I am self-trust

               

                Inevitably, I faced many times a question within myself, as what or who I can trust? Or even what trust is, is trust real? Can trust even exists?

               So, as I was a bit struggling within me as this point, thus I came back within me, and revisited the points of realizations within me, and looked as how I acted, what I spoke and what I did after specific points I realized.

               For example, 8 years ago realization of love as oneness and equality of myself, through and by this realization, I was able to see as who I am as expression of love, and I placed this realization as my guide, map or compass, and see and understand that love is never a feeling, but I am the love. Within the realization of me as love, the experience of hug and kiss of each living being emerged within me and I trusted me as this realization and I will trust me as love forever. This realization, guided me many times when I faced a point of the love as construct of the mind, and I was able always cross reference love as me and love as mind experience, and see through my fears, hopes, wants, and needs as desire for love as a feeling. And I admit, even with this great cross reference point I placed within me, I had sometimes struggle to let go of all points related within me to and as love construct, because hundreds of dimensions emerged within me related to this point and my need of self-honesty was challenged in this point a lot, but I never lost myself in love construct again. And I never will.

               To let go and transcend, some specific points within me as love construct, was really painful, on mind level and “real” pain in me as a being. Letting go of a false love, constructed through ideas and believes, fears and separation from myself, starting on mind level and going into me as a being, required really a lot moments to see and realize before, and one of the ultimate was, as how I created this love as mind from beginning as an illusion in my mind, and sometimes even I wanted this illusion to became real, but always my compass, my guide, my map as realization as what real love is, together with self-forgiveness, I always found my ground and was able to see through, which is in fact totally great and I am so grateful for this, as I seen that my actions, and words was supported a lot thanks to me as realization of love and thus I stand me as this realization, no matter what and forever. And I can place a question, will I kiss or hug this person standing in front of me as me as expression of love? I definitely do not have to hug or kiss all beings in existence to prove this for myself, this is more a guide and always will be.

               When I realized around 10 years ago, what relationships in between men and women really are, how they are created within mind, what mind play is involved, and how many points of deception within self are involved, thus this became one of my first compasses and guides for my life, to never seek relationship with woman based on such points again, which was quite a challenge as well, but from that moment I always seen and understood, that I can never accept to form a relationship with a girl such way, because it would always be fake, deception, and lies of the mind. And from that moment I decided that I would go into relationship with a woman, which would be able to walk her process as well, and never accept anything less. In that moment, I decided that and was prepared, that I will be all my life alone, or I will met with a woman which would understand the message of equality and oneness of desteni, and decide for herself to walk out of a mind, and thus we would walk our lives together. One way, or another, I am ok with both options for myself, even I realize, that many points are easier to walk when two are together, as both can play very vital part within process of both, and help and support each other more effectively when it come to walk through the mind. But still, I can do it alone, so if this option will play out in my life, I will walk alone this earth.

               Few months after realization of me as love, realization of me as awareness, and how I experienced myself as all existence, and what this realization showed me, about me, what judgments really are, and how everything exists as polarities, for the sake of creation of fear, became my strongest point and most vital part in growing basket of compasses and guides and maps within me. And if I would have to pick one reason, as why I continue as self-forgiveness till this date, after decade ago, this one was the utmost revealing realization of me, but other played very vital part as well, thus all are the same guides for me.

               Even as how I came to this realization, was quite fascinating, because my separation was defined by one simple thought within me, which was “ I am not you “ , and this thought occurred within my mind when my brother was speaking to me when I was just a boy, and he was comparing me with one specific being, which I didn’t liked and this thought happened within me that time, and it was done, I was separated in the mind living my dream. But this realization will be my guide forever.

               When I started stopping the mind, and seeing the thoughts of myself, and starting over some period track the thoughts to their origin, and start to see mechanics in between thoughts and emotions, what I always found was, that origin of each thought within me was fear. This was quite interesting, and I was not sure what this will bring to my life, but I understood that I can trust myself and simply continue with what I was doing in context of self-forgiveness, as I simply had to see and understand for myself, I could never accept knowledge or anything, as I seen that whatever is presented to me, I would never trust if I do not see for myself, walk for myself, understand for myself, and thus live for myself.  

