Day 158 : Regret as me

                There were many situations in my life I regretted, many words spoken, many actions taken, many decisions made. And I became the regret of me, the regret of my life and decisions I made. But what is this regret, what led me to see me, live me as regret of me and my decisions?

                Who decide and why I even should regret anything I have done or said, even it can looks really as disaster of my life? What that what can’t be changed in anyway should be regretted, or even is the regret valid? It may looks that way but it isn’t.

                The choice is a problem from perspective where the choice lead me, what are the points I see by I am making a choice, and is this choice free? Free choice. How lovely this words can sound, but very rarely the choice is free, is everything is submitted into and as enslavement of the system I live in.

                I am even not sure if I made sometimes free choice, without any movement within me, without any desire, fear of worry, without resist or need or want. I would say yes for several situations I changed heading of my life significantly and by this change I changed everything of my life and how, what my life will be. But, I would not put my life on this as certainty that this was free choice.

                How much components is taking place when I face the moment to make a decisions, and how much times I saw something within me as my mind and I made the choice as opposite of that mind said, show or what back chat was about.

                To make a choice as follower of the mind is never free choice and even it is a not choice as it is already done and placed within mind as result of events of the past. Maybe there was one event I decided within me to stood up and thus I changed everything, and I doubt a bit about several others moment. But whatever, in the world of lies and deception, where I became this lie and the deception of me as living in and as mind, as system which is never real, never will be and never was, I see is quite interesting to start making decisions because of me and not because of others.

                I was led all my life to submit to others and thus make this decision because of them, and I never considered myself , and thus I was not making decisions because of me.

                Many times I thought that decisions I’ve done was self-honest, but it was not. As one point came up and I let o and released myself from such point, and I made decision, another came up and thus I saw and realized that my decision was not self honest as all.

                This is interesting anyway, as I see that all decisions has been set up and placed and based on mind components, except really few, the question is how to make decisions without any mind influences, and maybe the right questions would be, am I even able to be and make decisions without any mind influences within and as me, if I became the mind? It seems not.

                I realized that I am not able to make decision without mind influences as I simply became the mind, I am just able to see within me the thoughts, yes if thoughts are present, sometimes I am like not able to think and all my attention goes into and as my breath. But this even can be mind fuck up thus time will show.

                I realized that after days of peace of me in silence within me, days of thunder and bullshits are coming and thus I have to deal with it. Precisely said, dealing with me and what is as part of me. And last days, weeks, lots of regret, shame and guilt came up within and as me. Lot of pain and sorrow, seeing my life, seeing me and decisions I made and why.

                But the regret and sorrow and quilt and shame will not lead me anywhere, thus everything and all of this is useless as everything mind consists of. All regret is useless and all sorrow is useless and all shame and all guilt and all pain, is for nothing and leading one to nowhere.

                And I see, once I breathe thus no regret and no pain and no shame and no guilt is here with me, just me breathing and I experience myself as peace and silence within me, and again I can’t be so sure that this is real simply because I am just moving myself out of the shit mind is as me, and once I go into anything of my mind thus everything is just coming back within moments what I decide within the mind participate on. And always, how stupid it is and this is the decision.

                This is interesting decision one can practice day by day, to breathe and stop the mind, moment by moment, and thus see and realize what is going on within one life, as mind, of simply participate moment by moment on really useless bullshit mind simply is.

                Nothing of the mind is worthy of attention, as it will be never real, nothing of mind will never became real, as simply it is impossible. The projection within mind, just projection, just illusion. Just deception of self. Desire? The same. Worry? The same. Fear? Exactly the same as previous. And what about the guilt? And who even created guilt? Again just self because of judgments? And those judgment? Just made up illusions again because of others.

                Everything and anything of the mind – is simply a lie.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 75 : Relationships – Mind & body

                The physical body, the flesh I live in and as and I am dependent on, came from the earth as what earth exist as and consist of and provided the resources required for my body to develop and grow and exist, and the earth provides this to each being consistently.

                Therefore, as my body is made of the earth, I must be the earth as well, but as I separated from my body thus I separated from the earth and this means, I separated myself from the life, as earth is what provides me everything what I need to exist, thus earth by itself is representation of life.

