Day 158 : Regret as me

                There were many situations in my life I regretted, many words spoken, many actions taken, many decisions made. And I became the regret of me, the regret of my life and decisions I made. But what is this regret, what led me to see me, live me as regret of me and my decisions?

                Who decide and why I even should regret anything I have done or said, even it can looks really as disaster of my life? What that what can’t be changed in anyway should be regretted, or even is the regret valid? It may looks that way but it isn’t.

                The choice is a problem from perspective where the choice lead me, what are the points I see by I am making a choice, and is this choice free? Free choice. How lovely this words can sound, but very rarely the choice is free, is everything is submitted into and as enslavement of the system I live in.

                I am even not sure if I made sometimes free choice, without any movement within me, without any desire, fear of worry, without resist or need or want. I would say yes for several situations I changed heading of my life significantly and by this change I changed everything of my life and how, what my life will be. But, I would not put my life on this as certainty that this was free choice.

                How much components is taking place when I face the moment to make a decisions, and how much times I saw something within me as my mind and I made the choice as opposite of that mind said, show or what back chat was about.

                To make a choice as follower of the mind is never free choice and even it is a not choice as it is already done and placed within mind as result of events of the past. Maybe there was one event I decided within me to stood up and thus I changed everything, and I doubt a bit about several others moment. But whatever, in the world of lies and deception, where I became this lie and the deception of me as living in and as mind, as system which is never real, never will be and never was, I see is quite interesting to start making decisions because of me and not because of others.

                I was led all my life to submit to others and thus make this decision because of them, and I never considered myself , and thus I was not making decisions because of me.

                Many times I thought that decisions I’ve done was self-honest, but it was not. As one point came up and I let o and released myself from such point, and I made decision, another came up and thus I saw and realized that my decision was not self honest as all.

                This is interesting anyway, as I see that all decisions has been set up and placed and based on mind components, except really few, the question is how to make decisions without any mind influences, and maybe the right questions would be, am I even able to be and make decisions without any mind influences within and as me, if I became the mind? It seems not.

                I realized that I am not able to make decision without mind influences as I simply became the mind, I am just able to see within me the thoughts, yes if thoughts are present, sometimes I am like not able to think and all my attention goes into and as my breath. But this even can be mind fuck up thus time will show.

                I realized that after days of peace of me in silence within me, days of thunder and bullshits are coming and thus I have to deal with it. Precisely said, dealing with me and what is as part of me. And last days, weeks, lots of regret, shame and guilt came up within and as me. Lot of pain and sorrow, seeing my life, seeing me and decisions I made and why.

                But the regret and sorrow and quilt and shame will not lead me anywhere, thus everything and all of this is useless as everything mind consists of. All regret is useless and all sorrow is useless and all shame and all guilt and all pain, is for nothing and leading one to nowhere.

                And I see, once I breathe thus no regret and no pain and no shame and no guilt is here with me, just me breathing and I experience myself as peace and silence within me, and again I can’t be so sure that this is real simply because I am just moving myself out of the shit mind is as me, and once I go into anything of my mind thus everything is just coming back within moments what I decide within the mind participate on. And always, how stupid it is and this is the decision.

                This is interesting decision one can practice day by day, to breathe and stop the mind, moment by moment, and thus see and realize what is going on within one life, as mind, of simply participate moment by moment on really useless bullshit mind simply is.

                Nothing of the mind is worthy of attention, as it will be never real, nothing of mind will never became real, as simply it is impossible. The projection within mind, just projection, just illusion. Just deception of self. Desire? The same. Worry? The same. Fear? Exactly the same as previous. And what about the guilt? And who even created guilt? Again just self because of judgments? And those judgment? Just made up illusions again because of others.

                Everything and anything of the mind – is simply a lie.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 119 : I am male EGO – Woman can’t pay for me

                Several times, I experienced within moments when woman paid for myself in the restaurant, or at coffee bar, nervousness, the perception that I am a male and I should not allow woman to pay came almost always to my mind.

                I felt always uncomfortable, and I had problems to accept the point that woman paid, as the perception, believe and idea that I as a male should show woman that I have money, that I am able to pay, that I must pay for woman, especially for the one I would like to be with, date with, be in relationship with.