Sure, I was not able to see everything as what is ahead of me that time, but anyway I am grateful that I never stopped, because, this seeing and understating as how fear is created within me, and which thought and feeling or emotions emerged from it, was another guide in the basket, and thus I could never let any thought within me unnoticed, or emotion, and I always had to start to see deeper because I always seen, that it is never just a thought, but much more to this is always.

               From points above, emerged realization of sexual energy, and seeing and understanding, that all sexual energy I experienced within me, is in fact always fear. Sexual energy, simply equals fear. And this fear has many facets, many forms, and comes with many dimensions, and here I can say, this was the most hard, challenging and lengthy point within me to walk.

               From begging, when I started to investigate my fears as sexual energy, my insecurities about myself, doubts, judgments, polarities, and possible actions, I was not able to see as how many I accepted within me to be part of me as me, but this realization, that all sexual energy is fear, I added to my basket of guides, and thus more I walked my life, more compasses I created for myself, to never again fall in the trap of the mind. And extensively great amount of my power has been given by me to my mind, to play with me and use me.

                Walking sexual points within me, took me more like 8 years, one by one, day by day, year by year, and you would never believe as what I did for myself to be able to push myself through this, and I pushed myself, me as the mind, me as a being, and me as a body, to real limits of me, where I was aware that I can possibly lead myself into a collapse of me and make some epic mistake for myself, but I had always one point in consideration for this, that I will do anything and everything possible for myself, to walk through the fears of me, but whatever I will do I will never harm myself. Physical well being of me was always the priority for me, and I can say, this was a great compass for me, because I never seriously harmed myself or damaged anything of my body, yet I had some tiny little issues after some specific points, or some mistakes, because body can handle only what body can handle, and I can say, I am grateful for my body, because what I body did for myself, and stood with me, and to show me what I accepted as fear to live in and as, was sometimes really crazy, but I had to do it. And if I would have to go back, I would do it the very same way, with some little improvements, but basically it was a cool way to work with the points within me, with my fear, and explore anything and everything possible within me.

               Within the walking sexual energy within me, I was after years always like, so this is it, this was the last point, and the another point emerged, and I understood that maybe I will never resolve this, or it will take how much it will take, and sometimes I was even pissed of or surprised as how this is possible so many points connected to this. But I continued, until one very specific moment, when I realized, what really happened within me and why and what I accepted and how it is even possible that such moment existed within me, when I was a young boy, as experience of fear within me, when I looked on a girl,  I had this paralyzing and trembling experience of myself, when I saw her, and all my life, I thought that it was fear, or love, or likeness of her, or whatever, but in the moment of realization, as what this really meant, and what really happened, finally I seen for myself. That all sexual energy, I experienced, lived, wanted, needed, or desired, was in fact, fear of myself. All sexual energies, thus fears, which I had through my entire life, was in fact, fear of myself, as projection, as what I will possibly do, or not, and this was linked to polarity of more and less, and I let my mind to abuse me each way possible and keep me trapped in this fear of myself, because I was no able to se that time, how I created it. And even, as a young boy, I had no chance to see this, nor understand, or realize. This was the blueprint and creation and specifically tailored experience of my mind for myself, to eat it, and start to live it.

               And here, I was able to see, how was possible that I believed that experience, why I believed it, Why I followed it all my life, and what that experience meant. All my fears, all my life, all my actions, all my words, was linked to this one very specific experience of fear, I could say, more like initial or starting point of me accepting fear, and this was decided, and tailored for myself much sooner, and according my realizations, I would say from begging of the existence.

               What was the most interesting point, within such realization was, that in fact, it was something completely else, so well hidden, and presented by my mind such genius way, that from that moment it was almost certain that I will never find out or realize, and thus I have to say, that mind and creation of the mind, and how mind can use self-deception to trap one within, is pure genius. 8 years or more took me, to came to this point, even some specific points I realized earlier in my life, but in context of me actively working and participating on this, it was such time.

