Day 87 : Relationships – I can’t deal with it, I suppress it

                In my life, I never had an effective tool how to deal with the experiences of the mind, as positive or negative energy movements, and mostly that what I experienced as negative, I had no idea how to deal with it, thus I suppressed it and I was even not aware I am suppressing those energies and thus those energy is part of me and my direction, and to balance myself I always focused on something which balanced this negative energy experience thus something which I liked, something where I could get positive energy and thus do not see what I suppressed, lot of times perceived as that I forgot.

                To forgot, actually means to do not want to see, as nothing is forgotten, as everything is always with me, as me, just I do not wanted to see what I accepted for myself to live and thus I created idea and believe about my experiences and to those I had no idea how to align myself and deal with that thus I created the mechanism of forgetting, which is actually me suppressing what is here with me, as me, always.

                How can be anything forgotten, or how can I something forgot if everything of me, as me is always here? It is impossible to forget, just I do not want to see, that why I sometimes thing that I forgot, but I didn’t, I just do not see within moment. And to let go, is not about saying or pretending that something is the past of that it is ok, but actually release myself from energy experience within me I believed that it was real experience of myself, and thus see and realize what I accepted and allowed to myself to live, what I allowed to be my direction, and why. And within this, I do not forget what I lived and why, I do not forget what happened, but when I release myself from actual experience, thus I see clearly what point stood for within me, I do not forget, but the point I live do not have power over me anymore, the energy do not direct me anymore, and I do not define myself to that point I live, and I do not separated myself from the point I transcended within and as me anymore.

                Thus me as memories, as reflection of my past, the each memory I lived and created myself accordingly, each one I let go as my prison of my past, thus I am freeing myself from my own enslavement I created for myself, and thus I let go that what I lived, but I see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the forgetting as protection mechanism for myself to do not see directly and clearly what I accepted and allowed to myself to define myself to, to separate myself from, to delude myself with, to lie me with, to perceive and think, instead of ring the points back to me, back to self here, within moment and see and realize for myself the points I allowed to myself to hide from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that it is possible to forget, instead of realize that I created the forgetting as protection mechanism from myself as from my past to do not see directly what I lived, what I allowed to defined myself into and as, and how I created the prison of me as my mind where I suppressed myself and let the mind to direct me, as I was not able to direct myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and thus create within me believe and idea of forgetting as protection mechanism for myself to do not see directly where and how I separated myself from.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress within me the negative experiences of me as fear, anxiety, sorrow, stress, nervousness and by this create the idea and believe within and as me as forgetting or that I forgot and thus through this forgetting tried to balance myself through hunting the positive experiences as energy, instead of see and realize for myself that within this I even separated myself from energy and thus think and believe that energy experiences of the mind as negative are experiences of me, and through this believe tried to balance myself with hunting the positive experiences, not seeing and realizing that by this I deluded myself, as each one energy movement of the mind, as the mind, is experience of the mind and not real experience of me, of myself as breath, as life here, as the flesh as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe in polarity of the mind, of polarity as energy experiences of the mind as energy movements and energy experiences within my body, instead of stop, breathe and live here me, live me with and as breath, live me as expression of life, of physical who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe in energy as the source of experiences of myself, instead of taking my power back to me, and see and realize that I am the source of experiences of me, that I am the creator of me, that I am the one who decide what and how I live, and not let my mind to direct me in any way what so ever.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that what mind presents me as pictures, as definitions, as believes, as ideas and projections, instead of live me as stability of me as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need to stabilize myself and balance myself through participating in polarity of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to participate on anything which is of polarity as good/bad, more than/less than, beauty/ugly, instead of investigating each point for myself where I allowed to define myself as and through the mind and release myself from such acceptances.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 79 : Suppression of myself

                I pressured on me to do not expressed me within moments here because of accepted way of living by society and definition and ideas what this living is and thus fit into society. I pressured on me to do not express me because of existence in the mind, accepted living in the mind and not here.

                It was me who pressured on me to do not allow me to live here, because of inferiority I accepted to live towards my mind, through various believes about me or life, or people, how things works, many other points.

                But why? What I feared?  I feared to live me? I feared to accept me as life and accept me as expression of life as breath here? I pressed on me to do not express me because I am adult and thus adults behave certain way and thus adults can’t express specific points? What is this definition to be adult and why I allowed living according ideas and believing what it means to be adult? Is this therefore life or living when I just copied from grownups how they behave, how they speech and how they exist?

                Thus I submit myself into a order of the mind as a copy of that what I saw in my environment, in meaning, how people behave around me and thus I accepted to myself to be brainwashed by my own observations of that what I saw, as all I took into consideration was pictures, thoughts and emotions/feelings of other when I was in process of growing up, I never realized that times that behind this pictures is vast amount of fuck up of those I observed.

                Interestingly, thus I allowed to suppress me because of observed fucked way of living of others and their words and their believes, and I forgot to take into consideration me, to see me within those moments, I do not allowed to myself to express me as I was in process of coping fuck ups into myself and thus define myself according that, I allowed to take the shit of others into me and thus created and define myself accordingly.

