Day 54 : Fear of disappointment – Fear of betrayal

                As a young boy my father was my god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should behave the same way.

                I placed my trust to his words, I placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.

                Once day, when my eyes turned wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses, as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.

                At my surprise, my father said, that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe most cheapest one they had.

                I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed, I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.

                I could not understand how come he said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a trust died within me.

                I see, that because of various moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.

                Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me, trust in myself, and trust others.

                As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the trust in myself has been reborn.

                Here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed or disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.

I commit myself to trust myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Procrastination – Bound me to the past

               Once I postponed very specific task, I had all day to complete it but I postponed and postponed, I knew what I am doing, I was aware that I will have to complete it anyway, the deadline was next day.

                I went out at the evening, and I still had this unfinished task in my mind, it popped up and still coming back to my mind, like words “ I have to finish that, I have to make sure I will complete it, I can’t go sleep – I need to finish it, I can’t stay here, I need to complete it, I need to complete it and make sure it is done” and at the places I was, and people I spoke with, still this words coming into my head, and even the words I spoke was about this unfinished task and that I have to complete it and that I can’t stay here and enjoy my presence.

                At the night, when I completed it and it was done, I saw what I allowed and accepted to myself, and how I allowed remaining in the past and not be here.

                As the procrastination is allowed, one is actually saying “ I would rather remain in the past as the past is what I am bound to and that is all what I know, I am giving my power away and I am giving this power to my mind as instance which is my dictator and which knows better where I should be, and it is in the past. “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself postpone and procrastinate tasks, things which I know needs to be done and completed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be bounded to the past through procrastination and postponement of tasks and issues which I can solve immediately and have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like postpone and procrastinate things and through this like remaining in the past and not be here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to test how far I can procrastinate and postpone things which need to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself define myself through and as my ability to postpone things and complete it at critical moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself enjoy postpone and procrastinate that which needs to be done and my very self definition and statement of ego that I will not do it now or immediately and that I can postpone it as this is my choice and thus remain in the past as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power away to my mind through postponement and procrastination as to instance which I allowed to be my dictator and thus remain in the past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make form my mind more than me through postponement and procrastination and thus diminish my self value, my direction and who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by the mind through postponement and procrastination and thus empower mind and take over me and remain in the past.

Thanks, Juraj

Nasty – Move fucking bitch

Some days ago, I experienced one day, events where like everything from beginning to the end was against me.

Situation, scenarios, and interactions with people like everybody and everything wanted to make me angry. I was calm and each event I breathe through, except two.

The woman driver in front of my car, driving really slowly, blocking me with her car, making chaos, and direction light turned on to the left but driving in right side.

First time in my life I allowed myself loudly to shout on somebody in the car, I shouted loudly that she is a fucking bitch.

Moment after that I realized, what the fuck I am shouting on her? I do not know a shit why she drives so slowly, why her direction light is turned on to the left but not changing the direction, I do not know a shit how much she is experienced driver, and maybe she is just looking for something here or searching for somebody whom she should pick up. Thus I let go this moment and then forgave myself to being nasty on her, even she was not aware of it.

I realized, why I allowed myself to shout on her, because of the perception of myself that I am good driver, and that the half of the nation should gave back their driving licenses because they drive “ badly “. The perception that I am more than them just because I faced more situations thus my behavior while driving is different, just because I drove more roads, or more kilometers, from this the perception that I am more has been born.

And, I am not. I am not more than anybody else in their own car, each one of us just have different skills and different experiences while driving, thus each one of us drive the car according the best skills we have in such moments.

Thanks, Juraj

Secret, secret mind

I saw deception of my back chat, and I saw deception of the voice which used to talk within me. I saw how I allowed and accepted to be deceived, I stop to participate in it.

                Few days after, slowly but surely secret mind starts to emerge within me, very slow, very soft speaking inside me. Trying to convince me that it is me who speak, that maybe possibly this speaking is me, trying to catch me the very same way like back chats or voice of the mind.

                I noticed interesting thing within it, it is nastier, it is straighter, showing me the core of me which I allowed and accepted.

                I can’t blame anybody, and I will not do that, because it is me who allowed it or not and I take responsibility for myself, for my actions, for the words I speak and why I speak. I take responsibility for that what is inside me, within me, as me and I will not allow to be deceived with the thoughts.

                The secret mind, is showing me the judgments I was not aware of, the thoughts I was living and the thoughts I has been defining myself to. It is showing me what was the triggers of my actions, and definitely, that I was living the mind, and not myself.

Thanks, Juraj

How I manipulated myself to fall

I compared myself with another being, and I saw the fall in this point in that being and I thought myself that this one being knows more about the process and standing and from that comparison I created inferiority in my standing and fear that I will fall in smoking again and I created an excuse that it is not big deal to fall with smoking. So if this being can fall so I can fall.

But I didn’t wanted to fall to smoking as before, to addiction which I cannot be without, so I linked it with drinking coffee, in terms that okey I am going to fall in this point but I will not allow myself to be overwhelmed of this addiction and I will smoke when I will drink coffee, to have this addiction in perceived control.

I was able to smoke only when I drink coffee, but it is fall, no matter what I can add to this.

I noticed interested thing , how can I easily manipulate myself and create excuse and allow myself to fall, how easy it is, to allow just one thought and fall is coming.

When I decided to write about this, my mind literally starts to scream – No ! You can’t do this, you can’t write about this, you can’t reveal it to the others. It could be your secret, you can keep it for yourself and nobody will know how you fall.

Maybe, nobody will know how I fall, but I know how I fall. And I started to laugh on myself when I heard my mind screaming, it was crazy screaming within me, inside me.

Thanks, Juraj