               Fear of myself, is starting point for all fears within self, because self is not able to see, comprehend and understood, that self in fact exists as one. But separation, brings this illusion, that it is something else.

               And if you will reach this point within you, you will see, what it really means, when Anu said, where and how he placed himself as a part of a body.

               So, if you are experiencing sexual energy within you, you can always be sure, that you are deceiving yourself, and that in fact you are experiencing the fear in its purest form. If you are horny, be sure, that it is fear you do not see how you are creating it within you, and accepting within you. If you are horny, or sexually driven by energy within you, be sure you are just a slave of the mind, which uses you, like a tool, like a puppet, and you will give into and you will give the mind all the fears you can, and mind will hold you in this trap of you, because even you want and desire it. But, at the end, it is always fear, and this fear starts within you, where you are fearing yourself.

               Fear of self, is starting point for all possible fears you can experience within you, all judgments, all polarities, it all starts within you, as you, as who you are, and what you really fear of yourself.

               This points I walked for myself, and what I realized, was one of the hardest, really hardest, and most sophisticated creation within my mind as the mind, because I would never thought or guess the real reason, as how and why I accepted fear within me, and what part polarity of more and less plays as projection to the future of my future actions, of myself towards a girl really is. I am so grateful that I pushed myself to walk all of this, and I am so grateful for my body, and I am so grateful for myself, that despite all the odds, I am forever grateful for this opportunity which I gave myself, to see and realize how I created all of this, and thus give myself opportunity to live me as a being, no longer trapped in self-deception of fear.

               And thus, I have a basket, where is a map, on that map, are placed realizations of me which I accepted as me, and this map and realizations guided me as a compass in my life, almost for a decade. And, I will forever.

 So I trust myself, and became the trust of self, that I will never fall into a mind games again, or that even if by any chance I would, thanks to this, I trust myself that with my map, I will always find the way out, no matter what.

So I dare you, do anything and everything possible to see through the fear of yourself, push yourself as much as you can, and when you reach the point of self-realization as how and why you existed the way you did, you will, smile. 😊

You will smile because you will see, that all of it, was never real. You will smile and honor yourself, because you will see how all another parts which mind consist of and exists as and which you accepted to be and live and become, and which mind uses against you, as guilt, remorse, regret, sadness, anger, you name it, was your allowance, your acceptance, from begging of you and that nothing of that, was ever real, just a mirage of you. And here you give yourself opportunity, to became real you. As who you really are, as presence, as awareness, as love, as direction, as playfulness, as self-acceptance, as everything you can give to yourself, no more trapped in your self-delusion.

Alone or together, I am trust of me, forever.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 169: I will all-ways Love you

                I spoke many times the words of love or likeness towards the girls, I dared to, I wished and I wanted those words to be spoken back. I wanted.

                I speak those words and I tremble, I speak and I shake as I am insecure about reply and I wish to hear the words of likeness of me but I fear I am mistaken, I fear things are not the way I perceive and think, I hold the hand and I kiss and I am pleased, I am satisfied, I am experiencing the feeling, the feeling I like, I like this girl, I love her, I know it because I experience this feeling, but, something, something I do not considered, I do not considered, that this, what I experience – is Lie.

                The moments I dared to express and spoke those words towards girls are gone and seem to me like never happened, like just the frame of the past of my actions and my words, my words, as love towards anyone, I was fake. I was fake within such words, I was not aware.

                And this experience and this feeling, is lovely, it is energy moving within me and fulfilling me, this energy I think is love, it must be, this lovely love feeling, must be love because it is directed toward a girl, and I am male thus this is love, yes it is, but, I see – it is fear. Not love not likeness just fear. The fear of me, fear of who I am, why I am the way I am, fear of future and present, as I do not know, I do not see, I am not aware thus I fear and this fear is fulfilling me and I think it is love and I am mistaken and I lie to me and I lie to girl because I fear.

