Part of the journey, is The End.

     When I took first step in this journey more than decade ago, I had no idea into which I decided to go into. And here I am speechless, and within this I was able to see how silence is the sound and what this means.

     Me as the realization, that I am all of the existence, penetrating all which exists, as the creator, became the foundation of me walking the days, the moments. Here two points emerged, and it looked simple, stop all judgement as all is me, and unite all polarities as all exists as those.

     Within this, my curiosity became shattered, as I seen that everything and anything I would encounter, would be me.

     I stand and I see while speaking to "others" that all physical is me, hugging myself as expression of love.

     As the breath of me, I see that real love is expression of oneness and equality, and anything else is deception, lies, you name it as you live it, therefore love do not exists as oneness and equality do not exists within humans at all. And I seen millions stand for noble reasons and claim and describe love but unfortunately, all of them live in deception of themselves the very same way as I used to. It is a pity ? Shame ? No. It is what it is, as each being, deal within themselves with polarities and judgement as own creation.

     I could create this illusion of me separating myself from everyone and everything, and live happy life, which would be not real, but for mind, this doesn't matter. Mind by itself do not differentiate between dream, illusion, or reality, as for the mind, comprehension of what is real do not exists and can't exist and never will as mind by itself is not real. And something as the mind, which is not real and never will, therefore will never exists understanding of reality, because this would be always in separation.

    And this is not even a purpose of the mind, to see what is real, or understand, or love, as mind can't do this, because mind is polarity creation with judgement to create this lovely energy, in separation from anything and everything.

     Going way back, too far to very begging, this idea, that I can't be alone, and someone or something else must exists, was a fall of me and for everyone else, as through this I created infinite separation and emergence of infinite beings as awareness of me, all forgotten and lost that all is me, unfortunately manifested to very situation we are all in here.

     Many could see this as a problem, and want to fix this, but here is nothing to be fixed. I created illusion of infinite separation from myself, and here all live it. And this can't be fixed as all believe in it, all became it. I could spend life times with each being, walking together, to explaining, to share, always with the same outcome, as mind has always the same outcomes, no matter what I would do, as I tested this through thousands of iterations, and I will not go into more as I proven this to myself already.

     Within the prove, by paradox nothing can be proven for anyone, yet mind so desperately requires prove, but can not prove itself into existence  as mind always dies.

     We could all live in harmony on this planet, as expression of love and oneness of ourselves, but this will never happen here. Yes, many tried this, many are trying, many will try, and all of that actions, all of those words, all of everything will be always futile. Until the moment mind exists as a system powered, until that moment love is not possible.

     Here maybe few sees, that slave is the master. How is this possible is quite interesting, as many could say that master is simply over the slave, but this is in fact other way round.

     Few beings wanted to be masters of all, not seeing that they deceived themselves into submission of this creation, as me, and that what they enslaved was in fact always their master. Through simple act, of will, to place oneself as less then, masters could emerge and through the same act as placing oneself as equals masters diminishes. It was never real yet dozens of beings came through this and will.

     Within me seeing all is me, I was really surprised to be attacked by those who claims their stand, for asking a simple yes or no question, or being bullied for simple statement, or being deceived by those who claims to be real. And I had to start question myself from point of view I never did before, and re-explore polarities creation within myself.

     The act of will, and decision, can not be forced to anyone. No matter, how hard you would be, which roads you would make, which lifetimes you would chose to place anyone through, it would
never matter, and it would have no effect, simply, if any being chose anything, it can not be changed by any force no matter how strong such force would be, as being as awareness is by itself the strongest force which could possibly exists, as each being is creator, therefore GOD, and you can not force GOD.

     I had this desire, when I lived as a woman in previous lives, to know and explore how it is to be a man, interestingly each life time me being a man ended the same way, as a woman I was always the same, and as a man I was the same, as a being experiencing animal form I always encountered the point I shattered. Interestingly, each man comes from a woman, therefore man a woman polarity is so funny deception all live by, as each woman is a man at the same moment each man is a woman, because of polarities all live by, yet beings love to determine themselves in this polarities. O yeh, I am The MAN. Here I am, the WOMAN power. Really ? How so ? And who would you be when you lose your dick and your vagina ? You know, death is waiting. Death has infinite time and will always come, and the standing as the death is quite a task, to strip each being of everything.

