Day 67 : Tiredness – Direction – Self movement

                What is tiredness, and what means to be tired? When tiredness is real? I noticed interesting point, at the beginning of my process, after applying self-forgiveness I became sometimes so tired, that I was not able to function and thus I had to go to bed, to sleep just for a while, as tiredness experienced was immense.

                Over time, this tiredness became les and les and eventually I was able to function fresh all day, I applied SF on tiredness so far many times. Each time this tiredness disappeared and I continued during my days.

                As I realized, real physical tiredness I always experience within and as my body, in muscles, when I see that my body is really tired and need rest. The second type of tiredness, I experience within my head region, it is just sense of being tired, this sense come often after stopping some point, some energies within me, of after applying SF, just question is, why this tiredness come?

                Sometimes, this tiredness was within me as a protection mechanism of not wanting to face the reality, not wanting to face me, thus energy created and sense of being tired, to rather escape and not have to do what I had to, most of time when I had to accomplish something, and I do not wanted, or I do not wanted to bother myself with participation on specific tasks, thus rather I allowed tiredness to emerge within me and thus go to bed.

                Or after applying SF, experience like removed energy and living on that energy, and thus have nothing within me what could move me, instead of taking responsibility and move myself without this energy. Interesting scenarios.

                Anyway, it is always, to be directed by energy, or direct self as self movement. To move, be here and enjoy the presence without necessity of being directed by anything and anyone. That’s quite journey to accomplish into perfection.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that tiredness exist, that it is real experience of me, instead of realizing that tiredness as experience within and as my body, in head, as energy is just of the mind, created and generated by me as a point of not wanting to face me, to participate on that what is required to be done, as my resistance, as a point of boredom, as a point of energy requirement of being directed by energy and live on and as energy, instead of standing up as who I am, instead of taking responsibility for myself and my world and people within my world and move myself ,express myself, voice myself and speak myself within and as breath ,as expression of me as living word.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself the tiredness to exist within and as me as a energy generated and allowed by me as mind as a point of not have to accomplish certain tasks I have to, as a point of wanting to rest and have a time for myself and wanting to have energy within me as a point of wanting to be directed by energy instead of standing up, and do not accept and allow the energy as tiredness to move me and direct me and my world, my speech and my life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became addicted on energy and thus require always experience some energy, and even when this energy is not experienced by any means and any point here, thus create the energy as tiredness to have a point of abdicating my self responsibility and responsibility for my life and my world and not having to direct myself, to move myself but rather submit myself into and as mind as energy to move me and direct me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself the existence of energy as tiredness to exist within and as me as a point of separation from energy to have a platform for experiencing this energy in believing that this experience is real experience of me as myself as who I am, instead of seeing and realizing that always I accept and allow to the experience of energy in separation from myself, thus I am supporting the separation within and as the world in me and outside of me, that I am supporting the existence of tiredness as energy movement and direction of energy, that within this I am supporting the abdication of one’s life and taking responsibility for one’s life, instead of taking self responsibility, to stand up within and as me as who I am here as breath, to stand up and show as a living example of living word that it is possible to stand up and take self responsibility for life and oneself within this world, to direct myself without energy requirements and not accepting and allowing to be directed by energy.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 65 : I have no money – I have no value - Money slave

                Point came up, the money, my perception of money and the value I am giving into money, and into myself through the money, and within this judgment of myself because of not having money, and thus not valuing myself as basically, I am without money, as this is comparison with those who have more and not seeing the plenty less fortunate than me.

                It is also the point seeing my through the money, who I am if I have money and who I am if I do not have, seeing the world here as establishment of money and dictate of money, and thus hidden anger, frustration, as why everything here in this world is basically determined just only because of money?

                Simply, we built this world just only on one value, and this one value is money. Within money point I see coming up many other points within my world, thus I will probably cover this in more writings.

                Why I sit here in cafeteria and enjoy the coffee is just only because I have money to afford this. Thus the very reason I can sit here, are money. The point why I can write this all on laptop is only money as I work for company which provides me this money and this resource. Why I have the shoes, trousers and shirt on myself are just only because I had money to buy it. The reason why I can to spend time with writing this is only money, as I do not need to be in some other job to work for money, in meaning, that my spending for my living are less than my earnings thus I can afford to spend time this way. The reason why I can enjoy myself here, are only money as through this money I can “buy” time for myself, and thus “buy” the enjoyment of myself.

                I could continue with other points, but as I see, everything is made up of and based on money, and money by itself are illusion, as money have no real value as money represents debt. Thus the very reason I am here, because I allowed myself to go into debt for my living, where in the future I will have to pay back for that what I live, the reason I am here, is because I allowed myself to use the debt of myself, the debt of my living in illusion and for illusion as a debt slave.