                Within the words I spoke the likeness and love of someone, in fact there was my desires, my intentions, my needs and wants, my projections, how it would be, how things can be, how future can be, my energy and my experiences, within such words I manipulated because of wanting to simply experience what I feel within me, in the state of mind I am experiencing love, which was just – Fear.

                Fear in many ways, fear in me, and I think I will always love you but in fact I will all ways fear you, is true meaning of such words, always to fear, me.

                How strange it is, to say, to someone, and to promise and to project, that I will be all ways in fear towards this being, how insane this is, and more insane, the marriage of two based on the fear as projection to end of the life.

                Blindness within such fear allow the being to commit themselves into a doom of them in lies and dishonor of love, they accept to abuse such word each way possible to maintain their energy, and it is just fear, and they will fight and protect their fear, and they will dare to kill for their love – for the fear.

                The beings, here, as me, blinded within such love, not seeing and realizing what in fact is going on within them and around them, and the moments pass and things are happening and day after day, year after year, decade after decade, life is passing and the life in fear and projection of love and what love is, and within the last moment of the” life”, being realize the most shocking truth about themselves, the truth about their love, and what they lived, but it is to late. To late and all is gone – just this seeing and realization remain – You was fake all life, each way possible, because you feared you.

                I breathe, slowly, I am the breath of the body and I am in and as all parts equally and everything of me is equally considered, shared, touched, fulfilled with me as breath as I am here and I am love, I am expression of love as innocence of me, I love me and I love you as me and this is me as who I am within such moment as I see, realize and understand, for eternity as the truth of love – is Equality and oneness of me.

Thanks, Juraj

               

Day 149 : I was never here

                The presence of me, as awareness of everything which exists as me, no separation, nothing just me as experience and existence of myself in equality and oneness of me as who I really am, this is the realization I came through and the self judgment of me was so extreme, I experienced myself as body to blow up if this judgment will continue, thus I stopped.

                The moments I realized who I really am as presence of me never allowed to give up on myself, but rather continue to give up everything of the mind. Within this, I see I was never here as awareness of life, but always as mind, as to be here mind can’t explain what this means, what this should be, or how it is, or even how to make to be here, as for mind is simply impossible to be in and as present moment.

                Mind do not exist as moment of here, mind do not exist as one moment which is real, for mind this is impossible as mind by itself is illusion, therefore illusion can’t comprehend at all what real is, reality, or what this word even means.

                Mind can’t comprehend simplicity as for the mind that what is most simple seems to be most horrific.

                I can’t live here with the mind, I can’t unite living of illusion and living here as that what is made of past can’t be merged with actual reality. The one have to be given up therefore giving up on the mind means giving up on the past.

                Therefore each memory, each moment stored and experienced as the energy have to be investigated, solved and released to free self from this prison of the past, as that is where I am.

                I locked myself in the past as creation of definitions and relationships towards that what I experienced in believe of realness and actuality of such experiences, therefore creation of me as mind has been set up.