     Would you stand as a death ? To invite each being into your hug, and within this hug take away from them literally everything ? Would you call this absolute cruelty or a gift ? Yet, even death is powerless over the being in point of your will and your awareness can not be taken away. Therefore you could choose separation from yourself for eternity, and no power would be able to change your decision. Therefore, violence, war, destruction, will never bring anything and never change anything and never make anything better.

     Each being here, exists as separation from themselves, and separation means lack of something, and lack of something means you are in negative state of being, which could bring you positive, and thus close the loop of polarity of your mind and state, therefore positive will never be answer as positive is deception. And as each being exists in negative and became it, thus on this planet things will never go to better, but by paradox worse.

     Until each being reaches by own decision into deepest depths of themselves and see their negative and resolve this negative point, until then, love is not possible nor real. Bring here real love, is a task worth stand for, who will chose this, must be also prepared that it will never play out.

     I choose the road out of curiosity and while walking this road curiosity within me died. I choose this road to explore everything yet I lost everything. I choose this road to understand and see the words yet I became speechless. I lost everything, for nothing. And nothing, is the highest reward I could possibly gave to myself, as only nothing is real, every be, ever was. Nothing is silence and silence is sound.

Everything else, is only your illusion.

If you dare to question yourself, and walk into nothingness, I invite you.

     My journey ends, maybe yours begins as me, and I will stand with me as love of myself as equality and oneness of me, no matter which roads you chose. Even death.

I will always love me.

Juraj

Day 159 : Who I am, Who I became, Who I will be

                I am not able to express and write or speak who I am as I am not able to describe who I am. I am not able through words describe me, what this me is. I can’t define who I am and I can’t determine this me. As I am here I can walk my inner bullshits and sort out my demons, and maybe finally to get to a point to deal with the demon of me as mind I became.

                I have to say, that I was surprised, what I saw within me, as me, what is part of me, and what eventually was as me or me as that all the time but I was just not able to see within me all this shits deep within.

                To uncover the thoughts, and what thoughts represent is from certain perspective simple, yet mind as me, me as mind is trying to hide the truth of me each time I see within.

                And yet, once one stop to judge that what is real within, I was really surprised about myself. There is nothing like positive energy, positive thoughts, or positive attitude, nor negative or that what should be presented as negative. Nope. As me, in me, there is specific point, and that I my dear ego.

                My EGO, me as the one who stand separated from everything and everyone, and anything which exists I simply deny through and as my ego. Me as ego, is that what is true face of me, and yet I never said to anyone, what I see within and as me. Maybe this is not necessary anyway, as each time I let something go thus this no more direct me, determine or define me, or better say, I do not consist and exist as that point I solved, and what I solve and what I walked for real simply never came back.

                But what is still coming back, is simply me as the ego as eye, as how I see myself and everything else separated, and that way I experience myself, just here within and as my body, to certain level my body as I am not able to put my head down and say that yes I am equal and one with my body, as this is simply nonsense, as I am not aware of my body so much stuff, that this is now irrelevant to solve. Yes the touch, almost all of those I make I am aware, once breathing and focusing on this, but my body is not just that. Each cell and each atom, molecule my body is made of, I am not aware at all as I am separated from everything my body exist as, because the energy influences I accepted to separate myself from my body. Even so, the level of awareness of my physicality goes into a point of me breathing, and the touches I made, but everything else, is simply hidden because of the ego I became.

                The ego of me, and what I walked, and what starts to unfold within and as me, what I started to see, many times I was firstly ashamed, I felt guilt of me, surprise and wonder how come this is me, how come this exist as me, how come that this is in me, as me. How come that I am this and how come that I exist as this. And always I have to search back within my life to see the relevance of past moments I accepted myself to create and based myself on.

                The ego I became, the ego I created, the ego I am, is to the most level possible influenced by pictures of my environment, as simply I believed of anything which pictures presented to me and I forgot to ask the truth behind, as each picture carry the truth behind but the picture is not this truth by itself.