                If I had money to pay, I always wanted to be the one who pay, and show that I can, and if woman wanted to pay I felt bad about myself, as perception that I can’t accept that, that I am the one who have to pay, as believe that me as male should always be the one who show money, thus my self definitions and my self brainwashing within and as money and woman became clear.

                Or that I as a male, when became short of money, that it is unacceptable to speak true that I have no money in front of woman, or that I am less if I am short of money, or that the way how woman will look on me will change if I will say true that I have no money.

                The brainwashing of myself, in front of woman, and different attitude to those which I would like to be with, almost ruined me from certain perspective, and finally I had to come out with true, that I am without money. After this, the perception, believe come up, that me as a male is less than, if I run out of money, because if I would take responsibility for myself thus this would never happen.

                What this showed me, is quite interesting, also the perception and idea that thus I came out of money, thus I have no “right” to ask a woman to be with me, because if I am without money, thus I am not worthy, or that she do not want to be with me, as how she could if I am not with money.

                The perception, idea and believe that girls look on money and scan a male through a money as potential partner became part of me, as this I saw uncountable many times. As per saying – No money – no love. And by paradox, I do not wanted to buy love of the woman, but show myself in a light of a male with money, even when I was short of and I really couldn’t afford to pay anything, I was dishonest with me many times and rather paid that what I couldn’t afford, just to do not have to say I can’t.

                The brainwashing of myself, when woman supported me with money, and the experience that I am less than, unworthy or not interesting came up, and idea, believe, perception and guessing how she perceive myself now, if I placed myself into such situation.

                My self definitions as a male, towards the money and a woman, became quite simple, as perception that I have always show that I have money, even when I was in bad situation, by paradox I went to that bad situation just because I was dishonest with myself, and spent money the way I couldn’t afford.

                And everything what was just required, was just my own self honesty, within many different situations in front of women.

                It is so simple, just be self honest. That’s all.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to show woman that I have money and that through this I will be interesting for her, that I have to always pay and that I have to act the way to do not show that I am short of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say to woman that I am short of money, that I will not be interesting for the and that she would like not want to be with me, speak with me, be in my presence.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t accept that woman will pay for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I will say that I do not have money, that I am unworthy in the eyes of woman.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself through money as a male as a male EGO where I thought and believe that me as male have to show that I am able to get money for everything what is necessary and if not thus I am less than others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to compare myself with other males and the amount of money I have and they and through this see myself and compare and define myself as less than if I compared myself with those ones which have more money than me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be in relationship with girl only when I will show her that I have money and that she will accept me only if I will show that I have money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept myself as human being but instead define myself and my life through money I have or I do not have.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define relationship between male and female through money and that I as a male have to make sure money are maintained.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am not such good as others if I do not have money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to feel bad about myself and experience myself in resistance, rejection and resistance when woman paid for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to feel negative energy as self definition of not being good enough if female supported me with money, paid for myself or bought something for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not accept the equality within using of money between male and female.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to act in front of myself in self dishonesty in using of money in front of woman I was interested in for possible relationship.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to be dishonest with me in using of money, and do not consider practical point with using of money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that self dishonesty with using of money is ok.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from money and do not accept money just as a tool within the system for practical points, how I can support myself and others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge myself as being bad or unworthy if I ran out of money, instead of see and realize that everything what was required for myself was just be self honest within and as me with using of money, no matter what moment, point, or person I am facing.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that girls always scan male through amount of money male have and thus through this decide about male as possible partner or not.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to judge women as those ones which looks on male only through money, instead of see and realize that it was me who was looking on myself through money.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see my through money and amount of money I have or do not have, and within this participate in mind design of more than and less than and follow the mind design of superiority and inferiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to fuck up myself with money and define myself just because of papers with colors on and through coins, instead of see practicality of money within system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I have no money thus I have no right to want to be with woman in relationship, or to be in presence of woman, because of self judgment of not being good enough or not being worthy.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not take responsibility for myself and for money I earn ,get, and act with money in self dishonest way and thus create for myself and others consequences which could be easily stopped, instead of see and realize that I can’t put my life into emergency or life of others because of not wanting take self responsibility for money, that I have accept myself as myself and use it the way to support myself and others.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create not necessary consequences with using of money in self dishonest way, because of not wanting take self responsibility and see and realize what money really is within system.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see life through money, define life through money and thus enslave life into and as illusion of money.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 83 : Relationships - Me as knowledge EGO

                I know, I know, I know. This is me because I know. I get the information of this world, from this world, and I defined myself accordingly, I shaped myself to this knowledge, of this knowledge, and I became the EGO as knowledge, because I know.