                I locked me thus I free me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize who I am as presence of me in and as moment which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I always lived in separation from myself in the mind, in projections, ideas, believes, judgments, comparison, competition, and thus I never lived myself as present moment in equality and oneness with myself as everything which exists as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I do not know what it means to live here, as knowing is of the mind and thus live here is presence of me as awareness of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that anything of the mind is separation.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that to see means see directly.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to live within and as moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize simplicity of living in and as one moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that only one moment is real, one which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to always exist in and as mind in separation from myself and from what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from moment which is here and thus from myself, because of my very living in and as the mind which is based on past and past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical existence because of my acceptance to be, live, and participate in and as the mind as mind follower.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself with the mind and thus exist as the limitation of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my existence by thoughts, energy experiences and ideas and believe about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret what is here, instead of be here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret reality instead of being with and as reality as who I really am as presence of physical as awareness of self.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as singular points and thus as my self definitions and relationships towards this points, instead of stop to live as definitions and relationships but as real being in presence of moment which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit into a self dishonesty by accepting living the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that my very living was never based on equality and oneness of myself as everything which exists.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I always lived in separation from myself thus in self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not open my physical eyes and see what is here directly but rather interpret what is here by and as the mind as definitions, knowledge, information as pictures in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not hear what is here but rather think what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not touch what is here as me in equality and oneness with myself but rather interpret through the mind the touch and what this touch means and how I should experiences the touch.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t stop separation and my existence as separate entity, because I think and believe that this will remain this way always, instead of see and realize that to stop live in separation form myself is stop living all lies of the mind which I am capable of.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am strong and stable if I am here as presence of me as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up the past because I defined myself as the past and as living in the past and past is everything I have as the definitions of myself in and as the mind, and to give up the past means to give up on everything I lived as the mind therefore kill myself as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that to see everything of me as my definitions and relationships created in the past as the mind is problem and hard.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not trust myself as physical as breath in equality and oneness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not dare to question everything of the mind as this questioning will lead me to solution and thus by this accept and allow to hide myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from my physical body which is here, because I created myself as the past and thus I live of and as the past as the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I deluded myself ,because of thinking and believing that anything I experiences as energy was real, not seeing and realizing simplicity of this, as anything of the energy experiences is my self delusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I am not capable to see what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to interpret myself and thus reality.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that mind will somehow have power over me always, instead of see and realize that I am able to stop the mind, living as the mind entirely, that I am able to stop the mind in its own complexity and design, as do not matter how complex mind is, mind is still limited, programmed and by this programming and seeing this program and design I am able to free and release myself from such lies.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 132 : Definition of sex – Desire for sex

                Many times I have been solving within me the points related to my sexuality, and interestingly the definition of sex, sexuality, or sexual desires, projections, was and is intertwined with many other points, in meaning, how I see myself as a male and how I see females, how I experienced sex and sexual events I lived, and thus how I shaped, molded and defined myself as a male and the experiences of me.

                The starting point and thus creation point within me of sexuality and energy coming from this point is based on perception of female pelvic area, lower stomach area, basement of the legs in and as joints connected in pelvis, and perception of the area between upper thighs and thus area of vagina and thus this picture of female lower/mid part of body.

                The desire to explore and have a sex with woman comes from point of wanting to explore and get what females keep hidden, and thus want to get to a point of uncover that what is hidden in front of my eyes, and also as a point of want to achieve this part of female body as a highest goal for satisfaction of myself, in and as sex, sexuality and fulfillment of myself through sex, and thus definition of myself and fulfillment of myself through sex and getting that what is sometimes hard to achieve.

                Thus desire of sex became created by me, within me as wanting to achieve that what is hidden in front of me, that I perceive that this is hidden and that women hide this part of their body, desire to get to this part of female body and be able to explore this, as hope of getting to this point and at the same time fear that I will not achieve this or will not get permission from female to explore her body and this area of her body, where I connected within me to this point or female body sexual fantasies, projections, ideas, believes, hope, desire and self fulfillment as experiencing the energy within me by ability to get permission from female to explore her body.

                From this comes perception of female body, as unequal connections created within me as perception of specific part of female, as picture representation where to the pelvic area I connected the highest priority, than this goes through female buttocks, legs, how female moves, breasts, neck, lips, ears, and the projections what can be done with all this parts of female body as energy connections to touches of female body and thus energy experiences of touch created within me towards this points, and thus accepted energy experiences and definitions of sex and sexuality by and through pictures and energy connections to touch based on unequal perception of female body, where some part has more value and some parts less value, and by this generate the friction within and as me as polarity of more and less and thus living as mind design of less/more, where the creation of energy within me is ensured and thus kept mind “alive”.

                Within this the inferiority / superiority took place, as perception of myself based on points and achievements I was able to “achieve” with female, as a perception and look of – how far I am able to get with female in relation of my body and her body, and what is perceived within me as highest “goal“.