                Money are representation of debt, illusion, made up story out of nothing. I made up my living because of illusion and debt of myself, because I allowed myself the slavery of myself, and through this, I dared to judge myself and diminish myself and not value myself, as where I put value in my life are money, thus I put value into a illusion and into a debt.

                Nice fuck up.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as not having value, as not worthy and as not worthy and good enough as a point of comparison myself with those who has more money and thus perceive myself as not fortunate enough for living my life, and not seeing plenty of those who have literally nothing and die in starvation each day and not seeing those which live in horror and pain because they have no money and thus rather wish to die.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to regret my life and not valuing myself as life because I put value into money and see myself through money as debt, energy, and slavery and thus I allowed and accepted to myself the slavery of myself through debt and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as a point of seeing myself through money and thus seeing myself through energy, illusion and debt of myself as a point of what I will have to pay back into a future, how much energy I will have to give back, how much illusions I will have to create back and how much debt I will have to allow and accept to stop the slavery of myself, not seeing and realizing that I created myself and my perception of living within and as the point of have/not have money, and thus equally as a point of having/not having the energy for my living and thus searching the places, people, words, situations where and how I could get money/energy for myself to sustain my living, not seeing and realizing that all of this is delusion of myself and delusion of myself that I live.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live and accept the system based on energy/illusion/debt as system of value and thus valuing myself accordingly as a point of comparison as how much energy/illusions/debt as money I can get for myself and thus live my so called life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to delude myself and my life with the money and the amount of money I have, to enslave myself into a seeing myself through money I have or I can get, and enslave myself into a thinking and living accordingly money I can spent or use for myself and for my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wish to win a lot of money, to wish to be more fortunate as a point of changing my life if I would win a lot of money, as a point of excuse that than I will change myself and change my living and change my life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to determine my self honesty through the point of money and as a point of how much money I have, and thus shape myself, my living, my words accordingly as how much money I can spend, instead of seeing and realizing that this is self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my decisions only on money I have or I can spend or afford, and not seeing myself as life as and only value which exist but valuing myself through money I have.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish myself, to regret myself, to judge myself accordingly of amount of money I have, can get, can earn or get and not living myself, not speaking myself, not standing up for myself, but shape and mold myself according illusion, of money, debt of money, and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself with others according the amount of money I have and they have and thus exist within and as mind system as comparison myself in separation from myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be jealous on those who are more fortunate and have more money and be jealous on life they can live and how they live as a point of going into a work or not having go into a work as a point of amount of money I have and they have and through this be dishonest within and as me, to delude myself and enslave myself into living a mind, a system of energy and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see myself as life, equal with life, not honor myself as life because of separation myself from the money, judging money as bad, seeing money as evil and judging money as root of all evil, instead of realizing that through this I am judging myself and living just as a zombie for money and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from money through judging money as bad, through judging the system as bad as the system is based on money, thus judging myself as bad as I am within the system and participant in the system, not seeing and realizing that through this very judgment I am the problem why system of money exist this way, as I separated myself from the money, judged them and desiring to have money and be jealous on those who have more money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself according the amount of money I have, according the money I can spend and the stuff I can spend money on, to define myself according the debt/energy/illusion money represents and became the living entity of definition of myself towards money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to have money, to fear to earn a lot of money, to fear to handle money as a fear of what or who I would became if I would have those money.

I commit myself to investigate how I defined myself towards money and stop living as a zombie for money.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 23 : Fear of change – Let go and change

                Next point as fear I am facing, is fear of change, I see lot of times I denied this fear or was not aware that this energy experience is this specific fear, interestingly it is here right after fear of unknown, thus fears by itself as quite interlinked.

                Why I fear to change? This is quite interesting because I am aware that I can change and I proved to myself within lot of points that I changed thus those changes was beneficial, it was not “tragedy” to push myself and simply let go.

                Here this fear is linked on very specific issue as postponement, procrastination, laziness, thus energy polarity of positive and negative together with my working on my 8^th assignment, I am lax, I do not want to go into specificity of the points I am working on, I resist to go to really very details of it, I am aware I can do it, but I do not want.

                I built up within me quite strong resist to go really to very specific details within self forgiveness, as I see that within this I’ll change and I am not aware who I will be.