                The very reason, the very fact I am able to see this world as pictures in front of me, is learned because others told me so, and I accepted those words from others and thus I became this believe, this believe in pictures and that world exist as this pictures. But the eyes, mislead very well, as I used my eyes to see as mind thus as the one point of me, one singular point of the eye of me as EGO I became.

                And the eye of the mind, the eye I am as ego as me, is not the space nor physical nor anything, just this one point which exists as pillar of me I became that, as believe I am this one point I see world and others and everything which is here.

                This one point, because I became this ego, is simply the bubble of me, where everything serves as protection of this self created bubble, and me as the ego, is hijacking everything around to protect this, this ego as me, is sabotaging every way possible everything to sustain itself, me as ego is so fuckingly scared to give up this ego, this bubble, that even to myself it seems impossible to give this up.

                But the perspective of my life, and the ego I created as me, is heading to one certain point, certainty of this point, which will come as inevitability is death.

                And the death by itself, is only one point I am absolutely sure that this will happen, and I have no doubts that I will die. What will come in my life, what I will face, what will be the stuff I will have to deal with, everything of this is to certain level placed already, as I created the consequence of my life and thus this is known, but the many possibilities which will come as well are unknown and hidden and to certain level determined by decisions I will make.

                But, again, anyway, simply do not matter which decisions I will make, and what will be outcome of this decisions, and what consequences I will create or stop, everything I will do, speak, write, will lead me with absolute certainty to the point of death.

                This point of death of me, is the point of my last breath I will breathe out, and in and as this last breath I will die. Within the moment of me dying, the ego I created as me will cease to exist, no matter how much I tried to protect this, as I am aware that I will have no longer have access to memories as past moments I created myself as.

                Within this, what I am as ego, is simply, maybe sad fact, but not real. I am not real. I live in self delusion of me, created because of that what I lived, and who I am as life, is forgotten.

                And maybe the most sad fact is, that the existence of me as ego, is because of one point and believe, that me as the mind, is more than life.

                Me as mind, me as this one point, I fall into and as believe, that I am something more that life, because of believe that I exist, but this existence I call myself, are just activated memories of my so called life I accepted myself believe as, and this fact, is simply not sexy.

                I thought to myself to be superior over the life, but in fact, it is way around. I am absolutely dependent on my physical body, and subject to my body, and I exist as this one point within and as the mind, as EGO.

                And this one point I became, is demon I am, demon I became, demon locked and imprisoned as the mind. Everything else, are just relationships towards this one point I am.

                Within this, I am interested, if I will be able to give up this me as demon as point I defined myself as, because so far, I am not able to see into such depth of me, because, there are lot of things to sort out at first.

Thanks, Juraj  

Day 148 : Move without movement within

                I liked to dance quite lot, I liked to dance for hours and tiredness has not been the point to stop me from dancing, I enjoyed the movements and I enjoyed the sound. I forgot that those movements have been based on energy experience I created within me towards the sound, place, and people. This was years ago.

                For several years I was not attending the clubs, places where I liked to dance, I stopped. The music and sound do not created within me reactions, I do not experienced anything towards the music, and thus I have no more desire to dance and move with the sound as the energy within diminished created towards this points.

                Just few moments when I experienced energy reactions towards music last years are gone, and thus I faced interesting point.

                This night, I went to dance club to meet with friend and look around the downtown, and as I stood nearby stage, and heard the music, music of my likeness from the past, nothing moved within me. I just stood there and breathe, observed the people, lights, dj, and the place looked to be perfect for dancing, exactly matching my likeness of dancing places, and I just stood at the pillar.

                Times ago, normally I would go to dance immediately and start to rave and move, and here nothing. Just I stood and see and within me like nothing which could move me, and at the same time like the wall of resist within me to move and go dance.

When I was young, around age 10 till 14 I was extremely shy to go to dance and move, I spend hours of backchats, worrying, stressing and in nerves to push myself and go to dance. After years this shyness has been gone and it was me who has no problem immediately to jump on stage and dance without alcohol or drugs used, as the music and experiences within me was enough for me. The rave and rush of energy as movement of my body I danced and I moved with the sound and the energy I experienced.

Now, this was completely different, as only what I experienced was nothing just me breathing, and I realized, how much I used to move based on energy and experiences of this energy, and now when this energy is no existent I am no able to move, to go dance and enjoy the music and movement of me.

