Day 148 : Move without movement within

                I liked to dance quite lot, I liked to dance for hours and tiredness has not been the point to stop me from dancing, I enjoyed the movements and I enjoyed the sound. I forgot that those movements have been based on energy experience I created within me towards the sound, place, and people. This was years ago.

                For several years I was not attending the clubs, places where I liked to dance, I stopped. The music and sound do not created within me reactions, I do not experienced anything towards the music, and thus I have no more desire to dance and move with the sound as the energy within diminished created towards this points.

                Just few moments when I experienced energy reactions towards music last years are gone, and thus I faced interesting point.

                This night, I went to dance club to meet with friend and look around the downtown, and as I stood nearby stage, and heard the music, music of my likeness from the past, nothing moved within me. I just stood there and breathe, observed the people, lights, dj, and the place looked to be perfect for dancing, exactly matching my likeness of dancing places, and I just stood at the pillar.

                Times ago, normally I would go to dance immediately and start to rave and move, and here nothing. Just I stood and see and within me like nothing which could move me, and at the same time like the wall of resist within me to move and go dance.

When I was young, around age 10 till 14 I was extremely shy to go to dance and move, I spend hours of backchats, worrying, stressing and in nerves to push myself and go to dance. After years this shyness has been gone and it was me who has no problem immediately to jump on stage and dance without alcohol or drugs used, as the music and experiences within me was enough for me. The rave and rush of energy as movement of my body I danced and I moved with the sound and the energy I experienced.

Now, this was completely different, as only what I experienced was nothing just me breathing, and I realized, how much I used to move based on energy and experiences of this energy, and now when this energy is no existent I am no able to move, to go dance and enjoy the music and movement of me.

As I stood there, by paradox I applied SF on this point in the sound of noisy electro music and I started to move myself in the middle of the place, and I just experienced the sound beats on and with my body, all I experienced was just me breathing and the sound and the worry came up as if I am able to even dance without energy experiences but as I started to dance I let go this worry and I started to move myself with the beats of the sound, hearing just this sound and moving me, my legs, hands, my body and I move me but I do not experienced anything within me, no energy and no reaction with or towards the sound, I dance and I move and I hear and I enjoy the moments I dance and nothing just me dancing exists.

After some time I realize that I am not completely satisfied with myself as my movements, as I see that many moves of me I programmed to my body and thus some moves are heavy, some are light and like flow, some even hard to proceed and I see that this is not completely me as moves of me while dancing.

The friend comes and I see she has a worry with the points she is facing, she pretend she is ok but I always see she is not. I stopped to dance and went out with her, and the experiences of me as nothingness do not changed within moments, just worry of her came up if she will be ok, yes I see she will be but sometimes to go through some points with another is quite difficult, mainly in the stage where she is.

