Day 88 : Relationships – Voice in the head – Thoughts as master deceiver.

                I realized, that over time, very silent, very slight voice, speaks. Within me, to me. In head, as thoughts, thoughts as silent killers of myself. It seems, that those thoughts are valid, as they occur occasionally, the voice, as self talk, as back chat, seems to be valid, seems to have some form of understanding.

                It is not so.

                I realized, that I allowed to myself to hear this silent thoughts, mostly those which reflected my likeness, or those which seems to be aligned with me, me as walking my process.

                I deceived myself with such allowances.

                I realized that this silent voice, I created as to be my guide, as I thought that I need some guidance within me to tell me what to follow. But, in this is simplicity. If I allow to myself to follow, thus I am the follower and thus within this I am just a sheep.

                And what is this slow, silent voice, reflecting about myself? That I like to be deceived? That I allow to myself to be deceived? That I do not have the guts to stand up and simply say no, I do not allow this? Is this because I followed my mind almost whole my life and thus I can’t realize what it is, simply be silent each moment I am?

                The silence, the silence is simply silence, and in this, I see my deception. Because, again, simplicity of silence is, that silence simply is. Thus nothing else just this silence is present within me, and thus it means anything which I allow to move myself, do not matter how valid it looks, do not matter how “beautiful” this break of silence looks, it is my self deception.

                But is silent voice silence? No. It is just silent self deception. It is hidden self deception. It is self deception as master degree of deceptions. Because, it seems, it looks, I am that voice, silently speaking within me. It is not so.

                This fall into self deception of voice in me, I allowed as moments when I fall to mind, when I lost me as breath, even do not matter how much I am with my breath, if I allow to myself to fall into a mind and participate on whatever mind shows me. I see what is of the mind, and can’t deny I started to use my mind as guidance, as I thought that I need some, but within this, I allowed the brilliant system of deception to guide me.

                Whole my life, I lived in deception of me, and after all, I simply allowed to myself to gave permission to genuine mechanics of enslavement to direct me within some points.

                The absolute. This word, when I speak, when I write, when I say to stand up absolute. It is like deep, very deep sorrow, even almost never noticed, almost. It is like crying, it is like praying, it is like looking upon everywhere and try to search and seek anything I could stand up within me, to stand up absolute.

                But this word, what does this really means? Why when I speak this word, in context of standing up for myself, for standing up and simply do not allow to myself to be deceived by my mind, why the sorrow of me resonate within me and tears are coming to my eyes?

                Why?

                I deceived myself with the point of wanting to search for something outside of me I would eventually stand up for, and within this, I denied myself, I lied to me, I forget me as I focused on external points around me, but I forgot, that it is me who is standing up, not for anything around me, not for anyone in context of searching something separate for me I would eventual stand up.

                But it is me, here, speaking as a being that I do not want this. I do not want to live in lies, I do not want to deceive myself and I do not want to be deceived.

                As I see this, it simply means, that I am the source, that I am the power who is able to stand up within and as me, for me, here.

                No one and nothing around me can do this for me, no matter where and with who I am. I am with me each moment I am, this I am each moment responsible for myself to stand up.

                I am responsible for myself to stand up with each breath in, and give up with each breath out. It is only me alone, and nothing in existence can do this for me. It is me here, it is me to remain consistent in my application, it is me to stand for me, it is me to live me, it is me to balance me, it is me to stand here.

                I wanted, the voice in me to stand up for myself, actually I allowed falling each time I participated on this voice, when I gave permission to follow words spoken.

                It is interesting, to walk the process, and to see and realize, what this really means. At the beginning, I was in constant falling, I kept consistently on falling even I had some insights and understanding. After some period, I kept falling on specific points; In those I defined myself and my world the most. Within walking my days, I realized many points and I resolved, and I transcended, and I walked them for real.

                But yes, point by point, I am far away from walking my entire mind. I am far away from transcending my mind. I am far away, because, it is just one moment.

                Everything which actually exists is this one moment. I am going to become this moment. I am going to become the only one moment which exists as me. But first, I have to die, not as a body, but me as EGO I lived for so many years, I am going to kill me, because I see and realize that this me, was and is just illusion.