As I stood there, by paradox I applied SF on this point in the sound of noisy electro music and I started to move myself in the middle of the place, and I just experienced the sound beats on and with my body, all I experienced was just me breathing and the sound and the worry came up as if I am able to even dance without energy experiences but as I started to dance I let go this worry and I started to move myself with the beats of the sound, hearing just this sound and moving me, my legs, hands, my body and I move me but I do not experienced anything within me, no energy and no reaction with or towards the sound, I dance and I move and I hear and I enjoy the moments I dance and nothing just me dancing exists.

After some time I realize that I am not completely satisfied with myself as my movements, as I see that many moves of me I programmed to my body and thus some moves are heavy, some are light and like flow, some even hard to proceed and I see that this is not completely me as moves of me while dancing.

The friend comes and I see she has a worry with the points she is facing, she pretend she is ok but I always see she is not. I stopped to dance and went out with her, and the experiences of me as nothingness do not changed within moments, just worry of her came up if she will be ok, yes I see she will be but sometimes to go through some points with another is quite difficult, mainly in the stage where she is.

Anyway the point of moving me without energy experiences is quite interesting, and at the same time like “hard” as it is me who have to move me, not energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I never moved without energy within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I was always addicted to energy movements within me and thus follow the energy which I accepted and allowed within me to move, and not move myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that it is me who have to move myself, and not energy and thus I have to realize for myself what it means to move me, where nothing as energy movement exists within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to free myself from energy movement, energy addiction and thus moving me according energy in and as my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to give myself the permission to move me without energy, where I am the directive principle of my movement and not mind nor energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to move myself without any energy requirement.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to direct myself and not accept and allow to create within me the energy nor accept be directed by energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to flow, to move, to express, to expand in and as breath, as the moment as presence of me here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move myself without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe the I need energy for my movement, not seeing and realizing that it is actually me as my body which moves in and as moment of breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to move without energy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I always needs some point, source, influence which will move me, not seeing and realizing that by this I am submitting myself to my mind and separating myself from myself, as everything which exists is equal to me and I equal to everything.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am to weak to stop my mind entirely, to stop living as energy addict and believe that energy experiences are real experiences of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trust to energy experiences within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t move, that I can’t express and direct myself if I have no energy created within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to decide for myself and stand up for myself and direct myself if I have no energy within me, not seeing and realizing that this is living me in self dishonesty towards me, in delusion, in lie and compromising my life and my living.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to flow, to expand, to express myself here within and as moment here, because I defined myself in and as living in submission of the mind, not seeing and realizing that mind is not real, that anything of the mind is illusion and that I submitted my life into and as illusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need energy, that I desire energy, that without energy I am dead.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to experience something if I do not experience anything as energy movement of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that desire to experience something is real.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have no power to move me, to direct me, to express and live my life in self honesty here as I clearly see that what is of the mind is based on thoughts and energy movement as friction of polarity design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself towards thoughts of the mind, energy experiences created as polarity friction within my body and thus think and believe that I need this friction, that I need polarity to be able to live and have sense that I live not seeing and realizing that this sense of living is my own self delusion because I accepted to live as mind slave all my life, and thus it is me who have to take all my power back to myself, as I am the source, as I am the direction, as I am here as breath, as my body as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am inside my body in my head, not seeing and realizing that I am the body, that I am the very flesh as physical not inside as voice, thoughts, back chats or energy experiences, but real being moving, expressing, and living here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe what if some of my thoughts are real, what is some thought is valid, what if some back chat is true, what if somehow possibly this is me, not seeing and realizing the simplicity of seeing what is of the mind as thoughts as spoken words by the mind which I clearly hear within my head, and thus I can use any of the words mind spoke to investigate how, when, why I defined myself to live as the mind slave controlled by illusion, and thus free myself from mind control and free myself and live here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind can be good guide, not seeing and realizing that anything of the mind as thought, energy experiences, is simply trap of the program as design to keep me enslaved, controlled and not allow to live as free being, not seeing and realizing that mind will never allow to myself to free me, because it is me who have to stop the mind, it is me who have to take my power back to me, it is me who have to free myself, to stop each thought I accepted, to stop any energy movement I created within me, and thus stop to live in and as friction of polarity design, which is design of the mind to create the energy from myself as physical and thus destroy, diminish and devalue myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that mind will somehow help me to stop the mind, not seeing how deluded this is, as mind had power over me whole life and thus mind will do everything possible to sustain itself, and thus it is me who have to stop the mind, to stand up for myself and direct myself each moment in and as breath, because moment I am not here as breath thus I am in the mind and thus in realms of illusions.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need the mind to stop the mind, not seeing and realizing that I have everything what I need to be able to stop the mind effectively, as my breath, self forgiveness and ability to investigate the point as how, where and when I defined myself into a mind and thus how I trapped myself into a illusion.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 72 : Relationship : Energy as Love – Love as delusion

