Day 164 : Revenge – I do not care as you do not cared.

                 Many times before, I experienced various resistances to write, when point came up, but as usual, I placed the points in front of me and could see.

Here, Now, it is different, it is no more resistance to write, actually, writing is the point I really enjoy, as over time writing becomes something which is for me really intimate, allowing me to understand and see. And as the resistance is gone, something different emerged, and it is simply not wanting to write the point, holding the point within me, seeing, knowing that sooner or later I will have to let go, but this is like wanting to keep this for myself, as that which defined me a lot as all points of revenge I lived, and without revenge I am like gone. But lets have a look, why I hold to this point and why I am letting this go.

I was on the kayak tournament during the weekend and many importing things happened to me, and I was with all team on the way home. I was very young that time, and understand what happened that weekend took me almost my whole life till here.

I move out of the bus, as we stopped finally in our home town and picking my things out of the bus, talking with trainer and guys around, it is night. Little bit cold weather, I look around and people are here, which are family members of guys which was on tournament also, and as I see, for each one someone came, father, mother, brothers or sisters or whole families. And I just remained standing alone, and no one is here just me. I am looking in the dark of non-illuminated road and I see no one came. It is strange, even I do not expect no one will come, but whatever, I move up the road. Why no one came?

Blinked through my mind and I do not know answer, the road to home by tram and bus is quite strange, as that question many times emerged, and comparison of seeing all others with someone who came for them and seeing me, that from my big family nobody.

                I am entering the flat, and I see I am hardly noticed that I came, I have so plenty of things I would like to talk about, so many things happened, and I just see that family simply continues the way as always, and no one ask anything from 7 members of my family, anything about me, tournament, how it was going, no one care a shit to even ask any of kind question, no one interested at all. And thus I see, why they should care to come for me to place where bus came, if they even do not cared a shit about me and the tournament, I am starting to doubt if they maybe noticed I was not here.  Mother, father, brothers and sister continuing to talk, behave like I was not away for 2 days.

                I stand and see they do not care, I stand and see that no one is interested in anything about me, and this is hurting me so deeply, this what I see is killing me from inside. And thus I stand and realize that they even do not know that I am the best in whole team, that my technique and my drive is one of the best, they have no idea what happened this weekend and why I will probably stop with kayaks forever, what I realized, what extreme experience I came through in the canal and many more and I see they do not give a shit.

                I stand and I ask myself, as I see no one care, why I should care? Why I should care about them all if no one cared a shit about me? And you will see, as I am here I will revenge to you the same way u did to me, I will not care the very same way as you do not cared.

                This is my vengeance, this is my statement, this is what I will live and I will became the revenge. I will revenge you and you will see how this can hurt, you will see how it is if I will not give a fuck, and time will come you will need me but I will be no more here. You will not be able to get back your words, your ignorance and no matter what will happen I will ignore you, this is my living as I see who you really are.

                I will not care, I will not ask, I will not be interested, not in you and not in anybody else, as you do not know and do not wanting to know, thus be it. You will never know who I am, what I live, why I live the way I am. You will never know me, see me or comprehend me. Simply, because I will not tell you.

                And thus everything you know about me is just bullshit you believe in, because yes u know me, but only that what I allowed, the pillars and the core of me, will remain hidden in front of you, and whatever you will believe in, will be not me. And I will not care, as only once I will see you do not care, I will take on my revenge.

But, as I said before, I am giving up the revenge as me.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 149 : I was never here

                The presence of me, as awareness of everything which exists as me, no separation, nothing just me as experience and existence of myself in equality and oneness of me as who I really am, this is the realization I came through and the self judgment of me was so extreme, I experienced myself as body to blow up if this judgment will continue, thus I stopped.

                The moments I realized who I really am as presence of me never allowed to give up on myself, but rather continue to give up everything of the mind. Within this, I see I was never here as awareness of life, but always as mind, as to be here mind can’t explain what this means, what this should be, or how it is, or even how to make to be here, as for mind is simply impossible to be in and as present moment.

                Mind do not exist as moment of here, mind do not exist as one moment which is real, for mind this is impossible as mind by itself is illusion, therefore illusion can’t comprehend at all what real is, reality, or what this word even means.

                Mind can’t comprehend simplicity as for the mind that what is most simple seems to be most horrific.

                I can’t live here with the mind, I can’t unite living of illusion and living here as that what is made of past can’t be merged with actual reality. The one have to be given up therefore giving up on the mind means giving up on the past.

                Therefore each memory, each moment stored and experienced as the energy have to be investigated, solved and released to free self from this prison of the past, as that is where I am.

                I locked myself in the past as creation of definitions and relationships towards that what I experienced in believe of realness and actuality of such experiences, therefore creation of me as mind has been set up.