Anyway the point of moving me without energy experiences is quite interesting, and at the same time like “hard” as it is me who have to move me, not energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I never moved without energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I was always addicted to energy movements within me and thus follow the energy which I accepted and allowed within me to move, and not move myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that it is me who have to move myself, and not energy and thus I have to realize for myself what it means to move me, where nothing as energy movement exists within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to free myself from energy movement, energy addiction and thus moving me according energy in and as my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to give myself the permission to move me without energy, where I am the directive principle of my movement and not mind nor energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to move myself without any energy requirement.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to direct myself and not accept and allow to create within me the energy nor accept be directed by energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to flow, to move, to express, to expand in and as breath, as the moment as presence of me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move myself without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe the I need energy for my movement, not seeing and realizing that it is actually me as my body which moves in and as moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I always needs some point, source, influence which will move me, not seeing and realizing that by this I am submitting myself to my mind and separating myself from myself, as everything which exists is equal to me and I equal to everything.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am to weak to stop my mind entirely, to stop living as energy addict and believe that energy experiences are real experiences of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust to energy experiences within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t move, that I can’t express and direct myself if I have no energy created within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to decide for myself and stand up for myself and direct myself if I have no energy within me, not seeing and realizing that this is living me in self dishonesty towards me, in delusion, in lie and compromising my life and my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to flow, to expand, to express myself here within and as moment here, because I defined myself in and as living in submission of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind is not real, that anything of the mind is illusion and that I submitted my life into and as illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need energy, that I desire energy, that without energy I am dead.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to experience something if I do not experience anything as energy movement of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that desire to experience something is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have no power to move me, to direct me, to express and live my life in self honesty here as I clearly see that what is of the mind is based on thoughts and energy movement as friction of polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards thoughts of the mind, energy experiences created as polarity friction within my body and thus think and believe that I need this friction, that I need polarity to be able to live and have sense that I live not seeing and realizing that this sense of living is my own self delusion because I accepted to live as mind slave all my life, and thus it is me who have to take all my power back to myself, as I am the source, as I am the direction, as I am here as breath, as my body as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am inside my body in my head, not seeing and realizing that I am the body, that I am the very flesh as physical not inside as voice, thoughts, back chats or energy experiences, but real being moving, expressing, and living here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe what if some of my thoughts are real, what is some thought is valid, what if some back chat is true, what if somehow possibly this is me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of seeing what is of the mind as thoughts as spoken words by the mind which I clearly hear within my head, and thus I can use any of the words mind spoke to investigate how, when, why I defined myself to live as the mind slave controlled by illusion, and thus free myself from mind control and free myself and live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind can be good guide, not seeing and realizing that anything of the mind as thought, energy experiences, is simply trap of the program as design to keep me enslaved, controlled and not allow to live as free being, not seeing and realizing that mind will never allow to myself to free me, because it is me who have to stop the mind, it is me who have to take my power back to me, it is me who have to free myself, to stop each thought I accepted, to stop any energy movement I created within me, and thus stop to live in and as friction of polarity design, which is design of the mind to create the energy from myself as physical and thus destroy, diminish and devalue myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind will somehow help me to stop the mind, not seeing how deluded this is, as mind had power over me whole life and thus mind will do everything possible to sustain itself, and thus it is me who have to stop the mind, to stand up for myself and direct myself each moment in and as breath, because moment I am not here as breath thus I am in the mind and thus in realms of illusions.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need the mind to stop the mind, not seeing and realizing that I have everything what I need to be able to stop the mind effectively, as my breath, self forgiveness and ability to investigate the point as how, where and when I defined myself into a mind and thus how I trapped myself into a illusion.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 65 : I have no money – I have no value - Money slave

                Point came up, the money, my perception of money and the value I am giving into money, and into myself through the money, and within this judgment of myself because of not having money, and thus not valuing myself as basically, I am without money, as this is comparison with those who have more and not seeing the plenty less fortunate than me.

                It is also the point seeing my through the money, who I am if I have money and who I am if I do not have, seeing the world here as establishment of money and dictate of money, and thus hidden anger, frustration, as why everything here in this world is basically determined just only because of money?

                Simply, we built this world just only on one value, and this one value is money. Within money point I see coming up many other points within my world, thus I will probably cover this in more writings.

                Why I sit here in cafeteria and enjoy the coffee is just only because I have money to afford this. Thus the very reason I can sit here, are money. The point why I can write this all on laptop is only money as I work for company which provides me this money and this resource. Why I have the shoes, trousers and shirt on myself are just only because I had money to buy it. The reason why I can to spend time with writing this is only money, as I do not need to be in some other job to work for money, in meaning, that my spending for my living are less than my earnings thus I can afford to spend time this way. The reason why I can enjoy myself here, are only money as through this money I can “buy” time for myself, and thus “buy” the enjoyment of myself.

                I could continue with other points, but as I see, everything is made up of and based on money, and money by itself are illusion, as money have no real value as money represents debt. Thus the very reason I am here, because I allowed myself to go into debt for my living, where in the future I will have to pay back for that what I live, the reason I am here, is because I allowed myself to use the debt of myself, the debt of my living in illusion and for illusion as a debt slave.

                Money are representation of debt, illusion, made up story out of nothing. I made up my living because of illusion and debt of myself, because I allowed myself the slavery of myself, and through this, I dared to judge myself and diminish myself and not value myself, as where I put value in my life are money, thus I put value into a illusion and into a debt.