                Within acceptance and allowance of ideas and believes of love as energy feelings within me, I deluded myself many times, sometimes to such degree, that I thought that when I will lose this “love” thus I will die.

                As I accepted to separate myself from each parts of me I consist of and exist as, thus I started to relate to parts of me I separated myself from according judgment and brainwashing of society and thus desire to be in relationship and feel and experience this love, as energy, as feeling, as many times in my life I tried to find answers what it is what I experience and why, but with no success thus I really believed that I loved girls I dated with, and thus I presented them each lies possible and each deception of myself I lived to sustain and maintain this feeling of love within me.

                True of me is, that I never loved any girl I dated with, as it was impossible, as it was just my energy created within me and likeness created towards this energy which has nothing to do with real love. How I could love anybody that times, when I was not able to comprehend just any single thought within me and any energy experience I lived, it was simply not possible.

                It is impossible to love someone, if separation exists, as love, real true love, is equality.

                Equality is love, true love of self towards self and each parts of self, where each parts are considered equally.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love is energy experience and likeness of this energy within and as me and that I need this energy and that I require this energy, instead of seeing and realizing for myself that because I separated from myself through fear of me thus I started to relate to me and desire me and thus think and believe that energy I created within and as me through acceptance and allowance of separation and fear is love, and that this likeness within me of this energy is love towards other being, instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, deception and lie of me, instead of seeing and realizing that love is equality of me as considerations each parts of me equally and thus taking attention to all parts of me equally.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body as physical and thus think and believe that I need and require love, instead of loving me, loving each parts of me as who I am as physical, as breath of life here, instead of each moment enjoy me and the presence of me here, instead of love me unconditionally as everything what I exist as and consist of as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from female gender, from males, from nature, from animal kingdom, from physical, from everything and everyone here and through acceptance and allowance of this separation start to relate to each parts of me I thought and believed are not me, and thus start to desire to be with me through feeling of love, to live with other as female because of wanting and desiring this energy experience of love created and accepted through ideas and believes about love as energy feeling and likeness towards female, instead of love me and fulfill me and my body as life here, instead of love myself equal and everything I exist as and consist of as physical, as breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through fear of sound, through fear of words, through fear of noise and through judgment of sound, and thus separate myself from myself as living word as sound and thus think and believe that it is impossible that I am sound, that it is impossible that I am words I speak, and rather turn into illusion of mind as ideas and believes and projections what I could possibly be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not thoughts within and as my mind, that I am not illusions, projections, ideas, believes about me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here, as physical as sound as silence of me as me, as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and from the words I speak through fear of me and thus start to abuse my words, start to relate and judge with me words, start to live hidden within and as my mind as thoughts, ideas and believes about me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here as physical, as my body which is always here, as word as sound as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and thus desire to be loved and desire to love, instead of love myself as equal and one as everything is exists as physical and thus live me here as expression of love as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through fear and idea and believe that I need to find myself and that I need to find my lost second part, and that I need and require to be loved, instead of see and realize that I am here, one and complete, instead of love myself and fulfill myself as completion of me as life, as expression of me as life as love as who I am here as sound.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and my expression of me as life as love through separation from myself, through fear of myself, through relationships towards me created and accepted within my mind, instead of see and realize that limitation is of the mind, as mind is limited, instead of realize that limitation is fear, that limitation is illusion and that I am not limitation and that I am not mind, instead of see and realize that I am limitless as expression of me as sound.

Thanks, Juraj