                I locked me thus I free me.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize who I am as presence of me in and as moment which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I always lived in separation from myself in the mind, in projections, ideas, believes, judgments, comparison, competition, and thus I never lived myself as present moment in equality and oneness with myself as everything which exists as physical.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that I do not know what it means to live here, as knowing is of the mind and thus live here is presence of me as awareness of myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that anything of the mind is separation.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that to see means see directly.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to exist within and as moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to live within and as moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize simplicity of living in and as one moment.

                I forgive to myself that I have not accepted and allowed to myself to see and realize that only one moment is real, one which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to always exist in and as mind in separation from myself and from what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from moment which is here and thus from myself, because of my very living in and as the mind which is based on past and past experiences.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate myself from physical existence because of my acceptance to be, live, and participate in and as the mind as mind follower.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit myself with the mind and thus exist as the limitation of the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to limit my existence by thoughts, energy experiences and ideas and believe about myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret what is here, instead of be here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to interpret reality instead of being with and as reality as who I really am as presence of physical as awareness of self.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to exist as singular points and thus as my self definitions and relationships towards this points, instead of stop to live as definitions and relationships but as real being in presence of moment which is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to submit into a self dishonesty by accepting living the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that my very living was never based on equality and oneness of myself as everything which exists.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I always lived in separation from myself thus in self dishonesty.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not open my physical eyes and see what is here directly but rather interpret what is here by and as the mind as definitions, knowledge, information as pictures in separation from myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not hear what is here but rather think what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not touch what is here as me in equality and oneness with myself but rather interpret through the mind the touch and what this touch means and how I should experiences the touch.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I can’t stop separation and my existence as separate entity, because I think and believe that this will remain this way always, instead of see and realize that to stop live in separation form myself is stop living all lies of the mind which I am capable of.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see and realize that I am strong and stable if I am here as presence of me as breath.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not want to give up the past because I defined myself as the past and as living in the past and past is everything I have as the definitions of myself in and as the mind, and to give up the past means to give up on everything I lived as the mind therefore kill myself as the mind.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that to see everything of me as my definitions and relationships created in the past as the mind is problem and hard.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not trust myself as physical as breath in equality and oneness of me.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not see myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to do not dare to question everything of the mind as this questioning will lead me to solution and thus by this accept and allow to hide myself.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to separate from my physical body which is here, because I created myself as the past and thus I live of and as the past as the mind, not seeing and realizing that by this I deluded myself ,because of thinking and believing that anything I experiences as energy was real, not seeing and realizing simplicity of this, as anything of the energy experiences is my self delusion.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think that I am not capable to see what is here.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to think and believe that I have to interpret myself and thus reality.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to believe that mind will somehow have power over me always, instead of see and realize that I am able to stop the mind, living as the mind entirely, that I am able to stop the mind in its own complexity and design, as do not matter how complex mind is, mind is still limited, programmed and by this programming and seeing this program and design I am able to free and release myself from such lies.

Thanks, Juraj

Procrastination – Bound me to the past

               Once I postponed very specific task, I had all day to complete it but I postponed and postponed, I knew what I am doing, I was aware that I will have to complete it anyway, the deadline was next day.

                I went out at the evening, and I still had this unfinished task in my mind, it popped up and still coming back to my mind, like words “ I have to finish that, I have to make sure I will complete it, I can’t go sleep – I need to finish it, I can’t stay here, I need to complete it, I need to complete it and make sure it is done” and at the places I was, and people I spoke with, still this words coming into my head, and even the words I spoke was about this unfinished task and that I have to complete it and that I can’t stay here and enjoy my presence.

                At the night, when I completed it and it was done, I saw what I allowed and accepted to myself, and how I allowed remaining in the past and not be here.

                As the procrastination is allowed, one is actually saying “ I would rather remain in the past as the past is what I am bound to and that is all what I know, I am giving my power away and I am giving this power to my mind as instance which is my dictator and which knows better where I should be, and it is in the past. “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself postpone and procrastinate tasks, things which I know needs to be done and completed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be bounded to the past through procrastination and postponement of tasks and issues which I can solve immediately and have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like postpone and procrastinate things and through this like remaining in the past and not be here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to test how far I can procrastinate and postpone things which need to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself define myself through and as my ability to postpone things and complete it at critical moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself enjoy postpone and procrastinate that which needs to be done and my very self definition and statement of ego that I will not do it now or immediately and that I can postpone it as this is my choice and thus remain in the past as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power away to my mind through postponement and procrastination as to instance which I allowed to be my dictator and thus remain in the past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make form my mind more than me through postponement and procrastination and thus diminish my self value, my direction and who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by the mind through postponement and procrastination and thus empower mind and take over me and remain in the past.

Thanks, Juraj