Day 172 : Let go the past – Let go the knowledge

                I found, hard and difficult, for me to step beyond this point and embrace this point as me, as it which I separated from, as it point, not me as self.

                I see what I do not see and what I deny as me, this is difficult to see.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 160 : The origin

Recently I realized on specific fear which I was not able comprehend when I was young, energy movement within me, not understood, not seen, not solved. The fear towards the money, fear as energy within and as me, fear as experience within me as how I got those money, judgment of such act, judgment of me, and hiding me  and hiding money, thinking and believing that I can’t reveal that I have those, how I get those, and obviously fear as consequences of me being truthful, and punished.

               

                In this, the energy I experienced has been suppressed, forgotten, and me separating from such energy, in absolute blindness what this few moments in my life, will bring me to the future. I was 8 or 9 years old boy, and the journey of my life, directions, actions, has been written already, by this fear, and it was just one of many.

                The moment I realized the origin of this fear, I became sad and the sadness is me. Sadness because of where this fear led me, sadness because I was not able to see that, because I separated myself form such energy, and once I became one with this fear, I saw far back to my past within few moments, I saw me experiencing this fear as young boy , and points written above. What I created, what I accepted that moments, changed my life and lead myself where I do not wanted to be. Sadness as a realization of such events which took place, and the seeing how everything could be different entirely once I would be able to understand such fear that time, to see , realize and comprehend what it is within me, what and why this movement happened, what it means, and what could be possible consequences. Even I had no understanding that time that consequences will be really rough. It was impossible.

                Within this, I looked back and how everything could be, if I would get real support of those around me, but each one was blind and deaf the same way I was. It was impossible to be supported, it was impossible to assist me, support me, as everything around me served only one point, to brainwash me, to blind me, to deceive me, and mostly that what I experienced and separated myself from.

                The origin of fall is separation, and the separation if fear. I never lived anything else, just this two points, separation from everything in existence in fear of myself. I separated from energy movements I experienced as a young boy, and I suppressed them even I do not notice I am doing so. I had no idea what I am doing, why I am doing and what are mechanics to do so. And those points, became covered with so much bullshits around, that many times I tried to see what it is, I was not able. Interestingly, because I realized, that separation is the problem of solving such energies within me, and each moment I was able to became equal with accumulated energy within me, and it was always fear, I was able to see clearly and directly all relevant points how, when and why I created such energy experiences within me.

                Those cleverly suppressed, I was bullying myself around and desperately trying to solve, but with no success and each time with bigger and bigger fall. The mechanics of dimensions interconnected within my mind, and the points and how each one has relevance to each other, and this interconnectedness of this points with such energies, many times makes me believe that it is impossible to solve it and became truly free from such deception of me I became.

                Each moment, each reaction, each thought, each energy and my self definition, served me well to be deceived, and I took it all, and I was so young.

                How could I see and realize, what the road of my life will be, as I lived in absolute blindness of that what is going within me. I even do not understood that I am able to see into me, as I thought that I have to look outside.

                And yet, I became a bit angry and I am angry of all parents within this existence, you have no idea which road you are creation in front of your children, you are absolute blind what you are saying to your children, what you words will create, and how you will kill everything of innocence of your child, just for your fucking ego. I became angry of all being within this existence which dare to bring children here, without real knowledge, without seeing and understanding what it means to support children, and I became angry as you dare to say you love your children, but you are fucking liars as only what you love is your fucking ego and your own fucking bubble made up of believes and ideas but anything real? No.

                And you dear parents, you have no idea what your children will have go through and what your children will became slave into, and you dear parents are directly responsible for everything your children is and will became. There is maybe zero probability that any of parent will see and realize that what you are in fact doing, is enslaving your children, killing and destroying everything your children as innocence of life is, because you are already dead and thus you want to kill the life, free life in front of you, because you believe, you are doing that for goodness of your child, but actually, you are just fucking ego maniacs, with no common sense, with no compassion, with no understanding, just thinking the ideas and believing what you are doing is good. And you will defend your right to abuse your children, to lie to your children, to manipulate your children, and you will protect this because you thing that this children belongs to you and thus you must to have right to make slave as you are just a slave lost in dogmas and believes about yourself, and yet, you even maybe to be proud of, that what will you children became, is actually dead zombie seeking and searching just for energy as you are.

                Yes, this is the circle of parenting and children’s in this world, and no children gets real support for life, and this is sad as the most way sad could be.

                I came through this, and there is no child in this world, which deserve your bullshits to bullied, there is no child which deserve you dogmas and you torture with your judgments, orders and requirements, no, no one.

                The separation I became living, is always based on fear, even separation from the fear, me as the mind, me as the breath, me as the body, I will bring back together everything of me I am into quality and oneness of me. I bring myself back to equality and oneness of me, and that is the road of my life I choose for me. No one will stop me, even me not.

                I choose for me to live me without fear, without fear of me.

Thanks, Juraj 

Day 99 : Embrace the darkness – Embrace evil as life to live

                The truth of me in darkness of me as darkness of me is evil and this evil has been hidden in front of me, yet many times this evil I had right in front of my eyes and I do not realized it is me and the evil of me I am looking on.