                Anyway, it is completely irrelevant what others accept, what are they believes, what they fear and why, because I do not take shit of others anymore.

                I accept only equality and oneness, that’s the point which is relevant for me, as within this principle everything is considered, everything is took into attention, but not the shits, not the deception, not the lies as why should be? No reason exists for lies, for deception, for abuse, for manipulation, for the way of living people accepted to live, as it is just submission into a mind where mind is the dictator and human beings just the slaves of this dictatorship, and thus questions is, where is freedom?

                Where is the real freedom of humanity, of human beings, if they are not even able to see how they are controlled by the mind? Where is the free will, if the humanity is not able to see that the prison people lives are they submission of the mind? Where is this free will? Dosed this free will even exists within people? How this could exist, if people can’t see how much they brainwashed are just because of their own fears?

                Freedom does not exist and free will neither, until all systems die, free will as free life as expression can’t exist.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself within and as my mind, through acceptances and allowances of living in and as submission of the mind as a programmed behavioral patterns I observed through my eyes in my environment and thus think and believe that those patterns I observed is that what I should live and express, instead of see and realize that I within this I didn’t expressed myself as who I am here as breath but just copied patterns of others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to copy into my the patterns of speech, behavior, the way of movements and the way of expression from my father and from my mother, from my friends and from teachers, from adults as looking upon them as those who know more and lived more, instead of see and realize that everything I observed was programmed and served just for the purpose of programming myself into and as mind system as automated robot who just repeat patterns of movements, speech, expression and thus not living myself as expression of breath here, but just limited designed system by me of copy and duplicated expressions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot what I my real expression here as breath as life because of my accepted and allowed suppression of myself because of observed pattern around me within those grownups I was looking upon as I believed they know more and thus I should follow what they lived and what they expressed, not seeing and realize that by this I became just repeating program of myself, where I just wait suppressed within my body and gave power to my mind to initiate the patterns and programs as behaviors, speech, movements of myself, not  seeing and realizing that those patterns are ignited by thoughts of the mind and reactions as energy movements of the mind, and I am not the mind, I am here  as my physical body, as breath.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to pushed on myself and thus suppressed myself because of copied, observed behavior around me and thus think and believe that should move, speech, express myself accordingly, and thus create the ideas and believes about myself and thus limit myself and my self expression just into and as mind ideas, believes, projections of my as what, who I should be within moments I am here, instead of express myself as breath as my physical body here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to see me and express me within situations and moments I am facing and submit myself into and as patterns of copied movements, behaviors, ideas and believes about me, instead of express myself here as the breath.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to express myself here, as accepted and allowed suppression of me through ideas and believe about myself, about life, and what living should be, as copied behavior, movements and the way I move according those I observed within the reality.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to push through my own resistance of expressing myself here, and rather remain suppressed within and as my mind, as a protection mechanism of myself in believe that once I am suppressed and hidden thus I can’t be harmed.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to stand up within and as me and express myself as who I am here as breath, but rather remain enslaved in and as ideas and believe of the mind about me, about the movements, behaviors and speech of me, as how I should behave to do not create the friction, conflict because of fear of friction and fear of conflict, instead of see and realize that fear is just my own idea and believe about protection of myself, as everything I wanted thus protect myself, instead of stand up as me, as breath here and live me as equal to me, and equal to others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself because of idea and believe and fear that I can be harmed or punished and because of fear of conflict, instead of stand up each moment I am here, and face that what I need to face to bring equality and oneness into and as this world, as reflection of me as who I am as life, as what is possible as living example of breath and life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself because of perception of authority and that I am less than, instead of see and realize that I am never less and never more, I am as who I am as equal and one to myself as all.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself because of ideas and believe that within the existence are those who are more and those who are less, instead of see and realize that it was just my own fuck up accepted as idea by me as mind, and thus lived accordingly, instead of stand up and express myself as breath as equal to me, equal to my body, and equal to those I am facing within and as my world.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to suppress myself as a point of waiting on something which could possibly allow me to give permission to express me, instead of stand up within and as me as breath, see and realize that it is me who is giving permission to me to express, to live, to be here, and not defined and suppressed within and as my mind, thus I am giving permission to me to express me in self honesty and live me no matter what.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 44 : Fear of Light – Hide in dark

                 In my young ages, I liked to hide in dark, I liked to hide in my bed, it was the one which could be opened and I move myself inside, with blanket as the cover of opened side of the bed, or sometimes I even closed the bed and I just let tiny whole there to be able to breathe inside.

                It was for me the place I like to be in, there was dark and I was within and as this dark, I felt secured, I felt be ok with me. I liked the darkness and I liked the dark, as what I saw through light mostly I didn’t liked.

                I can say, I didn’t liked how our family functioned, I didn’t liked school system, and I didn’t liked play out of the friendships, as always interactions with anybody brings always various conflicts, various misunderstandings, and questions and questions rising within and as me, from my childhood but no answers, nowhere valid answers.

