Day 103 : Game of more and less – is this life?

                I realized, why I created likeness towards points within my life, and the dislikes, and this is the point of mind game as less than and more then.

                To this point is connected creation of desire to get that what I like, therefore to get what I perceived as more, and thus be satisfied once this is received because through getting that what I liked and perceived as more I became satisfied as through this created the sense of be more than who I really am.

                Thus trough desires and through the points I perceived as more than others, as comparison between people, actions, things, I wanted to be more, to create from myself more than who I really am, and thus I participated on moving myself and expressing myself according this points, where obvious mechanics and starting points is as always was inequality.

                Within this, I realized that I simply have to equalize myself with everything I do, speak and act, as within this I am able to see what I am really doing, why I am doing it, and therefore see if it serve me for something or not, and if not thus simply stop to participate on such movements, actions, expressions, as if I would thus I would be still directed of points of inequality within me.

                And the point is even not to stop to do some actions, but what is starting point for such actions, as if it is inequality thus it is always fuck up.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to live me as a system of inequality based on comparison between people, animals, words, actions, movements, behaviors and from this create the likeness or dislike and thus from likeness create the sense of something more, perceive that this something I like is more than that what I do not like, and therefore direct myself to the points I like and perceive myself as more than, instead of see and realize that within this I am participating on game of more than and less than and thus living and accepting inequality within and as me, instead of stop, breathe and see and realize what it is what I am doing, why I am doing it, and if this is best for all or just my self interest.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that within the world, existence is something which is more and something which is less than, and by this accept and allow within me to live the inequality as me, instead of stop, see and realize that inequality is concept of the mind, where mind compares, judge and desire, and thus stop to participate on action and needs of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to give power to my mind through accepting believe and idea of inequality, of points that something is more and that something is less and thus let my mind to direct me to the point I perceived as more than.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to shape myself and mold myself according perceptions of more than and less then and thus create the positive energy towards the points I perceived as more than and negative energy towards the points of perception of less than, instead of see and realize that everything and anything within and as existence is equal.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the inequality within and as me through the pictures as relationships towards this pictures as likeness towards those one I perceived and judged as more than and dislike as inequality towards the pictures I judged and perceived as less than.

                I forgive to myself that I have not  accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that inequality is foundation and core platform of the mind, where mind creates the relationships towards the points and by this relationships generate the energy to replenish and sustain itself and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself according relationships of the mind, instead of stand up and live as an example of equality , where everything I exist as and consist of is considered equally.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget that once I participate on the mind as system of inequality, that therefore I am accepting myself to be not equal with myself and by this accepting for whole existence the inequality, instead of stand up for myself and see and realize that I am equal to me, that I am here and that my body is perfect example of equality and oneness.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see that my body constantly and continuously is showing me what real equality and oneness is, what is real and what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want to hide in front of myself to do not have to face the points I accepted and allowed to myself to participate on as system of inequality, because this means that I have to stand up and stop to participate on the games of the mind as games of more than and less than.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 75 : Relationships – Mind & body

                The physical body, the flesh I live in and as and I am dependent on, came from the earth as what earth exist as and consist of and provided the resources required for my body to develop and grow and exist, and the earth provides this to each being consistently.

                Therefore, as my body is made of the earth, I must be the earth as well, but as I separated from my body thus I separated from the earth and this means, I separated myself from the life, as earth is what provides me everything what I need to exist, thus earth by itself is representation of life.

                For earth to be able to provide me the resources to live, the sun have to provide to the earth its own energy as sun rays, and within this the sun lose their own mass when eventually over some period the sun will literally die. Therefore, the life of one is death for another.

                Within this, for the sun to be able to shine, the galaxy provides to the solar system of the sun required space to realize itself and do what is the best for the sun, thus shine.

                For galaxy to be able to provide the space for the sun, the universe provides the space for galaxy to be able to maintain all mechanics within to sustain required stability.

                Therefore, the universe be itself, provides and is the space.

                But as I separated from my body, thus from the earth, and from the sun, and from the galaxy and from the universe, it means, that I forgot what it means to provide and be the space, as I forgot who I am as life as life provides the space for living.

                As I forgot my oneness with my body, I forgot that I am one with the earth, sun, galaxies and the universe by itself, where everything exist in cooperation of providing the space and therefore the life to exist.

                Within this all, it means, that life = death, therefore, the perception of life as beginning and the death as the end is illusion of the mind, illusion of so called life perceived by the mind, as mind can’t comprehend, that life is the death. The life as breathe in, and the death as breathe out.

                I breathe in, and thus I provide the space for life as breath to fulfill me and each part of my body I consist of and exist as and thus I am here, I breathe out and I died as the space diminished.

                If I am able to provide the space, therefore I am the universe.

                Therefore, the universe by itself is life.

                Question is, to which I provide the space to exist within and as me, what is that I provide the space to live in me and to be part of me, what I accept and allow to myself to exist as me?