                It is worth to kill the illusions I became, as within this, I became the illusion, thus illusion have to die to be able for life to be born. To born me as life, I have to kill me as mind. It is just that simple, but one moment far away.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with the silent voice within my head, to hear this voice, and from this create the perception, believe and idea that this voice is possibly me, that possibly I am this voice speaking in my head, instead of see and realize that it is always of the mind, and thus stand up for myself and do not allow to give attention to this voice.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give permission to my mind to deceive me with silent voice and silent thoughts where I created within me the believe and ideas that what if possibly I am this silent voice, instead of see and realize for myself that this is ultimate self deception of me, as I see and realize that silence is simply not presence of anything as words, voice, self talk within my head.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to follow the dimensions of my mind of silent thoughts and silent voice in believing that because this is so silent, thus possibly this could be me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave attention, participation and focus on words and voice silently speaking within my mind, instead of immediately stop and breathe, as I see and realize that within this I allowed and accepted to myself to fall into mind and thus participated on my self deception and thus creating my own self deception.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I need some guide to tell me what to do, how to do and when to do, instead of see and realize that any moment I allow my mind to direct me, thus I am just a follower and directive principle of my live, of my words and my actions.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t exist without the thoughts which silently emerge within my mind, that I can’t exist here in silence as silence as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to break the silence with acceptance and allowance of silent thoughts and silent voice within me, instead of be here, within and as reality as breath, focus on myself here, focus on my breath here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the idea of silence through silent voice and silent thoughts, instead of see and realize for myself that do not matter how much silent this voice or thoughts are, thus it is not real silence but mind talk, thus I commit to myself to do not gave attention to that what mind speaks, but investigate the points what is this saying about me and release myself from enslavement of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to deceive myself with silent thoughts and believe that this is possibly me speaking, instead of being and living here in and as one moment.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to not see and realize that I have to stand up for myself each moment I breathe in, and give up the moment with breath out as the moment ends thus I can again stand up with breath in as new moment and again give up as the moment ends.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to move in my mind through moments and by this missing myself and deceiving myself and giving up on myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that somewhere out there exist any point which can help me to stand up for myself and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to seek and search external points I could relate or enslave myself into which would possibly be my savior points I could stand up for myself, instead of see and realize for myself that this is not possible as this is my self deception and thus that I can stand up for myself only within me, as me, as equal and one with me as everything I exist as and consist of.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to focus on external reality and thus search and seek for points I could relate to, not seeing that by this I created the separation within be by searching and seeking for points I could stand up for myself, not realizing that I already know, understand, see and realize how I can stand up for myself each moment here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not able to stand up for myself absolute, that I do not know how I can stand up for myself, that I am too weak to stand up for myself, instead of see and realize that this is of the mind, and I am not the mind, as I am the source, as I am the flesh, as I am the physical here, thus I am equally able to stand up for myself no matter what.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give attention to my mind telling me that I do not know how I can direct myself, that it would be better to be directed by the mind, and through this think and believe that it will be more simple to let be directed by the mind instead of standing up for myself and direct myself here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to let my mind to direct me with silent thoughts and silent voice, as by within this I can abdicate my self responsibly and blame my mind for my falls, instead of see and realize that it is fear to be responsible for myself, as by self responsibility goes together with no allowing and accepting to be directed by anything but living as self directive principle of equality.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to still hold onto and idea of not wanting to be responsible for everything I do, speak, because within this justification, excuses and denials do not exists, thus I I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up on every justification, every denial, every excuse because if I do, thus only I will be responsible and thus I will not be able to hide behind the shits I created.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to abuse the knowledge and abuse what is her for my hiding, for my falling, for my abdication of self responsibility.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my seeing through looking of the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide behind the justification that I do not see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to be accountable.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to be trustworthy because by this, I could not deceive anymore.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to keep the privilege for abuse, manipulation, and deception, because that’s what I can do the best.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to give up on self deception, as by this I would not be deceived anymore, as I liked to be deceived by my mind and by others.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t break through self deception, and by this justify and excuse why I can fall, why I can live in deception of me, because of excuse that I am to weak which can fit perfectly on a lot of situation and thus by this I can abdicate my self responsibility.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to like to be not responsible because I created idea and believe that responsibility is bullshit, manipulation of others, and by this I created my rebellion against self responsibility as a call for my self sabotage and doom of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play the game of blind and see, when it is serving my self interest thus I am blind and when it fits my self interest thus I see.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play games on me, with me, as me, where in such games I forgot who the dice shaker is, not seeing and realizing that mind thrown dices ages ago.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to play game with my life, and by this took for granted all life and play games with all life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 25 : I can’t change it