                It is ego point, where I see that within this I will have to push myself and stop and let go part of my personality/character as energy play out of positive/negative through postponement, procrastination, laziness, not wanting to work on that into details as perfection and thus resist to work on myself, look and see within me where and how I can work with me to release myself from patterns which serve me for nothing, but from certain perspective I like it as this brought me this illusion of security within my mind creation of this persona/character.

                Why to fear to change the points I am facing? Why to fear to work really with discipline and self-commitment, why to fear something, as this fear by itself is just illusion? Why to fear as this fear is just energy produced and stored within me, thus why not to release myself from this energy? It would be maybe the coolest thing I can do for myself.

                Did I created even likeness towards fear as energy experience within me? Did I like to fear? Did I like to remain trapped within illusions of mind as mind by itself is illusion, thus fuck the fear is bigger illusion than the mind. Can be some illusion bigger and some smaller? Depends, as I see, how much I defined myself into it, became one with that illusion, and thus live that illusion. Thus who I am?

                Illusion. Thus stop it , get rid of it, and became real. Living in fear is not real living, it is just character, mirage, it is not who I really am as I am life here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change as fear of who I will be when I will change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to step out of fearful persona/character of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that energy experience as fear of change is real experience of me, and thus feeding my mind to keep me trapped within my own creation as fear of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not allow to myself to work on self forgiveness into details and ensure that I am satisfied with my self forgiveness as point of my self perfection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to change and change into perfection.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to be disciplined within my application of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feat to change the persona/character as fear of change as I created likeness towards energy experience of the mind as fear not realizing that within this very allowance and acceptance I am remaining trapped within and as illusion of the mind as fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself with energy experience as fear of change and fear of unknown and thus do not apply self forgiveness into details as I see and realize that I can do it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit my writings and my self forgiveness within and as fear of change and thus allowing within me back doors why I can step back and remain as character/persona living in my mind not realizing that within this I am allowing and accepting self sabotage of my process and my walking of my application and my standing up and thus compromise myself and within this compromise others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live and became fear of change character and persona and through this energy experience and likeness of this energy not considering others, their time, their application and thus postponing and procrastinating that what I can simply do thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me resistance to apply self forgiveness into specificity and details as open back door within me and excuse why I can remain trapped within and as mind and thus compromise my application of self forgiveness and through this compromise others and just prolonging my process instead of simply standing up, be with and as breath here and do what I have to do which I see and realize I have to work on as and within my application and walking and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compromise my standing for life and through this giving power to my mind to keep me trapped within illusion of fear and thus giving my mind power to distract and abuse, instead of realizing that life is the only value.

Thanks, Juraj

Inequality as foundation for backchat

                 I had quite “ sad “ realization, that my back chat has been created and founded by inequality where I placed myself as more as other living forms.

                The thought, that I can kill and not let live other forms, the position of ego, the superiority as human. That I can kill because I am human, not for purpose as to sustain my body, but to kill because I can.

                Everywhere is human placed as the top of living forms, you can see it daily, where humans are presented as the top of living species, and I did this within me.

                I placed myself as more than others, my backchat showed me.

Thanks, Juraj

Ego as mind - Breath as life

                I was wrong in my life many times, and wanted to be right. Wanted to win and prove to myself that I am right, that what I do, speak, in what I participate is me and that I am right.

                This was not me, this was living and walking my Ego, where the mind defend itself, own position within the system through various aspects, mostly linked to backchat which is silent but I heard it.

                The arguing, the fight, the statements, many times I heard and many times I followed and I allowed to myself be blinded and not to see what is here. Any thought which I allowed, had consequences in my life. I thought before that thoughts do not have effect, that I can thought what I wish to and dream what I want to dream, etc, I trapped myself, by my own thoughts into living something which is not me.

                Each one thought has consequences, each one is illusion, and each one thought is not of life. Interestingly, ego plays mayor role in it, when I thought and believed that I am that what is trying to defend the position within me, I believed that ego is me, it is not.

                I tried during the conversation to do not allow any thought which could trigger my backchat, interestingly this was cool as I was able to see how much times I trapped myself into backchating within me, arguing, ach, and for what? For my ego, which is not real, because if I do not allow it, it do not exist, any speech within is simple not real.

                It is so simple, anything which pops up in the mind, simply is not real. And has nothing to do with reality.

                The breathing is assisting amazingly, to stop and let go, to walk what needs to be walked, now I see, that each time I am not aware of my breath so that each very moment I am illusion and not real.

                This is process to walk to be breath as expression of life, stable and clear without anything which could deceive, delude, and compromise.

                The breath is stability, the breath is clarity, the breath is real, the breath allows seeing and the breath allows living.

                Be the breath, be the life. Walk the process of breath as life.

Thanks, Juraj