                Do I provide the space for the equality and oneness within me as life?

                Or do I provide the existence of the mind as friction as energy where energy is destruction?

                Am I the stability to be able to provide to each being equally the space and life or I am just friction and destruction of me as energy?

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate through my physical body and thus separate from the earth and from the sun and from galaxy and stars and universe not seeing and realizing that I am equal and one which physical consist of and exist as universe of me as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that it is me who decide what I accept and allow to give and provide the space within and as me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that life begins with being born and ends with death instead of seeing and realizing that life and death is the same as life of one is death for another and thus to realize that death by itself do not exist, as to die can only that what has beginning and thus has to have an end and thus only that what is determined and influenced by time can die as it means it was not real, as what is real is not influenced by time, as what is real do not submit to time and thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I am determined by time or that time can influence who I am here as physical.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create the relationship within my mind between me, my mind, and my body and thus relationship towards the physical thus towards the earth ,sun, galaxy and universe, instead of seeing and realizing that I am the universe, that I am the sun, that I am the earth, that I am the body, that I am the mind, that I am everything which I consist of and exist as and that it is me who decide if I accept and allow the destruction of the physical with energy as friction of polarities of the mind or if I will stand up and stop everything mind consist as energy as friction as polarity, thus I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to wait on myself to stop the living in and as the mind as polarity friction of myself, instead of merge together each parts and points of me I separated from myself according knowledge and information of the mind and stop and stand up for myself as for all as me as who I am here as life as equality and oneness of me.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to accept the mind to decide who I am or what I should be, instead of stop the mind within and as me as mind is separation based on relationships, instead of seeing and realizing that I do not need to refer to me or relate to me as I am everything which exist here as awareness of me as who I am as life as physical as breath.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself and imprison myself into ideas and believes of the mind and thus suppress myself and the awareness of my as physical here, instead of stop the mind to direct and decide for myself, instead of taking responsibility for everything I exist as and direct myself to effectively within me world to stop the illusion of the mind for each being here as equal to me and me equal to them.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t be aware more then my mind provides to me as information and knowledge, instead of seeing and realizing that anything of the mind is illusion of the mind about physical as attempt of the system trying to comprehend what it is the system runs on and as.

I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to became the system of relationships between parts and point of myself I separated myself from and thus follow the program of me as the mind as system of thoughts and energy movements within and as me and go there where I can get the energy to sustain and maintain the energy source for the mind to exist, instead of standing up and say no – Stop I do not accept and allow to be directed by anything mind consist of.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 50 : Girls and inferiority – You are more wise – Part 4

                At my elementary school age one specific girl came to my attention, I was amazed by her look, long blond hairs, white skin, skinny body, blond eyes, the shapes of her lips and nose, everything on her as body image look was like perfection, that what I created likened towards, and I started to like her image, but not only that.

                When I was attending school that age, I was looking upon her, and I sat on the left side of her at desk, she on the right, and as I was left-hander, and she right-hander, it was easy for me to copy and look into her text book, especially during classes as English or Slovak language, as grammar within this languages was always my failing point, I can say that those times I really do not understood in Slovak language some specifications, why are some things the way they are, why I have to write something differently, why I her something one way but have to write it different way, and in Slovak language, we mostly speak exactly the way of what we write, there are only several differentiations, especially in using letters as y-i in words. But for English language, from certain perspective it was for me horror, as I was not able understand the stupidity of language creation, any why someone create language this way, I liked simplicity.

                But anyway, during classes, lot of times I copied during tests from her, as lot of times I saw she understand stuff better than me, and thus I was looking upon her and she came to me amazing, that she knows and understand everything, and I never considered the point, that during my elementary school ages, i never learned anything at home, when I was home I liked to do everything else and I was learning just in school, even homework’s I always made in school , to push myself to do something and prepare myself to school was simply almost impossible, and I had at the end of school year A marks from all subject except Slovak and English, when I had for both subjects for C. sometimes during that ages I had marks as B, but I never cared for marks, and my father always said that I am learning for myself not for mark or for him, thus it was enough for me. For me it has to be like special moments to push myself and learn something at home, very rare situations, lot of stuff I was able to learn at school and that was enough for me.

                And I was looking upon this girl and perceive myself as less than her, me as inferior just because I do not prepared myself at home, but she did. Lot of times I copied from her homework’s and I hide myself in front of her, I was not able to say or speak with her and reveal the likeness towards her, but my behavior was obvious.

                One at school the girls was asking me why I want to date with her, or why I like her, and why I do not tell it, and I was so shy and feared that they would make fun of me when I will speak the words I would like to, that I rather decide go to offense and insulted her with the words in front of them. Just because I was shy and fear to speak, I spoke direct opposite.