                Today I was looking on the point of procrastination again, and I just asked myself why I am even something trying to solve later, what it is what directs me, except the negative connections I created towards the points/tasks I tend to procrastinate, and interesting thought come up – “ I can’t change it “

                I see that within the allowance and acceptance of such thought, it is impossible to change the pattern if there is such thought/believe/acceptance within me. The thought by itself is showing me, that I separated from the points I procrastinate, and thus I created within me the pattern as programmed automation not wanting to solve that what I separated from.

                I created and I allowed such pattern to live and became, thus it is again only me who can such pattern stop, remove myself from, and participate and do things the way which is required for tasks to be accomplished.

                Thus not I can’t change it, but I change myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as a point why I allow and accept to myself to procrastinate and postpone tasks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as a point why I can postpone tasks as an excuse of not taking action and do what I should do in regards of completion tasks/issues.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as a believe and limitation of myself why I cannot take action and act the way which is required when I am facing the points I should work on.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as a self definition towards the points I separated myself from as tasks/issues I should work on and create within me through this separation negative energy charge and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as a polarity play out of the mind as emotions and feeling where from that I separated myself from I created negative energy charge and thus wanting to solve that which is positive in meaning where I created positive energy charge within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as a point of separation from tasks which I should work on when I face such situation and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think the thought I can’t change it as and allowed and accepted mind polarity as positive/negative as and excuse why I can remain and live as the mind as a pattern which I created through time as a personality of postponement and thus live and repeat such pattern thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to live within and as mind pattern of negative/positive when I am facing the points/tasks I have/should work on.

I commit myself get rid of polarity play out of positive / negative emotions / feeling as and energy when I am facing the tasks I should work on and push myself to move my fingers/hands/body to successful completion of such requirements and I focus on my breath and my physical body and environment I am in.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 21 : Super EGO - I manipulated you all

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                Today morning, as I was moving from flat I was quite calm, as my days started to be like relaxing moments as I started to enjoy my process, from perspective when I started to see that I can really change and that I can change for real.

                As I moved through the town and came to the office, the thought came up within me “ I manipulated you all “, firstly I was like frightened within me, like what the fuck this thought is? Then I calm down myself, as I see here is no reason to judge it, or make from it more that what it is, just thought, I didn’t speculated about the thought by itself, but I just became curious in meaning, how even come that this thought come up, what this thought really means, and what it says about myself.

                My frightening was because of the very question, did I really manipulated all in meaning with my words, actions, writings, people here, everything I know and perceive, it was just my manipulation?

                To this thought was like connected to sense of to be more, but then I realized, how the mind with the thoughts is amazingly tricky and how fast I can go into a great shit creation within me.

                I applied SF on the thought by itself, and then I realized, how the very allowance and acceptance of thought is creating whole new complex scenario within oneself, starting with more/less play out, sense and perception, additional thought which can be connected to this, judgments, needs, desires, simply like whole new persona/character creation just of allowance of just one single thought.

                As I looked on this thought, I saw how this is based on nothing, as there is no evidence in my life that I could really manipulated all beings, or that everything I said was just for sake of manipulation of everything what I wrote, or even that realization could be manipulation. No. Thus I searched within me if I will find anything relevant to this, it was like to scan within me what I said, starting points of my actions, my writing, what I wrote, why I wrote, with whom I was with, why I was with that persona, what I spoke about, what directed me or if I directed the conversations, when and how I allowed the energy to direct me, my dishonesties, and I found nothing and I start to laugh on myself and I start to enjoy my day.

                Thus the very thought: “ I manipulated you all “ – connected sense to be more than others but seeing that it is not real.

                Why sense to be more? Coming from like unconscious comparison with others which see “ less and realize “ less. Why comparing with those who see and realize less? Te be able to create the point of to be more. Why not comparing with those who see and realize more? Because I do not see and realize what they see and realize thus like not able to compare. Also the point not able to compare what it means to see and realize all and everything within moment here as I see that I am bit far from that point.

