Day 88 : Relationships – Voice in the head – Thoughts as master deceiver.

                I realized, that over time, very silent, very slight voice, speaks. Within me, to me. In head, as thoughts, thoughts as silent killers of myself. It seems, that those thoughts are valid, as they occur occasionally, the voice, as self talk, as back chat, seems to be valid, seems to have some form of understanding.

                It is not so.

                I realized, that I allowed to myself to hear this silent thoughts, mostly those which reflected my likeness, or those which seems to be aligned with me, me as walking my process.

                I deceived myself with such allowances.

                I realized that this silent voice, I created as to be my guide, as I thought that I need some guidance within me to tell me what to follow. But, in this is simplicity. If I allow to myself to follow, thus I am the follower and thus within this I am just a sheep.

                And what is this slow, silent voice, reflecting about myself? That I like to be deceived? That I allow to myself to be deceived? That I do not have the guts to stand up and simply say no, I do not allow this? Is this because I followed my mind almost whole my life and thus I can’t realize what it is, simply be silent each moment I am?

                The silence, the silence is simply silence, and in this, I see my deception. Because, again, simplicity of silence is, that silence simply is. Thus nothing else just this silence is present within me, and thus it means anything which I allow to move myself, do not matter how valid it looks, do not matter how “beautiful” this break of silence looks, it is my self deception.

                But is silent voice silence? No. It is just silent self deception. It is hidden self deception. It is self deception as master degree of deceptions. Because, it seems, it looks, I am that voice, silently speaking within me. It is not so.

                This fall into self deception of voice in me, I allowed as moments when I fall to mind, when I lost me as breath, even do not matter how much I am with my breath, if I allow to myself to fall into a mind and participate on whatever mind shows me. I see what is of the mind, and can’t deny I started to use my mind as guidance, as I thought that I need some, but within this, I allowed the brilliant system of deception to guide me.

                Whole my life, I lived in deception of me, and after all, I simply allowed to myself to gave permission to genuine mechanics of enslavement to direct me within some points.

                The absolute. This word, when I speak, when I write, when I say to stand up absolute. It is like deep, very deep sorrow, even almost never noticed, almost. It is like crying, it is like praying, it is like looking upon everywhere and try to search and seek anything I could stand up within me, to stand up absolute.

                But this word, what does this really means? Why when I speak this word, in context of standing up for myself, for standing up and simply do not allow to myself to be deceived by my mind, why the sorrow of me resonate within me and tears are coming to my eyes?

                Why?

                I deceived myself with the point of wanting to search for something outside of me I would eventually stand up for, and within this, I denied myself, I lied to me, I forget me as I focused on external points around me, but I forgot, that it is me who is standing up, not for anything around me, not for anyone in context of searching something separate for me I would eventual stand up.

                But it is me, here, speaking as a being that I do not want this. I do not want to live in lies, I do not want to deceive myself and I do not want to be deceived.

                As I see this, it simply means, that I am the source, that I am the power who is able to stand up within and as me, for me, here.

                No one and nothing around me can do this for me, no matter where and with who I am. I am with me each moment I am, this I am each moment responsible for myself to stand up.

                I am responsible for myself to stand up with each breath in, and give up with each breath out. It is only me alone, and nothing in existence can do this for me. It is me here, it is me to remain consistent in my application, it is me to stand for me, it is me to live me, it is me to balance me, it is me to stand here.

                I wanted, the voice in me to stand up for myself, actually I allowed falling each time I participated on this voice, when I gave permission to follow words spoken.

                It is interesting, to walk the process, and to see and realize, what this really means. At the beginning, I was in constant falling, I kept consistently on falling even I had some insights and understanding. After some period, I kept falling on specific points; In those I defined myself and my world the most. Within walking my days, I realized many points and I resolved, and I transcended, and I walked them for real.

                But yes, point by point, I am far away from walking my entire mind. I am far away from transcending my mind. I am far away, because, it is just one moment.

                Everything which actually exists is this one moment. I am going to become this moment. I am going to become the only one moment which exists as me. But first, I have to die, not as a body, but me as EGO I lived for so many years, I am going to kill me, because I see and realize that this me, was and is just illusion.