                Many times, during lot of events, she was the girl where my attention always go, I moved myself mostly just because of be in her presence, or when I danced with her, that was moments for me which I really enjoyed as I could touch her, be close to her, obviously separated from her and thus desired to be with her, and also that I had no money and she had more thus I placed myself as inferior in front of her also for a point of not having money, and sometimes I couldn’t attend school events because of money, thus I felt like noting in school ,as other child went on events I would like to be there also, but I had to remain in school. I compared myself towards others and start to differentiate between me and others also through the point of money, of who have or don’t have money. Towards those which had money I was inferior, seeing me as not worthy but I could live with that.

                I started to value me according amount of money I have or do not have, and I started to see others through the money also, and I started to attach the value of humans also through the amount of money they have, not seeing myself that time equal to them and them equal to me, as differentiations at school between us start to be bigger because of money each child received from parents, in meaning, which clothes child’s wear, where they go during holidays, what they eat at school, and so.

                I was lot of times emotional at school, as I was not able to handle the points when sometimes in very specific situations children laugh on me, thus sometimes I cried, but it was even worse as they smiled from me more, thus I decided to hide myself and not present what is going on within me, as I was not able understood anyway what it is and why I allow it. Thus I started to create myself as strong man, showing the ok face and smile face and suppressing everything which touched me, hurt me, and I mostly focused on the points I liked.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself inferior and less than just because of my appearance and appearance of others just because of picture presentations I saw and because as a point of comparing myself with others according the pictures I saw they wear and thus compare myself to others and compare myself according amount of money I had and they had and start to see myself less than them just because of pictures I saw and because of amount of money I perceived they have instead of seeing myself equal to them and them equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to look upon you and perceive you as wiser than me because of your ability to prepare yourself at home for school classes and do not see you equal to me and me equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to place myself as inferior towards you and you as more than me because of your ability to understand Slovak and English language and me lacking to understand the grammar in such way you did, and not seeing myself as equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the likeness and positive energy charge towards you and adore you and look upon you because of your hairs, nose, lips, body, and thus limit and diminish myself and separate myself from you, hide my expression and hide myself within and as me because of fear to reveal my likeness towards you and fear that you will not want to like me, date with me, be with me, thus I rather remain hidden and rather find ways how to be close to you but anyway hidden, thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide myself in front of you and thus develop within and as me how I can remain hidden and be with you and get positive energy from the point of being with presence of you and can speak with you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within me the positive energy charge within me when we danced together, to like to dance with you as a point of positive energy within me, not seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you, but look upon you and desire to be with you as I separated myself from you thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to desire to be with you, in your presence, to touch you during dancing, to move with you as positive energy creation within and as me and thus follow this energy and suppress myself and limit myself and hide myself in front of you instead of seeing me equal to you and you equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to show you what is going on within me and fear of being rejected by you or that you will laugh on me, and from this develop my shyness and insecurity in front of you and from this insecurity develop myself as a ego where the opposite I showed and presented in front of you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to hide in front of you and hide myself within and as me, as I separated myself from you not seeing you equal to me but desire to be in your presence just because of your look, of your presentation and of your movements and from this created within and as me positive energy charge and exist within and as mind separation entity from you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to perceive myself as inferior in front of you because I do not cared to prepare myself at home to school and thus that you did perceive within me as more than me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as inferiority /superiority polarity design of the mind towards you instead of seeing you equal to me and myself equal to you.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create within and as me my speech and my behavior in front of you as positive energy reflection within and as me, not expressing myself but just positive energy within me I created and thus connect this energy to my words, my speech, my movements, my actions, my smile, my look not seeing what I am doing and why, not realizing that I am not living me but just mind as energy thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to exist within and as mind polarity design of energy as positive/negative.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to create my words, my speech, the way how I speak and what I speak according mind polarity design of positive/negative, inferior/superior, good/bad, love/fear, sex/anger, anxiety/excitement and exist within and as mind entity of such energy fluctuations and allowances instead of being here within and as the breath, in and as physical and expressing and living myself as who I really am.

Thanks, Juraj

Mind always wants more

I realized, I cannot fulfill the desires and the needs and wants of the mind. It is impossible. I tried. Different ways, all led to nowhere, because mind is never satisfied. Mind wants more and more and more and will not stop until it kill itself because of its own design of limits.

Through the mind, I can go only to its own limits, through the mind, I am bounded. Mind has borders, strict ones.

Energy generated through the act of thinking in believing that it is me, that energy used to move me because of my self definitions to that energy. And this is fascinating because if I wanted to experience some specific energy so I had to manipulate myself the exact same way as before just with illusion that it is different, but energy created was the same, than depleted and then I had to restart all process again and again in very same cycles not noticed that I trapped myself to one nice very cute fuck up.

Anyway, it is not worthy at all, because eventually if I would allow my mind to continue so it will create the exact same experiences of energy flow within me and through that, self definitions and desires and needs, which cannot be fulfilled because for the mind, it is never enough. And such act of energy dependency can led to entity creation within, become that and followed on the road of never ending cycles of unfulfilled desires which becomes the leader of one’s life.

Thanks, Juraj