                Why want to create the point of to be more? To charge and recreate the ego, better said the super ego of me, where the abilities would be abused and used just for sake of charging the ego and getting the energy and making more and more from myself and create the perception of others to be less and not worthy.

                Why to recreate the ego as super ego of me? To have “ option “ and ability to destroy, demolish, diminish, and eventually lead myself to complete fall of myself in all aspect of me and turn to complete dishonesty, separation, where the statement: Fuck you fucking fuckers would be the motto of my life.

                As I looked on this, it is quite interesting, where and how can one simple thought lead, what can one simple thought create, and what could be the outcome of allowance such thought and of course, consequences of one’s living based on thoughts.

                Let’s stop each thought, it create really nice fuck-ups.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of comparison with those who see and realize less than me to get the valid platform for creation the point of to be more than others and perceive myself more than them and be able to see them less and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of recreation of my super ego where I would use my abilities, realizations, understanding and seeing as a point of abuse, dishonesty, separation, and making from myself more than others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a very desire to want to be more than others and thus can feel better about me and not have to look within me at my own dishonesties.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point for creation of better feeling about myself and creating the sense of to be more than others as a reason and validation why I can remain fucked within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of separation from everyone and everything where all are seen as less than me and thus charge my super ego with energy and thus creating and getting energy for myself from this allowance and acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of to me more than others and perceived as winner in competition where winner gets all and looser loose all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point for validation of polarity as more than/less than and want and desire to be in the side of to be more than.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of perception of myself that because I am able to be more effective within my living thus I have to be more than those who struggle in their lives and have miserable lives.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a comparison with others and wanting to see myself as more than them and through this giving my mind the power to compare.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of existing comparison within me as a secret competition within others to be a winner and to be a more than them.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of validation of my ego that I am so good manipulator that I am capable to manipulate all, instead of realizing that this is just illusion of my mind and not real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think “ I manipulated you all “ as a point of wanting to validate my ability to manipulate and thus wanting to create the perception of being one who can be able to manipulate all.

I commit myself to stop all manipulation.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 13 : Silence

                Mind likes to go rampant, mind likes tons of thoughts, projections, ideas, believes. Mind likes it as from this mind generates energy to sustain itself, to still have power and to still direct. Mind needs energy.

                Mind likes to show weaknesses and very likely use it for ones fall, but this can be used in process of one to stand up and to see why one fall, it is like opportunity to see it and thus direct and clear oneself in the point one fall.

                I liked to follow the mind in the journey’s which mind showed me, I liked to participate on speculations, how maybe possibly things are, how this or that possibly can work, what is that or this, it is actually funny as all of that are just explanations of mind and interpretations of reality within and without, and interestingly anyway through mind one will never understand reality, as mind is from reality disconnected.

                I used to fight with my mind, and after all I realized that fuck mind is supporting me when and why I am fucked, thus I started to use everything within my mind as opportunities to clear myself, to forgive myself and let it go, as day by day I realize and see how the mind is a trap, trap for life to do not live.

                I can’t fight with that what I have became, as I become the mind but that do not means that who I really am is mind. Not at all.

                The more I silence my mind, the more I stop the thoughts and release myself from energetic charges and connections and relationships I created towards my mind, the more I stop separation within me and the judgments of myself, interestingly, life became more and more simple and clear.

                I realize, that real silence will took place within me in the very moment last thought and last energy connection I’ll release, and what will remain is me in silence of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to try to fight with my mind and thus try to fight with myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to step out from silence of me into a mind and hear the thoughts mind speaks.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that who I really am is silence of me where no words of the mind are here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that to be here is in the physical as physical as that what is here at moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that to be here is to be with physical in silence of me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to to step into a mind and participate in mind on the past and future and now, instead of realizing that mind is never here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to trust to my mind as explanations and believes and ideas about physical reality, instead of realizing that all of that are just information and knowledge I learn during my lifetime and thru this very acceptance of information about reality I separate myself from reality and from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to deceive myself with explanations and ideas about myself and about reality and thus separate myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that real silence is presence of me here within and as reality as who I really am without any thoughts within my mind/head.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to do not see and realize that any word I hear in my head is my mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear the silence of me and to fear how I direct myself when I am silence of me as who I really am.

I commit myself to investigate each thought, each word mind speaks within me and forgive those thought and words and remain silent as silence as me.

Thanks, Juraj