                It is worth to kill the illusions I became, as within this, I became the illusion, thus illusion have to die to be able for life to be born. To born me as life, I have to kill me as mind. It is just that simple, but one moment far away.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with the silent voice within my head, to hear this voice, and from this create the perception, believe and idea that this voice is possibly me, that possibly I am this voice speaking in my head, instead of see and realize that it is always of the mind, and thus stand up for myself and do not allow to give attention to this voice.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give permission to my mind to deceive me with silent voice and silent thoughts where I created within me the believe and ideas that what if possibly I am this silent voice, instead of see and realize for myself that this is ultimate self deception of me, as I see and realize that silence is simply not presence of anything as words, voice, self talk within my head.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to follow the dimensions of my mind of silent thoughts and silent voice in believing that because this is so silent, thus possibly this could be me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave attention, participation and focus on words and voice silently speaking within my mind, instead of immediately stop and breathe, as I see and realize that within this I allowed and accepted to myself to fall into mind and thus participated on my self deception and thus creating my own self deception.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need some guide to tell me what to do, how to do and when to do, instead of see and realize that any moment I allow my mind to direct me, thus I am just a follower and directive principle of my live, of my words and my actions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t exist without the thoughts which silently emerge within my mind, that I can’t exist here in silence as silence as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to break the silence with acceptance and allowance of silent thoughts and silent voice within me, instead of be here, within and as reality as breath, focus on myself here, focus on my breath here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the idea of silence through silent voice and silent thoughts, instead of see and realize for myself that do not matter how much silent this voice or thoughts are, thus it is not real silence but mind talk, thus I commit to myself to do not gave attention to that what mind speaks, but investigate the points what is this saying about me and release myself from enslavement of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with silent thoughts and believe that this is possibly me speaking, instead of being and living here in and as one moment.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to not see and realize that I have to stand up for myself each moment I breathe in, and give up the moment with breath out as the moment ends thus I can again stand up with breath in as new moment and again give up as the moment ends.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to move in my mind through moments and by this missing myself and deceiving myself and giving up on myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that somewhere out there exist any point which can help me to stand up for myself and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek and search external points I could relate or enslave myself into which would possibly be my savior points I could stand up for myself, instead of see and realize for myself that this is not possible as this is my self deception and thus that I can stand up for myself only within me, as me, as equal and one with me as everything I exist as and consist of.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to focus on external reality and thus search and seek for points I could relate to, not seeing that by this I created the separation within be by searching and seeking for points I could stand up for myself, not realizing that I already know, understand, see and realize how I can stand up for myself each moment here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to stand up for myself absolute, that I do not know how I can stand up for myself, that I am too weak to stand up for myself, instead of see and realize that this is of the mind, and I am not the mind, as I am the source, as I am the flesh, as I am the physical here, thus I am equally able to stand up for myself no matter what.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give attention to my mind telling me that I do not know how I can direct myself, that it would be better to be directed by the mind, and through this think and believe that it will be more simple to let be directed by the mind instead of standing up for myself and direct myself here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to let my mind to direct me with silent thoughts and silent voice, as by within this I can abdicate my self responsibly and blame my mind for my falls, instead of see and realize that it is fear to be responsible for myself, as by self responsibility goes together with no allowing and accepting to be directed by anything but living as self directive principle of equality.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to still hold onto and idea of not wanting to be responsible for everything I do, speak, because within this justification, excuses and denials do not exists, thus I I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up on every justification, every denial, every excuse because if I do, thus only I will be responsible and thus I will not be able to hide behind the shits I created.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to abuse the knowledge and abuse what is her for my hiding, for my falling, for my abdication of self responsibility.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my seeing through looking of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide behind the justification that I do not see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to be accountable.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to be trustworthy because by this, I could not deceive anymore.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to keep the privilege for abuse, manipulation, and deception, because that’s what I can do the best.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up on self deception, as by this I would not be deceived anymore, as I liked to be deceived by my mind and by others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t break through self deception, and by this justify and excuse why I can fall, why I can live in deception of me, because of excuse that I am to weak which can fit perfectly on a lot of situation and thus by this I can abdicate my self responsibility.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like to be not responsible because I created idea and believe that responsibility is bullshit, manipulation of others, and by this I created my rebellion against self responsibility as a call for my self sabotage and doom of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play the game of blind and see, when it is serving my self interest thus I am blind and when it fits my self interest thus I see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play games on me, with me, as me, where in such games I forgot who the dice shaker is, not seeing and realizing that mind thrown dices ages ago.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play game with my life, and by this took for granted all life and play games with all life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 72 : Relationship : Energy as Love – Love as delusion