                I was not able to see this evil what I am when I looked through the eyes and through the light, as light provided me the illusion of separation and thus believe I am not seeing myself.

                But I can’t deny what I see in me, as me when I see into me, the truth of me I wanted to not see and there was a moments I could realize what was part of me but I denied. But I can’t now and I can’t anymore here.

                Many years ago, I faced the point I stood up within and as me and I changed my life completely, within one decision, within one moment, I decided to stood up, where only me was present, and where only I faced the point I accepted and allowed, and I stood and I stopped myself. I was aware that within this decision I changed everything, yet I was not able to see consequences, I see those consequences here and only thanks to my standing up I am here and only thanks to that decision I am now writing here, because of me able to stand up.

                Thus I realized, that I am able to stand up each point of evil which is part of me, as the first time I did was 13 years ago. And this evil of me, the brutality, bestiality, violence and misery showed me the relationship I created within me, to me, towards me, as me. Hidden in darkness of me, the possessions and demons waiting how and where could take over of me and thus me waiting how I could generate sufficient energy for myself, by the acts I described above. I was surprised and also not surprised when I saw this points in me, because I was aware many years something like this is the part of me, but I never did anymore, as within my standing I decided to simply stand that point and I stood till here.

                There was a point of me wanting to bound myself to myself, to enslave myself, by the hands and the legs, to show and reveal that only to me I will belong, but this showed me how I separated myself from myself and thus how I deluded myself. And I did because of light and looking through the light because I wanted to see me in and through the light, I deceived myself, as to see in darkness of me I do not require the light as the darkness is what and who I am.

                Thus I see and realize what I accepted and allowed to myself to exist as towards myself, and thus I simply decided to stand up. That’s all.

                The first time I stood up, the very first time I decided to stop, I realized that by this I gave myself the life and that I allowed myself to live here, thus this implies, that every point I am able to stand up and stand eternally, thus by this I am giving myself the life equally eternal.

                This simply means, that by standing the points for myself and as myself as all, that by ability to take each point and stand up for this point, which I proved myself I am able to, that by taking everything which is required to stand up for, thus by this I will give myself the eternal life.

                By seeing the evil of me, and standing up from this evil and do not accept and allow this evil anymore, means simply give life and start to live.

                See the evil you are, and live.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think, believe and define seeing as looking through the light and see the light and see myself through the light, instead of see and realize that mind looks as information and knowledge but I do not need and require light or information or knowledge to see myself, to see into me as who I am, what I became and why I exist the way I exist.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that to see me I require light, instead of see and realize what and who I am as darkness of me as evil I became.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide myself in the light in believe that by the light I will be invisible and thus I will not have to see into me, instead of realize that the light will cease to exist and thus I will have to see me, into me, what I have became.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hide the evil of me in the light as the light provide me the ability to create the false façade of me, the false picture of me, in believe that what is as the dark of me will not bee seen.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself define the light as good and dark as bad and thus exist in and as polarity of the mind as light and dark and thus move myself between light and dark within the hope and believe that light will gave me the ability to cover the evil of me I exist as dark.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself fear to see into me directly as darkness of me as who I am and what I became and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that be fearing to see the darkness of me as me I will not have to face me and see into me as using fear as protecting mechanism in front of myself to not see me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from myself and thus want and desire to enslave myself by the hands and by the ankles of legs to make myself belong only to me, not seeing and realizing that I am already here as all as me as wherever I am thus I am, thus I do not desire to enslave me anymore, to bound me or trap myself as I am here.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to let myself die as separation myself form myself because of wanting and desiring myself to enslave me and trap me into a bondage.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear my own evil and to fear to see the evil as life of me, what I became and why.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the relationship towards me as violence, bestiality and enslavement of myself into traps of the mind as energy experiences I generated for myself because of believe that this energy experiences are real experiences of me, thus  living in and as believe that I need this energy for myself and that I require this energy and thus accept and allow to manipulate me, abuse me, desire to enslave me, to make friction as good and bad and by this generate energy for myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to look on violence towards me and think and believe that this is good because it provides me the energy I wanted for myself, and thus live in the enslavement of me as separation of myself through violence of me as living zombie for energy.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fear to embrace the evil as evilness of me as darkness of me because of judgment of myself as bad, instead of see and realize that I existed always as darkness of me thus I embrace myself as darkness of me and I accept and allow myself to see everything I exist and consist of as darkness of evil as me as I do not fear to see me anymore and I do not allow myself to judge myself for what who I became, as I see and realize that judgment and fear of myself blind me and do not allow me to live thus I stop the fear of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship towards me as polarity as good/bad and superior/inferior and nice/ugly not seeing that all of this are my own made up illusions of the mind of myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I cannot stand up each single point for myself alone and as all and stand up for myself as life and live because of believe that I am too weak and unable to stand up, instead of see and realize that I proved to myself that I am able to stand up within and as me, for myself alone and thus for all and thus do not allow to blind myself anymore.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see myself as a separated from myself and thus from all, instead of realize that I made up this illusion of separation in and as my mind and thus fall into a believe that I am separated from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself through the light into a believe that I need to see me, that I desire to see me, that I want to see me, that I have to look for me and search what and who I am, instead of realize and see that I am already here as I always was as existence of physical, as breath of life, as darkness of me in silence of me as who I am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into a believe that what I see through my eyes as reflection of light is not me and thus start to desire to be with me and see me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to enslave myself because of my fear and separation from myself and thus fear that I will be not with myself any more.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the enslavement of myself as a fear of not being with me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the enslavement of me as desire to have power over me, instead of realize and see that I am the power of me as breath of life, that I am the real power of myself as existence as physical, that I am real direction of me thus I do not require to have power, as I am the power.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the enslavement as starting point of wanting and desiring to be the one, to be the one in charge and in power because I separated myself from myself, not realize and see that I wanted and desired to be that what I already am, as one as all here, and that I wanted to direct myself through illusion of power over me because I separated from myself, instead of direct myself as one as all as who I really am.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the enslavement as desire to bound myself to myself to be with myself forever, not seeing and realizing that I did because I separated myself from myself and thus trapped myself that I have to somehow bound myself back to me, instead of stand up for myself as one as all as who I really am here, as existence of life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the enslavement as a separation from myself as a starting point of wanting to be a dictator, not seeing that I wanted and desired to dictate to myself what and who I am, what and how I should live, instead of live me, express me and voice me as a living being as a living word.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the enslavement of me as a punishment of myself for the not getting to myself what I desired and want, not realize and see for myself that by this I wanted to punish myself for that what I refused to give to myself because I separated from myself.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself create the punishment of myself and enslavement of myself because of wanting and desiring to get attention, acceptance, freedom, respect and dignity from myself, not realizing and seeing that I wanted and desired this because I separated myself form myself and thus I was unable to give myself and accept myself, instead of realize that by this I was unable to give myself the attention, acceptance, freedom respect and dignity because I separated myself from myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 81 : Relationships – Love as energy

