Day 116 : I walk my process because of me

                I asked myself one question, If I would walk my process, if anybody I know who walk the process will disappear.

                The answer is: Yes, I would walk my process if I would remain just only me walking.

                I forgive to myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to want someone in my presence who walk the process of self realization, instead of see and realize that I walk process for myself, for me, as me, to eventually became the life.

Thanks, Juraj

Day 54 : Fear of disappointment – Fear of betrayal

                As a young boy my father was my god and I was looking upon my god, as a pattern as a representative of male which I would like to follow, which I would like to be like him, as many times I liked him. I thought that how he behave is right, and that me as a male should behave the same way.

                I placed my trust to his words, I placed my trust to his behavior, I placed my trust to him, into him, I trusted him the way as child can trust to parents that parents love their child, want to help to child and want the best for a child, protect, and help.

                Once day, when my eyes turned wrong and I needed eyeglasses, I was with my mother to search for some eyeglasses, as I really needed them as I was not able to function without this device, and when we came home, we said to father that we found some and how much it costs.

                At my surprise, my father said, that he will not pay such money for eyeglasses, and by paradox it was maybe most cheapest one they had.

                I felt betrayed, I felt very disappointed, I was shocked by this answer, the trust he had this trust evaporated within me and just shock, sorrow, and fear remained within me at the moment.

                I could not understand how come he said something like this, just sorrow within me resonate and the trust as a trust died within me.

                I see, that because of various moments I experienced as a child, the trust I was able to place to others slowly but surely simply died. No trust remained within me in others, no trust in myself and for myself. Thus I became absolutely not trustworthy persona, as I became to fear of being disappointment – Fear of being betrayed by others.

                Thus I betrayed myself and thus I betrayed others. I do not trust others anymore, and thus I start to hide, as I started to live the fear of being betrayed. Thus I never wanted to trust anyone, I even was not able to trust myself. How could I, if I was not able recognize the trust in me, trust in myself, and trust others.

                As a trust in me died, and trusts in others, the trust in myself has been reborn.

                Here.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that I can be betrayed or disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear of being betrayed and fear of being disappointed.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to feel sorrow, pain and regret as a energy experience and think and believe that this energy experience is real experience of myself, instead of realizing that this experience is of the mind and I am not the mind.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to betray myself and to disappoint myself.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that because I betrayed myself thus I am unworthy to live and unworthy to live myself and my life, and that I have to remain live in pain, regret and sorrow till the end of days.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to live myself as a fear of being betrayed and thus diminish my living just for waiting on my death as a point be being saved from my own accepted and allowed living in fear, pain and sorrow.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to think and believe that betrayal and disappointment exist, as a point of me separated from myself and thus through separation allowed and accepted lies and betrayal.

I forgive to myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to fear to speak as a fear of being betrayed and disappointed and thus rather remain silent.

I commit myself to trust myself.

Thanks, Juraj

Procrastination – Bound me to the past

               Once I postponed very specific task, I had all day to complete it but I postponed and postponed, I knew what I am doing, I was aware that I will have to complete it anyway, the deadline was next day.

                I went out at the evening, and I still had this unfinished task in my mind, it popped up and still coming back to my mind, like words “ I have to finish that, I have to make sure I will complete it, I can’t go sleep – I need to finish it, I can’t stay here, I need to complete it, I need to complete it and make sure it is done” and at the places I was, and people I spoke with, still this words coming into my head, and even the words I spoke was about this unfinished task and that I have to complete it and that I can’t stay here and enjoy my presence.

                At the night, when I completed it and it was done, I saw what I allowed and accepted to myself, and how I allowed remaining in the past and not be here.

                As the procrastination is allowed, one is actually saying “ I would rather remain in the past as the past is what I am bound to and that is all what I know, I am giving my power away and I am giving this power to my mind as instance which is my dictator and which knows better where I should be, and it is in the past. “

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself postpone and procrastinate tasks, things which I know needs to be done and completed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be bounded to the past through procrastination and postponement of tasks and issues which I can solve immediately and have it done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to like postpone and procrastinate things and through this like remaining in the past and not be here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to test how far I can procrastinate and postpone things which need to be done.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself define myself through and as my ability to postpone things and complete it at critical moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself enjoy postpone and procrastinate that which needs to be done and my very self definition and statement of ego that I will not do it now or immediately and that I can postpone it as this is my choice and thus remain in the past as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to give my power away to my mind through postponement and procrastination as to instance which I allowed to be my dictator and thus remain in the past.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to make form my mind more than me through postponement and procrastination and thus diminish my self value, my direction and who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to myself to be directed by the mind through postponement and procrastination and thus empower mind and take over me and remain in the past.

Thanks, Juraj

Death of me

                Many times I heard/red, things related to death, about the death, or what is or what should be after the death.

                All what I can say, I do not care what is after the death of my physical body, and I do not believe any scheme or perspective as I see that all perspectives are of the mind and thus cannot be valid or true as with the end of physical body living - mind dies and body return to earth.

                For me, the death of me is each time I am not aware that I am. When I go to sleep, suddenly I am not aware that I exist, yes my body still in the bad, but I am not aware of me not even of my breath, thus I died.

                At morning I woke up and thus I am aware that I am that I exist thus I am reborn. And I breathe and I am here. Question is, Am I really aware of me, or just memories of me has been activated and thus I fit into it and continue in time line to repeat this memories?

                The moments of energy connections/ believes/perceptions and ideas which I let go, I experienced in certain manner as death of me, death of my self-definitions. As the parts of me I let die I still remained here and by paradox I am aware much more than I used before.

                Therefore, if I will let go all limitations of me I created and, all self-definitions and all stuff which I would call me, separation and each reaction of judgment, it would mean I die as the mind but I will be aware of me without any limitations, definitions, believes, it means that I will be still here, here.

                Thus question is, what can really die? And what will remain?

Thanks, Juraj

Picture likes

I used to create the specific emotions in front of specific pictures, simply just shapes and colors in front of me, and because of that, so I created energy within me and different kind of experience, going through sadness, joy, love, excitement, etc.

I saw the picture, and I defined myself towards this picture and create the desire that I want it in front of me more or not likeness that I do not want to see it.

This is so “ stupid “, how come that my experience of me is determined by some pictures ? By these definitions, this can be broken down and nonexistent.

Just breathe and experience in front of picture/because of picture disappear and remain nothing. Was this experience of me real? Obviously, not.

Just only another delusion, created because of separation, inequality and polarity of the mind.

Everything, are just only shapes, colors, geometric links, basically, everything is the same, just only looks different because of mind definitions.

Thanks, Juraj