                By this I created and shaped and molded myself as the approach characters towards females, based on fear where fear have been perceived as love and separation of myself from female and thus perceiving female as not myself and not equal to myself, where based on amount of fear generated towards female I shaped my approach and my speech and utilized the characters for getting to the point of achieve the “goal” and achieve the prize therefore to be a “winner” as the one who get to a point of that which I perceived within me as highest “prize” and “goal” as getting the permission from female to  explore her body to a point of being able to explore, experience the touches of female pelvic area with anything I am able to, as fingers, penis, lips, tongue where different energy play outs took place and by this create the friction as superior / inferior, more / less, like / do not like and thus exist as mind designs and mind slave of energy as energy addict.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define sex and define sexuality.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define myself as sexuality and sexual expression through and as pictures.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to positively charge word sex, separate myself from word sex and exist within and as separation from word sex and as mind judgment of word sex as positive.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to define sex and define sexuality and by this create within me the idea and believe about sex and what sex should be or how I should experience myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me desires related to sex and sexuality as self definitions about sex and what sex should be.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that sex is about energy experiences and energy release from my body, not seeing and realizing that sexual energy is created actually as fear, anger and anxiety.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from females and thus see myself as male as separated entity from females and thus see myself through definitions about sex and sexuality, as perception of my body as male and perception of female body.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if I want to have sex with female I have to make this, that I have to be one who start to speak about sex, that I have to be one who show the female that I like her and want her, and by this live out myself as definitions about sex and what sex should be as energetic experiences within me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I as male have to prove to female that I am good partner for her, that she will allow to have sex with me and accept me as partner for sex.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to be always the one who is starting the sexual points to speak, express and show.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I as a male have always get female and her attention and prove her that I am good for her to have sex with me, and thus exist within and as mind believe about myself and polarity of the mind as good / bad.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to shape, mold, and define myself according definitions about sex, projections about sex, energetic charges I put into a pictures and from this generate energy, desire to want to see this pictures and want to get this pictures.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to base sex and sexuality on pictures and see sex through pictures and my experiences as energy movements by these definitions I placed towards these pictures.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to see naked females and that I need to see naked females and that I desire to see naked females.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define female body and charge female body with sexual energy and by this create within and as me to want to see, touch and experience female body and thus get for myself energy experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to based sex and sexuality as definitions of sex of female pelvic area, female upper legs and lower stomach area, and to this pictures connect positive and sexual energy charge and thus exist within and as mind judgment of female body as positive, in perception and believe that this is what I want, need and desire to touch, experience and feel as energy experiences within me through touches of female body and thus use and abuse female for getting the energy experiences for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself as starting point of sex and sexuality as energy experiences within me and my penis as connection of sexual energy towards female body, legs, vagina, belly and connect this picture to my penis as energy experience between myself and picture I saw and thus think and believe that this is sex and sexual energy and that this experience is that what I need, want and desire explore, experience and get for myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect projections, ideas and believe about female body and female legs, vagina as picture presentation in front of me and thus charge this picture with positive and sexual energy charge and exist within and as mind separation from female body, as picture definition within my mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself too based sex and sexuality of myself on picture presentation of female body and thus exist in and as mind design of picture and relationship created towards this picture.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from female body through picture presentation of female body and think and believe that I am separated from female and thus desire to be with female, experience female body and thus exist as mind separation from female and myself, instead of see female as one and equal with me as awareness as life.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that females keep their vaginas hidden and thus create within me desire to want to get that what is hidden and experience this what is hidden, to touch and uncover.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to desire to want to touch female as a point of wanting to achieve that what I perceived females keep hidden and through this create within me the desire, want and need to explore this, and create within me energy experiences of this part of female body.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to connect to touches of my hands, lips, fingers, penis energy charge, and charge this with positive energy and thus want and desire to experience this energy within me and exist as mind slave as polarity design of positive / negative.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive touching and exploring of female body as a goal and achievement and if this is done create within and as me the energy experience of satisfaction and thus separate myself from satisfaction, instead of be satisfied with myself as who I am here as physical body.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive exploring of female body as fulfillment, and thus separate myself from fulfillment, instead of fulfill myself in and as breath, as physical being which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to define satisfaction and fulfillment through sex and sexuality as definition about sex as what sex should be based on picture presentations ideas, believe and energy experiences connected to this, instead of fulfill myself and satisfy myself in completion of me as who I am as physical here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that it is hard to achieve to explore female body that I have, need or want to achieve this as sexual desire of energy experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to hope that female will give me permission to explore her body and at the same time fear that I will not get this permission and thus exist as mind friction and mind design of hope and fear and through this create within and as me anxiety as energy experience.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that if female do not give me permission to explore her body thus I am not good enough and not worthy and thus exist as mind design of polarity as more / less, instead of give myself permission to explore my body as myself and thus fulfill myself and satisfy myself though exploring me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to never give myself permission to explore myself as physical body.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to enjoy my body, to explore my body, to fulfill myself and satisfy myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to be intimate with my physical body and do not see each part of my body equally as equality of physical as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to like and enjoy my body and express myself as physical as breath.