                 In my life, when I dated with a girl, and participated on thoughts in my mind, and thought that I miss here, and that I would like to be with her, and start to desire to be with a girl, I was not aware that I was fallen in and as mind design of love, where all my actions, words and behavior was submitted for this feeling, as energy requirement of love.

                I was not aware, that this all is my self deception towards other human being, I was not aware that I deluded myself, and through this delusion I abused myself and thus equally abused the girl I dated with.

                Within this, I stood as a EGO, as male definition of me, who I should be, what I should require, and how I should speak or what I should speak, to get this energy and thus sustain my enslavement in my mind, and thus provide to my mind that what mind wants always the most, energy.

                Love, is never about energy, real love, is never about feeling, real love is never about demand, requirement, desire, want, need of self interest.

                Real love, is equality.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I need to be loved by someone as female and thus require, search and need this love and perception that some one loves me, instead of see and realize that this is just my own perception, definition, illusion and deception of myself about the word love, and what this love as energy experience should be and how I should experience this love, instead of see and realize for myself that love as energy movement or feeling towards any being is simply of the mind, simply my own self delusion, where I separated myself from this being I experience the love, thus I stop, I see and realize that love as real love as expression of me is equality of me with me, as me as all within and as existence.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to comprehend and understand what is love through the mind, to try to understand love as definition as energy experience within me towards other being as female, and thus create within me the ideas and believes about love, and what I should experience and how I should experience this love, instead of see and realize that love as energy feeling and experience is always of the mind and always of the ideas, believes, perceptions, definitions, memories, information, knowledge where through this information I got of this world I tried to comprehend what love is, and thus shape, mold and define myself according this information, pictures I saw and read around me within my word.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to follow the design of love in my mind, as system where the only purpose is trap me into illusion, to allow my self deception through thoughts and energy experiences towards other being, where I separated myself from this being and thus think and believe that I need to be with this being again back to be back with me, instead of see and realize that I am always within me, that I am always here as my body, as flesh, and that only when I am in the mind I am not with me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to utilize my pre programmed life experiences as memories of the mind to define myself accordingly, and thus shape my voice, my mannerism, my words, my expression accordingly and thus define myself and trap myself into and as mind design of memories and information and knowledge of this world, instead of stop, breathe and simply be here , in reality where my body is always, and see and realize that I accepted and allowed to myself to live according my own memories stored within my body, as pre programmed life experiences, thus I stop, I breath and I commit myself to remain here, with and as my body, where my body as physical is, and thus solve that what I here, that what is real, and express myself here, live myself here and release myself from all memories I got through my life.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to trap myself into and as memories of my past experiences as relationships between pictures I saw through my physical eyes and energy experiences connected and related to this pictures and thus define myself and my behavior according this pictures I stored within my body, instead of see and realize that in this, I accepted to myself to trap myself in the past as self definition towards pictures I separated myself from, thus I commit myself to release myself from each picture definition I saw, accepted to relate to it, accepted to define myself towards through separation myself from this pictures I saw.

Thanks, Juraj