                Nice fuck up.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as not having value, as not worthy and as not worthy and good enough as a point of comparison myself with those who has more money and thus perceive myself as not fortunate enough for living my life, and not seeing plenty of those who have literally nothing and die in starvation each day and not seeing those which live in horror and pain because they have no money and thus rather wish to die.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to regret my life and not valuing myself as life because I put value into money and see myself through money as debt, energy, and slavery and thus I allowed and accepted to myself the slavery of myself through debt and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to judge myself as a point of seeing myself through money and thus seeing myself through energy, illusion and debt of myself as a point of what I will have to pay back into a future, how much energy I will have to give back, how much illusions I will have to create back and how much debt I will have to allow and accept to stop the slavery of myself, not seeing and realizing that I created myself and my perception of living within and as the point of have/not have money, and thus equally as a point of having/not having the energy for my living and thus searching the places, people, words, situations where and how I could get money/energy for myself to sustain my living, not seeing and realizing that all of this is delusion of myself and delusion of myself that I live.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live and accept the system based on energy/illusion/debt as system of value and thus valuing myself accordingly as a point of comparison as how much energy/illusions/debt as money I can get for myself and thus live my so called life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to delude myself and my life with the money and the amount of money I have, to enslave myself into a seeing myself through money I have or I can get, and enslave myself into a thinking and living accordingly money I can spent or use for myself and for my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to wish to win a lot of money, to wish to be more fortunate as a point of changing my life if I would win a lot of money, as a point of excuse that than I will change myself and change my living and change my life.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to determine my self honesty through the point of money and as a point of how much money I have, and thus shape myself, my living, my words accordingly as how much money I can spend, instead of seeing and realizing that this is self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to base my decisions only on money I have or I can spend or afford, and not seeing myself as life as and only value which exist but valuing myself through money I have.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to diminish myself, to regret myself, to judge myself accordingly of amount of money I have, can get, can earn or get and not living myself, not speaking myself, not standing up for myself, but shape and mold myself according illusion, of money, debt of money, and energy as money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to compare myself with others according the amount of money I have and they have and thus exist within and as mind system as comparison myself in separation from myself, thus I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be jealous on those who are more fortunate and have more money and be jealous on life they can live and how they live as a point of going into a work or not having go into a work as a point of amount of money I have and they have and through this be dishonest within and as me, to delude myself and enslave myself into living a mind, a system of energy and illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to not see myself as life, equal with life, not honor myself as life because of separation myself from the money, judging money as bad, seeing money as evil and judging money as root of all evil, instead of realizing that through this I am judging myself and living just as a zombie for money and energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to separate myself from money through judging money as bad, through judging the system as bad as the system is based on money, thus judging myself as bad as I am within the system and participant in the system, not seeing and realizing that through this very judgment I am the problem why system of money exist this way, as I separated myself from the money, judged them and desiring to have money and be jealous on those who have more money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to define myself according the amount of money I have, according the money I can spend and the stuff I can spend money on, to define myself according the debt/energy/illusion money represents and became the living entity of definition of myself towards money.

                I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to have money, to fear to earn a lot of money, to fear to handle money as a fear of what or who I would became if I would have those money.

I commit myself to investigate how I defined myself towards money and stop living as a zombie for money.

Thanks, Juraj

The rules – The principle

                I found, that in my life I broke certain rules of society really zillions of times, from childhood till now uncountable times where I stepped out of the rules accepted by society, morality or ethic.

 I can say I do not know what does these two words mean, as this words are made up illusions of society behavior accepted by most of participant within a group and this differ within a nations round the globe as each country follow bit different laws, dogmas, religions.

The more rules and laws we have in place, the worst quality of our lives is as the limitation and control by this laws is making perfect slaves within a nation where the individual have to submit and follow the restrictions thus from free life the follower is born which fit into and live the life according to it where the free will do not exists anymore, yet people still believe that they have free will but this only because they do not see how much mind controlled they are thus accept own programming and own brainwashing, which we can see that is perfect.

And as I see this, we do not need laws and we do not need restrictions and we do not need ethics or morality, as all what the humanity need is to live according the principle, where all are equal.

The principle of equality, where the quality of life is maintained for each living being, including the humans, animals, plants, bugs, and from this the free life for us will be born where we all will be free from our own mind control systems created.

We do not need multiple languages and we do not need borders and we do not need separation to exists, as this is only perceived within the mind of man that things existed this ways always, which can’t be true, if for you the common sense have some meaning.

And maybe you will ask, what is equality, or how to live equal and one? What this does really means? To grasp the message of desteni and why desteni stand for equality, require some effort and education of yourself, but dare to ask.

Dare to ask within you and dare to find out answers, as the principle of equality is the only principle worth to live.

Thanks, Juraj