                                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate female body into parts and section and connect to each section and each part different value and different energy charge as positive and thus exist as inequality of me and myself as physical body, and by this perceive my body as unequal, where I separated parts of my body and gave different value and different attention  to myself as my physical body and thus exist within and as mind as inequality, instead of see myself as one, as completion, as fulfillment, as satisfaction as one and equal as physical as who I really am.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within me the friction because of unequal perception of female body and my body, where I gave highest energy charge towards female vagina, buttocks, legs, breast, neck, lips and ears and towards myself as penis, buttocks, belly, neck lips and ears and see this parts of female and my body as more than other parts of this bodies and thus exist within and as mind design of polarity as more / less and by this generate energy for the mind and exist as mind slave.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to participate on mind design of more / less and thus gave permission to the mind to generate energy through me existing as two polarities as more / less.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive myself as superior when I get permission to explore female body and inferior if not and thus exist as mind polarity design of inferiority / superiority.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create relationship between myself and female based on desire for sex and desire to explore her body, instead of see myself as one and her also and each other as equal to each other in oneness and equality as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to rank myself based on measurement of how far I get with female with exploring her body and what are the points she allowed to myself to do with her body and based on this gave myself value, as more I get thus more value I have, and less I get thus less value I have and by this exist as mind design of polarity as more / less where I accepted to myself to live the desires, projections, ideas and believes about sex, sexuality and what sex between male and female should be as picture presentation in my mind and energy connection towards female body and to the touches of female body towards myself and towards her body, where by this touches I generated sexual energy because of my existence in separation from the female body as mind design.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to perceive sex with female as a goal, as achievement which makes me male, instead of se and realize that I do not have to achieve anything in regards of female body and that I am male expression as physical here as physical design of my body.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to forget to express myself as sex and what is real expression of me as sex as physical body as expression of me as physical here, because I live all my life projection’s, ideas, believes about sex and what sex should be, as pictures and energies.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to create within and as me characters of approaching of female based on fear, sort females because of her bodies and thus shape, mold myself and my behaviors according this, instead of be the same each moment I am here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to see sex as a goal and getting sex as a prize and thus see myself as a winner if I have sex with female and loser if not and thus exist as mind design of competition, where I connected this into getting sex or not.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself shape and mold myself as the approach characters towards females, based on fear where fear have been perceived as love and separation of myself from female and thus perceiving female as not myself and not equal to myself, where based on amount of fear generated towards female I shaped my approach and my speech and utilized the characters for getting to the point of achieve the “goal” and achieve the prize therefore to be a “winner” as the one who get to a point of that which I perceived within me as highest “prize” and “goal” as getting the permission from female to  explore her body to a point of being able to explore, experience the touches of female pelvic area with anything I am able to, as fingers, penis, lips, tongue where different energy play outs took place and by this create the friction as superior / inferior, more / less, like / do not like and thus exist as mind designs and mind slave of energy as energy addict.

Thanks, Juraj