                You can’t be cleverer because I know. You can’t be wiser because I know. You are blind and you are deaf. You can’t see and understand a shit, as you are not even aware everything you are is just illusion.

                You’re not real, you do not exist, and everything you exist as, and consist of, is just memory, knowledge, shaped, molded, be me, by information as formations I created within and as you, and you are not even aware how this formations are created, you do not see how I use you and abuse you by this words you red, heard, saw.

                You do not realize, that who you are, are just connections between this words, but you are not real. You can’t be. Me, as your mind, I am not real neither. I influenced you to such degree, that you even do not see you are under my control and my command.

                I directed you all your life, do you see it? I commanded you, and all your falls in your life are because of me. Because you believed that what I showed you, what I thought to you, is you. It was not.

                When you experienced yourself? How you experienced yourself? You see, those moments you can count easily, everything else, is me, the program which runs within you, the program you absorbed to your body, even the way how you move, is programmed.

                You allowed me to do this with you, it was you who gave me the highest permission in your life, to direct you and use your power, your life source, your essence, your beingness to empower me.

                It was you who brought me to your life, it was you, only you. And you and me, we are the one, deal with that.

                What you will do with that?

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself, shape and mold according knowledge I absorbed into my body, to separate myself from this knowledge and thus create relationships of this knowledge and thus became the EGO as self definition towards and as information and knowledge I was able to absorb into me, and thus move, speak, and express myself according formations of words, as connections and relationships within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to gave importance to the knowledge of this world and from this world, and thus define myself as EGO, as energy moving within and as me according knowledge I got, and thus shape myself and define myself as more than those who know less, and compare myself with those who know less, to be able to create from myself the more than who I really am, in perception and idea that I need, require and want to be more, that I have to be more than those who know less, instead of see and realize that everything I became is just knowledge and information of this world I absorbed into me, and thus create within me the connections, relationships, and store within and as me as memories of my past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that knowledge is that what gives my power, security and ability to live on this planet, instead of see and realize that in fact I became the slave of this knowledge and enslaved to this knowledge as I accepted to myself to be directed by this knowledge.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that more knowledge I absorb thus I am more than others, who do not know a shit, instead of see and realize that this is my self deception and self imprisonment as self definition and self limitation to this knowledge as formations created within and as me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and the way of my expression, the way of my speech, my voice tonalities, my movements, my living according knowledge and information I got of and from this world, instead of see and realize that mind knows, but self as who I really am see, thus I do not need to know anything, as I see.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to impose on others my knowledge and information as secret attempt to take them down, to show them how stupid they are, to reveal that they do not know a shit and do not understand a shit, as an attempt to make from myself more, not seeing and realizing that within this I became the slave of the mind, the slave of information I got of this world, and that within this I participated on superiority / inferiority design, and thus support the system of abuse, manipulation and self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to try to make from myself more through information and knowledge splashed on others as an attempt of EGO to win, to show and reveal others that they are losers because they do not know a shit and realize a shit, instead of see myself within this, and see that I participated on polarity game as winner / loser and thus tried to make from myself the one who win, and from others those who lose, as attempt to be the one who get the most energy through winning and those who lose thus they lose they energy, they confidence, they self value.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to tried to value myself through information and knowledge of this world, instead of value myself as life, as equality as life, as breath here, within each breath I take, within each moment I am here, and thus be great full to me and to others

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself through information and knowledge I got of this world, and try to look on things, instead of see clearly and directly what is really here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forgot to see me, because I got power to my mind to direct me because of knowledge I got from this world, instead of be here within and as each breath of life here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to use knowledge secretly as manipulation to maintain my balance and thus show others that they can’t drop me down.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can be dropped down by others, instead of see and realize that this is because of separation and fear of myself, thus I am here, I stand here, I walk here, I live here, where my body is I am.

Thanks, Juraj