                I asked and I tried to communicate in my life with everybody, and always this led to misunderstandings, I saw that here is something wrong, I never could explain to me what I see as wrong at this place.

                I saw the people around me, and I saw something is wrong but I was not able to see what it is.  Thus I start to hide within me, I start to hide in front of others, I started to suppress myself as I didn’t wanted to be confronted with others, as I never liked conflicts, conflicts was for me always like traumas, even tiny ones, thus I created within and as me the character as persona as funny guy, as protection from others, as protection to be harmed, I started to love jokes, and I became the one who always make others to laugh, as I had tons of jokes prepared always, I was the one who was creating the fun for others, but all this fun was fake.

                All the fun and jokes, presented within and as me, was just my funny character, it was not who I really am, it was not me living, it was just me making others to laugh to cover deep sadness within me. This sadness, I tried to uncover many many times, without success to see what it is, why this sadness is part of me, why and what I see.

                This sadness, is coming from that what I see through light, what I see we do to each other, what I see how we live, that we do not live. No one of us, no one of us is really enjoying the life, no one is here and no one is honest. Everything which is built and everything what has been done, was just for sake of abuse, manipulation, rape, ego, and as a young boy as I saw that what it here, and how people function and how the interaction between people is going, I started to simply fear to see it.

                I do not wanted to see what is going on here, I do not wanted to be part of this, I even do no understand why I have to be here, if this place is simply terrific. Yes, living on this planet is horror and what have been allowed and accepted towards life is beyond any measure, it is beyond any imagination, it is beyond any justification and any excuse.

                Millennia over millennia the Man is abusing life, the Man is killing life, Man is dishonoring life, Man is raping life, Man is lying, Man is hiding, Man is making slaves even not noticing that the Man is slave, Man is divided and split, Man is in never ending cycle between polarities, Man is in constant judgment, Man is in deluded, Man believe in zillions of gods and angels, Man live the illusion and the Man call this illusion life and dare to claim that the Man is god.

                There is no good Man in this place and there is no goodness at all. Have a look. Have a look what is going on this planet, maybe you will see.

                You can put all horror movies together which mankind created already, and still it will be just nothing if we compare what mankind allowed to be done towards the life which is here.

                And I didn’t wanted be part of this, and I didn’t wanted to see that I am also the one who is responsible for everything which is here, thus I started to fear the light and the darkness was my companion. Because within and as darkness I do not had to look on what is going on here, thus in my life I started to enjoy places where the darkness was, I liked to live in the dark and sleep during the day, sometimes I wanted to simply sleep forever, or simply go somewhere else, but where I should go? It is no place where to hide, it is no place where to go, everything is still here.

                But thanks to light I can’t deny what I see, thanks to light I can’t run away, but thanks to light I can’t ignore what we as mankind are doing to each other.

                It is not acceptable to continue this way. Simply, it is not acceptable. Mankind has to awake from the dream which mankind is living – and this dream is called – MIND.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as fear to see what is going on here on this planet and what we as humanity is collectively accepting and allowing to live I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the light as point of fear to see that I am responsible for that what is here and that I am part of this all and that I am part of mankind and thus it is my responsibility to awake myself from the mind and help and support others to awake to stop torturing the life and abusing the life thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not want to take responsibility to show others what has been allowed and accepted and just rather remain hidden in the darkness of myself where I do not have to see what is going on here and how we as humanity are blind to each other and deaf to each other as we live each one of us in own self created bubble of our minds full of deception, lies, manipulation made of ideas and believes about ourselves and thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create for myself ideas and believes about me and life to do not have to see and realize what I am living and what I am accepting towards myself and towards others where I lived as ego as separated entity within and as my mind ignoring the most prominent fact here which is that life has been hijacked, that life has been abused by man to utmost degree possible and that I am responsible to show and reveal everything what has been done to awake myself and others to stop this madness which we are living here on earth.

Thanks, Juraj 

Family as foundation for back chat

                I was inferior in front of my parents, and I took them as authority which has the right to speak what they speak and behave how they behaved. I trusted them.

                There was a moments I wanted to hide in front of them, run away, to fight, to say them what is inside me, to ask them the questions, to show them what they are doing, but I didn’t because of fear and possible consequences.

                I solved it within me in my backchat, there was a moments I was crying within me, suppressing what going on, but pretending I am fine, but thinking how I will behave and what I will do against them when I will grow up and they will have no power over me.

                My older siblings tried to take over me and grow up me on their image, I hated it and fought intensively against them, when I was not strong enough, similar backchats takes place within me, with projections and desires how I will show them when I will grow up that they have no power over me and that they can no longer to push on me to behave like they would like.

                I didn’t understood why they do what they do, because I didn’t, I took them as equal to me as my siblings, but over some time this equality within me has been destroyed, after extensive pushing and fighting, there was no more equality within me, and I started to look on them as abusers, so my abuse has been born.

                It is no more here, it is gone.

    I will no more allow to be abused, nor to abuse someone else.

Thanks, Juraj