                Within acceptance and allowance of ideas and believes of love as energy feelings within me, I deluded myself many times, sometimes to such degree, that I thought that when I will lose this “love” thus I will die.

                As I accepted to separate myself from each parts of me I consist of and exist as, thus I started to relate to parts of me I separated myself from according judgment and brainwashing of society and thus desire to be in relationship and feel and experience this love, as energy, as feeling, as many times in my life I tried to find answers what it is what I experience and why, but with no success thus I really believed that I loved girls I dated with, and thus I presented them each lies possible and each deception of myself I lived to sustain and maintain this feeling of love within me.

                True of me is, that I never loved any girl I dated with, as it was impossible, as it was just my energy created within me and likeness created towards this energy which has nothing to do with real love. How I could love anybody that times, when I was not able to comprehend just any single thought within me and any energy experience I lived, it was simply not possible.

                It is impossible to love someone, if separation exists, as love, real true love, is equality.

                Equality is love, true love of self towards self and each parts of self, where each parts are considered equally.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that love is energy experience and likeness of this energy within and as me and that I need this energy and that I require this energy, instead of seeing and realizing for myself that because I separated from myself through fear of me thus I started to relate to me and desire me and thus think and believe that energy I created within and as me through acceptance and allowance of separation and fear is love, and that this likeness within me of this energy is love towards other being, instead of seeing and realizing that it was deception of me, deception and lie of me, instead of seeing and realizing that love is equality of me as considerations each parts of me equally and thus taking attention to all parts of me equally.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and from my body as physical and thus think and believe that I need and require love, instead of loving me, loving each parts of me as who I am as physical, as breath of life here, instead of each moment enjoy me and the presence of me here, instead of love me unconditionally as everything what I exist as and consist of as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from female gender, from males, from nature, from animal kingdom, from physical, from everything and everyone here and through acceptance and allowance of this separation start to relate to each parts of me I thought and believed are not me, and thus start to desire to be with me through feeling of love, to live with other as female because of wanting and desiring this energy experience of love created and accepted through ideas and believes about love as energy feeling and likeness towards female, instead of love me and fulfill me and my body as life here, instead of love myself equal and everything I exist as and consist of as physical, as breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself through fear of sound, through fear of words, through fear of noise and through judgment of sound, and thus separate myself from myself as living word as sound and thus think and believe that it is impossible that I am sound, that it is impossible that I am words I speak, and rather turn into illusion of mind as ideas and believes and projections what I could possibly be, instead of seeing and realizing that I am not thoughts within and as my mind, that I am not illusions, projections, ideas, believes about me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here, as physical as sound as silence of me as me, as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and from the words I speak through fear of me and thus start to abuse my words, start to relate and judge with me words, start to live hidden within and as my mind as thoughts, ideas and believes about me, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here as physical, as my body which is always here, as word as sound as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself and thus desire to be loved and desire to love, instead of love myself as equal and one as everything is exists as physical and thus live me here as expression of love as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from myself through fear and idea and believe that I need to find myself and that I need to find my lost second part, and that I need and require to be loved, instead of see and realize that I am here, one and complete, instead of love myself and fulfill myself as completion of me as life, as expression of me as life as love as who I am here as sound.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and my expression of me as life as love through separation from myself, through fear of myself, through relationships towards me created and accepted within my mind, instead of see and realize that limitation is of the mind, as mind is limited, instead of realize that limitation is fear, that limitation is illusion and that I am not limitation and that I am not mind, instead of see and realize that I am limitless as expression of me as sound.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 33 : Pissed off about limitation, pissed off about myself

                I had strong reactions against one human, in meaning, of how limited is point of view of this human and the way of behavior towards me, how this persona act only from perspective of self interest and do not consider absolutely anything just only own point of view and how limited it is.

