what is spoken is true, in self honesty living the words, equal and one.

Thanks, Juraj

Money as foundation for backchat

                There was believe within me, which comes from family environment, that once I will earn my own money, I can do with them anything I would like.

                I heard lot of times, that I can’t buy that or this, because it is not my money, and once I started to earn money, I just followed, spending it on that what I would like, mostly because of energy  addiction. Pure self-interest, pure delusions.

                Lot of times I heard my back chat saying against others, as money foundation why and how they are spending money, or why they do not want to pay for themselves if they should, or that now they should pay for me, solving within me and throwing judgments onto others. Or in backchat that I can do that or this because I can, as superior against all other living forms. Nice fuck up.

                I stopped this and I see how I was fucked.

                As I see from where money comes, and where money goes, my usage of money should not harm. I do not want to be harmed and not to cause harm to others, nor to abuse because I have money or can make money.

                Rather direct the money flow, where it would be beneficial for all.

Thanks, Juraj

Family as foundation for back chat

                I was inferior in front of my parents, and I took them as authority which has the right to speak what they speak and behave how they behaved. I trusted them.

                There was a moments I wanted to hide in front of them, run away, to fight, to say them what is inside me, to ask them the questions, to show them what they are doing, but I didn’t because of fear and possible consequences.

                I solved it within me in my backchat, there was a moments I was crying within me, suppressing what going on, but pretending I am fine, but thinking how I will behave and what I will do against them when I will grow up and they will have no power over me.

                My older siblings tried to take over me and grow up me on their image, I hated it and fought intensively against them, when I was not strong enough, similar backchats takes place within me, with projections and desires how I will show them when I will grow up that they have no power over me and that they can no longer to push on me to behave like they would like.

                I didn’t understood why they do what they do, because I didn’t, I took them as equal to me as my siblings, but over some time this equality within me has been destroyed, after extensive pushing and fighting, there was no more equality within me, and I started to look on them as abusers, so my abuse has been born.

                It is no more here, it is gone.

    I will no more allow to be abused, nor to abuse someone else.

Thanks, Juraj

Rejection as foundation for backchat

                There was a different kind of experiences in my life, when I have been rejected by different type of people, going through friends, girl-friends, family members, co-workers.

                Mostly I was not aware the reason why, as my investigation why started in my mind, as back chats where I found possible reason and took it as the answer why.

                In lots of cases I just let it be and didn’t care, in some cases where I involved my desires or expectations back chat has been much more extensive.

                So instead of investigation directly with the person, I investigated in my back-chat. Nice fuck up.

Thanks, Juraj

Inequality as foundation for backchat

                 I had quite “ sad “ realization, that my back chat has been created and founded by inequality where I placed myself as more as other living forms.

                The thought, that I can kill and not let live other forms, the position of ego, the superiority as human. That I can kill because I am human, not for purpose as to sustain my body, but to kill because I can.

                Everywhere is human placed as the top of living forms, you can see it daily, where humans are presented as the top of living species, and I did this within me.

                I placed myself as more than others, my backchat showed me.

Thanks, Juraj