                For earth to be able to provide me the resources to live, the sun have to provide to the earth its own energy as sun rays, and within this the sun lose their own mass when eventually over some period the sun will literally die. Therefore, the life of one is death for another.

                Within this, for the sun to be able to shine, the galaxy provides to the solar system of the sun required space to realize itself and do what is the best for the sun, thus shine.

                For galaxy to be able to provide the space for the sun, the universe provides the space for galaxy to be able to maintain all mechanics within to sustain required stability.

                Therefore, the universe be itself, provides and is the space.

                But as I separated from my body, thus from the earth, and from the sun, and from the galaxy and from the universe, it means, that I forgot what it means to provide and be the space, as I forgot who I am as life as life provides the space for living.

                As I forgot my oneness with my body, I forgot that I am one with the earth, sun, galaxies and the universe by itself, where everything exist in cooperation of providing the space and therefore the life to exist.

                Within this all, it means, that life = death, therefore, the perception of life as beginning and the death as the end is illusion of the mind, illusion of so called life perceived by the mind, as mind can’t comprehend, that life is the death. The life as breathe in, and the death as breathe out.

                I breathe in, and thus I provide the space for life as breath to fulfill me and each part of my body I consist of and exist as and thus I am here, I breathe out and I died as the space diminished.

                If I am able to provide the space, therefore I am the universe.

                Therefore, the universe by itself is life.

                Question is, to which I provide the space to exist within and as me, what is that I provide the space to live in me and to be part of me, what I accept and allow to myself to exist as me?

                Do I provide the space for the equality and oneness within me as life?

                Or do I provide the existence of the mind as friction as energy where energy is destruction?

                Am I the stability to be able to provide to each being equally the space and life or I am just friction and destruction of me as energy?

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate through my physical body and thus separate from the earth and from the sun and from galaxy and stars and universe not seeing and realizing that I am equal and one which physical consist of and exist as universe of me as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that it is me who decide what I accept and allow to give and provide the space within and as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that life begins with being born and ends with death instead of seeing and realizing that life and death is the same as life of one is death for another and thus to realize that death by itself do not exist, as to die can only that what has beginning and thus has to have an end and thus only that what is determined and influenced by time can die as it means it was not real, as what is real is not influenced by time, as what is real do not submit to time and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am determined by time or that time can influence who I am here as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship within my mind between me, my mind, and my body and thus relationship towards the physical thus towards the earth ,sun, galaxy and universe, instead of seeing and realizing that I am the universe, that I am the sun, that I am the earth, that I am the body, that I am the mind, that I am everything which I consist of and exist as and that it is me who decide if I accept and allow the destruction of the physical with energy as friction of polarities of the mind or if I will stand up and stop everything mind consist as energy as friction as polarity, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to wait on myself to stop the living in and as the mind as polarity friction of myself, instead of merge together each parts and points of me I separated from myself according knowledge and information of the mind and stop and stand up for myself as for all as me as who I am here as life as equality and oneness of me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to accept the mind to decide who I am or what I should be, instead of stop the mind within and as me as mind is separation based on relationships, instead of seeing and realizing that I do not need to refer to me or relate to me as I am everything which exist here as awareness of me as who I am as life as physical as breath.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and imprison myself into ideas and believes of the mind and thus suppress myself and the awareness of my as physical here, instead of stop the mind to direct and decide for myself, instead of taking responsibility for everything I exist as and direct myself to effectively within me world to stop the illusion of the mind for each being here as equal to me and me equal to them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t be aware more then my mind provides to me as information and knowledge, instead of seeing and realizing that anything of the mind is illusion of the mind about physical as attempt of the system trying to comprehend what it is the system runs on and as.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became the system of relationships between parts and point of myself I separated myself from and thus follow the program of me as the mind as system of thoughts and energy movements within and as me and go there where I can get the energy to sustain and maintain the energy source for the mind to exist, instead of standing up and say no – Stop I do not accept and allow to be directed by anything mind consist of.

Thanks, Juraj