                Thus I became curious what it is, why I am so pissed off about this persona, why I am angry of this persona, and why I allowed back chat towards this persona, and therefore what this persona is saying about me, where and how I allowed myself to be fucked and limited.

                I realized, my own limitations, it is my own limitation I see I am pissed about. I was pissed about myself and about me as I see that me points of view, are still so limited, what I realize is still so limited, and thus I was pissed about myself how come that I was not able to see who this persona is in front of me, and I could experience how it is, if I act/acted the way where I considered only me, myself, and do not cared about others.

                It is great shit as I see now, self interest, where only one point is seen as myself as ego is really great shit, from perspective, how abuse and manipulation is allowed and thus became the direction of one’s life.

                I am bit shocked, self interest, as ego, is from certain perspective disgusting, this persona, is innocent in own actions and words, but I realized, how it is, when one act and speak in sake of self interest, it is limitation and it is blindness to reality, to life, to self, to others, to everything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that when I act as ego in self interest thus actually I am blind and limited by the mind as the mind where I follow mind as search for energy and satisfaction thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to limit myself through and as ego of the mind as self interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself and pissed off about myself as and on my own limitations and blindness as desire to want to see and realize more thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself because I see and realize that I am limited and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be angry on myself because of my own limitations instead of searching and investigating how I can break my own limitations.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that I can’t break my own limitations at once but I have to walk my process step by step, breath by breath, within and as breath and do not allow myself to spent time in mind.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 30 : I harmed my body

                Today I over trained my body, as I was in gym and trained with lifts which I am capable of, but at the very end of training, where my body was exhausted, I practiced box with kicks, just mixture of them, and as I became so tired and exhausted thus the frequency of punches and kicks I performed with the most effort and highest frequency, as I wanted finish and thus make something like “ dot “ after training.

                At the end of training, I ignored my body and signals that it is enough, I ignored my breath and I just became the kicking and punching machine, I came out of breath, and pains in my body and pains after training during breathing emerged, quite strong for several minutes.

                I realized, what I did as I didn’t moved with my breath, I forgot my breath, I forgot myself at the end of training, I stop listen my body, I gave my power to my mind at the end of training and I just became “ hero “ for a moment. Lol.  

                Here I sit with the pains in my body, in bones, spine, muscles, and I see, how as the mind, I can only harm the flesh, and not express myself, mind is never expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not listen to my body.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to forget my breath during practicing punches and kicks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to gave power to my mind to direct me into performing punches and kicks as the mind as energy as want to became the hero and winner just for a while where I accepted and allowed myself to be directed by competition drive where I tried to compete with myself and not express myself with my body as one thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to harm my body through allowance and acceptance of movements of my body as my hands and legs as competition thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to gave power to my mind to move as the mind and not be here with my breath as breath as one with my body and express myself as punches and kicks.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 26 : I am one moment far away from explosion

                Today, from morning in certain manner everything started cool, moment by moment I enjoyed my day, my work, the simplicity of pushing myself through my resistances and thus working on everything what was scheduled today, just breathing, working, enjoying the moments.

                After lunch, I received message that the police blocked my car, without any reason, as my car parks the same way as others, simply fascist police in my country are abusing the power they have each way possible and thus getting money from citizens for their bosses, as in my country the wild west is possibly weak word, simply, in Slovakia, the laws has been raped and fucked every way possible by those in power to maintain their power.

                The fact that police took away my driving license for a year for no reason and for their mistake, I was able to took as fact and do not connect anything to that, as I saw that I can do nothing about that as the files has been already destroyed and thus I have nothing “ against “ police.

                But here, I am on moment far from blowing up, I see that if I will allow anger to ignite within me thus that anger would raise maybe infinitely, I see that if I will allow it the rage would be just far away from that immense anger which could possibly explode within me.

                But I am calm. As I am still one moment far away. What I will allow next moment? Just one moment, can completely determine and change the life completely. One single moment, this is quite fascinating, how much can be changed in one moment.

                I breathe. I see how destructive anger is. I breathe, I breathe.

Thanks, Juraj